by Doug Ward
toenails?
Ward's Laws #265 Shouldn't hamburgers be required to have even a trace amount of ham in them?
Ward's Laws #266 If a salesperson approaches me and asks if I need some help I always like to reply, "I'm painting my house tomorrow, so sure, could use a hand."
Ward's Laws #267 How lazy was the guy who invented the escalator. They save you what? 30 steps?
Ward's Laws #268 Silent letters tick me off! Think about it. Does crumb Really need a "b" at the end?
Ward's Laws #269 Who is Will and why do they always fire at him?
Ward's Laws #270 I find the idea that my car has dummy lights kind of insulting!
Ward's Laws #271 Why do women in cartoons have waists smaller than their heads?
Ward's Laws #272 Would you call Spock a volcanologist?
Ward's Laws #273 Our city's zoo stinks. I looked all over the place but I still couldn't find the balloon animals!
Ward's Laws #274 Shouldn't lumberjacks yell get the Heck outta the way instead of timber? What are they cutting down, a Home Depot?
Ward's Laws #275 Why do Americans bother learning other languages? All the other countries speak English anyways.
Ward's Laws #276 I am a middle-aged man who taught ceramics. Does that make me a hairy potter?
Ward's Laws #277 Do we call tree foliage leaves because they don't hang around?
Ward's Laws #278 Isn't 33 A.D. a little inaccurate? I mean A.D. does stand for after death.
Ward's Laws #279 Is astrology the science of the bum? I mean it takes one to think they can tell someone's future using the position of the stars.
Ward's Laws #280 We talk about our children's low test scores and at the same time we pull out their wisdom teeth. I think I see a correlation here!
Ward's Laws #281 I was feeling kind of sad so I bought a Snickers bar. It didn't make me laugh. It just made me fatter and sadder.
Ward's Laws #282 (Donated by my niece Sarah.) Convenience Stores are gas stations that don't sell gas. Not so convenient when you're almost empty.
Ward's Laws #283 My screwdrivers head looks nothing like Phillip.
Ward's Laws #284 Why are umbrellas round? We aren't. At least we are not supposed to be.
Ward's Laws #285 My Dr. said I was pigeon toed. Maybe that's why I strut like Mick Jagger.
Ward's Laws #286 Stop over using words! Not everything is Amazing.
Ward's Laws #287 We have statues to everyone but the guy who invented coffee. Who did more for you? Babe Ruth or the guy who invented the bean! Sorry Bambino!
Ward's Laws #288 Why is it my dog always has to go potty when it is storming?
Ward's Laws #289 I will never fly in a jumbo jet. I refuse to trust in a plane made from deli meat.
Ward's Laws #290 Why would anyone wear a sweater? Sounds pretty disgusting to me.
Ward's Laws #291 Why does everyone face the door of the elevator? Next time you get in one face the back. It freaks people out.
Ward's Laws #292 I think I’ve been ripped-off. I bought a sketchbook and when I opened it there wasn’t a sketch to be found? What do they expect? I guess they think I'll do all their work for them?
Ward's Laws #293 Why doesn't someone make car tires outta something tougher than rubber. Like iron maybe. Ok, your gas mileage would suck, but your tires would outlast the car!
Ward's Laws #294 Current laws prohibit killing the undead unless you’re sure they have become reanimated. Give me a break! Are we supposed to tap a suspected zombie on its squishy shoulder prior to performing a double-tap? How are we supposed to be safe in such a society?
Ward's Laws #295 MC Escher was really onto something. If we could modify his designs, we could eliminate car engines altogether. Everything would be downhill.
Ward's Laws #296 Birthday cakes should only come in the classic round or rectangular shapes. Making a cake in the shape of Barbie or Sponge Bob only encourages cannibalism.
Ward's Laws #297 Why do we always give diseases such forbidding names. Wouldn't it soften the blow if heard you have something called jiggleitis or boinkies syndrome?
Ward's Laws #298 Can Disney stop please subtly putting inappropriate images in their movies? I understand they may be doing it to help bored parents who have to watch these films but it is very twisted to say the least! And stop killing off the parents!
Ward's Laws #299 I was told stinkbugs were released to control the Japanese beetle infestation. If this is true what will they do next? Release scorpions to rid us of stink bugs? At what point will they be releasing saber tooth tigers to rid us of rabid wolverines?
Ward's Laws #300 People who catch stinkbugs in toilet paper and flush them in the toilet learned nothing in History class. Need I remind you that if they encounter radioactive goo in said sewer they will mutate and they may not become a bunch of do-gooder ninjas like the turtles became. They most certainly will become giant monsters bent on destroying their human oppressors!
Ward's Laws #301 Spam. Pork bits (from what part of the pig we can only guess) packed in bone marrow jelly. Should, we be disturbed by the guy who thought of it? or just the people who eat it?
Ward's Laws #302 I bought a convertible cause I thought it would be some kind of Transformer. All I found was that the top comes down. Didn't really convert much, did it?
Ward's Laws #303 Why is it that if you give a kid a go-cart they will ride around your yard in circles all day. But give that kid a riding lawn mower and that same kid will only do what is necessary and complain all the way! What gives?
Ward's Laws #304 I don't know why we use the term Deer Hunting. I participated in this sport and sat at the base of a tree hoping a deer would wander by. I did a lot more Deer Waiting than hunting. Heck, I've hunted in the grocery store for a good steak more than I did in my actual hunting experience.
Ward's Laws #305 I don't understand why boys are still wearing their pants halfway down their legs showing their underwear. Don't they understand that during a zombie apocalypse, they will die first. Sadly, while trying to run with their pants down around their ankles.
Ward's Laws #306 Why do people in zombie movies take so long to figure out that they have to shoot them in the head to end their reanimated life? Isn't this common knowledge? What are they teaching kids in schools now a days?
Ward's Laws #307 I have never witnessed anyone actually leaping while wearing a jumpsuit.
Ward's Laws #308 I don't like being called a stranger. I'm no stranger than most, I think?
Ward's Laws #309 Popcorn should be banned in public. I know many of you will say "I like that!" Well, record yourself eating it and you'll see what I mean. It is disgusting and annoying. Why not just bring back smoking in public. I was less offensive.
Ward's Laws #310 One of the many signs of old age is when you love butterscotch candy. How many times have you seen a young kid eating a butterscotch candy when they had other options?
Ward's Laws #311 My solution to slow down the effects of climate change is to eliminate the growth and use of cabbage. Maybe beans too... And you thought my ramblings were just silly. This has been one of the rare Ward's Laws solutions.
Ward's Laws #312 I always feel funny ordering a large Napoleon. Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Ward's Laws #313 Trying on glasses frames is one of the more disgusting things in life. How many pimple covered faces have tried on those same lugs... What kind of bacteria, lurks on those frames and still we try them on. Gross!!!
Ward's Laws #314 You'd think a tank top would have a big gun sticking out of the chest area.
Ward's Laws #315 Why does the Green Lantern wear a mask but none of the other Lanterns do?
Ward's Laws #316 Why didn't Bugs Bunny ever take that left turn at Albuquerque?
Ward's Laws #317 My wife said her dish at dinner was to die for. I can't think of any food I would die for. I have had food that almost killed me (mostly Mexican.) I do like my heat!
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Ward's Laws #318 I don't like change. It usually entails me having to do something I already knew how to do in some bazaar new way. The only change I tolerate is my underwear.
Ward's Laws #319 If a potato chip lover names their kid Chip, should we take the child away from said parent? Just saying, the potential of cannibalism has just climbed a few rungs!
Ward's Laws #320 How many Egyptians does it take to build a food pyramid?
Ward's Laws #321 Why do potato chips look more like potato slices?
Ward's Laws #322 I feel bad for the people of England. They keep getting paid in pounds but I weighed one and it was only 9.5 grams.
Ward's Laws #323 I was reading the back of a bottle of water and it said it was recyclable. Does this mean the bottle is recyclable or the water?
Ward's Laws #324 I watched a kid order chicken fingers and thought about all those people trying to say evolution isn't real...
Ward's Laws #325 I am tempted to become a Christian. When they pass that plate of free money around I could help myself to a couple-o-twenties. It has to be the only religion that pays you to go.
Ward's Laws #326 I just ate beef vindaloo curry at an Indian restaurant.
