I need to give him a reason to keep me.
“Master?” I ask.
Isaac pauses midtype, looking down at me. My heart skips a beat as those green eyes prick my skin. But not because of the intensity that used to be there. He doesn’t look at me the same anymore. His eyes are filled with sadness. “Yes?”
Disappointment flows through me that he doesn’t use my pet name. Another sign that something is wrong. But maybe I’m paranoid and am reading too much into it. Something tells me I’m not though. “What can I do to please you?” I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat, hating the tightness that constricts my chest.
Isaac stares at me, and I bite the inside of my cheek, increasingly feeling as if there’s something wrong. It’s there. “You’re already doing it,” he replies, gently petting my hair. Normally, I would feel assured, but his words only make me more uneasy. They have no strength to them, no passion. Even his petting of me is weak.
I lick my lips, not wanting to outright accuse him of lying, but I know I can’t let this go. “But I don’t feel as if I am pleasing you right now. I feel like… I need to do more to satisfy you.”
Isaac frowns, his hand falling from my head to hang lifelessly over the side of his chair. “You don’t need to do more.”
His words are saying one thing, but I’m feeling something entirely else from him. It almost feels like a spear of ice is slowly being pressed into my heart. “I can’t take that you give me so much pleasure, yet I give you nothing in return.” I know you’re in pain. I can see it every day.
Isaac flashes a me a look that makes me tense. His eyes narrowed as if daring me to continue with my train of thought. But at least there’s passion there. “How can you think that you give me nothing? You give me so much, Katia.”
“I want to make you happy,” I say thickly. I look him directly in the eye as I say, “And you aren’t,” challenging him to say otherwise. Challenging him to lie to me.
Isaac takes a long time responding, his emerald eyes studying my distressed face. “You’re worried for me?” he asks finally.
I nod my head. “Yes.” I’m more than worried. I think you want to get rid of me as soon as this contract is over. You don’t want to deal with what’s hurting you. Just thinking the words brings tears to my eyes. I’m hoping desperately that I’m wrong and I’m just imagining things. But I know I’m not.
“Then that’s my fault.” My breath catches at my throat at the pain reflected in his eyes. “I’m sorry I failed you in that respect, Katia.”
Oh God no. My heart pounds in my chest and my breath comes in pants as I cry, “No, Master. You haven’t failed me at all.” I’m trying to stay calm. We can talk our way through this. I can help him. Please just give me something.
“I have.” His words are emotionless, as if he doesn’t see me breaking down right in front of him. God, he’s fucking killing me! “Your worries are mine, not the other way around.”
I tremble at his feet and try not to break down, hoping this is all just a bad dream. It isn’t real.
“Go to your room,” he orders coldly, not appearing to notice my distress.
I look at him, seeing the pain in his eyes, and feel defiance. He can’t fucking blow me off like this. He doesn’t have to do this. “No,” I say rebelliously. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He reaches down, gripping my chin. “Go,” he growls right in front of my face, his hot breath sending chills down my neck and shoulders. “Now.” His voice holds a threat. But I don’t care.
I try to shake my head, but can’t. He’s holding my head in place. “No,” I say breathlessly, my heart beating frantically. “I don’t want to leave you. I feel like you don’t want me anymore.” It hurts saying the words and admitting the truth.
At first, pain flashes in his beautiful eyes, but then anger twists Isaac’s handsome face. He releases my chin and rises to his feet, pulling me up along with him. “Is that what you want?” he growls, grabbing me by the hips and pulling me into his hard body. He takes both my arms and pins them behind my back, his powerful grip sending sparks of want through my body. I just want this passion. Always.
“Yes,” I whisper. “Take me. Use me. Do whatever you want with me.” I just want to help you.
Isaac stares at me for a long moment, his chest heaving, and then without a word, he pulls me from the room, dragging me down the long hallway. I don’t resist as he takes me all the way to my room, opens the door, and slings me into the room.
“Please stay!” I cry imploringly, scrambling to my feet and rushing for the door. “Talk to me, Isaac! What did I do wrong?” Let me fix you.
“Nothing, Katia. There’s nothing you did wrong.” His voice is hard, but at least he’s talking to me.
“Just tell me, tell me what happened! I want to fix it. I want you back!”
He stares at me for a moment, his expression vulnerable, wanting and raw. He needs me. His grip tightens on the door and I swear it’s so hard it’s going to crack. Isaac, please, just tell me.
“Stay,” he commands.
Before I can get there, he slams it shut with powerful force.
I stand there staring at the door, a range of powerful emotions running through me. Pain, sadness. Rage. I feel so helpless, so incredibly lost. I don’t know what’s going to happen from here, but something tells me this could be the end.
I bring my hands to my collar, wanting to take it off and throw it against the wall in rage. If he’s going to just break up with me at the end of our contract, why draw it out? It only has a few days left. I should just get it over with now. I place my finger over the latch, my heart racing as tears stream down my face. But I can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t know what he’s feeling or going through right now, but I know one thing for sure.
I want to be his.
Chapter 29
Isaac
She thinks I’m in pain.
I’m the one needing help?
She’s wrong.
I pace my office, hearing her words over and over. A rage building inside of me. I’m not broken. I’m not in pain. I have a scarred past, I know that. But I’m fucking fine.
I breathe in, ragged and trying to calm myself. She shouldn’t be trying to fix me. Or heal me.
That’s not her place.
And it’s not mine to require that from her.
I knew I should have sent her away.
Selfish! It was selfish of me, and now I’m paying the price.
She’s paying the price.
I run my hand down my face, clenching my jaw and trying to calm down, but as the anger wanes, a sadness replaces it. My body trembles as I sink into the leather chair at my desk, my breathing erratic.
I don’t deserve her. Not at all.
She shouldn’t have to bear my pain. It’s not her burden. I can’t ask her to live with a man like me.
I lean forward, rubbing my forehead with my hand and closing my eyes tightly, wanting to deny it, but I can’t. I’m not worthy of her.
She needs to get out. Now.
I’ve already been thinking of reasons to keep her.
There are two days left, but I can’t continue. My Katia is full of happiness; a purity has survived in her that I will taint. I can’t do that to her.
I won’t.
I rise from my desk, feeling a surge of conviction and hating it. I fucking hate who I am. I hate that I’m only capable of breaking and scarring and causing pain.
Feeling the rage coming back, I swipe at the clutter on my desk as I scream in fury, spewing it over the floor, the papers fluttering in the air as if taunting me.
She needs to leave. She needs to go now.
I can’t have her here. I’ll hurt her. I know I will.
“Katia!” I scream her name so loudly it makes my throat feel raw. “Katia!” I yell even louder, anger apparent in my tone. I’ve never called her for like this. I stare at the open door, and when she doesn’t instantly appear, I st
omp over the papers and folders now scattered on the floor and grip the door as I swing it open harder, slamming it against the wall and storming toward her room.
It’s not like her not to come when I call. It’s my anger, I nod my head at the thought as I approach her doorway.
For a moment, I think maybe she’s already gone.
Maybe I scared her away. She knew she needed to leave a monster like me.
My heart stops and I nearly topple forward, bracing myself against the wall.
No.
I take in a breath, torn between the pain that just the thought caused me, and the necessity to save her.
I feel torn into two, and I don’t know which side will win. I want to keep her forever. I don’t want to deny these feelings I have for her any longer. But I want to save her beautiful light from my darkness.
I need to let her go.
I take the last few steps with my eyes closed and slowly open them as I walk into her room, half expecting to find it empty, but she’s there.
Kneeling on the floor.
She’s naked, in only my chains and even with a sadness surrounding her, a hint of anger even, she’s perfect in her submission.
“Get dressed, Katia,” I manage to say easily. I need her to leave. Now. Before I lose my resolve.
As she stands I catch a flash of anger in her eyes. A look that verges on disrespectful and it begs me to take her. I want to push her onto the bed and punish her.
But I can’t. In this moment, I have the strength to send her away. And I need to do it now before I lose it. I watch her as she opens the dresser drawer, the sound of it opening is the only noise in the room. I’m on edge and holding on by a thread as she dresses with her eyes shining with tears. But she doesn’t question me. She pulls on her jeans and I grip onto the door, closing my eyes. Hating that I’m doing this. Hating myself and that I’m not good enough to keep her.
“Master?” she asks me.
It breaks my fucking heart to hear her call me that. For the last time.
“Yes?” I answer as she opens a drawer and slips on the clothes she brought here. Simple jeans and a tank top.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks and the anger slips, replaced with something worse. Sadness. She pulls a sweater over her tank top, not looking me in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Master.
It hurts to see her like this. But it’s for her own good.
I ignore her question. I ignore her apology.
“You can go now. I’ll have your things sent to your place tomorrow.”
Katia takes a step back, looking as though I’m going to hurt her.
“You can go.”
“I don’t want to go,” she says, shaking her head with wide eyes.
“You must.”
“Don’t do this.” Her voice is weak. She’s begging me, and I so badly want to submit to her wishes.
“I am not what you need,” I finally admit to her.
“You are-”
“I’m a murderer!” I scream at her, cutting her off. She cowers from the harsh tone. I finally said it; I told her.
“I’ve killed men before, Katia. I’m not a good man.”
She looks up at me with a coldness in her eyes that I’ve never seen. “So have I.”
“You need more than what I can give you.”
“I want you! I can decide for myself.” She’s on edge and angry, but mostly upset. I don’t think either one of us is thinking clearly, but this needs to happen now, before this goes too far.
“I’m your Master! You will listen to me!”
“You need to go home, Katia.” I tell her with a straight face, refusing to acknowledge the gouging pain in my chest. I give her the keys to my car. She can have it. Fuck, she could have it all if she wants. But she needs to go now before I snap and keep her forever.
“No!” she yells at me, and I can’t take it. I grab her waist and pull her body close to me, lifting her off the floor and storming to the stairwell.
“Stop it!” she screams at me. “Isaac, no!” Her body shudders with a sob, and I hate myself. More now than I ever have for hurting her. But I have to. I have to save her. I can’t let her stay with me and ruin her beauty. Her strength. I need her to leave me.
“You have to go.” I try to tell her flatly, but my voice breaks.
“I need you to know how much you own me,” she screams at me, her voice so loud it hurts my ears, but I don’t care. I drag her toward the front door. She hits me, pulling her fist back and slamming it against my chest. I feel a tug and hear a snap of something, but I’m not sure what. My eyes fly to her bracelet, but it’s still intact.
“You can’t throw me out,” she says, pushing me away with no success as we reach the foyer.
“I won’t let you.” Her voice lacks conviction and strength. Tears stream down her face and onto my shoulder, breaking my heart at her pain.
Better now. Better this way. I finally put her down and she stumbles as her feet struggle to find purchase. I swing the front door open.
“Leave,” I tell her, trying to rid all the emotion from my voice.
“I love you, Isaac.” Her voice cracks with emotion.
Hearing those words from her lips almost makes me fall to my knees.
To beg for her forgiveness.
To beg her not to leave me.
I stand there silent, not moving, not responding.
“Please,” she says and her voice shakes, “Please don’t, Master.”
“Go, Katia.” The words are forced from my lips. I’ll only be her Master. That’s all I can promise her. And she needs more. This is the only way I can give her more.
Her beautiful lips part and a huff of disbelief leaves her. The pain still there, but a hint of anger is slipping in. Hold onto that anger, my kitten, it will make this easier.
It takes her a moment to gather herself. Grabbing the keys and walking out the door, but before she leaves for good, she turns to me.
“I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t want me.” Her words are soft and full of pain. Her wide eyes are pleading with me, begging me to tell her everything I selfishly want to say. “Do you not want me?” she says with her composure breaking, tears slipping down her face.
I want so badly to take her in my arms and crash my lips to hers, to brush her tears away and keep her.
But I can’t do that to her.
Not if I truly love her. And I do. I know so strongly in this moment I do.
“No,” I finally say the word. It’s hard to push it out, but once it leaves my lips, it’s done. She turns abruptly, taking in a breath and walking straight to the car. She doesn’t turn around, not once. Even when she’s in the driver’s seat, she refuses to look at me.
My knees threaten to give out as every inch of my skin burns with the need to go to her, to stop her.
I watch her walk away from me.
I watch her leave me.
And I stand there in the doorway, waiting to realize that I’ve done what’s best for her. And this pain is justified.
But it hurts too much.
As I start to shut the door, I see what broke earlier, when I brought her down here while she was fighting me. The chain. My chain. I close the door and bend down to pick it off the floor. The thin silver with diamond cuts shimmers as I pick it up and clench it in my fist.
I broke it.
The vision of my mother’s necklace, as she lay on the cold hard floor of the kitchen, flashes in my eyes as my thumb rubs along the chain.
Why is she so still? My heart beats faster and faster but my body only gets colder as I slowly come out from the hallway and walk toward her. He left, the monster left after I watched him do this to her.
I didn’t know. How could I know that this time he’d kill her?
“Mom?” I call out to her in a whisper, still scared that she’ll beat me for interfering like she always did.
But her eyes are open. They’re red, but not like they usually are. Not from the drugs
. It’s blood. Her blood vessels broke and her eyes are so red.
“Mom?” I say louder as I walk closer to her.
Her chest isn’t moving. She’s so still. So quiet. I stare at her chest, waiting for it to rise with a breath as I kneel down next to her. My eyes are so blurry, why am I crying?
She’s not dead. She can’t be.
I shake her shoulders. “Mom!” I yell at her, and my heart beats faster with fear. Both that she’ll hurt me for yelling, and that she’s really dead.
I shake her, but the only sound is the chain around her neck. The necklace I bought her with the only money I had. She’s wearing it today. She wears it on days when she wants me to know that she loves me I think. She wore it today.
I sob as I shake her shoulders harder, screaming her name.
The necklace clinks and clinks as I pull her up, and I break it. It’s an accident. I just wanted her to breathe.
I didn’t mean it.
I didn’t mean any of it.
I wish I could take it back.
It’s my fault.
I hold the broken chain to my chest, leaning against the door.
Struggling to breathe and cope with the fact that she’s left me. I wanted her to though.
She can’t be with a monster like me. I only wish I was able to hold her longer.
I wish I was good enough for her.
Chapter 30
Katia
My shoulders shake as I sob uncontrollably as I sit at my desk chair in front of my open laptop. The pain is searing and I haven’t been able to sleep at all. Not that I want to. All I’ve been able to think about is him and how he sent me away. And how much it fucking hurts.
I desperately need someone to talk to, someone who understands me. But Kiersten isn’t online. I almost want to call my mom. Just to hear her tell me it’s going to be alright. But I can’t. Not yet. I don’t want to admit what’s happened to anyone. I want it to just be a nightmare.
I glance at the screen again, waiting for Kiersten to come on. She’s always here at night. I know I’ve been busy with Isaac, but I’ve kept up with her messages. I’m there for her. I made sure to tell her that. I always will be. And I need her now. I feel so selfish. But I truly need her now.
Highest Bidder Collection Page 40
