by Erin Dutton
Elle had been with them for just over a year. Thirteen months—the first six of which were full of tumultuous supervised visits with her birth mother, which only made Jacqueline want to draw Elle closer and hide her away. When, before every meeting, Elle had started to beg them not to make her go, and to cry afterward, Jacqueline had pled with their caseworker to get them a court date. She wanted the woman’s parental rights terminated and Elle with them permanently. The caseworker assured them she was doing what she could “within the system” but that Elle’s mother hadn’t proved herself unredeemable.
In fact, during the next several months, her visits transitioned from supervised to unsupervised. When they were told the mother had been granted a weekend visitation, Jacqueline had tried to refuse. She wouldn’t let that woman take her baby for two whole days to a place she’d never seen and was supposed to accept based on the caseworker’s word that Elle was safe. In the end, she’d helplessly let her go for the weekend. She hadn’t thought she could feel more powerless, but then the system had given Elle back to her birth mother for good.
You are the child’s protector. The concept had been drilled into her head years ago, before Sean, during the required parenting classes. Above all else, the safety and welfare of the child should be her priority. And it was. She’d taken those words as an oath and would have ripped herself apart to protect Sean and Elle. In fact, on some levels she had. She’d certainly destroyed her relationship in the aftermath.
She’d known that Sean missed Elle and didn’t really understand what had happened. But she’d been so unable to deal with her own grief that she’d basically left comforting Sean to Casey. And though Casey certainly had her own emotions to deal with, Jacqueline blamed Casey for bringing the heartache upon all of them by talking her into fostering again. For a while afterward, she hadn’t missed an opportunity to remind Casey that it had been her idea.
Losing Elle hadn’t caused their breakup, but it had certainly piled on to the problems they’d already been having. They hadn’t lasted even another year after that.
Jacqueline stood, careful not to look at the little girl again. She headed out the other side of the park, away from home. Thinking about Elle had ripped open old wounds, and she couldn’t go near either Casey or her father until she’d put those feelings back where they belonged.
*
Forty-five minutes later, she turned the corner onto Casey’s street—her old street. She’d wandered the neighborhood long enough to get herself under control, purposely shutting out any hint of nostalgia.
But when she stopped in front of the house and saw Casey sitting on the top step of the front porch, a fresh wave of emotion swept over her. She still didn’t want to talk about Elle or the many other complicated issues that her father’s aging and spending time around Casey were bringing up. But she could apologize for how she’d acted. That much she did owe Casey.
“Hey.” Casey gave her a small smile. She’d planted her feet two steps below her butt, and she rested her elbows on her slightly raised knees. She held a beer bottle in one hand, her wrist swinging loose.
“I’m sorry. For blowing up and for taking off. Not that it’s an excuse, but I’ve been over there with him nonstop for the past two days, and he’s driving me a little nuts.”
“And maybe you’re a bit stir-crazy. Assuming you didn’t work over the weekend, it’s been five days, hasn’t it? How long has it been since you spent this many days away from work?”
Jacqueline nodded, admitting Casey might be onto something. Since they’d split up, she’d taken only one vacation. Even then, she took her laptop on the weeklong trip to the beach and worked from her resort-hotel room.
“Did I completely miss dinner, then?”
“You did. And Teddy forced me to take most of the leftovers.” Casey nodded to a container on a chair behind her. “He said if you were going to act like a child you could eat peanut butter and jelly for all he cared.”
Jacqueline rolled her eyes. “Sounds like him. Do you want to share some of that?” Suddenly she was starving, and either she could smell the food or seeing it had made her imagine she could.
“Grab a fork from the kitchen and it’s all yours.”
Jacqueline hurried inside, intentionally not lingering inside her old house long enough to let her emotions get out of control again, then returned just as quickly. She scooped up the food, then settled on the step next to Casey and opened the lid. She inhaled deeply, practically tasting the spicy flavors as she drew in the scent. “I really do love Pad Thai.”
“That’s why him sending me away with the food was a great punishment.”
Jacqueline shrugged and took a bite of noodles. “Or he knew I’d end up here with my hat in hand.”
“That’d mean he raised you right.”
“He did.” She speared her fork into the food, set the container aside, and turned her body to make sure Casey could see she was sincere. “The house thing caught me off guard, and I reacted badly.”
“I wasn’t trying to upset you. Especially not when I brought up—”
“No. It’s my fault.” Jacqueline interrupted before Casey could turn the conversation to Elle. “You don’t owe me any explanations. And the house is yours, to do what you want with.”
“I know that. But I thought you should hear it from me.”
“When Sean said—well, I guess I assumed she’d be moving in with you.” The idea of Nina living in her house—Casey’s house—wasn’t any easier to accept.
“I didn’t exactly go into detail with him.”
Jacqueline nodded, then covered Casey’s hand with hers. “If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you. For both of you.” She stared at their hands, resting on Casey’s thigh. How many nights, when Sean was young, had they sat on this porch together and watched him in the yard with one of the neighborhood kids? Then she remembered how those evenings had dwindled as she’d traveled more, and she wondered if Casey had still sat out here—alone. It hurt to know that she hadn’t paid enough attention at the time to know the answer. Since she couldn’t ask now, she slid her hand away, stood, and took a few steps down the walk away from the steps.
Casey narrowed her eyes, as if trying to work out the answer to her own question. Jacqueline was so certain their conversation was going to take a different turn that she was almost startled when Casey returned to the topic of moving in with Nina.
“It’s time for Nina and me to focus on our future. Sean’s going on to the next stage of his life. He won’t need me—or you—as much.”
“I’m really not ready to talk about him being a grown-up.” Jacqueline laughed softly. “It’ll just make me feel old.”
Casey smiled. “We are old.” She tilted her head toward the stair next to her. “Now sit back down and finish eating.”
Chapter Six
Jacqueline caught a bead of condensation as it ran down the outside of her water glass and dragged her finger back up to the rim. She glanced at her watch, then at the door. The waiter made eye contact from across the room, but she waved him off again. She wasn’t on a super-tight schedule, but she didn’t have all day either. Kendra had texted that she was running late. And though it might save time, Kendra would be mad if Jacqueline ordered without her.
Jacqueline had cursed a couple of other drivers in the dense traffic from her office to the popular West End lunch spot. Kendra wouldn’t be quite so harried when she arrived, as Jacqueline would bet she’d call an Uber car to pick her up at her Music Row office. She hated driving and avoided it whenever she could.
When she strode through the front door looking relaxed and confident, Jacqueline knew she’d spent the last fifteen minutes checking her email in the backseat of a car rather than silently willing the car in front of her to “just go” so they could make the light before it turned. As Kendra wove her way through the tables, Jacqueline stood.
“You look cute,” Jacqueline said as they embraced. Kendra’s black jeans, maroon blous
e, and black leather jacket accentuated her voluptuous body. A soft, light-gray scarf was wound loosely around her neck.
“You look—tired.” Kendra laughed. “How’s Teddy?”
“He’s hanging in there. Sean came home a day early for the weekend. Which is why I was able to sneak away to meet you for lunch.”
“I’m glad you did.” They both sat, and Kendra waved the hovering waiter over. “I assume you’ve had time to look at the menu. I already know what I want.”
Jacqueline ordered a turkey-and-avocado sandwich with truffle fries, while Kendra opted for the Swiss chard and oyster-mushroom tacos.
“Did you go vegetarian on me?” Jacqueline asked after the waiter had left.
“It’s the most low-cal thing on the menu. Gavin’s trying out some new menu items, and I’ve been his guinea pig every night this week. Pig apparently being the operative word.” She patted her belly gently. “If I don’t watch it, I’ll blimp out.”
“You’re beautiful. And lucky your boyfriend is an amazing chef. Is he here?” Jacqueline made a show of lifting her chin and looking toward the door to the kitchen.
“He’s back there somewhere.” Kendra hitched a thumb over her shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll make an appearance eventually. You know he’s a bit of an attention whore and will want you to have a chance to properly congratulate him.”
“For a few new menu items? That’s great and all, but I don’t know if it’s reason for a celebration.”
“No. For popping the question.” She stuck out her left hand, now adorned with a giant solitaire.
“Oh, my God, that’s great.” Jacqueline sprang out of her seat, hugged Kendra, and gushed over the ring. “I’ll forgive him for keeping you from me for the past couple of weeks. But he better not think he can get away with it again.”
Kendra laughed. “It wasn’t him. I’ve been holed up in the studio with Brooke Donahue, putting the finishing touches on her album.” Kendra had been Brooke’s producer on both of her albums.
“Oh, she’s totally forgiven. I love her.” Jacqueline returned to her side of the table and they sat down.
“I know. She knows. Remember when you hit on her at that fund-raiser I was kind enough to invite you to.”
“I didn’t hit on her. I simply told her how much I enjoyed her music.”
“Would you break your rule about dating local for her?”
“Maybe. But not my rule about dating married.” She had—once—after a very lengthy dry spell. Giving in to loneliness, she’d let a gorgeous woman seduce her into ignoring the wedding-ring set on her elegant finger. But the guilt had eaten her up. As it turned out, she still had some morals after all. She’d never crossed that boundary again.
“That’s probably a good thing. Addison is completely in love with Brooke, and she might kick your ass. It’s pretty clear how happy they are.”
Jacqueline shrugged.
“What was that?”
“What?”
“The shrug and the look.” Kendra waved her fork at Jacqueline.
“Happy fades.”
“Wow. That’s a lovely sentiment to hear as I’m about to tie myself to Gavin essentially for the rest of my life.”
“Essentially?”
“Yeah. I mean I can still walk away unscathed. Until we have kids.”
“That’s the truth.”
Kendra squeezed Jacqueline’s hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“No, please. I’m the one who should be sorry. You have this amazing news, and I don’t want to bring it down with my ancient history.”
“If it really were history, you wouldn’t be upset about it.”
“Kendra—”
“I knew something more than Teddy was bothering you when you called last night.”
“Let’s talk about your wedding. Oh, and babies—are you going to have babies right away?”
“I’m not getting any younger. I told Gavin if he wants one, it needs to be soon.”
“I’m going to be an awesome godmother.”
“I haven’t asked you to be a godmother.”
Jacqueline pretended to look offended. “Who else would you ask?”
“Maybe I’ll ask you and Casey. That way if something happens to us, at least you’ll have to finally get over yourself and be honest with her.”
She didn’t bother with the protest that Kendra would certainly ignore. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Hmm—how about, Casey, I’ve never stopped loving you, and I wish we could give us another shot.”
“Kendra.”
“I think that sums it up pretty good.”
She shook her head. “You know I can’t do that. If none of the reasons we split up have changed, then there’s no point in trying again. We’ll end up the same, only maybe worse.”
“Or better. Isn’t there a chance you could figure out how to keep it together this time?”
“If it’s just a chance, the answer’s still no. I could never do that to Sean. He’s already been through it once.”
“But you love her.”
“It’s not that simple. I know your squishy heart and wedding-brain want to believe that’s enough, but sometimes it isn’t.” She did love her. But so much trust had been destroyed, and they’d treated each other badly. Jacqueline didn’t know if she could give anyone a fair shot at her heart again, let alone Casey, with whom she already had so much baggage.
“Maybe if you talk to her—”
“She asked me to leave, Kendra. Eight years ago. Why do you think that’s going to change now?”
“I can hope.” Kendra gave her a sympathetic smile. “I introduced you guys, so I feel responsible.”
Jacqueline laughed. “You always act like you did it on purpose, too.”
“I invited her to poker, didn’t I?”
“Not for me.”
“Okay. But I did encourage you for three days afterward to call her while you were dragging your feet. You’re lucky some other hot lesbian didn’t beat you to her.”
As soon as Kendra had seen Casey’s number on Jacqueline’s door, she’d started hounding Jacqueline to call and ask her out. But something about Casey had made Jacqueline nervous, and she’d spent several days with her stomach in knots and fantasies of Casey spinning through her head before she got up her nerve.
“You haven’t told Casey that I still—”
“Of course not. I’m a vault.”
She knew Kendra still talked to Casey, but she wasn’t sure at what level they confided in each other. If Casey had said—no, she wouldn’t let her mind or her heart go there. Casey was off the market and definitely off-limits to Jacqueline.
“And, hey, I do not have wedding-brain. That’s not even a thing.”
“It is. Women who are getting married want everyone else to be, too.”
“Please. I don’t want you stealing any of my thunder with a shiny new love.”
“No new love for me. I promise.” Jacqueline signaled the waiter for the check. “When’s the big day?”
“We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m thinking a few months, if we can pull it off. We want a small ceremony. I’ve already done the big, fancy wedding.”
Kendra had met her first husband, a successful music producer, just out of college. Their ceremony had landed on the society page, and she’d been branded the latest trophy wife of a much-older man. While Kendra had been in it for real, the marriage didn’t last. She’d left her husband’s company and started her career from scratch, determined to make her own name. And she’d stayed out of the dating scene for years, until she met Gavin.
“I expect you and Casey to both stand up with me, so keep it civil until then, okay?”
“She’s moving in with Nina.” She tilted her head in a fake gesture of indifference. “Actually, she’s selling our house—her house—and getting a place with her.”
“She told you?” Kendra looked surprised—not that Casey was selling, but
that she’d told Jacqueline.
“You knew.”
“She mentioned that they were talking about moving in.”
“Her idea or Nina’s?” She held up her hands as soon as she said it. “Don’t answer that. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you. Anyway, she didn’t tell me. Sean did, but she confirmed it when I asked.”
“I don’t think she intended to keep the news from you.”
“I don’t either. I just wasn’t prepared for that kick in the gut. I haven’t lived there in years. But it’s like as long as she had the house—”
“I know.”
She took a deep breath, then expelled it, trying to clear out her emotions as well. “It’s okay. It’s good.”
“Is it?”
She forced herself to nod. “She’s happy.”
“You deserve to be happy, too.” Kendra grabbed her hand.
“I know. But right now I’ve got my hands full with work and Dad.” She’d worry about the rest later. She could try to convince herself that she should be looking for a relationship—someone to grow old with—because that’s what people did. But maybe she wasn’t meant for that kind of happy ending. She’d just focus on working and making enough money to pay for a fancy nursing home to live out her days in. She smiled to herself, glad she hadn’t voiced that thought out loud for Kendra to hear.
*
Monday morning, Jacqueline loaded her small suitcase and briefcase into her car. Late last week, she’d made arrangements with a senior-care company to send someone a couple of times a day to check on her father. With one worry alleviated, she concentrated on enjoying the weekend before returning to work. She’d made a nice dinner for her father and Sean Saturday night, and then they’d piled onto the couch for a movie night. Sean probably had better things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with his mother and grandfather. But he hadn’t let on that he’d rather be anywhere else, and Jacqueline enjoyed the quality time.
