by Doug Ward
English language is really screwed up!
Ward’s Laws #433 Will somebody invent the non-reversing mirror already. I keep thinking the booger is in my left nostril when it’s really in my right. Luckily, I have Dyslexia.
Ward's Laws #434 3D movies really freak me out. I don't like them. Every once in a while they look cool but when people start moving they get blurry and screw up my vision. I would rather see a movie the regular way.
Ward's Laws #435 If you are at the magnetic north pole, do you then see southern lights?
Ward's Laws #436 I went to a bar the other day and they couldn't recommend a single lawyer. They did give me some tips on a couple of beer brands but no lawyers.
Ward's Laws #437 Why is it that every time I see the Emergency Alert System flash on the TV I look for the words "Zombie Apocalypse"?
Ward's Laws #438 I wish the Emergency Alert System would get an update. It still looks the same as it did when I was a kid. It's the same old DOS looking text and weird noise. Maybe they could at least add a graphic or two and change that annoying sound with something by Lady Gaga? That'd alert me to something being wrong.
Ward's Laws #439 Mimes are not funny. They're a silent killer!!!
Ward's Laws #440 I love Halloween. It's the one time of year you can put impaled heads in your yard without a visit from those pesky police...
Ward's Laws #441 Why is it when I call to purchase a service the business picks up right away but if I call with a problem they put me on hold for a few hours.
Ward's Laws #442 I saw a book today named "The Complete Book of Dogs." So I am assuming, by the title, that there is no need for any other books on the subject. This being the last possible word since it is the complete book. I guess all the older books lacked completeness thus rendering a need for this book.
Ward's Laws #443 I think Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees are the same person. Both are totally not killable, wear masks, and are molasses like killing machines. Why don't their intended victims just walk somewhat quickly and just stay ahead of these tortuous like killers... I just don't get it. I'm supposed to be afraid of a slug with a knife?
Ward's Laws #444 Who was the scholar who invented the spelling of tortuous? Seems like there's an extra letter crammed in there somewhere...
Ward's Laws #445 When I was 12, my dad got me the bike with the sissy bar on the back? Was he trying to tell me something?
Ward's Laws #446 If a guy dresses up as a woman on Halloween once it is kind of funny. If he does it three or more times I’d say he is a cross-dresser.
Ward's Laws #447 I remember wanting to be Darth Vader for Halloween. I spent days fabricating the perfect outfit. Painstakingly reproducing each and every part only to have my mom make me wear a coat!
Ward's Laws #448 Why do women insist upon dressing kids up in ridiculous outfits and laughing at them hysterically. Then they pull out the trump card. They call the kid cute. Face it. Women are cruel!
Ward's Laws #449 A dog will look unbelievably cute till you take a picture. That's when they decide to yawn, lick it's own butt, or just look silly.
Ward's Laws #450 The word cute in women talk means not good. So if a women tells you your new hair cut looks um... cute? It really looks like crap. By the way, your outfit looks really cute on you. (Glad I have enough taste not to put it on me!!!)
Ward's Laws #451 If you watch chamber singers in an outdoor amphitheater can you really refer to them as chamber singers?
Ward's Laws #452 If Orwell could see Fox News, and the spell it casts over so many people, he would believe he was only a few decades off.
Ward's Laws #453 I understand why some people don't eat veal. It's baby cattle. But how many of those same people eat a ton of tater tots and don't even think about it for a second. Isn't it the same thing?
Ward's Laws #454 If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Ward's Laws #455 My wife thinks I keep it too cold in the house. That isn't the truth. I just like to see her house plants go through the change of seasons.
Ward's Laws #456 I love to watch hairy men swimming. Their pelts get all slicked back. They look like plump otters.
Ward's Laws #457 Your children should never be younger than your underware, specially if your kids are still in high school. Go to the store for crying out loud!!! The word tacky comes to mind for more than one reason...
Ward's Laws #458 Why are letters to the editor never directed at him?
Ward's Laws #459 I wanted a cheap suit and the salesman advised me to buy a sport jacket. What's he thinking? I'm going to a wedding, not a triathlon.
Ward's Laws #460 I wish car dealers would step into the 21st century. Since when, is a rear window defogger an accessory?
Ward's Laws #461 I had a dream last night. It was so real... I was in this boiler room and there was this wrinkly old person... It was so real! This person looked at me with it's distorted face and swiped a clawed hand at me and... When I woke up I had frosting on my cheek. I am so disturbed. I’ve heard of being haunted by Freddy Krueger but my dreams have Betty Crocker.... CRAP!!!!
Ward's Laws #462 I think we should cryogenically freeze William Shatner and only thaw him out when we have to battle Klingons in the future. We’ll need him!
Ward's Laws #463 I think medical doctors like to intimidate us regular stiffs. They use hypodermic needles that are three times the size needed. It's probably a payback for all the wedges they got in high school.
Ward's Laws #464 I hate when medical doctors write little secret notes in your records. If you want to freak them out for a change, pull out your own chart and make notes about them.
Ward's Laws #465 Fraud Alert! Lava lights contain no lava. There goes my dream of creating a mini volcano in Pennsylvania and forcing the commonwealth to pay-up or be destroyed. *Note to self. Unplug the device prior to opening it* It was really quite shocking.
Ward's Laws #466 Did you ever notice that times tables have no relevance to time? Except the multiple hours I spent learning them.
Ward's Laws #467 Third World countries need to either stop shooting guns in the air during celebrations or teach the Law of Gravity to the general public.
Ward's Laws #468 If Modern Art was made in the 60's can it still be termed Modern Art?
Ward's Laws #469 I think having a box full of mothballs is extremely cruel!
Ward's Laws #470 I love the fall in Pennsylvania. It's a time when men leave their wives to sit in a tree and play with deer urine.
Ward's Laws #471 I have discovered undeniable proof of The Theory of Evolution. Fred Flintstone only had three toes. Now we have five.
Ward's Laws #472 If a child is bad parents teach the tot the behavior is wrong by administering a time-out. I wish the police used the same punishment. Stupid parking ticket!!!
Ward's Laws #473 If you have a lot of wrinkles, just tell people, "I'm not old, I just took a long bath." Now if I can only figure out something for all the gray hair...
Ward's Laws #474 Bob is a great name for a boy with dyslexia.
Ward's Laws #475 I love how car manufacturers add plastic wood grain to a car and call it an upgrade. It's plastic you dolts. The part was probably plastic before. You just replaced it with plastic that looks like something other than plastic! Why would you want wood in a car anyway? Who are you? Fred Flintstone?
Ward's Laws #476 I really want to know who the first person to give a wedge was? Although the people watching probably laughed, I wonder if they were thinking, "Hey, that guy just put his hands down another guys pants and grabbed his underware..." Kind of gross when you think about it.
Ward's Laws #477 When I was young, a concert cost about as much as an 8 Track tape. Now you can buy the entire discography or see them play for an hour or so?
Ward's Laws #478 Woodshop shouldn't be taught in Jr. High? I just don't think that's a good idea. I remember what I was like at that age and seriously, a bunch of k
ids who won't be able to play a piano anymore...
Ward's Laws #479 I think I went to a bad college. I took an anatomy class and at no time did they mention the funny bone. I've hit mine enough times to know it's real!!! That's the last time I apply to a college that advertises in a comic book.
Ward's Laws #480 Where do they design new car models? A desert? I was looking at a five-passenger car that had ten, cup holders. The sad thing is this is true. Either this designer needed hydrated or someone should call AA.
Ward's Laws #481 I'm thinking of changing my career. I am debating between shark dentist or proctologist. Both have their obvious dangers.
Ward's Laws #482 Would anyone go to see those Twilight movies if that werewolf kid kept his shirt on? I mean, I can't sit through them in any event. Seriously.
Ward's Laws #483 Why is it, the actors playing teens on TV look like they are in their 30's. I mean Hollywood, do you really think we're buying this.
Ward's Laws #484 Mistletoe sounds downright dangerous to me. Like some kind of gadget James Bond would have on him!
Ward's Laws #485 The Pilgrims didn't truly have Thanksgiving. Sure, they ate but did
