“Be serious for a minute,” he said. “When we were both freelancing, Riley was in charge, period. She broke all ties, settled all arguments, and made the final decisions. She also took the blame if things went horribly wrong. She’s handed me a lot of those responsibilities.”
It was beginning to feel easier to pull back from him.
“So, this is your I’m the boss speech? We’re right back where we were this afternoon, sort of suckling at the teat of redundancy.”
The words weren’t said with any affection or respect. Boss could be a dirty word in the theatre, where they worked hard to be anything but the traditional workplace.
“Look, Riley wants a tighter ship after that Howie mess,” he said. “Sleeping with your teenage crew member is something that could get the place shut down before the lack of funding does. What donors are going to pour money into an organization employing sleaze bags that hit on little girls? If we’re going to save this place from the arts chopping block, we need more than money. What we need is a strong team in place. I’m that first new rung on the ladder. She can’t monitor everything and every person. I have to set the tone if she’s going to trust me to actually captain the ship.”
“I get that. Howie was a pig; talented, but disgusting. You are not Howie, so she has nothing to worry about. You’ll do what’s right, and let’s face it; I’m well beyond my teen years. Besides, we’ve been extremely discreet, when necessary.”
Her waggling eyebrows elicited the slightest smirk from him. She was glad, because Harper was really only concerned about how what he was saying was going to affect her.
“Suddenly, my scope is bigger than making sure the set doesn’t come crashing down and making sure the crew shows up on time. Without a proper production manager in place, it falls to me. It’s different because, at work, there are a lot of people to consider and compromise with when it comes to just about every decision. I bend a lot more than I want to sometimes. Sometimes, I even bend more than I should. But at the theatre, keeping the peace and keeping the doors open is more important than being right.”
What the hell was this entire preamble about? Harper wasn’t in disagreement about anything he was saying, but whatever point was being made was starting to get lost on her.
“Not seeing how any of this should be an issue between us,” she said.
Harper was completely pressed up against the arm of the couch. Her semi-relaxed position began to slowly stiffen into a defensive posture. Even Lucas noticed the change. He had to plow through to his ultimate goal before she shut down and refused to listen at all.
“It doesn’t have to be— It shouldn’t be, if you could just be more mindful of doing things by the book. I’m not completely inflexible.” That earned him a double raised brow from her. “Work is work, but us is very different. I don’t want daily battles with you.”
“We haven’t just met, and I’ve never been a yes-woman in my life, Lucas. I can’t imagine my starting now.”
“No, of course not. I’m really not an ass. I value your brain and your opinion, but when it comes to the final decision, I will make the call. Period. No running to Riley to go around me.”
“And when there’s no Riley to break the tie? When we’re away from the theatre? What are you saying, Lucas?”
She had finally said the thing to render him silent. If he wouldn’t make a commitment to her, unless he made the final decisions, Harper didn’t know where to go next. He must have snuck off and had a drink or slammed his head when she wasn’t looking. Clearly, something was the matter, for him to think she’d find that statement at all acceptable when in fact she found it woefully unacceptable.
“Lucas, I’m just as used to being in charge as you are, so what makes you think that you having the final say would work for me? You won’t even commit to us having a proper date, but you want me to commit to that?”
“I know what you want me to say, Harper, but I can’t, not yet.” The disbelieving look she leveled on him made him think he needed to explain fast, before even the memory of a soul-stirring kiss couldn’t save him. “There is no such thing as a complete balance of power, or everything becomes a battle. Someone has to have the final say. It’s just that now it isn’t Riley; it’s me.”
“I think you mean a hell of a lot more than you’re saying, but okay, fair enough. So you’d be equally okay with things if I was that someone?”
They both knew how theatres were run and which positions oversaw others. Riley had been after Harper for longer than she could remember to consider the production management job. Harper and Lucas both knew it and what it would mean. In the chain of command, he would definitely be her subordinate.
“Harper.” Her name was laced up in exasperation. He didn’t know if she was playing devil’s advocate or if she was being purposefully contentious. His tone was not a deterrent to her continuing, though.
“So that’s your final decision, huh? At work and, hypothetically, if we were together, you’d have to be in charge. You’d have to have the final say?”
“It works, Harper.”
“You certainly haven’t proven that, because you haven’t had a steady relationship since I’ve known you, Lucas. You wouldn’t even consider one with me, and if memory serves me correctly, and it does, we make everything else work just fine.”
It was the piercing truth; the look she held him with challenged him to refute even a single word. She was right, and he knew it, but there was still a lot of sting in the words coming from her mouth. He got up and went back into the kitchen. How could she know that the last woman he had this talk with ended up walking out and calling him a controlling pig? This was only the third time he’d even attempted it, and he’d sandwiched this effort in work issues. The first time was in college, and he hardly knew what it all meant, but Jolene had grown up in the same type of family he had, so they grew into the dynamic together. The idea of a head of household didn’t offend her on principle, and discipline was something she not only had experience with, but on some level, she craved it. Because they were younger, they grew together and created the relationship dynamic that worked for them. And, it did work. It killed him that she wanted to go to New York to pursue her Broadway dreams. It was a decision they both struggled with, but in the end, Lucas knew the right thing to do. He didn’t have the heart to ask her to stay, so he had let her go without so much as a disagreement. They kept in touch briefly until she went on her first national tour. It became clear they would not be finding their way back to one another.
“Sorry, but I am stating a fact,” she said. “We’ve done eight-week show runs without you so much as bringing one girl to see a single performance, besides your sister.”
Harper knew she was pounding the petty behavior hard, but she needed him to see that forcing the issue was going to stop them before they even started. It hadn’t worked in the past, and it wasn’t going to work then.
“Yes, a technical fact, but you don’t have all of the information,” he said.
Harper straightened her posture and looked into the kitchen, where he was standing, not engaged in any particular activity other than creating distance. There was a lot not being said, and she wanted it all. She wanted all of him, because he was asking a hell of a lot of her.
“Nope, not giving it to you tonight, either,” he continued. “Just know I’m hoping you’re willing to give this a try. A real one, Harper. I want to give this a shot with you.”
Damn him. He shouldn’t be allowed to be so gorgeous, so rational, and so puppy-eyed all at the same time. Perfect light brown orbs were set in the most handsome sun kissed brown skin. His five o’clock shadow made him even more imposing than his typically tightly trimmed goatee. Not being a hundred percent sure what everything he said really meant, Harper did know that she didn’t want it to end before it began. Trying a different approach, she softened her voice.
“Lucas, we have a blast when we’re together, but that time has always been on a come-and-go
basis. It’s worked well, but what happens when the show closes? I’ll be gone again. Who knows for how long?”
“We would have to trust the us, which we create. Besides, you’re not even in another town. We live fifteen minutes from each other.”
“You’ve never believed you could trust that before. We’ve mastered our hit-it-and-quit-it process. Any time I brought it up, you were the one who shot it down almost immediately. A relationship is exactly what you want and these, I don’t know what, additional terms—I have a feeling there’s still a lot you’re not saying.” Harper wanted it all, and she knew he was holding back.
“This might be all the elephant in the room talk we can handle for one night.”
All she could do was stare at him. This was his to tell and at his own pace. Harper was willing to keep the door open, even though she was in knots over what might happen when they crossed through it.
“Yeah, probably, but I bet wine would make it go down easier,” she said.
“No, ma’am. No drinking for this conversation.”
“Party pooper.”
He came back to sit next to her. “Harper, my parents have lived this lifestyle their entire relationship. It’s what I know, and if you think about it, your mom and stepdad are probably doing the same thing or something very similar. I was not going to ask my mom any specific questions. I had to research the details, but once I did, I started noticing and remembering things, and they made sense in context.”
“This lifestyle? What does that mean? No flower language to break it to me gently, either, Lucas. Cold, hard facts. Because I can tell you right now, I don’t want any relationship like my mom and Cliff. I moved out to get away from all of his rules.”
“There’s a label, but it really isn’t more complicated than what I’ve said. Not really.”
“What you’ve said is that at work you get final say. Is that what us being together would be like, too?”
“Well, yes, but without the tone you’re putting on it—”
“Let me guess. The little woman rolls over and plays the doormat. Uh, no! Hard pass!”
“Are you going to let me finish? When you look it up, and I know you will, little miss research, you’re going to see the term domestic discipline a lot.”
He looked at her to see if she was going to hit him with a barrage of questions or just hit him, period.
“I’m letting you finish,” she said with a smirk and crossing her arms.
“Harper, think about it. We tend to agree about ninety percent of the time, anyway. You never attack or undermine me, even when we disagree. You never turn small decisions into total wages of war simply to get a rise out of me. Well, you didn’t use to. We trust each other and, more importantly, I know you trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you. It would give me nothing but great joy and pride to make all things in your life as easy as possible. Being a head of household isn’t about being a controlling jerk. It’s about taking responsibility for the wellbeing of your partner and your family. I was raised not to take something like that lightly. The ultimate power is yours, though, Harper. It’s about trust and consent. Nothing happens that we don’t agree on.”
Watching him, Harper knew, from his own silence, that she needed to say something or at least make a dramatic exit. Okay, so the exit strategy wouldn’t really work, since they’d end up in the same place the next day. Lately, he was like a dog with a bone where she was concerned, and if he wanted this conversation, he would have it, and she would be explaining what the hell she had been thinking, taking off again. Since her last disappearing act had ended up there, she thought better of leaving.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed. I don’t know if I could ever agree to that. Lucas, I’ve trusted you from the moment we met. You never gave me a reason not to. You’ve always looked after me. You pack all my favorite snacks during tech week. You make sure I take breaks, and you buffer for me with Riley when she goes all tech week crazy. When we’re together, I don’t worry. You do what you do, and you seem to trust me to do what I do. What would change? Besides incorporating a few more fun naked things, maybe in bed sometimes.”
Harper tried wiggling her eyebrows but wasn’t sure if it made her look playful or crazy, or if his laughter was because she was successful or not. Having felt him, up close and personal, the few fun changes were something she could really look forward to. All she had to do was get him to stop jawing on and on about the long term and focus on the immediate. She wanted to tell him to stop being such a girl! Instead, she just held his gaze. He had the most amazing eyes that could feel piercing in one look and deeply soothing in another.
Across from her, Lucas was rapidly regretting the conversation. No rules, just feelings. Hell, she hadn’t called him any more names, and she hadn’t run screaming into the night. Hopefully, it meant something was there. Screw eye contact; maybe body contact was the way to go.
“Come here,” he said, pulling her to his side.
She curled her legs up and rested her head on his shoulder. Harper needed to be that close. She didn’t want to fight. In his arms, she didn’t feel the need to sweat the details. Frankly, her sister and the nuns who helped raise her in school offered the structure she secretly craved and her mother attempted to instill. Her artistic, freethinking father saw so much of himself in his youngest, though, that he believed it was best to let her make her own choices, when putting his foot down would’ve better served her. She could admit that to herself, at least. After her father’s death, though, and her mother’s too quick remarriage, even the most basic good judgment rules set her off. Everyone had started to agree that she was obstinate for sport. Sometimes she knew she was being contrary, but she simply couldn’t or wouldn’t stop herself.
“What are you thinking?” Lucas asked, rubbing his hand up and down her arm in soothing fashion and kissing the top of her head.
“I think I want you to finish. You know; just get it all out, but I’m also thinking that being this close to you makes me want to get this conversation over with so we can give that bed of yours a test run.”
“Behave. I like having you in my arms. That's not really news to you, either. Where was I?”
“You were about to tell me what would change. I think this is the part that involves what you said to me the other night.”
“Harper, every relationship has rules. You spent all those years in Catholic schools run by nuns, so I know you’re no stranger to rules. These would be ones we explicitly agreed to, though, things that could impact our relationship or your safety. You know, like swinging off the racks for props or running through the shop with open-toe shoes.”
“Society has enough rules for me to follow, Lucas. I don’t really feel like adding to the list. Plus, where was all your concern for safety when we were having sex in the catwalk or on the shop table? I left the nuns and my mom’s house years ago, and as long as I don’t break the law, I’m good. I know. Let you finish. So, this is where that final say thing comes in, huh?”
“Taking off the way you did last night wasn’t breaking the law, but it would fall under breaking a rule. It was downright rude, and you did it specifically to either piss me off or worry me. And I’m going to assume I don’t need to remind you of your antics with Maddy. Harper, we do have fun, especially of the naked variety, but you downright scare me when you get that rules be damned look in your eyes.”
“Lucas.” Harper dragged his name through her mouth. Somehow, he could encourage that sweet, subdued tone from her. She could transition into it when she wanted her way and looked up to try to catch his eye, but he cut off whatever lame excuse she was about to offer up.
“That sweet, little-girl voice isn’t going to change a fact we both know to be true. Respect our history enough to admit that much. If we agreed on a rule, and you broke it for any reason, I might decide you need a consequence for that rule breaking. We could discuss it, and I would always listen, but I would make the ultimate decision.”
“The decision to, what, punish me?”
The tension was creeping into her body. Lucas could feel it.
“Yes, Harper.”
“You’d spank me. The way the nuns did? Because they were the only ones who did, I mean beyond the occasional pop on the bottom when I was deliberately sassy at home. My dad didn’t like it when I made my mother or sister cry. He used to say I had a mean tongue when I didn’t get my way.”
“It hard for me to disagree with that statement. I’m betting it would be vastly different from the nuns and certainly more than a pop, but, for argument's sake, yes. Consequences could take other forms, too.”
“Lucas, this really is a lot to process. It’s getting late. I think I should go.”
Harper lurched forward a little more aggressively than was necessary. She didn’t want him holding on, and she no longer wanted the comfort his arms offered. It truly was too much to process. Proximity would do nothing but cloud her judgment.
“Too much too soon, I guess.”
His voice was quiet, soft, and sad. Conveying his disappointment, even though he didn’t want to pressure her, Lucas wished she had taken to even the idea a little easier. He kissed her on top of the head in a very chaste manner, entirely different from what they’d shared up to that point, and different than what she’d been hoping for and thinking about throughout the night.
“You were honest,” she said. “I can’t be upset about that. I’m really not upset about anything, but it doesn’t mean I don’t need to do some thinking. You didn’t know my dad or my mom, before Cliff, but this is so far outside the box I grew up in I can’t even tell you. I can’t imagine my dad approaching my mom with something like this. Yet she and Cliff have an entirely different dynamic. I just can’t make sense of it all right now.”
“Sometimes we’re like our parents, and sometimes we’re not. Different isn’t always bad. Will you think about it, at least?”
Sharing Backstage Page 6
