by Hylton Smith
“Spiffing old chap, let’s make it outside the TV studio as I have some business to conclude there.”
Departing the scene Tarquin was mightily impressed with his deal to recover the security log-in data, and failed to see Ricky running for the toilet, scarcely able to conceal his belly-bursting laughter.
Chapter 32
Dimiscus Fungi was anxious to get started as the timescale of the objectives set by Wishbone was ludicrously unrealistic. There wasn’t even time for him to feel jaded at the lack of drooling admiration from the PM. He fixed a think-tank session with IR at very short notice, and would travel north to check out the local turf, then widen the consulting process from there. He needed to be more flexible than normal in order to ‘squeeze phlogiston’ into the vacuum of interest in the Cabinet, if he was ever to move out of this ‘oxygen-deprived’ remit. He felt he would then be able to sidestep the boredom of myopic legislation and set sail for career land.
Richardson was happy to sketch in a framework with Fungi, flexible enough as a template for other regions and their peculiarities. Then he would float the intention of designating an additional full time participant to ensure adherence to timescales and objectives.
***
The appeal case for Pinstripe had been brought forward and would commence before the frog was due to appear. This was good news for Buckmananov Detroit insofar as it negated the possible impact of concurrent publicity and its distraction potential. The media interest was undiminished, and IR was to use the TV slot to implore citizens to attend both court cases to give support to ‘Duke’ and offset any fanfare Frauddy Mouthwater was undoubtedly cooking up.
***
Tarquin was puffing heavily on the remains of his cigar, when a greasy looking stoat almost deafened him in questioning his identity. He played the tedious security game until Ibrahimovic Casey handed him new data. Although he could not remember the original, he somehow felt this was different in its alpha-numeric content. He wondered if this would affect his snooping activity when he got his palmtop back from Bios Derailleur. This facility would be even more useful than ever, if he was to get the chalice of national recognition. It could be enhanced and extended to other worthwhile areas. Nothing like getting a bit ahead of oneself, but his desire now had no reverse gear. Despite his anxiousness to get straight to log-in world, he had to do ‘rehearsals’ at the TV studio, and the live shoot for later transmission at peak time.
The schedule went well, with all parties living up to their word. In the case of Mixim Otosis (HUFF party), it meant not contributing a single word. Otto sneakily endorsed everything Richardson had stood up for. But he cautioned the wider audience that to achieve a result which would back up IR’s courage and conviction on a country-wide basis, neither the W.C. nor the F.O.B party would countenance such departure from their comfort zone. It simply was not in their DNA. The only alternative was the BNP, which would guarantee the extension of such worthwhile reform. De Vere was taken aback by such transparent party politics, especially as he had a more subtle ploy of his own. Before he delivered it he condemned Otto’s cheap shot, which was not in keeping with the cross-party accord that had just been reached. More importantly, the programme host intervened to ask about a rumour that had reached him from a colleague in the national media, suggesting that IR’s courage was stiffened by counsel from some sort of contraption that he conferred with in a local hostelry. Tarquin bit his lip, ditched his party advert and took a blood pressure capsule. Otto shrugged his shoulders and gave a reasonably good impression of being horrified. Mixim said nothing. IR calmly said, “If a database and a history book are considered as contraptions, then the assertion is true. I know of no politician, local or national, who doesn’t avail of such tools. Furthermore, canvassing citizens’ or other politicians’ views is mandatory if we’re to have balance in our objectives. It is called representation, precisely what we are elected to do. I might also add that if this hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have had this situation where all parties have conferred, put party issues second to the welfare of our citizens, and endorsed the transfer of funding from unnecessary designations to critically required ones. The Hospice owes its continuance to this manifestation of democracy. I don’t know if that answers your question?”
The presenter felt he had been set up, his bombshell had been returned with interest. Tarquin jumped in to support IR. Uncharacteristically, he stood up, eyeballed the host and felt an urge to chant, ‘Who are ya? Who are ya?’ He actually settled for rapturous applause for Improbable Richardson. Otto wished that he had not dribbled in the arsenic quite so confidently. Mixim thought nothing.
The highly-charged atmosphere was perfect for Richardson to thank the citizens for their unwavering support and the success with Chloe’s case. He followed this up by insisting the same message had to be delivered to HQ with respect to Pinstripe and the frog. He appealed to the electorate to deliver their presence and their clamour for absolute justice at these trials.
***
Wishbone was mentally doodling. He felt that he had successfully set his style to contrast very sharply with his predecessor, Pontius Schmuck, and the loss of political collateral the chameleon had inflicted upon the party. He had also acted quite promptly to extinguish bush fires on issues like dismantling of PC, listening to local predicaments, and re-establishing a Cabinet of solidity and experience. He also accepted that this was a shot in the arm rather than a cure for the falling popularity of the party. He expected the local elections to be bad news but he had steadied the decline. His big weapon of talking up his decision to deliver the promised referendum on the EU to the citizens could not be wasted on these local elections; it would be delivered just prior to the national election. Maximum impact for both himself and the party. His task was to bolster this pending vote winner with policy which would clearly set the new direction. He knew it was no coincidence that when crime and punishment was examined, this young bronco Richardson would come into focus again. He would monitor this very carefully and also reflect on just how the electorate was trying to tell politicians that they were not only prepared to depose PC, support stifling the epidemic of human rights for terrorists and criminals, and encourage examination of inflexible central policy, they were absolutely gagging for it. This had been steadily building for a decade or more. He decided he would take a much closer interest in the project he had given Fungi, to shape the metamorphosis he felt was required. It should have occurred to him that he may not be unique in thinking this. At least he was going to be the first party leader to meet IR. That had already been decided.
Chapter 33
Buckmananov Detroit presented his case in three stages. First, he quoted the precedent of the swordstick case, and its judgement that the act of the victim taking it on a train journey was premeditated. This was a key fact. If this was valid, then taking a weapon while breaking into an occupied property had far more chance of it being used than a random train journey. Therefore the premeditation was much more specific. It could also be argued that in a small village the assailant would know who and what he may face.
Secondly, in a comprehensive analysis of burglary with assault there was a high occurrence of fatalities, especially in cases in which resistance was attempted without using a weapon, or even an implement to ward off the armed intruder.
Thirdly, in a situation which Pinstripe found himself, it isn’t possible for the drowsy occupant to start a mental debate with himself as to what constitutes reasonable force. Even a debate between intelligent citizens who have not been disturbed in their sleep could take hours.
“In summary, are we really expected to endorse a sentence of a truly law abiding citizen, whose decision has to be made in a microsecond after being awoken, as to whether this is a risky situation. He was facing a weapon. On what criteria could we expect him to evaluate reasonable force? He wouldn’t have any dilemma if the assailant had not entered, or had not already decided to take a weapon with him
. I submit that had not Mr Pinstripe acted quickly, this may have been a trial investigating his murder. Thankfully we are not, but this is in no way because the guidelines are correct or even clear.”
The cheers broke out in the gallery. This was repeated when the appeal was upheld.
IR punched the air, turning to the Pinstripe supporters and said, “Three down, one to go.”
***
The accord on the Hospice had been ratified at HQ, and now Wishbone could think about a new Education Minister. He wouldn’t rush this but it had to be known that it was being pursued.
***
De Vere reached the pub, breezed past the Old Speckled Hen, and logged in.
“Hello De Vere, I suppose you are here to renew our conversation from yesterday?”
“That is an accurate supposition.”
“Well, good news and bad news often seem to hang out together, is that the right expression?”
Get on with it Owl, was what he wanted to say. “I believe so, but I’m no purveyor of pollution of our mother tongue, and I didn’t think it was ‘up your alley’ either.”
“Yes I agree. Cllr. Richardson would like to accept your willing help and he is meeting with the Government officer to outline the mechanics of tackling the project. He would like to introduce you during that session and nominate you as his replacement for future strategy development and implementation.”
“And the bad news?”
“The PM wanted IR to personally commit to this initiative. This would appear to be a ‘snooker’ rather than a lost cause. Richardson has been summoned to see the ‘boss’ on another matter apparently, and will attempt to avoid going ‘in off the red’ while setting up a ‘free shot.’”
“What the hell are you babbling on about, I’m not even sure this is you.”
“Oh sorry, my programmer has fitted me with a sense of humour chip, and I am just giving it a spin, ‘right on cue,’ ha-ha-ha-haaaar. Sorry again, I will disengage this programme until I have mastered the rudiments of humour.”
“Tell him not to give up the day job then. Now how will this persuasion of the PM be achieved?”
“We have discovered that the officer running the implementation, Dimiscus Fungi, is a bit of an embarrassment to the PM, and he was expected to fail. Now the project has moved from a sideshow to headline act he is road kill.”
“You have switched off that chip haven’t you?”
“Most certainly, it takes a few sentences for the command to re-align when the chip is shut down. Anyway, it would be in your interests as well as ours to help get this Meniscus Fudgy, there I go again – we have to ensure Dimiscus Fungy is derailed.”
“What the……?”
‘System change complete’ flashed on to the screen.
“Thanks to whoever you are Mr Owl. I don’t see how I can assist in dislodging a PM appointed officer whom I’ve never met, whose name I have more than one version of, and whose actual task I can’t fathom.”
“I feel better now. My apologies De Vere. Please meet Cllr. Richardson at his office without delay and he will explain better than I appear to be capable of doing.”
***
There was something troubling Tarquin about this malfunctioning of the Holo-matrix, and in order to get another perspective of this so-called government initiative, he availed himself of his highest ranking contact’s take on the scenario. Major-General Ralluph Wilderberry-Pork, the Foreign Minister and fellow officer in De Vere’s regiment in bygone days, was a constantly circling bat in HQ. He would have the finest details at his claw tips and probably some well-marinated advice.
The conversation was to repay a favour during their armed forces days in which De Vere’s silence was instrumental in ensuring Porky’s promotion. The bat confided that this project appeared to be one of Wishbone’s aces in the hole. So much was personally riding on this for the PM that Ralluph was not going anywhere near badmouthing Fungi. The high stakes had Tarquin frothing at the mouth. He thanked the bat and hastened to IR’s office racked with desire to land this big fish. IR beckoned him in and said Fungi was due imminently. He also clarified what the Owl had said concerning Dimiscus being lightweight, at best, and a mistake in all probability, without disclosing the source of this knowledge.
“So you see it will be tricky for me to bow out now, I will wait to see the PM before airing this.”
When he entered, Fungi was immediately uneasy with De Vere’s presence.
“This is Tarquin De Vere, F.O.B. party, we have worked together recently on various topics. We’ve managed to subordinate party politics to getting the right things done at local level. I’m happy to avail of his expertise and objectivity, as I currently have a very high workload. Tarquin, this is Dimiscus Fungi, project manager for decentralisation studies and phasing out PC where deemed appropriate.”
“Pleased to meet you Mr Funjee,” said De Vere.
“It is pronounced Fun G eye.”
“That‘s what I said, Funjee,” repeated De Vere.
“Well then, that is another reason I am not going to countenance this meeting going ahead. Firstly, we do not share our most important strategies with opposition members, and secondly, I flatly refuse to engage in further conversation with someone who is phonetically challenged.”
He did not hear Tarquin’s rejoinder as he marched out and returned to HQ to inform the PM that he required his backing for complete autonomy in this remit. Big mistake.
Tarquin listened to IR’s apology but strangely was not dismayed. He was on the verge of a status hyperspace jump and Diminutive Fallguy was to be the target of a cunning plan. He also thought that the plan would be his.
Chapter 34
Richardson congratulated Buckmananov Detroit on the victory, and asked what would happen if Uranus Ormine was found not guilty. The reply was typical in its brevity. A civil case, depending on the reasons for acquittal of the criminal charges.
The revised Pinstripe verdict hadn’t gone down well at the Joint. The fact that there was also to be an inquiry into the adequacy and clarity of the law following that trial, was not good news either. Consequently, the frog was now trying to dilute the presence of unruly offenders at his big day, and had to countermand instructions to Jacky Jack Jackson. The jackdaw now felt left out, even humiliated, and told Ormine that splintering the support did not augur well for the trial or the solidarity aspect of fellowship. He of course expressed this in more colourful language and less than half of the words. He added that this creep Mouthwater was getting on everyone’s nerves with his constant unwillingness to tell them what he was doing.
Uranus Ormine was aware of an impending bust-up, yet didn’t prevent it in time, and Frauddy ended up in hospital after he had ended up in the river. He was now more concerned with lodging charges against three Joint thugs than he was about helping Uranus.
***
Wishbone’s blood pressure was passing through 180/100 on its way to a destination of 205/115, before he told Fungi over speakerphone to ‘get his carcase’ back to HQ, pronto. It was a coincidence that Ralluph Wilderberry-Pork was with him, discussing World Pollution at the time. He would not normally have counselled the bat (hanging upside down as usual) on this issue, but he was ready to tear Fungi to pieces. The way it came out was confusing to Ralluph.
“I really could do with a favour on this one MG, (Major General always ensured Wilderberry-Pork was receptive, at least until the next utterance). This Dimiscus fellow is an enthusiastic, loyal, hardworking individual who is in the wrong box. I appointed him to this post largely to accomplish an important re-shuffle. However, in retrospect, I didn’t attach proper significance to the personality requirements of the new position he was to fulfil. Also, the task itself has mushroomed exponentially beyond his talents. It would be perceived as dithering if I chose to move him again so quickly. I need him to be wanted so badly by another department that I have to cave in to the pressure, and not be too pleased about it. Any ideas?”
&nb
sp; Wilderberry-Pork tried to think on his feet while constructing a request-quenching withdrawal.
“You don’t want to fire him then?”
“Oh no,” pretended the PM. “It’s just a question of matching his undoubted abilities to an appropriate function.”
“And what are these talents, aside from his general attributes? Please remind me.”
Mistake, Ralluph.
“Actually, he has an outstanding record of fastidious detail-crunching, which slows progress to a snail’s pace. His grasp of semantics allows this slowdown to be utilised to backtrack where necessary, and gives a window of opportunity for either gridlock or demoralisation, whichever is more appropriate. You know, you have maybe unwittingly given me a solution.”
Porky breathed a sigh of relief.
“Our Foreign Policy often requires this kind of posturing, switching of agenda, empty promises and the consequent justification of non-delivery.”
“Aha.” Ralluph was about to disarm the ballistics of this argument when he was cut off.
“You agree then, he is perfect for the Foreign Office. Thank you MG. You only find your real friends in the cauldron of battle. When I said I needed a favour, I hadn’t fully appreciated that it has always been your outstanding desire to help a fellow officer in his hour of despair. I’ll ask Fungi to see you after I’ve explained that he is a bit of a square peg in a round hole. I’m sure that he will be relieved to get back to something he is good at. I’ll leave it to you to rebuild his ambition and motivation. Thank you again my friend.”
“I am sure you would do the same for me PM, if roles were reversed,” enthused Porky, cementing the return favour requirement. Looking on the bright side, he knew one was never too far from stumbling into a lake of shit, and having a latent rescue in place was definitely a worthwhile investment. “One further question PM, how will you beef up the LoGo-LIMP effort in the light of its leader being reassigned?”
“I’m meeting with this local chap Richardson, and I need to bridle him a little to get the best out of him, a bit like breaking in a thoroughbred.”
