by KL Donn
“Hey.” Ryder comes up behind me, kissing my neck as he places a hand on my hip, and for a single moment in time, I feel normal.
I feel like we’re your average couple saying good morning on a typical day.
“I have training the next couple of weeks. I’ll be gone before dawn but back in the evenings.” He sits next to me and pulls my phone out of his pocket. “I programmed mine and Theo’s numbers in here. If you need me for anything, you call. If I don’t answer, you call Theo.” I only nod. I won’t call either of them, but I don’t want to argue. “I mean it, dove.”
“I know,” I whisper, taking the phone from him.
“I’ll check in around lunch, see how you’re doing.” That normal feeling is gone again. Carried away with any sense of comfort I was once feeling.
I’m damaged goods, and he’s forced to treat me that way.
I don’t want him to, but circumstances what they are, he has no choice. I’m in a hell of my own making and helpless to change any of it.
“Okay.” I put my head down, silently making a list of things I can do today to keep busy and not worry about if he’s going to come back. “You don’t have to, you know.”
“Have to what?” His voice is skeptical. Likely suspecting what I mean.
“Call me. Come back. Anything.” He deserves an out.
Without saying a word, he stands, moves over to me, lifts my chin and lays a light kiss on my lips. All too quickly it’s over, and he’s walking to the front door. The deadbolts turn, and I count in my head. “Come lock this, and I’ll talk to you at lunch.”
I have no choice but to do it. Secretly, I’m elated he wants to still call me. I’m glad he’s not easily scared. “One, two, three.” I turn the bolts. Taking a deep breath, I try not to worry about being alone for the first time in two days, but it’s hard.
Routine.
My therapist, Amy, says routine is key to breaking habits.
Until I feel secure, I’ll close the curtains around the house then set a timer on my phone to open them for a few minutes at a time. Maybe I can get some work done. My inbox is filled with requests that need to be filled or customers won’t get their orders.
Switching a lamp on, I carry my coffee to the computer and log in, quietly humming at my desk. It’s not long before I’m immersed in my work and startled out of my concentration when my phone beeps with the timer.
Gazing at the window in the den with dread, I wonder if maybe I can just leave it for a little longer.
One step forward, three steps back. If you keep moving at this pace, Codie, you’ll be trapped forever. Amy’s voice plays in my mind, and I know I have to do it. I have to move past the fears and remember the glass is tinted; no one can see me.
You have to start somewhere.
Standing from my chair, I slowly take one step forward, then another, and another, and soon, I’m in front of the window, the edge of the curtains in each hand. Pushing one back, then the other, the sun blinds me as my darkened room grows in vibrancy.
A car drives by, two women jog down the street—one with a stroller in front of her. A door slams shut, and a dog barks. Life surrounds me, and I’m stuck inside a home I once loved, trying to fight my way free.
Hunger pains hit my stomach, and I gaze at the clock on the wall to see it’s nearing lunchtime already. Ignoring the itch I have to close myself off from the outside world, I walk to my kitchen, pull the chain for the blinds over the sink, and make myself some soup.
Being open like this, letting the world into my home, is nerve-wracking, but the more I busy myself, the easier it is to forget. Shadows flicker in the light, and I jump at each and every single one of them, but I refuse to close the curtains. I can’t close them. I need to start taking more steps forward and less back. Which means pushing myself out of my comfort zone for as long as I can stand it.
As I’m about to sit down at my desk and work while I eat, a man slowly walks up to my house with a large box in his hands. Looking down at my calendar, I see I’m not scheduled for any deliveries until Friday—four days from now—so I pause and wait. There’s a small bench on the porch in front of the window as he searches around him. He places the box down on it without trying to ring the doorbell.
Suspicions rise. I don’t move as he leans forward to look inside my home. “He can’t see you,” I whisper to myself, completely frozen where I’m standing. Pulling away, I hold my breath as he walks over to the door. The only thing there is, is a peephole, and he certainly can’t see in through there, but the door handle jiggles, and that’s when I know he’s not here to deliver anything.
Placing the soup bowl down, I rush to the kitchen to double check that the back door is locked and close the curtain over the sink. I knew this was a bad idea. I never should have tried to break out of my comfort zone. “Stop it,” I hiss at my own critical self. I have to stay rational. I have to keep my head right and not allow the panic to overcome me.
“Think, Codie, think,” I murmur as I grab a knife from the butcher block. I can still see the front door from the kitchen and the window. I’m anxious to find out what he does next, terrified to rush over to my phone and call for help, but I have to do something.
Slowly easing my way to my phone, an idea strikes. I can record him. I’m too afraid to get close to the window, but there’s enough light that his shadow will be seen. Unlocking my phone, I turn the ringer to silent, knowing Ryder said he was going to call soon and click the camera’s record button as the stranger comes to stand in front of the window again.
I get as close as I dare, but I can’t make out his features from the shadows surrounding him as he watches me watch him. Only he shouldn’t be able to see me.
“Oh god,” I mumble as he tilts his head to the side, almost as though he knows I’m standing here. Maybe he does. When he turns to leave, I feel my entire body sag in relief, only to see him walk around the side of my house. “Shit.”
The doors are locked. The windows are locked. Everything’s tight. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I’m safe.
The handle on the back door jiggles, and I bite my lip to keep the scream of fright at bay. This is unchartered territory for me, and I have no idea what to do. With the camera still recording, I see Ryder’s name pop up on the screen as he calls.
Hitting the stop button, I answer the call with a whispered, “Hello?”
“Why are you whispering?” He’s out of breath, and I can hear music pumping in the background.
“Ummm.” It’s not his job to worry about me.
“Codie, what’s going on?” He’s more alert now.
I don’t know if I should tell him or not.
“Well, it’s, uhh…”
“Out with it!” he demands.
“I think someone’s trying to break in,” I rush out, having lost track of the potential intruder. I hear a lock click on the front door. “One…” I begin to count out of habit until I realize what’s actually happening. “Ryder, he’s coming in.”
“Upstairs, now. Spare room, in the closet, hide down low. Don’t fucking hang up on me either, Codie.” I do as he tells me without thought. “Theo!” I hear him yell.
Mumbling can be heard in the background, and I assume someone’s answering him or asking what’s wrong.
“Trip the alarm at Codie’s. Someone has a fucking set of keys to her door.” His voice is full of rage. “I’m coming, Codie.” I barely hear him as an alarm blasts through the house, nearly making me deaf with its high-pitched sound. “Don’t move from that spot!” I hear Ryder yell again.
I don’t bother to answer because I know he won’t hear me. My fear keeps my curiosity in check about finding out if the alarm has scared off the intruder or not. I can still hear noise on the other end of the phone. Ryder likely barking out more orders.
The longer I sit here, though, the more terrified I become. My anxiety builds up until I’m having a full-on panic attack, and I can’t concentrate on
calming myself down because the noise of the alarm blinds me from thought.
Dropping the phone, I slap my hands over my ears and begin counting. “One, two, three.” I picture the first time I opened the door, the locks disengaging. “One, two, three.” I remember the first time I saw Ryder. “One, two, three.” How high they counted when I pushed a lifeless form from my body.
One, two, three seconds was all it took for my world to end.
Ryder
* * *
I’m at the facility before any of the other guys today. After a rough night with Codie, mostly, and my own demons trying to make themselves known, I was up early. Her doubts creeping in, I began to worry about the both of us. Whether either of us could ever fully recover from our traumatic pasts.
Then I wondered if we didn’t have to recover so much as we simply needed to move forward. It’s something a lot of people have told me in the past couple of years. I don’t have to forget what happened, but I have to make peace with the person it transformed me into.
Easier said than done.
I don’t know all the details of what happened to Codie’s son Lucas, but I know her guilt is real. Her agony is gut-wrenching. Watching as she struggles to go about her daily life is painful. I’ve never met anyone so devastated as she.
“Hey, man.” Weston claps me on the back as he walks in the locker room. “How’d things go yesterday? Heard she’s a little rough.” Fucking men, they gossip more than any woman I’ve ever known.
“She’s…” I don’t even know how to finish.
“Yeah,” he mutters, like he understands. For all I know, he does. “You ready to hit the mats? Go a round or two before everyone else shows up?”
“Sure, man.” After getting in the ring a few times with Hayes’ man, Levi, my teammates might need a refresher. Levi has a wicked right hook that can, and has, knocked larger men than me down.
“Levi teach you anything new?” Weston and Theo bore witness to a few times the man had taken me to the mat with a grin on his face.
“How not to eat the ropes,” I joke as we step onto the mat.
“Always a good thing. Rope burn sucks.” Weston laughs.
Taping our hands up, it isn’t long before we’re dancing around each other, working out our separate frustrations as we bounce back and forth. Me taking Weston down, him sweeping my feet out beneath me. On and on it goes until we’re out of breath and notice the rest of our team on the sidelines watching us with interest.
“You two have a beef or something?” Nix points between us.
We share a look before shaking our heads. “Just waiting on you guys.” Weston shrugs as he hops to his feet.
“Had some time to kill,” I answer laying on my back before looking at my watch. Almost ten a.m. “Shit.”
“You see why I ask now?” Nix grumbles. “You two were going at it pretty hard for a couple hours. How didn’t you notice?” I shrug as I stand. “Get a drink, grab your guns, we’ll meet you on the range.”
Theo and Foster share a look before they follow after Nix. They know my problem. I gaze over at Weston and wonder what his is.
“You okay, man?” I ask him. They’ve all been here for me when I’ve needed it most, it’s the least I can do.
“Cute neighbor. All kinds of baggage,” he tells me. “I should leave her alone, right?” I’m not really one who can offer any decent advice here, given the woman who’s always on my mind. “I should,” he reassures himself and nods like he’s got it figured out already.
“Let’s go shoot some shit.” I grin at Wes, knowing full-well neither of us is in the right headspace to get excited about something we both love.
“Yeah, shoot some shit.”
Walking into the armory, I grab my Glock and some ammo and head to the range inside. Seeing Nix, Theo, and Foster sending numbered targets out—we have to hit whatever number on the body Nix calls out—we’re playing operation today. We miss our shot, and we’re on weapons cleanup. Something none of us really enjoy doing.
“Theo, you’re five. Foster, you’re eight. Ryder, you’re one, and Weston, you’re four. Armed!” Nix calls. “Three, two, one, go!” Four shots ring out. Each of us hitting our marks with exact precision. “Nicely done,” he commends, sounding disappointed we didn’t miss.
“Come on, commander, make it easy, will ya?” Theo challenges him.
Nix smirks before answering. “Theo, armed!” He gets ready. “Eleven, three, sixteen, twenty-one. Go!” We all watch as Theo makes every shot without hesitation. None of us spend anywhere near the amount of time on the range as Theo does, so seeing him nail it isn’t shocking.
“Easy.” Theo grins, pleased with himself.
“Ryder, armed!” Letting out a deep breath, I wait for my command. “Five, seven, fourteen, twenty-five, thirty, go!”
Bang-hit.
Bang-hit.
Bang-hit.
Bang-hit.
Bang-hit.
“Shit,” Foster murmurs as the smoke clears and the sound dies. “The kid’s gotten better.” I don’t say anything as I remove my clip and enter another.
“Indeed,” I hear Nix say. To many others, he might sound indifferent, but I hear the pride in his voice. If not for him, I wouldn’t be as good as I am now. After I was healed enough to start moving around, the first thing I did was make my way onto the range. Nix was there every step of the way. “Weston, armed!” Nix calls, putting him and Foster through their paces.
We spend all morning and just past lunch on the range, conquering different patterns as Nix tests our reflexes. So far, no one is cleaning the weapons by themselves.
“Get some lunch. We’ll pick up in an hour.”
A phone call to Codie is all that’s on my mind. When she finally answers, and I hear panic in her tone, I know something’s wrong. “Trip the alarm at Codie’s,” I tell Theo as I start running for my truck. “Don’t move from that spot!” I yell at her as Theo, Foster, and I jump in my truck. Weston and Nix follow behind.
“How the fuck does someone have keys to her house?” Foster asks, and I regret not changing them when we did her windows. “I’m calling a buddy of mine to come change those. Theo, see if you can pull up the cameras outside,” he instructs while I break every speeding law posted on the way home.
I can see flashing lights as we pull up to the house, neighbors are standing outside, and three police cars are parked haphazardly in the driveway.
“Fuck,” Theo mutters in the back. Barely jamming the truck in park, I hop out and run up to Codie’s house. The door is wide open, the locks aren’t broken, so the alarm scared the intruder off.
“Sir, you can’t go in there!”
“Sir, it isn’t secure!”
“Sir!”
Three cops yell as I rush past them and up the stairs to where Codie had better be fucking hiding or someone will pay dearly. “Dove?” I call softly as Theo shuts the alarm off. Entering the spare room, I see nothing amiss. The closet doors are closed, and I take a deep breath as I pull them open.
The sight before cracks my chest wide open. Codie is curled up in the corner, shaking so bad, she’s cut her legs up from the knife in her hand. When I grip her wrist, she screams so loud I hear at least a dozen feet come running up the stairs.
“Codie.” I sigh in relief and fear. Gently, I take the knife from her hand as she waves it around, so neither of us gets hurt. The police come barging through the door, and she screams again. “Get out!” I turn a deadly glare on the six men standing there as Theo pops his head in, alarm written all over his face as he sees the blood covering her.
“Damn, girl,” he mumbles, pushing the police out of the room. Nix follows him, and sympathy enters his gaze.
“Pull her out, Tac.”
Putting a hand behind her back and another under her legs, I lift Codie easily into my embrace as I carry her over to the bed. “Open your eyes, Codie,” I whisper. As she does, I see they’re unfocused, and her pupils are the size of sa
ucers.
“Nervous thing like her has gotta have some Ativan around here,” Nix comments and walks off.
“I’m here.” I try to soothe her. “You’re safe.” She’s nearly catatonic.
“Paramedics are on the way.” Theo pops his head. “So is the district captain.” Fucking great.
“Deal with them for me.”
“You got it, man.”
“Anything on the surveillance?”
“Yup.” He grins.
“A face?”
“No.” Fuck. “But he didn’t wear gloves either.” Triumph in his voice. “Weston’s working on getting prints now.”
“Thanks, man.”
“You know we’d never leave you on your own, right?”
I look up to my best friend, the man I rely on more than any other on the bad days. “I know.” I obviously don’t say it enough. “She was moving forward, you know? She was fighting to get past this. Now, she’s ten steps back.”
“She’ll get there. You’ll be there for her; we’ll be here to help.” I nod. I never had a doubt. We’re family.
But Codie? Codie has no one, and I need her to understand how much that has changed.
Codie
* * *
Darkness surrounds me. Noise deafens me. Dread fills me.
Agony assaults my body as I wait to come back from wherever my mind has taken me this time. Protecting me from whatever harm was on its way to destroy me. I feel the menacing presence surrounding me as if it were still here.
But it can’t be.
Ryder is here.
Nothing bad happens when he’s around.
He protects me.
Even though he shouldn’t. He should run fast and as far away from me as he possibly can before I suck him into the tornado that is my life.
He won’t go though, because he’s honorable. He’s the type of man I wished I’d fallen in love with. Gave my heart and body to. He would have been there through hell with me.
Ryder Morrison does not need my kind of monsters.
