by Amiee Louise
What the fuck happened to her to make her act this way? She's hiding something from me, it’s like she’s returned a completely different person to the woman I fell in love with.
“Take me home, please,” she says with a sniff, and I shake my head.
“No, I’m taking you back to my place, angel. I’m going to feed you and make you some coffee, you’re going to shower and then you’re sleeping in my bed.”
She shakes her head and screams at me.
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO ME? I FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE!” She lowers her voice and I grip the steering wheel so tight, my knuckles turn white. “Why aren’t you shouting and screaming at me for being so reckless and cold?”
The truth is, I don’t know. I know I should be shouting and cursing her to hell, but I can’t. We aren’t technically together right now, but she’s the mother of my child and this past month has made me realise what I already knew, I still have feelings for her. Hell, I love her, so god damn much.
“Please, just take me home, Sam.”
She sobs. I reach over the centre console to her, but she flinches back from me, as if I have burned her. I clench my jaw at her reaction and move my hand away. The moment is interrupted by my phone ringing and I push the button on the steering wheel to activate the hands free.
“Hey, I’m driving, and you’re on hands free, dude.”
Brody’s voice comes through the cars sound system, “Did you find her, mate?”
His voice is filled with trepidation and I take a deep, cleansing breath.
“Yeah, man, I’ve got her; she’s in my car. I’m bringing her back now.”
He breathes out a sigh of relief before he speaks again, “Is-Is she ok?”
I close my eyes briefly and she scowls.
“Let me out,” she says softly, as she reaches for the door.
“Shit! Brody, I’m going to have to call you back, man, I need to pull over.”
“Sam, what’s going on?” His voice sounds panicked.
I reach over to stop her from opening the door, while the car is moving, and I swerve to avoid an oncoming car, the honking of the horn startling both of us.
“Fuck! Jesus Christ! Angel, will you stop please! Stop for a fucking second! You’re going to get us both killed!” I raise my voice.
“LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, SAM!” she screams.
“Peyton, babe, it’s me Brody. Listen to me, sweets; I need you to calm down for me, yeah? We all just want what’s best for you, that’s all I promise.”
His voice is soft as he tries to placate her. She pulls her hand back from the door and rests it in her lap.
“Would it help if Sam bought you to me? I live with him, but I’ve got my own living space in the opposite wing to him. I’ve got some beers in, we can talk, just you and me, no judgement. How does that sound, babe?” he says softly, and her eyes look so haunted.
It breaks my heart to see her this way. She nods, and her wide, blue eyes are brimming with tears.
“I’m bringing her home, Brody.”
“No worries, man, I’ll see you in a little while, dude, see you soon, sweetness.”
He hangs up the phone and I signal to pull over at the side of the road. The car crawls to a stop, and I put the handbrake on. I lean over the steering wheel.
Why won’t she fucking talk to me? Why can’t she just tell me what was so bad that she’s hit the self-destruct button?
“I didn’t ask you to come and find me, I was fine,” she says indifferently and swipes angrily at the tears that have tracked their way down her cheek.
I scrub my hands down my face. Fuck me.
“Freddie needs you, I fucking need you, Peyton.”
Another tear escapes from the corner of her eye and she squeezes her eyes shut.
“No, you don’t need me, Sam; I made you think I was dead. That’s unforgivable; I see it every time you look at me.”
I reach for her hand, but this time she lets me take it and I hold it in mine. She is trembling uncontrollably; I bring her hand up to my mouth and place a gentle kiss on the back to try and calm her.
“I’ll never forget the way you looked at me when you first saw me in your hospital room. That image is burned into my fucking consciousness.”
I shake my head and slam my hand harshly against the steering wheel.
“I was in fucking shock! I had spent a whole year mourning you, grieving for you; I would wake up in the morning and think ‘what’s the fucking point’. I tried to take my own life, for fucks sake! I opened a vein just to make the fucking pain stop! I wanted it all to stop.”
She grimaces at my honest words and snatches her hand away.
“Let me out of this fucking car now, Sam,” she says coldly.
She opens the car door and gets out, stumbling, as her heels hit the floor. I slam my hands on the steering wheel and shout, “FUCKKKK!”
I watch as she staggers down the road. I open the car door and pace down the street after her. It takes me a few long strides to catch up with her; I grab her wrist and she spins around, slapping me hard across the face. Her eyes widen as she realises what she has just done. She puts her hand to her mouth and starts to sob.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Sam, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she repeats over and over.
Her knees buckle underneath her, and I catch her in my arms. We both sink down to the floor and I hold her in my arms tightly at the side of the road.
“Sh, sh, sh, it’s alright, let it all out. I’ve got you, angel, you’re safe.”
I kiss the top of her head. I just let her cry, holding her tight, stroking her back and reassuring her as best as I can.
I am not sure how long we sit at the side of the road, but her tears have finally subsided. I scoop her up in my arms and take her back to the car. I sit her in the passenger seat and click her seatbelt into place. She is still trembling uncontrollably, and it fucking breaks my heart. I make my way to the driver seat; I climb in, close the door, fasten my seatbelt and pull away from the kerb.
For the remainder of the journey to my house in Hertfordshire, we are both silent and left to our thoughts. As we drive through the security gate and pull into my gravelled driveway, I notice she has fallen asleep, she must have been exhausted. Brody is sitting on the stone steps, wearing a pair of dark blue and grey plaid pyjama bottoms, a white vest and black skull slippers. I get out of the car and go around to the passenger side, smirking at the sight of Brody in his pyjamas.
“What’s so funny?” Brody asks.
I chuckle.
“You on the doorstep in your pyjamas!”
Brody narrows his eyes and folds his arms across his chest.
“Funny fucker,” he mutters grumpily.
As I open the passenger door, I scoop her into my arms, kick the car door shut with my boot, and make my way to the front door. Brody locks my car and helps me inside. As I step inside, the hallway is flooded with light. The pros of modern technology!
“I’m going to go and put her in my bed, I’ll sleep in one of the spare rooms,” I tell him.
Brody brushes my arm reassuringly.
“Are you sure this is a good idea, dude?”
I shake my head.
“No, it’s a fucking awful idea, but what other fucking choice did I have? Leave her out there on her own, vulnerable, upset, scared? I love her with everything I am, Brody. We were going to get married and have our happily ever after. But we never got that, now she’s the mother of my child, but she’s so haunted and...” I close my eyes and stop myself, before I say too much. “I’ll be right back.”
Brody nods in understanding and I make my way up the stairs to my bedroom. I lay her down on my bed, pull off her shoes and undress her carefully, leaving her underwear on, and pull the covers up over her. She looks so peaceful when she’s asleep, but I know that is far from the truth. I spend a moment admiring her. She is so beautiful, but her beauty is marred with the dark
circles under her eyes. I push a strand of her dark hair away from her face and kiss her gently on her forehead.
“Goodnight, angel,” I whisper and leave the room.
I go back downstairs and into the kitchen where Brody is perched on the worktop, with a glass of amber liquid in his hand. He pushes a glass over to me.
“You look like you need it, dude.” We both smile at each other as I take the glass and take a long drink. “So, shoot, you look like you could do with a chat.”
I shake my head.
“Cole tracked the GPS on her phone and I found her stumbling drunk outside that new bar, JJ’s Inferno. She wouldn’t get in the car. It was like she wasn’t even there, and it was fucking scaring the shit out of me. She eventually got in the car and she started screaming at me, telling me she wasn’t my problem anymore. Then she proceeded to tell me she fucked someone else tonight; it broke my fucking heart, Brody. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved, and she tore my heart clean out of my chest.”
Brody pours me another drink and I knock it back.
“Fuck, what isn't she telling me, Brody? Why is she acting this way?”
Brody shrugs.
“I have no idea, dude; she’s hit the self-destruct button, that’s the way it sounds to me, anyway. I’ve been in rehab a few times to know the signs, I think she’s been through a trauma, a trauma so bad that she’s switched everything off and she’s determined to punish herself and everyone around her. I’m no shrink, but you need to either help her, or give her the space she needs.”
I scrub my hands down my face.
“She’s the mother of my kid, for fuck’s sake.”
Brody knocks back his drink.
“So, you think just because she’s someone’s mum, she hasn’t got the right to break down? Jesus Christ, don’t be a fucking prick, Sam.”
I can always rely on Brody to be honest with me, brutally so. He tells it like it is, I need that sometimes and now is one of those moments.
“Fuck, I don’t know how to fix this...mess, Brody,” I say dejectedly and Brody smirks.
“So, you expected what? To go out there tonight, find her, she would be eternally grateful for you rescuing her? Like a knight in shining armour and she would fall back into your arms? Fucking hell, dude, what do you think this is Mills and fucking Boon?”
I take a sip of my drink as Brody throws his head back and laughs.
I’m glad my love life amuses you, Hart.
“Look, man, I’m sorry, I don’t fucking mean to take the piss, but you need to realise she’s not the same girl she was a year ago.”
I fucking hate it when he’s right.
***
Brody went to bed a while ago, after a long chat. Even though I knew it was wrong at the time, I couldn’t resist the magnetic pull I felt when I went to check on her. She looked so peaceful and vulnerable asleep in my bed. Before I could get my thoughts in check, I was stripping down to my boxers and climbing into bed next to her. Feeling the warmth of her body next to mine and inhaling her unique scent and touching her soft skin, after a whole year, was more than I could handle. She is my home, even after her absence, and she owns me. That thought caused me to drift off into the best sleep I’d had in a long time.
I’m not sure how long I have been asleep, but I am woken by Peyton writhing next to me. I rub the sleep from my eyes and move over to her.
“Stay with me, angel,” I soothe. She thrashes against me, and I try to envelope her in my arms. But she's definitely been working out; her tattooed biceps are taut and stronger than I remember. “Focus on my voice, angel, you need to stay with me.” I use my husky voice, urging her to come back to me from her nightmare, but it doesn't seem to be working.
“Angel.”
I can feel her heart beat banging in her chest and the strangled whimpers coming from her make me feel as if my own heart is being ripped from my chest.
“Shhh, I’ve got you angel, come back to me, stay with me.”
She starts bunching the sheets in her tiny hands and she bucks up off the bed, her back arching into me. I try to hold her, and she struggles against me.
“Angel, it's Sam, focus on my voice. It’s just a nightmare, you’re safe.”
She lets out a scream and my heartbeat quickens. I feel like my heart is breaking seeing her like this, seeing her react to a vivid nightmare like this.
“NO! NO! GET OFF ME! NOOO! PLEASE DON’T,” she pleads. She is soaked with sweat and her beautiful face is contorted with fear, I can’t fucking bear it. “NO! NO! NOOOOO!” she screams.
I grip her wrists in my hands and gently shake her, begging her to come back to me. She thrashes violently against me, whipping her head from side to side. Seeing her like this is killing me. I swallow past the lump that’s formed in my throat.
“Angel,” I rasp.
I let go of her wrists and pull her to my warm chest, trying to offer her comfort, something familiar and safe. She screams again, and I feel her fist connect with my cheek. She punches me hard enough that my head snaps to the side. Fuck me; she’s definitely stronger than I remember.
“Fuck,” I curse, and she opens her eyes.
She looks confused, and she struggles to focus on her surroundings. Her pained sapphire eyes, look into my green ones and she starts to sob hard.
“Oh God, oh God, oh God, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
She jumps from my arms and scrambles out of bed. She is in her underwear and her skin is glistening with sweat. She drags her hand through her hair and her breathing is erratic. I can see her visibly trembling from my position on the bed. What could possibly make her react like this? What the fuck was she dreaming about?
“Angel,” I whisper, and she shakes her head.
She is clammy with sweat and she looks so pale; she looks like she has seen a ghost.
“Please, Sam, just don’t,” she chokes out and runs into the adjoining bathroom, she locks it behind her.
I sit on the edge of the bed, wondering what the fuck just happened. I pad across the bedroom and tap softly on the bathroom door.
“Are you ok, angel?”
I hear her sobbing softly and I rattle the door handle.
“Let me in, babe, talk to me, please.”
There is a silence and I hear her start to violently vomit. I bang the door hard with my fist.
“Peyton, angel, open the door, or I’m going to have to break it the fuck down.”
Fuck!
“Angel, please open the door.”
I start pacing the floor and run my hands frantically through my hair. I need to talk to someone. I reach for my phone and swipe my finger across the screen, selecting the person I need to speak to.
“Do you know what fucking time it is, Sam? These late-night phone calls need to stop, mate, the Mrs is beginning to get a complex!” Jax’s calm voice comes down the phone.
“She had a nightmare, dude. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m out of my depth and I don’t know how to handle this. She’s scaring the living fuck out of me, Jax,” I say in a desperate, panicked voice and I hear him curse.
“Do you need me to come over, mate? I can be there in ten minutes, five, if I put my foot down.”
I run my free hand through my hair.
“Fuck, I don’t know. She’s locked herself in the bathroom. She’s throwing up, and she’s refusing to come out, I don’t know what to do, man.”
Jax curses on the other end of the phone, for a second time.
“Who’s that, baby?” I hear Ruby’s voice, thick with sleep on the other end.
“It’s just Sam, sweetheart, go back to sleep,” Jax soothes her.
“Doesn’t that boy ever fucking sleep?” she says sleepily, and I suddenly feel bad for calling.
“Look, dude, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called, I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“No, it’s fine honestly, mate.”
With those words, Peyton comes flying out of the bathroom like a tornado, and
she starts frantically collecting her clothes. She starts getting dressed and fumbles her way into her clothes, as if she can’t wait to get out of here.
“Shit! Jax, I need to go.”
I hear Ruby curse.
“Where are my fucking clothes?” she asks, with an infuriated edge to her voice and she rushes past me, but I catch her by the wrist before she can run off. She flinches away from me and struggles against my grip.
