“Stop it, Ethan,” she says frantically. “We have our business, our life. We have a child!”
I shake my head. “You will be better off without me, trust me, Chloe.”
I wish it was the truth … that I could be her anchor of support like the other guys, but I’m not.
It’s time to get my shit and go.
I love her enough to know what she needs.
She needs more than a man who is scared shitless.
More than a fucked up kid who somehow managed to grow up. She deserves the goddamn world and I will always hold her back with my own baggage.
“But I love you, Ethan,” she says.
“I love you too. That’s why I am letting you go.”
She falls to her knees, and I know I’m hurting her so damn much. But I also know she will stand up again, be strong.
I saw her say her truth in the kitchen; she’s stronger than she gives herself credit for.
But me? I’ve been running on stolen time for a long ass time.
Chapter 53
CHLOE
He leaves me with nothing.
I’m alone, washed up on shore, and terrified.
I can’t lose Ethan.
Not now.
Not ever.
This relationship works because we are all in it. If one piece of this puzzle decides to leave, it messes up the entire balance.
Back in Jamaica and Tahiti, there were a lot more laughs, smiles. A lot more romance. Now there is a hell of a lot of fear coursing through all our veins.
To the point that Ethan pushed away.
Left.
Left me.
I pull myself to a spot in the sand, and rest my elbows on my knees, crying into my arms.
When I finally get myself together, I stand and wipe my eyes, not wanting to see anyone, but knowing right now, I really could use a shoulder to cry on.
I head for the coffee shop a block away and try to keep it together as best as I can. Yes, my eyes are red and I am sorta shaking, but I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go from here.
I order an iced herbal tea and am waiting in line when Harlow shows up.
I guess one look at me tells her all she needs to know. I guess I look worse than I thought.
“Chloe? Sweetie, are you okay?”
I bite my bottom lip, trying to formulate a sentence that sums any of my life up, but instead I just cover my face with my hands. When I look back up I see Harlow’s eyes widen, then her lips purse and she turns toward the barista. “Can I get a cold brew to go?”
He must know her because he tells her it’s on the house. A second later we have our drinks and she is dragging me out the door.
“Sorry for ... crying ...” I try to wipe my tears away, but I can’t. I love Ethan so damn much. “And I cancelled on you once, you must think I am a mess.”
And he just walked away.
He didn’t fight for me.
He just turned and left.
“Oh, shush. Do not apologize for tears or for rescheduling. Ever.” She tugs on my wrist and drags me back to the beach where Ethan just broke my heart. She plops down on the sand and pulls me to sit next to he. “To be honest that entire day on the boat ended up being super annoying. There was this guy here who would not get the hint. Don’t you hate that?” She smiles at me as if trying to lighten the mood, but I can’t pretend.
I swallow. “Kinda. But I don’t really date.”
“Oh, do you have a boyfriend? Is he why you’re crying?”
“Sorta.” I try to think through what Ethan said as he walked away. Could he really mean what he said after everything we’ve been through?
“Did he just break your heart? Oh, my God, I’ll kill him. I know people, just give me his number.”
I smile despite myself. This woman’s good vibes were contagious. Still, tears stream my face. I love Ethan so much. How could he do this?
“It’s complicated.”
“Spill,” Harlow says she sets her iced coffee cup in the sand and looks at me headlong. She’s in for the long haul.
“Do you have an open mind?” I ask.
She purses her lips. “Depends. I don’t care what people do so long as they aren’t jackasses. You know?”
I swallow. But if I was willing to tell Noah’s parents–– whose opinions really mattered, I might as well be honest with the snorkeling instructor I just met. “I’m in love with four men. And they are in love with me.”
She cocks her head to the side. “I need more than that, honey.”
So, I fill her in, about being found in Jamaica, about our whirlwind romance and traveling to Tahiti. About Mason’s injury and how our relationship was tested through the hard times.
And I end with Ethan just breaking up with me on this beach.
“But why?”
“Why what?” I ask.
“Why did Ethan end things after all you’ve been through?”
I bite my bottom lip. Closing my eyes, I reach deep inside for my courage. “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, fuck,” Harlow says, her eyes widening. “Wow, Chloe.”
“I know.”
“And he isn’t the father?”
Now it’s my turn to be confused. “I don’t know who the father is.”
“Then why did he leave?”
I pause, thinking about Ethan’s past, not wanting to reveal things about Ethan’s past that aren’t mine to share. “Ethan has experienced a lot of dark times in his life. And it’s made him ...”
“Scared?”
I press my hands to my temples. “Pretty much. He seems so sure that he’ll let me down. And he doesn’t want to disappoint me. But hedging his bets this way is worse. It’s like he doesn’t think we’re worth fighting for.”
As I say it, I realize just how pissed I am. Ethan left me when I needed him. That isn’t love. That is fear.
Harlow looks at me with her pale pink hair tucked behind her ears. “Can I say something without you being ... offended? I mean I know we just met.”
“Just say it,” I say, wiping my eyes not caring what she thinks of me anymore, knowing I’ve never had a girlfriend before and there’s no point in pretending to be someone I’m not, just to impress her now. She can either take it or leave it.
“Choosing love is terrifying enough when you have your shit together, Chloe. But when you’ve been hurt, over and over again, it’s not just terrifying. It’s like inviting heartbreak to bed, knowing that you’ll wake up all alone. There is no way it will end well if that is what he’s clinging to.”
I snort, wiping my tears away. “Well thanks for the pep talk, Harlow, God.”
She shakes her head, her eyes sparkling. “No, Chloe. You’re missing the point.”
“And what’s that?”
“You can look past his fear and see his heart. Choose to believe in his best intentions, Chloe.”
“He chose to walk away.”
“To protect you from his own shortcomings. But what if his shortcomings were also his assets? What if he saw what you see when you look at him.”
I think about that for a moment, the way that I truly see Ethan. I imagine the way his dark eyes drew me in the night we met, how they refused to let me go. How he held me in his arms, holding my hurt in his hands. He’s not the same as Enzo, Mason, or Noah–– but that doesn’t mean he isn’t just as valuable.
Just as loved.
“If he saw himself as I see him, he would be a cocky ass,” I tell Harlow. “I think he is absolutely wonderful. More than wonderful, he’s unique and strong and raw. He doesn’t pretend, he doesn’t play games. And I love who he is so damn much.”
“Does he know that?”
I think back to my conversations with him over the last few weeks. I shed lots of tears, revealed lots of insecurity. There were many moments where I relied on him to piece me back together.
But what if right now, what he needs is a lover who can carry him? Hold him up. Stand by his side.
“I need
to find him,” I tell Harlow.
She nods, then pulls me into a hug. “You can do this, Chloe. Fight for what you want.”
“Is that what you do?” I ask her. “Refuse to give up without a fight?”
She smiles softly before shaking her head. “Not exactly. But maybe I’ll get stronger, like you.”
I know life isn’t perfect for anyone, but I can see, even through a short, yet heartfelt conversation, that Harlow uses her outgoing personality to mask something deeper. Something she doesn’t want to be exposed.
She’s like every woman. Every girl... we just protect ourselves with different shells to hide what we are most scared of showing: our authentic selves.
But if I want my relationship with my men to be more than what it is right this moment, I have to fight for what I want. For the love I know I deserve.
“Thanks, Harlow, for listening.”
“It’s what friends are for.”
We stand, shaking the sand off our butts.
“I have to go find him,” I tell her. “But you should come to the competition here tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll have Ethan by my side.”
She nods. “I’ll be here. Everyone is talking about it.” I think she’s about to go, but she grabs my hand and squeezes it. “You’re gonna be a great mom, Chloe,” she tells me.
My throat goes dry. “Why do you think that?” I ask.
“Because you care. So damn much. Your baby is really lucky to have you. To have all of you.”
We part ways and I run back to the house, hoping I’m not too late.
Hoping she’s right. That love worth fighting for is mine for the taking.
Chapter 54
NOAH
“You can’t fucking leave, just like that,” I shout, arms raised, blood boiling. Who the fuck does Ethan think he is?
“It’s not a choice,” Ethan yells, having just returned from his walk with Chloe where he fucked things up, royally. “It’s for the best.”
The four of us are in the kitchen, and thankfully Noah’s parents left a few minutes ago to run a few errands because this fight is just getting started.
“And what if you’re the father?” Enzo asks. “What will you do then?”
“I don’t fucking know,” Ethan screams. “I just know you guys will do a hell of a lot better loving Chloe than I ever will. I’m a fucking mess. I have no idea what a father is. How to be one. I’ll screw this whole thing up.”
“Oh, fuck you, Ethan,” Mason scoffs. “You don’t get the corner on pain, okay?”
“Right, because your life has been so fucking hard,” Ethan throws back.
Mason’s eyes narrow. “Remember the time I fought a fucking shark to stay alive? I’d say that was a mother fucking low point, Ethan.”
“Enough,” I shout. “But if you fucking told Chloe you were through–– leaving––out on the beach, Ethan. If you blindsided her, I swear to God I’ll kill you.”
“Then here’s my last will and fucking testament,” Ethan tosses in my face. “We aren’t all as fucking perfect as you, Noah.”
I draw back, my oldest friend’s words slicing straight to my heart. “Bullshit,” I say. “I’m not perfect. You know that, Ethan.”
“It’s hard to see,” he says, “under all those layers of perfection.”
“Dammit,” I scream, moving in ready to fight. I back him against the wall, my voice louder than necessary but I don’t give a damn. “You aren’t the only one who is fucking scared. You can’t just leave when things are scary,” I tell him, pinning him to the wall. “I fucking love you, man, but you’re being an ass.”
“Oh yeah? Why don’t you break it down for me?” he asks, pushing at me to say more.
“I don’t want to be a father,” I tell him, letting him go. “I never asked for this.”
The words are finally out and I can breathe. But then I see Chloe, walking into the house, completely broken by what she just heard.
“You don’t want me either?” she asks me flatly, her face completely void of emotion.
“I want you,” I tell her, reaching for her, but she shoves me away. “I swear I do.”
“Neither of you wants me?” she asks, her eyes pools of fresh water tears. “You and Ethan both are out?”
I run a hand over my jaw. “I don’t know what I want,” I tell her. “Besides knowing I want you, I know nothing.”
“I’m kind of a package deal at the moment,” she laughs bitterly. “Goddammit, I’m pregnant, Noah. You need to know if you’re in this or not. Ethan already told me where he stands.”
Ethan steps toward her, and I want to pull him back, to save her from getting hurt anymore. Then I remember she is equally as pissed at me.
“Chloe,” I say my voice low, my heart heavy. “If I can’t be honest with you, then what is the point of any of this?” I clench my fists, feeling out of control. Wanting so badly for Chloe to wrap her arms around me and rein me in. I don’t want to be alone, but I also know I can’t hide how I feel in order to protect anyone. That isn’t living.
“You can be honest. It’s just...” She buries her face in her hands, crying. “Your honesty still hurts.”
I close my eyes, knowing that is the mother fucking truth. “I love you, Chloe. I love you so damn much.”
She shakes her head, her disappointment in Ethan and me palpable. “Just not enough to man up and be a father?”
Ethan steps toward her, reaching for her, but she raises her arms protectively. “I want to be with you, both of you.” She wipes her eyes, then covers her mouth, her lips trembling. “I want to love you and be loved by you but not if this baby is going to come between us.”
“Can we talk?” Ethan asks. “Please, let me try again. I’m out of my mind right now, and I want to make this right. I just … I don’t fucking know how.”
She shakes her head. “I’m tired, Ethan. After what you said on the beach, I figured you’d already be gone. I don’t want to chase you, but heaven knows I’m willing to fight for you. I love you, Noah, but being your girlfriend isn’t enough. I need partners who can commit to this child.”
She turns to Mason and Enzo. “I love you both too, with all that I am. And I am not going anywhere. But right now, I really need to rest. And you two,” she says, pointing to Ethan and me, “need to figure out what you really want. No one is asking you to have it all figured out but you can’t find out if you can do this if you don’t try. I don’t know how to be a mom, either, but I’m not running.”
She turns toward the stairs, leaving for her room, leaving the four of us to figure out our shit all on our own.
Chapter 55
CHLOE
Mason and Enzo are in my bed, the three of us fell deeply asleep after they made love to me after my nap. Mason’s cock filled my mouth, his come sliding down my throat, just the way I crave. Enzo’s cock filled my pussy, his thick shaft driving deep inside me, causing my cries of ecstasy to echo in the room. I knew Noah’s parents were here but after the day I had, I didn’t care who heard or what they thought. I only thought about myself.
Selfish, maybe. But I no longer have space to make sure everyone else is happy. Right now, in this moment, I am taking what is mine. I’ve never done that so fully in all my life.
It was time.
I rise from my bed, wrapping a satin robe around my shoulders and stepping onto the patio outside my room. The sky is dark and the moon is heavy. But soon the night will turn to dawn, and I want to watch the new day come. I need to be reminded that each morning there is a new start. Another chance.
I thought after the day I had, that I would be broken but I don’t feel broken. I want Noah and Ethan to choose me, choose this life but I don’t want to force anyone. And I know my happiness and fulfillment can’t depend on their love.
Whatever happens next, I know I love myself. I love the woman I have grown to be.
A year ago, I would never have believed I could be this strong, this sure. I would have been terrifie
d to take on motherhood without any guarantees, but I am no longer held back by that fear.
Harlow’s words earlier today helped to remind me of the strength that I have harnessed. If she saw it in me, then surely, I can see it in myself.
Ethan slides open the porch door and when I see his silhouette, I’m not in the least bit surprised. Of course, he is here, in the middle of the night. This is when he and I have all our best talks.
But this time it is different. He ended things with me today and I spent all day in bed because of it.
I want to yell at him, curse him, fight him, but then I see his eyes and I know he has beaten himself up enough for both of us.
His eyes fill with tears, his shoulders shake. “I’m so fucking sorry, Chloe,” he says. “Forgive me. Forgive me for being so fucking blind.”
I press my fingers to my lips, wanting to believe his apology.
“I know that I haven’t been there the way you need but I swear to you, Chloe, I will never walk away again.”
“Shhh,” I say, wrapping my arms around him.
Do I need to forgive him? No.
But I am choosing to believe Ethan’s best intentions.
“I was so fucking scared. So scared of failing you, Chloe. I thought leaving would be easier but I couldn’t walk away from this. From you. Our baby. This life.”
His voice cracks during his confession and I know that for better or worse, he is mine. My man, my lover, my mess, and my hero. He is part of a whole and without him, I can’t have the rest.
The package deal wasn’t just the baby and me.
It was this whole relationship, all five of us. I mean all six of us.
“Good,” I tell him, pulling back so I can look in his wounded eyes. Eyes that have seen more pain than one man should have seen in a lifetime. “But you know, I wasn’t going to let you break up with me.”
His chin quivers, a smirk trying to break through. “Dammit, Chloe. I love you.”
“I love you more, Ethan.”
“Even if I’m a fucking fool?”
Our Love Story: An MMFMM Romance Page 24
