by Amiee Louise
She winks and kisses me on the cheek. I know deep down she is right, but all I want to do is drown in my sadness and obliterate every negative thought. I need to be so numb I can’t feel anything at all.
An hour passes, and I know I have spoken to everyone present at the memorial. I have nodded, put on a smile, and said thank you in all the right places, channelling my inner showman to show everyone I’m OK. When the truth is, deep down I feel like I am dying inside. I’m sitting in the front row with Sophia, Max, Dexter, Grace, Eden, Jonah, Ruby, and Seb. I know that even though they haven’t said it, her family blame me for her death. They blame me for not keeping her safe, for not protecting her and allowing her to be taken. I can see it every time they look at me; the words that usually hurt the most are the unspoken ones.
Seb gets up and steps to the front. He is wearing a light-purple t-shirt, black jeans, a blazer, and black Converse trainers. The theme for today is not black, it’s purple, Peyton’s favourite colour.
“The day Peyton Leigh Harper walked into my shop, I knew she was special. She showed up to Saint Sinner every single day without fail, begging me to look at her portfolio. She was like a little firecracker, a force of nature with the cutest smile and the personality to match. For weeks, she would show up every day, until I relented and looked at her work; that was the day that changed my life. I taught her everything I knew, and she turned into one of the best female tattooists in the business. She became like a little sister to me, she was my best friend, and I looked forward to coming into work just to watch her breeze into the shop without a care in the world. She was kind, funny, and she lit up a room when she entered it.”
Seb pours himself a shot of Jack Daniels and downs it, holding the glass up in the air.
“The shop won’t be the same without you, honey, I love ya.”
He places the glass down and takes a seat back in his chair. He wipes a stray tear from his eye, and Ruby brushes his arm in reassurance. She gets up and steps to the front, her heels clicking across the floor as she walks. She flips her dark hair over her shoulder and starts to speak.
“Peyton was my best friend, the sister I never had, over twenty years of friendship and every day was an adventure. We first met when we were five years old and became inseparable, we brought each other through the good times and the bad times. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, babe.”
A tear slips down her cheek, and she pours herself a shot. She knocks it back and places the glass down.
“Give em’ hell up there. Love you, babe.”
She wipes her eyes and goes back to her seat. Sophia puts her arm around Ruby, and she quietly comforts her as she sobs softly. Max loosens his tie and stands up from his seat. He steps to the front and clears his throat.
“When Peyton was born, she was such a daddy’s girl. Every time I looked into her big blue eyes, she melted my heart. She turned into a beautiful young woman who was full of life and continued to make my wife and I proud until the end. Our lives will never be the same again, sweetheart.”
Max pours himself a shot and knocks it back, placing the glass down on the table.
“We love you, my darling.” His voice shakes, and he takes his seat next to me. He nudges me, and I look at him. “You’re up, Sam.”
He winks, and I nod—this is the part I have been dreading. What do I say to do her justice? I get to my feet and shakily take my place at the front. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, and my heart is thundering in my chest. Come on, Newbolt, man the fuck up. I take a breath and place my hand on the table for support.
“I’m no good at this, so I’ll keep it brief. It was in this very shop where I first laid eyes on Peyton. Her feistiness, her big blue eyes, and her sparkling personality was what attracted me to her. When we first met, she hated the fact that I was a rock star, she had read about my man whoring ways, but as soon as I saw her, I knew that part of my life was over. Her razor-sharp wit and her amazing ability to bring me to my knees with just one look, I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She didn’t take my crap, and it was refreshing. She was the first woman to ever say no to me.”
Everyone in the room laughs.
“She quickly became my addiction, my reason to get up on stage and perform. She was my good luck charm, my angel, and the love of my life. There’s not a day that goes by where she doesn’t consume my every thought.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I look up to the ceiling.
“Christ, I’m struggling, angel, I need you.”
The tears are flowing freely, and Ruby gets up from her seat. She comes to the front and takes my hand. I am comforted by her presence, and I take a deep breath. Suddenly, I am so overwhelmed and crippled by grief, and I just can’t do this anymore. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop; I just want it all to stop.
“Sorry … erm … shit…I really can’t do this.”
I snatch my hand away from Ruby, and I bolt. I head for the door, and I run, not looking back.
19
Sam
I am not sure how, but I end up back at my apartment and I am not aware of how much time has passed, I’m a fucking mess. I loosen my tie and make my way into the kitchen. I grab a large bottle of vodka and the grief that threatens to consume me takes hold and firmly grips my very being, until I can’t take it anymore. I rush to the bathroom and root around in the cabinet until I find a pill bottle filled with Seroxat. I take the bottle and make my way over to the floor to ceiling windows, looking out across the city, Peyton’s favourite view in the world. The apartment is bathed in soft moonlight as the lights across the city twinkle and flicker. I slide down the window and sit down, emptying the pills onto the floor in front of me. I am sobbing hard now, and I unscrew the lid of my vodka bottle, taking a long pull. I drink until the bottle is half-empty. The liquid burns as it slides down my throat and my head feels fuzzy. The thoughts that spin around in my head take over. I can’t go on anymore, I can’t go on living my life without her in it, and I can’t see my future anymore. My life is pointless and totally fucking meaningless. I hear the door pounding frantically and muffled voices shouting outside.
“Sam, open the fucking door!” Jax’s voice pleads, but I ignore it.
“I know you’re in there, you fucking dick! Open the door, or I’m going to break it the fuck down!” he roars, but I continue to ignore him. I scramble to my feet; my head feels like it is about to explode, and I just want it all to fucking stop. I can’t see a way out of this hell I find myself in. I stumble to the kitchen and grab a bread knife from the chopping block. I stagger back into the living room unable to focus on my surroundings, and I collapse onto the floor, hitting my head as I fall.
“Shit! Fuck!” I curse. The knife I am holding clatters to the floor and echoes around the room. I reach for the knife, and I crawl towards where I left the vodka and pills. My vision is blurry, but I still manage to cut my left wrist deep. The pain bites into my consciousness, but I am relieved to feel something for the first time in weeks.
I hear a loud crash, as the door splinters, and the next thing I know, Jax is beside me screaming, shouting and cursing in my ear for me to wake up, shaking me violently. Ruby is next to him sobbing softly.
“Sam, you fucking prick, what have you done, wake the fuck up! Oh man, please don’t die on me, please, please.”
He taps my face and he sobs.
“Oh fuck, baby, please ring an ambulance. Come on, Sam, stay with me, mate.”
The sound of his voice is desperate and pleading, but his voice is muffled. My vision is blurred, and that’s when my whole world is plunged into darkness.
Confessions
Tattoos and Tears – Book 3
By Amiee Louise
Published by Scarlet Lantern Publishing
1
Sam
I come around in an all-too-bright room, the dull beep of the machines rings in my ears and my head is pounding.
“Marley, darli
ng, he’s awake.” My mum’s soft, soothing voice breaks through my consciousness, and I look around the room with wide eyes. “Sam, sweetie.”
She takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. The tenderness makes my eyes glaze over, and I know I don’t deserve an ounce of sympathy.
“Mum?” I rasp.
“I’m here darling, I’m here.” She strokes my hair and a solitary tear slips down my cheek. “You gave us all a scare, sweetie, what the hell were you thinking?” She says sharply, and my dad shakes his head.
“Lori, not now, my love.”
I am silently grateful for my dad’s intervention. The door opens and, a nurse steps into the room. She is a short, plump, older lady with short blonde greying hair and warm kind hazel eyes.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Newbolt?” She says in a West Country accent and, I look at her.
“Please, call me Sam.”
She nods and smiles earnestly.
“How are you feeling, Sam?”
I shrug, and I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to vomit.
“Shit! I’m going to be sick.” The nurse holds a grey cardboard bowl out for me and, I vomit violently. “Christ, I’m sorry.”
She smiles.
“No bother, my lovely, it’s all perfectly normal,” She says brightly. She pours some water into a glass and hands it to me.
“Thank you, I appreciate your kindness, but I don’t deserve it.”
I take a long drink of water and drain the glass, relishing the cold liquid and soothing my dehydrated throat.
“We all handle grief in different ways, my love, but we’re going to keep you in for a few days, just for observation.”
I nod.
“You have some very loyal fans, Sam, they’re camping out outside. We’ve had to get in extra security to keep the press out too, bloody vultures.”
She rolls her eyes and proceeds to take my blood pressure. My mum kisses me on the forehead.
“We’re just going to get some coffees and let the boys know you’re awake, sweetie.”
I nod. My dad brushes my hand in reassurance, and they both leave the room.
“I’m Kate, by the way,” the nurse introduces herself, and I smile.
“Pleased to meet you, Kate.”
She smiles brightly.
“My daughters and my nieces are huge fans of your band, Sam.”
She finishes checking my blood pressure and writes it down on a clipboard.
“Thank you, I’m flattered, we can sign something for them if you would like?” I ask, and she nods.
“That would be lovely, thank you.”
I smile.
“The doctor will be in to see you in a little while, my lovely, I’ll be back to check on you.”
She winks and exits the room, leaving me to my thoughts. After Kate leaves, I doze off, I am not sure how long I am asleep, but when I wake the rest of the band are all sat around my bed. I can’t meet Jax’s gaze; he has such a haunted look in his eyes, and I feel responsible for it. The sense of guilt that washes over me is overpowering and the silence in the room palpable. Brody breaks the silence.
“What the fuck were you thinking, soppy bollocks?”
With those words, Jax scrapes the chair across the floor; he gets up and leaves the room.
“He’s just upset, dude,” Lucas says, and I scrub my hands down my face.
“I can’t say I blame him, to be honest, mate,” I say softly, and I know I have a lot of making up to do. Jax has seen me at my worst, and I will never be able to apologise enough for him finding me like that.
“The press are having a fucking field day. On the plus side, our album sales are up, and we’re back at number one in the rock chart. It’s fucking amazing what a suicide attempt can do for our careers,” Brody jokes, and we all laugh. I realise that this is the first time in days that I have actually laughed, and it feels pretty fucking good, I’m definitely making progress. The door opens, and Kate walks back into the room.
“It’s good to see that smile back on your face, Sam, it suits you, my love.”
She smiles warmly, and if I’m not mistaken, she actually swoons on the spot at the presence of the other boys.
“Kate, these are my friends and bandmates, Brody and Lucas. Brody, Lucas, this is Kate.”
I introduce them, and Brody stands up. He moves over to Kate and kisses the back of her hand.
“Pleased to meet you, Kate, I’ve always liked a woman in uniform.”
He winks cheekily, and I can’t resist bantering back.
“Oh, yeah, what was her name?”
Brody smirks.
“Funny fucker, see you haven’t lost your charming wit and sense of humour.”
I roll my eyes dramatically, and Kate observes the exchange between us, chuckling softly.
“And here’s me thinking it was my dazzling personality and my dashing good looks!”
Brody laughs, and his face turns serious.
“Seriously, though, dude, we’re glad to have you back, you scared the living shit out of us all.”
My face turns serious too.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly.
“You ever pull that shit on us again, and I’ll fucking bury you myself.”
Brody snarls and I nod. Lucas looks at me.
“Give Jax some time, dude, he’ll come ‘round.”
These boys are like my brothers, and I couldn’t bear the fact that my selfish actions could potentially cause a rift between us. They say time can be a healer, I can only hope that they’re right.
Two days pass in a blur of well-wishers and hospital staff. I am on suicide watch, monitored twenty-four hours a day, and I’m never left alone, not even to use the bathroom or the toilet. When I take a shower, the door is left ajar, and Kate keeps watch outside, asking if I am OK every couple of minutes. Kate has played a significant role in my stay at the hospital. She keeps track of my mood and writes down what and how much I eat. She has been like a mother hen, and I have been grateful for her company and mindless chatter.
I am wearing a hospital gown because any clothing I own that has strings, laces, or belts attached has been confiscated. I have been seeing a counsellor once a day, which has been helping a lot. On the second day, I wake to find Sophia sat next to my bed.
“Sophia?” I rasp, and she leans back in the chair.
“How could you, Sam? How fucking could you? What the fuck were you thinking trying to take your own life, you selfish bastard!”
She snaps, and I don’t think I have heard Sophia swear or curse once since I met her.
“You were the love of Peyton’s life, and you tried to take that away from us, you selfish, heartless wanker!”
She shouts.
“What the hell would Peyton say? I’m fucking disgusted at what you’ve done, how could you do that to your poor mum and dad? To us? To your fans? To those boys?” She spits angrily, and her anger shocks me, but it suddenly hits me with crystal clarity. I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame of what I have put those around me through by trying to take the cowards’ way out.
“I-I—” I stutter, and she looks at me with disgust.
“Don’t you bloody dare say you’re sorry, Sam Newbolt!”
She shouts again, and a tear rolls down my cheek, I am disgusted with myself.
“After all you and Peyton went through, you do this. You’re a coward Sam, a weak, pathetic, selfish coward. We have already lost our daughter, isn’t that enough? You fucking disgust me.”
She narrows her eyes at me.
“I’m a disgusting human being, and I can’t bear to think that I’ve caused you and Max any unnecessary pain. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I’m so ashamed,” I sob. “Oh, Christ, oh fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I sob harder, and the door opens.
“What the fuck is going on, Mum? I could hear you shouting down the corridor.” Dexter comes in and observes the situation unfolding in front of him between his mum and me. “Jesus Christ, please tell
me you haven’t, Mum? You didn’t-” he says sternly. The door opens, and as Dexter is about to speak again, Kate steps in.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask both of you to leave. I can’t have my patient put under any unnecessary distress,” she says austerely, and I am thankful for her intervention.
