Brother’s Best Friend

by Kaylee, Katy

  I nodded.

  “Me, I was a fucking mess. I was planning to go career in the military, but when my wife started sleeping with a coworker, I decided I needed to get out.”

  “She betrayed you?” I knew this story.

  “Yes. And I was plenty pissed about it, but now, not so much.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling this angry with Summer. Every time I thought about what she’d taken from me, and why, I felt like punching something.

  “I was gone, man. I was home long enough to knock her up, and then I was gone. I was in Afghanistan when my kids were born when they took their first steps. My youngest was nearly two the first time I met her.”

  “At least you knew about them.”

  “What?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing.” I sat back as the waitress brought us coffee and water, and took our orders.

  “The point is, she was alone, she needed someone, and I wasn’t there.”

  “So, why not go back in?”

  “My kids, man. They fucking saved me.” He leaned forward. “I don’t know about you, but I feel pretty shitty about myself most of the time. It’s fucking exhausting to always feel like the boogeyman is around the corner, you know?”

  I nodded. That I knew.

  “But I look at my kids and think, how the fuck did I help create something so good and beautiful. Do you have kids?”

  I rolled my shoulders and looked out the window. My instinct was to lie. I may have created a person, but I wasn’t a father. Not really. But my body betrayed me and nodded. “A little girl.” Saying it out loud made my heart clench.

  “Then you know, right? I mean don’t you look at her and think, how the hell did I do that?”

  I hadn’t. I hadn’t even been able to process that I was Emma’s father. All I’d been able to focus on was the anger that I hadn’t known about her.

  “I only just learned about her…her mother hadn’t told me.”

  “Ah, that’s fucked up.” He sat back and stared at me. “Were you deployed?”

  I nodded. “But I wasn’t on Mars.” Communication from home wasn’t impossible. I’d talked to my grandmother regularly during my deployments.

  He laughed. “Right. Is that why you’re going back?”

  I was noncommittal.

  “Look, man, that’s pretty shitty the girl’s mom didn’t tell you, but you’re a dad now. She can’t stop you from being with the kid. You’ve got rights.”

  “She doesn’t know…the girl…she doesn’t know I’m her father.”

  “So, tell her. I’m telling you, Rafe, you need to take more time and try harder in civilian life. Do you really want to go back? I mean, really?”

  I didn’t. Not really. “It’s what I know.”

  “I get that. The devil you know and all that. But you need to give it more time. You know I’d be the first one to say all that counseling was bullshit. We’re a bunch of broken pussies rehashing the horrors of war, but when I look at my life three years ago and where I’m at now, I have to think it must work. I’ve got a job. I’ve got my kids. And if I play my cards right, I might get my wife back.”

  “She’s not with the other guy?”

  “Nope.” Joe sat back with a satisfied smirk. “I’m the only one fucking her now. Of course, she keeps telling me it doesn’t mean anything, but I can be patient.” He sat back as the hostess brought our breakfast.

  “And you’re not mad about her cheating?”

  “Does it bother me? Yes. Do I want to kick his ass? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I want her and my family and life back more than I want to hold a grudge, especially since it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been gone. That’s on me.”

  “But was your job.”

  He shrugged. “I could have gotten out sooner. In the end, it’s like I said, I’d rather be with my family than continue to be pissed. Maybe you haven’t felt this yet, but you need to find the person or thing that makes you feel normal again. For me, it’s my ex and kids. All the fucked up things that go on in here.” He tapped his temple. “Quiets down when they’re around. Have you had that yet?”

  I closed my eyes.

  “You have. I can tell. What was it?”

  I opened my eyes but didn’t respond.

  He quirked a brow. “Your baby mama?”

  I nodded.

  He sighed. “Well, that makes it harder, doesn’t it? If she lied to you. I don’t know your woman. I mean, she could be a terrible person and you don’t need that. But I know my ex isn’t a horrible person. She was lonely and overwhelmed with three kids, and she felt abandoned by me. I can forgive her and move on. I’ll tell you, I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time, so it’s worth it to let the past be the past.”

  I wasn’t sure I could do that.

  “Did you love this woman?”

  “Yes.”

  “And the kid.”

  “Yes.”

  Joe shrugged. “Seems like that’s the answer unless you think she’s going to lie to you some more. But even if she does, you should be with your kid. I’m telling you, Rafe, there’s nothing better than being a dad.” Joe sat back and smiled. I studied him, noting the authenticity of his words. Then he leaned forward. “Besides, you don’t strike me as a man to avoid his responsibility. You’re a father and that means you have another life you’re responsible for. That seems like the better choice than re-enlisting.”

  I ate in quiet and listened as Joe prattled on about his kids, his job at a high-tech security firm, and his plans to win his wife back. He had it all figured out. Me? I was only more confused. In a perfect world, Summer and Emma and I would be a family. But I couldn’t get past Summer’s betrayal. More accurately, I couldn’t get past her belief that I wasn’t good enough. Not that I didn’t agree with her. I had some pretty significant baggage, but she’d said things to me that made me think she believed in me, and that had been a lie. Why had she done that? Why did she tell me she wished I could see the goodness in me as she saw in me, and at the same time decide I wasn’t good enough to know about my own child?

  “Are your parents around Rafe?” Joe’s words broke me out of my thoughts.

  “No. I was raised by my grandmother. She died five years ago.”

  “So you have no one? Siblings?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Fuck, man.” Joe pushed his plate away and sat back in the booth. “All the more reason to grab onto your kid.”

  I sipped my coffee, wishing he wasn’t going back to that.

  “She’ll ground you. But even more, you don’t want her growing up without a dad, do you?”

  “She has an uncle and grandfather.”

  Joe made a pffft sound. “That’s all well and good, but you’re her father. Little girls need their dads.”

  Gavin’s angry words came back to me. Emma deserves a father who’ll fight for her. Her uncle shouldn’t have to convince her father she’s worth the effort. At the time, I was thinking Emma didn’t know about me, and Summer didn’t think I was good enough, so it was better to bow out. Let them live their lives without me as they had for five years.

  But listening to Joe and rethinking about Gavin’s impassioned plea, I wondered if I would unintentionally do harm to Emma by not standing up to be her father. My parents chose drugs and alcohol over me. It’s difficult to grow up knowing your parents would rather have a drink or a hit than play catch. If the truth about me ever came out, what would Emma think? That I’d left instead of fighting for her? My breakfast started to sour in my belly at the thought.

  “Oh, hey…look at the time. I need to get on the road. Don’t want to be late.” Joe pulled out his wallet. “Let me pay for you.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Please. I appreciate the company.” He waved down the waitress. “Think about what I said, Rafe. Don’t give up yet.”

  I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

  He stood as the waitress arrived
with the bill. “I hope I’ll see you at group next week.”

  I nodded again but didn’t make any commitment. Instead, I sat there, as the last two days whirled through my brain. Everything - how I’d wanted Summer and Emma to move in with me, garnering a bit of a truce with Gavin, and then discovering I was Emma’s father. I put my elbows on the table, resting my head in my hands, wishing the right answer would filter up from the swirl of thoughts rushing in my brain.

  “More coffee?” The waitress asked.

  “Yes please.” I didn’t really want more coffee, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet either. I had to decide if I was going to take the last steps to Quantico and re-enlist, or drive back to Hope and fight for Emma.

  23

  Summer

  I had regrets and disappointments in my life, but the negative emotions of those have dissipated over time. The regret and grief I felt now would never go away. They would never lessen in intensity. For the rest of my life, I’d have to live with what I’d done to Rafe and Emma, and it would probably drive me mad. Who was that woman who’d so callously kept such a secret? Why had my reasoning at the time made so much sense, when now it just felt so heinous?

  Not only would my regret never get better, but at some point, it would get worse. Someday, Emma would find out the truth because, as I’ve learned, the truth always comes out. And then she’d be mad at me for not telling her and mad at Rafe for walking away. But right now, I had to agree with Gavin, that to tell her now would only make her feel bad, the way my mother’s running off had made me feel unloved.

  I had to pray that Rafe would change his mind and come back, despite my actions, and take his rightful place as Emma’s father.

  “Summer?” Gavin knocked on my bedroom door. I was going to be late for work, but it was difficult to drum up the motivation to care, so I was hiding in bed.

  “You can come in.”

  Gavin opened the door. “You’ve got a call. It’s Dean Mason.”

  “The lawyer?”

  He nodded.

  Oh God, was Rafe going to fight for custody? He didn’t need to do that. I wanted him in Emma’s life.

  “Listen, Lainey also called your boss and told him you’re sick…a 48-hour thing, so you can stay home tomorrow too.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.” I don’t know what I’d do without Gavin and Lainey. I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Ms. Addison.”

  “Yes. This is Summer Addison.”

  “This is Dean Mason, I was instructed to contact you by Rafe Buchanan.”

  “Yes.” My voice quivered as my heart hammered in my chest from what he might say. Gavin frowned and stood next to my bed.

  “He’s having me draw up papers that allows an…” There was a pause and I imagined he was looking at papers on his desk, “...Emma Addison use of his house until such time as he is deceased, at which time she will inherit the home.”

  “What?” I looked at Gavin as I tried to process what he was telling me.

  “Speaker.” Gavin mouthed.

  I poked the speaker button on my phone and Mr. Mason’s voice echoed in my bedroom. “He wanted to give her the home, but there are some significant tax implications that he didn’t want to burden you with. So instead, he’s having me draw up papers that allow her, and you, as her mother, to live in the home, rent-free. Your daughter will also be named in his will to inherit the house. He does have some provisions for selling the home, but only later if Ms. Emma Addison no longer wants to live there, or the money is needed for college.”

  He said ‘your daughter’ not ‘his daughter’ which meant Rafe wasn’t openly acknowledging Emma. And if he was giving her the house, that meant he wasn’t coming back. Tears I didn’t think I could cry anymore, streamed down my face.

  Gavin’s eyes were wide with shock and then narrowed. “That son-of-a-bitch.”

  “Excuse me?” Mr. Mason’s voice came over the phone.

  “Mr. Mason, do you know where Mr. Buchanan is or what his plans are?”

  “Even if I did, I wouldn’t be at liberty to tell you.”

  “Right.”

  “I’m still drawing up the paper to get to him. He wanted me to let you know and give you permission to enter the house at any time starting today. He’s arranged for a fence to be installed in the back for Emma’s safety. He also gives you permission to do whatever you want with what’s in the interior of the house. He says he won’t need any of it.”

  “Okay.” I couldn’t imagine that my heart could break anymore, but it was splintering into a million pieces.

  “I wanted to get some information from you to make sure I have you and your daughter’s name correct.”

  Gavin was pacing my room. “What’s he thinking?”

  I shrugged. “What do you need to know?”

  “Your name is Summer Addison? Do you have a middle name you use?”

  “Marie.”

  “And your daughter?”

  “Her legal name is Emmaline Raffaella Addison.” I spelled it for him since most people got it wrong.

  “Thank you. I’ll get these papers drawn up. Mr. Buchanan says you can get the keys from the Hope Property Management Company.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’ll be in touch.”

  When he hung up, I dropped the phone, crawled into a ball and wept. “He’s gone.”

  The bed dipped where Gavin sat. “I’m sorry, Summer.”

  I jolted up and gripped Gavin’s arms. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this right.”

  He pulled me into his arms. “I wish I knew, honey. I really do.”

  The only thing that came to mind was to call him and beg. He hadn’t responded to my text, but maybe he’d answer the phone.

  I reached for my phone and dialed his number.

  “What are you doing?” Gavin asked.

  “Begging.”

  He nodded. “That worked for me to get Lainey back.”

  The phone rang, but there was no answer. Finally, I heard his strong, deep voice. It vibrated through my chest making it ache. “This is Rafe. Leave a message.”

  I took a deep breath. I had no idea what to say, but I felt like this was my one shot to make things right, if not for me, then for Emma.

  “Rafe…I, ah…first…I love you. Oh God…I love you so much and I hate that I hurt you. It’s killing me that I hurt you because you’re such a good and wonderful man.” My crying made it hard to talk, but I pushed through. “I know there’s no forgiving me, but please don’t hold what I did against Emma. Please, come home and be her father. She deserves you and you deserve her. I’m the one not good enough for either of you.”

  Gavin frowned.

  I sniffed, trying to keep my tears from overtaking the call. “I want her to know you. I want her to be able to be as proud of you as I am. She loves you already, Rafe. And I know you love her. Please…”

  God, I sounded so pathetic. There had to be something I could say. “I wasn’t lying when I told you I wished you could see you as I do. I’m so proud of you. Of how bravely you served your country, and I’ll say that even though I know you hate it. I’m proud of how hard you work to be the best man you can be…”

  Then it occurred to me that I should explain myself. “Rafe, I didn’t tell you not because I didn’t think you were worthy, because you’re one of the best people I know. At first, I was going to tell you, but when I arrived at your house, you were gone and your letter said not to contact you. I didn’t know what to do…Whenever I’d dropped hints at continuing our relationship, you always withdrew…so, I thought I was doing the right thing by doing what you said and moving on.” I blew out a breath and then inhaled another one. “I didn’t tell you when you came home because I’m an idiot. I did try to tell you one night, but you fell asleep...but I could have tried harder. My only excuse is that at the time I thought I was protecting Emma…not because I thought you’d hurt her, but that I wasn’t sure you were going to stay…we both
know what it’s like to have parents who don’t want us…not that you’d be like that…oh hell…this is coming out all wrong.” I burst into tears.

  I managed to pull it together, wondering how much time I had before the voicemail cut me off. “I love you. I love you so much. I’ve always loved you, I’ll always love you. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved or been with. I don’t know if that matters, but it’s true. You made me strong and brave, and you gave me Emma and for that, I’ll always love you. I know I have no right to ask, but if you could forgive me and even give me another chance to show you how much I love you…well…I’d like the chance. But even if I’ve killed your love for me, please, please, don’t run away from Emma. Don’t let me have ruined that—” A beep sounded, letting me know I’d hit the record limit. I hit the “End” button and tossed the phone on the bed.

  “If that doesn’t work, he’s a heartless bastard,” Gavin said.

  “Was it really that easy for you and Lainey?”

  Gavin shook his head. “No. But if he comes home, you’ll have more opportunities to make it right, Summer.” Then he frowned. “You named her after his family. Emmaline his grandmother. And Raffaella…that’s him, right?”

  I nodded.

  “How did I miss that? Everyone missed it.”

  “Because we call her Emma, I guess.” I was so tired. All I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and sleep.

  “Lainey and I are going to take Emma out today.”

  “Oh god, I should be with her.” I wasn’t just a terrible girlfriend, I was a terrible mother.

  “Give yourself some time to pull together. Emma doesn’t know what’s going on, so she’s fine.”

  I nodded.

  “I’ll ask Lainey to get the keys to the house.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t do that.”

  “It’s Emma’s, Summer. He might be running, but he has provided for her and you. You’d be an idiot not to take it. You gave Emma his name, he’s given her something of him too.”