A Fluid State

by Rob Browatzke

  “Yes. Listen to your husband,” Tommy’s dad said.

  “Fuck.”

  Patrick barely heard Andrew curse. “What did you say?” He stepped towards the other man, who stepped back.

  “You heard me.”

  Patrick felt his hands form into fists, and it was like his consciousness left his body. He knew how this would go. He would lay this asshole onto the ground. He could feel the satisfaction he would get from beating him onto a pulp, but then he could feel the shame that would follow. Not to mention Peter would be afraid. Not to mention Andrew’s disappointment. He couldn’t do it. He wanted to. He wanted to, so very badly, but he couldn’t.

  Instead, he turned and grabbed Andrew by the hand and pulled him forward. “This man is ten times the man you are,” he said, and he kissed Andrew hard on the lips.

  “Jesus!” the man said.

  “Fags!” Tommy yelled.

  Andrew pulled back, but Patrick didn’t let go of his hand.

  “C’mon, Tommy. Let’s go somewhere else.”

  Patrick was vibrating as he watched them walk off. Only when they disappeared over the hill, hopefully to get eaten by that yawning lion, only then did Patrick let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

  And then he took in what had just happened. He had kissed Andrew. In front of Peter. Also in front of two assholes, but in front of Peter. There was no avoiding the conversation now.

  “I guess we need to sit down and talk, hey?”

  Peter looked at him. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

  “Peter, we need to talk about what happened.”

  “Maybe I should go?” Andrew asked. “Leave you two to talk?”

  Patrick snorted. “You might as well stay now.”

  “Look, I just don’t want to talk about it,” Peter said. “He’s a jerk. I already knew that. Talking doesn’t help.”

  “Well, I didn’t mean that. I meant, about when I kissed Andrew. That was probably a confusing thing for you to see.”

  Peter scrunched up his face. “Dad. I’m eleven, not dumb. I know you’re dating.”

  Patrick felt his jaw drop as Andrew started laughing.

  ANDREW

  What even was happening now? How was this his life? Just weeks ago, his life was pretty normal for a cross-dressing homosexual in suburbia. Now, his for-lack-of-a-better-word boyfriend had just come out to his gender-bending son, and the day was barely half over.

  They’d relocated to the zoo’s food court. Some conversations were best had sitting down, even though Andrew didn’t think Peter needed that long of a conversation. Still, it was a golden gay rule that no one could tell anyone else how to come out. If Patrick wanted to do it over fries and cokes, then Patrick could do it over fries and cokes.

  This was their moment, Andrew knew. Patrick and Peter’s. He had been completely prepared to give the two of them some father-son time to talk about it, but Patrick had insisted Andrew stay with them. Now though, they were sitting at the table, all three of them silently snacking on the large basket of fries between them.

  Andrew ripped a piece off a fry and tossed it to a nearby pigeon.

  “So Peter,” Patrick suddenly said. “When you said you know we’re dating, what did you mean exactly?”

  Peter shrugged and smeared some ketchup around with a fry. “I dunno. Just that you’re together lots so I assumed you were boyfriends.”

  “Even though I was married to your mom?”

  “So? Maybe you’re bi. I don’t know.” He ate the fry. “Are you? Bi, I mean?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “It’s okay if you are, Dad.”

  Andrew chuckled again. This really was a remarkable kid. Patrick smiled at Andrew, clearly thinking the same thing.

  “Well, Peter,” Patrick said. “You really do continue to surprise your old man. And since you’re obviously pretty grown up about this, I’m going to talk to you like a grown up, k?”

  “Finally!” Peter rolled his eyes.

  “There’s certainly something going on with me and Andrew. I don’t know what it is exactly, but we definitely like each other – shut up, Andrew, don’t think I can’t see you grinning over there – and we are going to be spending more and more time together I think.”

  “That’s cool. I like spending time with Andrew too.”

  “You’re not freaked out by this?”

  “No. People love who they love.”

  Patrick blushed, and Andrew felt his own face grow hot, as the blurry memory of his drunken confession surfaced.

  “It might not be love yet, but you’re right. People like who they like. I told you I’d always love you no matter who you liked, remember?” Peter nodded. “I didn’t ever expect that we’d be having this conversation though.”

  “Is Andrew your first boyfriend?”

  Patrick blushed again, and stammered over his words, and Andrew couldn’t help but smile at how tongue-tied and awkward he could get. This super-confident, uber-masculine, army guy, and he was turning all sorts of pink.

  “I don’t know if we’re boyfriends but...”

  “Fine.” Peter rolled his eyes again. “A boy who’s a friend.”

  Andrew laughed out loud.

  “Does Mom know?”

  Patrick exhaled. “No. I need to tell her.”

  “She won’t care, Dad. She has lots of gay friends.”

  “That might be true, but it’s different when it’s your ex husband.”

  “What about kids like Tommy?” Andrew asked. “Are you going to be okay if they start bugging you about your dad dating a guy?”

  “Tommy’s an asshole – sorry, Dad, but he is – but I don’t care what he says.”

  Patrick laughed. “It’s ok. You can use that word if you want. And yes, he is, and no, you shouldn’t. But you promise you’ll come to me if anyone gives you a hard time about me and Andrew, or how you dress, or anything at all, okay?”

  “I promise, Dad.” He pursed his lips.

  “Is there something you wanna ask?”

  “Can we go now?”

  “Yes, I guess, if you want. But look, Peter, I don’t want you to spend all day in front of the TV.”

  “I don’t mean go home,” Peter said. “Let’s go see the other animals.”

  Patrick was beaming ear to ear, and Andrew watched as they all stood up, and Peter reached out to take his dad’s hand, and, what was this? He was a cynical queen. Why were his eyes brimming up in the middle of the day at the zoo?

  (Allergies. Definitely allergies)

  §

  Andrew let Patrick and Peter alone after the zoo. The conversation has gone amazingly well, but he still thought they needed some one-on-one time. He was standing there waiting for his car share to come get him, and Patrick had kissed him softly on the cheek. It was the simplest of gestures, and it had carried more meaning than any of the deeper kisses, or even the hot, sweaty, rolling around naked good times.

  It showed this wasn’t just about getting off.

  Back at his place, Andrew wandered about a bit aimlessly. His apartment had been his and only his for so long. As had his life. And it was a good one, really, and one he was very happy with. But as he wandered from room to room, he couldn’t help but mentally insert Patrick into his routine. Everything shone so much brighter.

  They’d made dinner plans for the next night. Next week, things would change. Peter would be back in school, which would make their weekends even more important. In a way, that was good. Most of Andrew’s gigs were on weekends. They’d have the weeknights together, he and Patrick, and Andrew already found himself making plans for when summer nights in the yard gave way to winter nights in front of the fireplace.

  Did Patrick ski? There was a big gay ski trip every year in November. Would Patrick even be okay with that? Would he, could he, live as a gay man? He seemed to be doing pretty well so far. But when he was back on the base regularly? Back around guys like his friends Mike and Damon? Would the se
nsitive and sweet and passionate guy revert to some sort of toxic jock syndrome?

  And what if Christy had a problem? Patrick was right, of course. Christy could go to the Torch every weekend, and dance with gay boys all night long, but it was different when it was your ex-husband and the father of your child.

  (Stop borrowing trouble)

  And then there was Ann. Would she eventually cause problems for them?

  (Ann is a saint)

  He had been single for so long, and so much of that was because of Ann. No, that wasn’t fair. Ann had been there for him when no one else had. All the men who’d refused to date him because of her, they were the ones with the problem. That was on them. She was part of him, some of the best parts of him really, and Patrick seemed to accept that.

  Maybe that acceptance was temporary.

  (But maybe not)

  Maybe he’d go back in the closet or go back to pussy.

  (God forbid)

  Maybe Christy would freak, or maybe Mike and Damon would pressure him into changing or denying, or maybe another thousand things that Andrew couldn’t begin to foresee would come up and come between them.

  Maybe they wouldn’t though.

  The phone rang, and Andrew smiled when he saw Patrick’s name . Andrew never smiled when someone called.

  (Who calls when you can text)

  (We really need to get a picture of Patrick for his contact info. Preferably something shirtless)

  “Hello.”

  “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “It’s like nine.”

  “Sorry. Dad hours.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Was just thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice.”

  (Be still my big gay heart)

  “That’s sweet. Did you guys have a nice night?”

  “Yes. It blows me away how cool Peter is about all this. All of us, I mean.”

  “You and Christy raised a good one there.”

  “I’m going to have to tell her.”

  “I know. She’ll be cool, Patrick. You know that, right?”

  “I like to think so. I guess she doesn’t have a choice, really, because you’re not going anywhere.”

  Andrew felt himself grin. “No. I’m not.”

  “I wish you were here right now actually,” Patrick went on.

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. I’m naked.”

  Andrew sat up. “Oh yah? Prove it.” He chuckled, but then the phone vibrated in his hand as a pic message came through. Patrick’s abs and V line, his fingers splayed across them. Andrew’s dick immediately hardened. “That’s a hot pic.”

  “It’s better in person.”

  “Don’t I know it. Your body is fucking amazing.”

  “I wish you were here touching it. Touching me.” Patrick’s breaths stumbled into the phone, ragged.

  “Sounds like someone is a little horny.”

  “Not a little. I’m so hard for you, Andrew.”

  A groan escaped Andrew’s lips, and he undid his pants and reached in to grab his own dick. “You’ve got my attention.”

  “Want you here. Want you naked next to me.”

  “And I want to be there naked next to you. Want to be touching you. Sucking you.”

  “Eating me.”

  “Oh yes. Definitely that. Do you like it when I eat that tight ass?

  “Fuck yes. It makes me wild.”

  Andrew stood up and stripped off. No way he wasn’t getting off with his man. Even if it was over the phone. “I’m naked now too. And so hard.”

  “Are you stroking it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wish I was. I wanna get you off.”

  “I like when you talk like that.”

  “Yah? You want me to tell you what I’d do to you.?”

  “Yes. Fuck yes.”

  “I want your dick in my mouth.”

  “You like sucking me?”

  “So much. Love your dick.”

  “Suck me.”

  “Tastes so good.”

  “I’m gonna lick you while you suck me. Lick your balls. Lick your hole.”

  “Please. Begging.”

  “Good. Beg for it.”

  “Please Andrew. Eat me.”

  “Your ass tastes so good. Wanna fuck it.”

  Andrew heard Patrick catch his breath, and he wondered if he’d gone too far, if Patrick was ready to explore that. “I’m running my finger over my hole,” he said. “Like it was your dick.”

  (He’s ready)

  “That’s so hot, Patrick. Wish I was there.”

  “Wish you were too. I’m so hard.”

  “I really do want to fuck you, you know.”

  “I know. I think I want you to try.”

  “Yah?”

  “Yah.”

  “Eat your ass first and get it ready.”

  “Yes!”

  “Then rub my dick over your hole.”

  “Yes please.”

  “Then slide it into you.”

  “Andrew, fuck, want you.”

  “Finger yourself. Right now. Pretend it’s me.”

  “I...ok.”

  Andrew pictured Patrick, lying there, his hand around his cock, getting his finger wet and sliding it into him. He could hear Patrick gasp.

  “Am I in you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “It’s weird. I’m not sure. Yes?”

  “So hot, Patrick.” Just the image of it had Andrew’s balls pulled tight. If it ever actually happened, he didn’t know how long he’d last.

  “So hard.”

  “Cum for me.”

  “So close.”

  “Me too. If you cum, I’ll cum.”

  Patrick’s moans through the phone pushed Andrew closer and closer as he stroked himself. Then with a “fuck”, Patrick grunted, and Andrew knew he was shooting. Jet after jet sprayed over him.

  “Did you?” Patrick asked.

  “Fuck. Yes.”

  “Good.”

  “Did you just call to get me off?”

  “Pretty much. You mind?”

  “Not even a little bit. Want the real thing again though.”

  “Me too.”

  “Soon.”

  “Definitely.”

  “It’s nice hearing your voice too.”

  “Miss me already? We just saw each other this afternoon.”

  “Always miss you,” Andrew said.

  “You could stay here tomorrow. After dinner.”

  “Yah?”

  “Yah.”

  “Even with Peter there?”

  “Just need to be quiet,” Patrick said, and Andrew could almost see his grin.

  “Don’t know if I can.”

  “Me neither. He’ll be at Christy’s soon though. Then...” Patrick trailed off but they both knew what he meant.

  “Yes. Then.”

  There was a brief pause. “What were you doing? When I called?”

  “Nothing really. Thinking.”

  “About me?”

  “Cocky.”

  “Wrong?”

  “No.”

  “So what exactly were you thinking about?”

  “How much I wished you’d call.”

  “To talk dirty to you?”

  “Just to hear your voice.”

  “Awww. You’re cute.”

  “Glad you think so.”

  “Well, of course. I’m an Andrewsexual.”

  Andrew laughed. “You’re a what? That’s not a thing.”

  “Hey, if people can be attracted to pans...”

  Andrew laughed again.”You’re so weird.”

  “Good weird though.”

  “The best weird.”

  “I’m telling Christy when she gets home. About us.”

  “Yah?”

  “Yah.”

  “Nervous?”

  “No. I should be, shouldn’t I? It’s a big deal, I guess. Coming out.”

  “As a
n Andrewsexual?”

  “See? It’s a thing.”

  “The best thing.”

  “Are you sleepy? Should I let you go to sleep?”

  “I don’t mind. We can talk.”

  “I like talking to you.”

  “That’s good,” Andrew said. “I’m a great person to talk to.”

  “Cocky.”

  “See? Now we’re even.”

  “Wish you were here.”

  “Yah?”

  “Yah.

  “Good,” Andrew said, with a self-satisfied grin.

  They talked for a while, that kind of conversation that rambles over any and every topic. Andrew really did hate talking on the phone, but he loved getting to know Patrick. How was it possible that even a month before, this man wasn’t part of his life? And how would it be if there came a day when this man wasn’t part of his life?

  That day wasn’t this day though, and at some point during the conversation, they both dozed off, phones falling to the empty pillows beside them.

  PATRICK

  Peter picked the menu, which meant it was all sorts of meatless fun. Patrick would overlook the amount of time Peter spent on the phone, would overlook the fact his eleven-year-old son had a girlfriend, would overlook the fact that that son pushed fashion into places a man like Patrick wasn’t comfortable with, if only he would eat meat again.

  Patrick simply loved meat, and as soon as he thought that, he flashed to Andrew’s face. Andrew would have made some lewd comment about that for sure. And Andrew wouldn’t have been wrong.

  That man made him so hot.

  More, Andrew got him. Like, he really understood who Patrick was, underneath. The same things mattered to them. They both had flaws, they both had pasts, but when they were together, things just clicked.

  This dinner wasn’t candlelight. With Peter there, it wasn’t about romance. It was still special though. Sure, they’d had lots of meals with Peter at this point, but this was the first one where Peter knew that Andrew was more than a friend. Andrew was part of their lives now, in a very real way, and one that seemed fairly permanent.

  He didn’t know how he’d gotten here, but it didn’t really matter. That Saturday afternoon when he’d first met Ann was so long ago, and was all pretty surreal. What did feel real was that first night in the backyard, beers and the fire and the way Andrew challenged Patrick to be a better father and a better man. Who knew then how different Patrick would end up becoming?