My backward glance gave away my companions to the orc.
“Oh, friends of yours? …All females? I’ll pretend I didn’t see them. As for you… Let’s see. Three days. Spend three days at our village, won’t you? Tee-hee-hee! It’ll be like having your own little harem. We’ll give you a taste of heaven on earth. Although to be fair, most of the men we catch end up tasting heaven in the afterlife, too!”
Looking at the leering orc, I felt an instinctive terror and chanted my magic.
“Wind Breath!”
“Grah?!”
The wind magic carried my handful of dust straight into the orc’s eyes. Blinded, she howled and bent over double. I rushed up and reached out—not with my dagger but with my bare hand, grabbing the orc.
5
I used Drain Touch to absorb the orc’s HP to within an inch of her life but didn’t kill her. Seeing how I’d been up all night, it was the perfect time for a little vitality boost. The orc had said something about a village, though. I was afraid that if I finished her off, her friends might come looking for me. So I left her alive. But after a few minutes of walking along, I sensed something behind me. I turned around to see Aqua and the others rushing up toward me.
“…What’s the deal? If you get this close to me, then I’m not going ahead anymore, am I? Keep back a little!”
“What are you talking about, Kazuma?! You felled an orc! And this whole field is their territory! They’re going to be after you until you can escape!” Megumin said, agitated.
…Doesn’t she get it yet?
“If they’re after me, that’s a good thing. Remember how I took off all my armor and weapons? It was so I could play the bait. I don’t want to see orcs capture you guys and, you know…do all that awful stuff orcs do to their captives.”
Orcs were renowned for their sexual appetites. If my party members fell into their hands…well, I didn’t even want to think about it.
“Now I remember,” Aqua said. “You don’t know the first thing about this world, do you, Kazuma? I’d almost forgotten what a pathetically uninformed moron you are. Well, looks like it’s up to me to fill you iiirrggh!”
I grabbed Aqua’s cheek before her tone could get any higher or mightier and looked to Megumin to clue me in.
“…Kazuma, listen carefully. There are no male orcs in this world.”
“Say what?!” That wasn’t me. That was Darkness, who apparently found this to be a tragedy.
“All the male orcs went extinct ages ago,” Megumin went on. “Male infants are born from time to time, but they die of physical exhaustion at the hands of the females long before they reach adulthood. So there are no pure-blooded orcs left—they’ve crossbred with every species they can get their hands on, taking the best genes from each. You can hardly call them orcs anymore. Anytime a male—of any species—wanders into their territory, they drag him back to their village and do the most unspeakable things to him. They are men’s natural enemies! …And, Kazuma, you…” She seemed to have trouble getting out the last part of her explanation.
“W-wait just a second, orcs are supposed to be the natural enemies of female knights!” our Crusader piped up. “What happened to those lustful orc men who go after women…?!”
“All gone.” Then Megumin resumed her previous thought. “Kazuma, you brought down an orc female. The orcs want the best men with the strongest genes. You succeeded in stopping one of them, which will only prove to them that they can’t afford to let you go… Look. Just like that.” Ignoring the stricken Darkness, Megumin pointed into the distance.
A crowd of orc females was lined up together, with the one whose HP I had drained at the very front. I knew Megumin said orcs had the best genes from every creature, but surely she couldn’t have recovered so quickly?
Not all the orcs had pig ears. Some of them had cat ears or dog ears, manifest proof of the orcs’ interbreeding.
“You really are a catch!” cried the one I had KO’d. “To knock me senseless! I’m in love now! …And I’m keeping you! I hope you’ll come quietly—I’m going to have your babies for sure!”
Now, that made my hair stand on end. And no sooner had she spoken than the whole horde of them charged at me!
“Huh?! Hey! Wait just a— Eeeyaaaaaahhh!”
Give me a break! Fine… I have to do them in before they do me!
Without another moment of hesitation, I thrust with my dagger, but the orcs, with all their excellent genes, dodged it without breaking a sweat…!
“Wonderful! This won’t take a moment. Just lie still and close your eyes…!”
They easily knocked the dagger from my hands and shoved me to the ground.
I was a fool. I was a fool to think orcs couldn’t be as powerful as everything else around here!
“Help meeee! Megumin, do the usual! Take them all out at once!”
“If I use Explosion while we’re standing this close, it will catch us as well! Darkness! Stop moping already and do something to help Kazuma…!”
“We can talk!” I exclaimed desperately as an orc reached out for me. “Let’s talk!”
“Pillow talk? Happily! Well, spill it. Tell me about all your embarrassing habits! Pant! Pant! Pant! Pant!”
Breathing heavily, the orc tore at my jacket.
Drain Touch!
I just needed to use my skill to render the creature powerless. I reached out from under where the orc had straddled me, but she merely batted my hand aside and seized my wrist. For good measure, she gave my palm a wet lick. As if my hair wasn’t standing up already.
Seriously, God! What do I have to do for you to forgive me?!
In a voice nearing a scream, I made a last-ditch appeal…!
“W-wait a second! Stooop! Your name! I don’t even know your name or how old you are! This might be my first time, and if I’m going to lose my virginity to you, I think—I think we should at least be introduced! My name is Kazuma Satou!”
“I’m Swatinaze, just turned sweet sixteen! Now I’ll get introduced—to your whole body! Let me meet your little man!”
“He’s very shy! In fact, I think we’ve learned plenty about each other for today! So let’s just stop n— Aaaahhh! Aqua! Aquaaa! Help meeee!”
“Kazuma, nooo!”
I was screaming like a little girl, and Aqua was just plain screaming, when—
“Bottomless Swamp!”
I knew that voice. A series of shouts followed it. Still collapsed on the ground, I turned my head toward the shout and saw the orcs mired in a giant swamp. And behind them…
“Yunyun! It’s you! Waaaaah!”
At the sight of the Crimson Magic Clan girl, I started sobbing with relief.
“?!” The orc who had mounted me gulped. She seemed to be confused by the swamp that had suddenly appeared and swallowed her friends. She got off me, watching Yunyun closely.
I fled, by which I mean crawled, toward Yunyun, my face still wet with tears.
“Yunyun! Yunyun! Thank youuuuu!” I wept, clinging to her.
“Eep…! Mr. K-Kazuma?! It’s all right, you’re safe now, so please don’t cry… Ooh… You’re…going to get snot all over my…precious…robe…”
Yunyun seemed to feel a little awkward, but I couldn’t quite catch what she was saying. The orc never took her eyes off the wizard, except for a glance at her companions in the swamp. She seemed to want to help them but wasn’t able to make a move with Yunyun there.
Aqua came over near where I was curled up on the ground. “I’m so glad you’re safe, Kazuma… K-Kazuma?! What are you doing?”
I clung to her ankles, weeping afresh. I had never been so terrified in all my life, not even when facing down the generals of the Demon King.
“Okay, it’s all right, shh. It must have been very scary, but you’re all right now. We’ll protect you,” Aqua said, patting my head. I was kind of embarrassed to admit that she was actually making me feel better.
I glanced at the orc and saw Yunyun flare her cape dramatically (if with a hin
t of embarrassment). She thrust out her wand and declared:
“My name is Yunyun, Arch-wizard and wielder of advanced magic! One of the top five wizards of the Crimson Magic Clan, and she who shall be its chief…! You orcs have made a settlement near our village. Because we are good neighbors, I will let you go this one time. Now take your friends and be gone!”
At this, the orc tore a strip from her clothes and used it as a rope to rescue her drowning companions.
“Kazuma,” Yunyun called, “now’s our chance. Let’s go!”
6
When we had gotten out of the orcs’ field and into a forest, we decided to take a little breather.
“With you along, Yunyun, none of these monsters are scary at all! We can walk all over them!” That was Aqua, just begging to trip a flag.
But I did understand how she felt. Yunyun and her advanced magic were definitely heartening.
For my part, I hadn’t left Aqua’s side since earlier. Somehow it made me feel better, being with someone I’d known for so long. My behavior seemed to perplex her, but for once she didn’t complain. I was thankful that she let me hang around her.
Really, really thankful.
It seemed like my experience with the orcs had pretty well traumatized me. I changed my ripped clothing and reequipped the items I had handed to the others. Then I turned toward my savior.
“Yunyun, thank you again. Really, you can’t imagine how grateful I am. For the rest of my life, when someone asks me, ‘Who’s your hero?’ I’ll say ‘Yunyun’ without missing a beat. That’s how grateful I am.”
“A-all right, already! It’s starting to sound like you’re making fun of me…,” Yunyun said, clearly as embarrassed as she could possibly get.
I hadn’t loosened my grip on Aqua’s feather mantle the whole time I spoke.
“By the way,” Yunyun went on, “what’s everyone doing here, anyway? Megumin, did you finally decide you were worried about the village?”
“Y-yes! My little sister! I got very worried about her. She is so quick to do very dumb things.”
“Oh—oh yeah. She loves to fight so much, even though she can’t use magic.”
Yunyun seemed to swallow this hook, line, and sinker. The rest of us, however, all had huge smirks on our faces.
“Wh-why is everyone looking at me like that?!” Megumin said, angrily turning her back on us.
I cradled a mug of coffee in my hands, sipping slowly. Bit by bit, it helped heal my heart, which had been so badly wounded by my encounter with the orcs. Wrapped in my cloak, I stared at each of my companions.
“…All four of you have such lovely faces!”
In the woods lining the road, the others froze at the sound of my voice.
“Wh-what’s going on?” Aqua said. “Kazuma is always saying and doing weird stuff, but today he seems worse than usual!”
“S-stay calm,” Darkness answered. “He’s planning something; I know it. He loves to build you up just to bring you down. Don’t act happy, or you’ll be walking right into his trap!”
Sheesh. Rude.
Megumin still had her back to us, but she glanced over her shoulder at me, working her mouth as if to say that she agreed with Darkness. And Yunyun just seemed startled, her cheeks red.
I had never felt more relieved than now, after escaping those orcs. I looked at my four traveling companions and took another breath.
“You all really are very beautiful, aren’t you?”
“What is he doing?!” Aqua said. “Seriously, what? He’s acting super weird!”
“I told you, Aqua, stay calm. Start by casting healing magic on him!”
Darkness and Aqua were on the verge of panic, and Megumin looked like she was keeping her guard up. Way, way up.
I looked at Yunyun, beet-red and staring at the ground, and relished the joy of having escaped the orcs.
7
“Megumin, when we were in school, you were always the best in Magic Studies and had the most MP. The villagers wouldn’t stop talking about how gifted you were. Everyone expected so much of you… I hate to think what will happen when they find out you became a failure of a wizard who can only use explosive magic…”
“Hey, I shall have you cease calling me a failure of a wizard! In terms of sheer magical power, I am undoubtedly first among the Crimson Magic Clan. I am not spouting falsehoods! I shall not have you speak ill of the explosive magic to which I have dedicated nearly my entire life.”
We had broken camp and set off down the road again.
“But what good is it?! You can’t use it in a dungeon, because the whole place might come crashing down on your head. It’s great at long distances, but you can’t use it when the enemy gets close, because you might blow yourself up along with all your friends. It uses an unsustainable amount of MP—even as a high-level wizard, you can only do it once. And the one thing it has going for it, the power, is always going to be overkill! Nobody takes Explosion because it just eats up all your skill points, and for what? A gimmick!”
Yunyun and Megumin had been at it for a while. Apparently, Megumin hadn’t actually told anyone in the village that she could use only Explosion. Yunyun was trying to do damage control, but she wasn’t having much success…
Megumin turned to face her squarely. “…Oh, you have done it now, Yunyun! You have said something unforgivable. Something worse than insulting my very name!”
“I-is that how it is? Okay, you and me, right here and now. I’m done losing to you, Megumin!” Yunyun backed away from Megumin, keeping one eye on the other wizard. Megumin took a single look at her, and…!
“Kazuma. Let me tell you all of Yunyun’s dirty secrets. Did you know that we Crimson Magic Clan members are born with a tattoo on our bodies? Its exact location varies from person to person, but Yunyun’s, believe it or not, is on her—”
“Stop it! How can you say that to Mr. Kazuma?! Never mind that—how do you know where my tattoo is?! You can’t use your Explosion here, Megumin. And with no magic, I won’t have any trouble getting you good!” Almost in tears, Yunyun charged at Megumin, but Megumin easily dodged her.
“Aqua, buff me! I shall show her what it means to be gotten good!”
“Why—why, you! You’re a cheater, Megumin! You always were!”
That’s when it happened.
Perhaps drawn by the sound of the girls fighting, an unpleasantly screechy voice came through the trees.
“Hey, over here! I knew I heard people this way!”
“It looks like the enemy’s heard us!” Darkness hissed, crouching down. “Both of you be quiet now!”
“It is Yunyun’s fault! She keeps shouting! She gets angry so easily.”
“You’re one to talk, Megumin! You always just go ahead and do whatever you want without ever thinking about the consequences! Chomusuke hasn’t even been trying to come out from under your hat for I don’t know how long!”
“What was that?!”
“Will both of you please shut up?! If you keep shouting, they’ll find us! Tell them, Kazuma!”
As Megumin and Yunyun continued their argument, Darkness placed a hand on each of their heads and shoved them into the bushes. They stopped arguing but kept making angry eye movements and gestures at each other. I exclaimed:
“That doesn’t matter right now! You have to tell me where Yunyun’s tattoo is!”
“They’re here; I found them! They’re hiding over here!”
“You impossible man! You impossible, impossible man!”
8
“I found two Crimson Magic Clan members! The others look like human adventurers. Hey, over here! Get over here! Two little Crimson Magic kids! This is our chance! What a haul!”
The monster was wearing armor. It had pointed ears, reddish-brown skin, and it was slim rather than muscular. A demon. A single horn grew from its forehead, and its glittering eyes were fixed firmly on Megumin and Yunyun.
Off to its side, Aqua and Darkness stood up from where they’d been h
idden in the bushes, and…!
“Huh? Are you pretending to be a low-level demon or something? You look ridiculous! What are you, a washout who couldn’t even make the bottom of the demon ranks? Whatever! Exorcism magic doesn’t even work on monsters as pitiful as you. Aren’t you lucky to be such a loser! I don’t have time to act like I care about you. Come back when you make full demon. I’ll pretend I didn’t see you here, so get. Get!”
I couldn’t tell if she was taunting it or trying to intimidate it. Either way, the demon ground its teeth at her. Darkness wordlessly stepped forward, drawing her great sword.
Given that this creature was wearing armor, it must have been part of the army of the Demon King, currently at war with the Crimson Magic Clan. We were getting close to the village, so it wasn’t surprising that we would run into the foot soldiers. This one was clutching a short spear in hand and staring at us in fury, red face growing even redder.
And then a crowd of similar creatures appeared behind it. They all carried different items, but they were clearly armed. Monster soldiers.
Hang on—this isn’t good. I mean, there were five of us and…a lot of them!
“You think you’re letting me go, huh, priest? …You’ve got two little Crimson Magic kids right there—ain’t no way we’re missing out on this! Chop ’em up, boys!”
There had to be at least twenty monsters backing him up. But Yunyun took a step forward…
“Light of Saber!!”
As she yelled, she made a diagonal slicing motion through the air with her hand. A ray of light followed the motion. As it passed through the demons, they suddenly found parts of their bodies missing or they just collapsed right to the ground.
The demon we had been speaking to wasn’t taking this well. “S-surround them! Circle up! They can’t stop all of us at once! Everybody dogpile and get that Crimson Magic wench first!”
Darkness stepped between Yunyun and the demons who were trying to surround her to fend them off. Aqua was busy casting buffs on our Crusader.
Crimson Magic Clan, Let’s & Go!! Page 5
