by Hope Hart
She smiles. “We’re staying until we’ve solved this little Dokhall problem. Zarix and Dexar like the idea of consolidating our defenses with Rakiz.”
I nibble on my lower lip, suddenly depressed. “Alexis must hate that. She’s constantly ripped away from her tribe. And you have your dance classes…”
“It’s okay. It’s just a short-term thing. But you’re right. This has gone on for long enough. We need some kind of plan to remove this threat once and for all.”
We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes, both of us munching as we watch tribe members going about their days.
“How are you, Zoey?” Beth breaks the silence. “You seem…sad.”
Not only is Beth ethereally beautiful and naturally graceful—even with the slight limp—but she’s also one of the kindest women I know.
“I’m okay.” I smile at her, but her brow creases, telling me she sees through my bullshit.
“Something happened.”
I clear my throat, and the words come out before I’m aware I’m speaking them. “I slept with Tagiz. Multiple times.”
Her eyes widen, and then she grins, but the smile disappears as she examines my face.
“You don’t seem all that pleased by this new development,” she murmurs.
I laugh, but my throat feels clogged up, and the sound is closer to a sob.
“Hey.” She leans closer, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “Tell me what’s going on. I’m a good listener, I promise.”
It all comes spilling out. How Tagiz’s family expects him to mate with someone else. How I tried to stay away from him and how the way he looks at me makes my heart beat so hard it feels like it’ll fly out of my chest.
I wipe tears off my face. “Do you know what it’s like to have Christmas on a different day when you’re a kid? To know you can’t celebrate on the real holiday because your father is with his real family? The mistress and the illegitimate kid don’t get December 25. Or even the twenty-sixth. They get the twenty-seventh or the twenty-eighth.”
Another tear slips down my cheek, and Beth grabs my hand. I let out a sob-laugh. “Why are you crying?”
She wipes her face, hunching her shoulders. “I can’t help it,” she mutters. “I’m ridiculous when my friends are hurting.”
I smile at that. “You’re a little empath.” I sigh. “My mom was the other woman. I didn’t figure it out until I was eight or nine and I heard her talking to my father. He may have loved my mother. May have loved me, even. But he was never going to leave his wife. Ever. By the time I was a teenager, Mom had finally accepted it, and I hated him more than anything in the world.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that was for you,” Beth murmurs. “Did you have a relationship with him as an adult?”
I shake my head. “His wife wanted to move to California when I was a teenager. So they did. All of a sudden, he was gone, and I was the one who had to call 9-1-1 when my mother swallowed a bottle of pills. I was the one who had to watch as she broke and had to rebuild herself. You know she never took a cent of his money? She was owed child support at the very least. But she was too proud, and instead, she worked three jobs and died on the way to her night shift at the crappy diner down the road.”
“You think what’s going on with you and Tagiz is like your mom and dad?”
“Don’t call him that,” I snap and immediately regret it. I wrap my arm around Beth’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I get it. I wouldn’t want to consider someone like that my dad either.”
I sigh. “I watched her as I grew up. I saw how miserable she was, pining for someone else. How she pretended like December 25 was just another day. One year, I was so mad I opened all the presents under the tree on Christmas Day. The real Christmas Day. She cried for three hours.”
Guilt buries itself deep in my stomach at the memory.
“You were just a kid.” Beth’s voice is gentle.
“Yeah. And he was celebrating Christmas with his real family. You know I have three brothers and a sister I’ve never met?” I let out a harsh laugh. “I guess I’ll probably never meet them now.”
“You know what I’m going to say,” Beth murmurs.
“I know. I need to talk to Tagiz. He’s going to break my heart, I know it.”
Beth’s jaw juts out, and her eyes turn steely. She may be gentle and kind, but she’s also one hell of a fighter. “You know, I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. I have my mate and the little brat of a kid who makes me laugh until my stomach hurts even as he makes me want to pull my hair out in frustration—sometimes within the same few minutes. But I can tell you this: if I ever thought Zarix was going to be with another woman, even if he wanted to be with me, I’d leave so fast his head would spin.”
I nod, winding my fingers together in my lap. “I shouldn’t have slept with him. I was weak.”
Beth sighs. “You were in love. It’s different.”
She laughs at the look on my face. “It’s rare to find two people who fit together as well as you and Tagiz. But he’s hurting you, Zoey. You need to tell him everything you told me. So he understands.”
“I want him to choose me, Beth. But if he doesn’t, I’m not going to hang around and watch him mate with someone else.”
She nods. “I wouldn’t either. As Nevada would say, fuck that shit.”
I burst out laughing as she drags me to my feet, helping me collect the rest of my lunch.
“I’ll clean this up,” she says. “You need to talk to your man.”
Chapter Nine
Zoey
I smile down at Harry, the karja. Yes, I named him. Yes, I know that was a stupid thing to do. He’s not a pet. He’s a wild animal. But I had to call him something.
“You don’t even have a limp anymore. Is every creature on this planet a faster healer than us poor humans?”
He stretches up on his back paws and licks at my cheek, and I laugh.
“Are you hungry?”
He seems to perk up even more at that, and I get to my feet. I’ll go get him some food, and then I’ll go find Tagiz. After my talk earlier with Beth, I know I need to put all my cards on the table.
I bite my lip, wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. I don’t know how to explain to him I need him to make a choice. I need him to choose me. But if he doesn’t, I won’t be hanging around to see him mate with Malis. I saw what it did to my mother to be second best. I’m worth more than that.
I’m so lost in thought I’ve walked past the food kradi. I turn to walk back, and my heart stutters in my chest.
Tagiz is holding Malis close as she murmurs to him. I take a moment to gaze at them, my chest clenching at how right they look together. Unlike me, her head brushes his chin, while I’m so small next to him that I probably look like a child.
My stomach twists. This situation isn’t going to get any better. Tagiz hasn’t said it, but it’s clear his father will make him choose between his family and me.
If I had the chance to have my mom back, I’d jump at it. So how can I expect Tagiz to give up his family for me?
I attempt to blink back my tears, but they’re already dripping down my face. I must make some kind of sound because Tagiz looks up, surprise on his face.
“Little healer…”
I wipe at my damp face, and the words pour from my mouth almost before I’m even aware of them. “I’m sorry, Tagiz. But I can’t do this anymore.”
Malis steps back from him, moving toward me, her face concerned. “You know it’s not what it looks like, Zoey.”
I nod, and more tears slip down my face. “I know. But I’m tired of feeling like the other woman. I know you guys are in a horrible situation, and I’m sorry for it, I really am. But I can’t watch this happen anymore. And the thought of you mating?” My voice cracks, and Tagiz’s face turns to stone.
“Don’t do this, little healer. Don’t leave me.”
Somehow, this both breaks my heart and makes
me want to slap him across the face.
“How can I leave you, Tagiz? I was never truly with you.”
It hits me then. I love Tagiz. He’s kind, and loyal, and strong. He has a soft heart, hidden within that incredible chest of his. He was the first man to make me feel truly seen. The first to make me feel like I was special.
But I love myself more.
He opens his mouth, and I step back.
“It’s okay. I just want you to be happy. Do whatever it is that makes you feel good, Tagiz. Live the life you want, and that will be enough for me.”
“Zoey—”
I hold up my hand. “If you care about me at all, don’t follow me.”
Zoey
I’m staring out between the bars of the cage, my breath coming in shallow pants. I shudder, freezing, but the sweat on my face tells another story.
Fever.
It was to be expected, I guess. Untreated cracked or broken ribs make it difficult to breathe. Without painkillers, the inability to take a full breath leads to the collapse of the far ends of the lungs.
And that leads to pneumonia.
It’s almost ironic. If my ribs had punctured a lung, at least my death might’ve been relatively quick.
Now all I can hope for is to get to see the sky one last time before I die.
Even if it’s not the same sky I was born under.
Then Tagiz is there, his hands gentle as he picks me up. His eyes are soft, and he brushes the tangled hair off my face as he gazes down at me.
“I have you,” he says.
But then Malis is there too. And they’re holding each other. Looking so perfect together that a chunk of my heart breaks off right there, falling to my feet with a thump.
I jerk, lifting my hands to my face. Something is…licking me.
I’m crying. The little fluff ball has been licking my tears, one of his paws on my chest as he leans over.
“Were you trying to wake me up?” I murmur.
He growls at me, but it’s not a threatening growl. It’s more like he’s berating me, and I laugh.
I sit up, wiping the tears—and fluff ball spit—off my face.
“Is it my imagination, or do you look even bigger already? I know it’s a survival mechanism, but this is ridiculous.”
Karja mamas don’t tend to stick around and look after their babies for long, so they’re forced to take on the world by themselves.
I know what it’s like to suddenly be all alone in the world, without any warning.
I brush his furry little ears, and he allows it, a sound similar to a purr leaving his throat. I grin at him. I figured I shouldn’t let him run wild through the camp until he’s trained. But he hates the little pen I set up for him near the forest, and he cried until I rescued him, bringing him back to my kradi. I thought he’d prefer to be closer to the wild, but maybe he hated being able to see the world but not actually partake in what it has to offer.
I get it.
I roll out of bed, get dressed, and find some food for the little guy, sneaking him to one of the clearings near my kradi so he can do his business near a large white tree.
“You’re a sweetheart,” I murmur as I crouch beside him, and he licks my hand. He seems to be pretty content sleeping most of the day, but according to some of the warriors, the karja will be causing havoc soon though.
I glance around, careful to stay away from Tagiz. When it comes to him, I feel weak. The last thing I need is to see the hurt in his eyes again when he looks at me. If I don’t work on building a wall around my heart, I’ll be right back where I started.
I take the karja back to my kradi, and he snuggles into the little bed I made for him. Then I head to the training arena to see if any of the warriors are free to walk with me into the forest.
I grin at the camp’s grumpiest warrior. “You’re back!”
Hewex doesn’t exactly grin back at me, but his scowl lessens slightly as he nods. “Let me guess,” he says. “You need to find some bark and twigs.”
I laugh. “Have some respect.”
He snorts, and I’m careful to keep my eyes away from the training arena. I just caught sight of a familiar set of wide shoulders, and I instantly turn away. I don’t think I can handle seeing Tagiz looking relaxed and happy while I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
“I can’t come with you today—I have a meeting with Rakiz. But Kroniz has just finished training.” He calls over the other warrior, and I can instantly feel Tagiz’s eyes on me. I keep my own gaze fastened on Kroniz’s face, refusing to give in to the urge to look at the man who has caused me so much pain.
Turns out, sadness and rage are two sides of the same coin.
Kroniz grins, nodding as Hewex explains he can’t hang around. I eye Hewex. Is he trying to fix me up with Kroniz?
Kroniz seems to realize I don’t want to chat, and I get down to business as soon as we’re in the forest. I’ve forgotten my basket, so I pull a handkerchief from my pocket as I search for the tiny green berries.
Not for the first time, I’m thankful we were rescued by the Braxians. If we were left alone, starving on this planet, we probably would have resorted to eating anything we could get our hands on and been dead within hours.
I find the bright-green maradoza berries, examining them with a clinical eye. Just a few of these berries could mean certain death.
I shudder at the thought, wrapping them in my handkerchief and carefully placing them in my pocket.
“Zoey?”
I turn. “Oh, hey, Nevada. What are you doing out here?”
She shrugs, and I notice two warriors trailing after her. Rakiz is taking no chances with his pregnant queen. They stop and talk with Hewex, and I bend, looking for the leaves we use to make ortar.
“I wanted to take a walk. Can I give you a hand?”
“Sure. Help me pick a few of those dark-green leaves right there. The larger the leaf, the better.”
She nods, getting to work, but she rubs her back with a wince, and I narrow my eyes at her.
“Are you okay?”
Nevada rolls her eyes. “I’m fine. Back pain seems to go hand in hand with pregnancy. The miracle of life ain’t all that miraculous from where I’m standing.” I laugh, and she changes the subject. “How are you doing with everything, Zo? Still drinking that awful tonic?”
I examine her face. She has a good color, and she’s no longer wincing. The nurse in me wants to press her about the pain, but if there’s one thing I know about Nevada, it’s that she hates it when people fuss over her.
“I’m done with that, finally. You know, Moni reminds me of one of the charge nurses I used to work with. Her motto was ‘do no harm but take no shit.’”
Nevada grins at me. “Moni is scary. I’m convinced she’s at least a little psychic.”
My eyes widen as she tells me about her friend Jack and how Moni passed on a message from him. Seemingly from beyond the grave.
“Whoa.”
Nevada nods. “Yep.”
“What’s it like being pregnant here?” I ask, suddenly curious.
Nevada angles her head, wincing again.
“You know, I never thought I’d have kids.” She glances away, looking as vulnerable as I’ve ever seen her. “My mom was a drunk, and I never knew my father. My brother took off as soon as he could. I have no idea what a healthy family looks like, Zo. What if I screw this kid up? I don’t even know if I have any real maternal instinct.”
I’m not used to this kind of talk from Nevada. She’s one of the most self-assured people I’ve ever met. But I get it. Having a baby on an alien planet in the middle of a war? It’s got to be hard. Doing it without any understanding of what a functional family looks like? Even harder.
I choose my words carefully.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about this recently. My mom died when I was nineteen. Before that, it was mostly just the two of us. I think every parent wonders if they’ll screw their kid up. But no
matter what happened in my life, I knew my mom was in my corner. I knew if the shit hit the fan, I could call her, and whatever problem I had, we’d figure it out together.”
I blink back tears, and Nevada straightens, her face sympathetic as she wipes her own eyes.
“Goddamn hormones,” she mutters, and I let out a wet laugh.
“I think that’s the best thing you can give a child, Nevada. The knowledge you’re on their team. That they’re never alone and that when they need you, you’ll be right there next to them, fighting beside them. And if there’s one thing I know about the kick-ass woman who rescued me from the Voildi, it’s that she’ll be that person for her kid. You’ll figure everything else out.”
I don’t know who is more shocked—me or Kroniz—as Nevada pulls me into her arms for a hug. Nevada is many things, but a hugger she is not. Kroniz’s mouth drops open as I make eye contact with him over Nevada’s shoulder, and the warriors next to him look just as shocked.
I feel a shudder run through Nevada, and I pull back as she winces.
“We need to get you back to camp,” I murmur. I’m beginning to get concerned her back pain may actually be contractions.
She nods, her face suddenly pale, and we both turn toward the guards.
I scream, jumping in front of Nevada as the clearing erupts into violence.
Chapter Ten
Tagiz
She left me.
And I can’t blame her.
The female I’m obsessed with. The female I need, would never put up with anything less than everything from her male. Zoey may be gentle and kind, but she is also strong. She has a core of fire.
I advance toward Rakiz, desperate to replace the aching in my chest with a different kind of ache.
Our swords are on the ground, and we’ve devolved into fists. No other warriors are even pretending to train anymore, choosing instead to place bets on the outcome of our match.
I duck beneath Rakiz’s fist only to lose my breath in a whoosh as his other hand slams into my stomach. I’ve seen that move before.
