by B C Morgan
I stared straight at her as she tried to make sense of my words and then the strangest thing happened. She smiled.
“I don’t think you are a freak; you made my last couple of years at school bearable. No one dared mess with me after you got your hands on Katrina, and if anyone was stupid enough to try you set them straight too. You were there for me through the death of my parents and you have been there for me through everything else. I’m not going to turn my back on you. And who knows? Maybe one day whatever happened will right itself out and if not, then who the hell cares.”
I smiled out of habit as I knew that would be the right reaction for this situation, then I pulled her back in for another hug. I said to her, “If I could feel anything right now, I know that I would feel happy.” And with that weight lifted from our shoulders, she threw the car into gear and set off.
I asked her what had given me away and she said that it was back when her parents were killed in a hit and run. They had been run off the road and ended up upside down in a ditch. Unfortunately, it had been filled with water and their seat belts had jammed in place, ensuring they had drowned to death. I had been with her when her sister told her about the incident and she had crumpled to the floor with heart wrenching sobs. She explained I seemed so thrown by her reaction that she knew something weird was going on with me. At the time she couldn’t think about anything else as she was consumed in her grief so she let it go, until today that is.
I answered all the questions that she had for me until she asked the one thing that I didn’t want to face, she asked me about Darren.
Let me explain, Darren is my boyfriend of a year and a half, and it is the most tiring relationship I have ever been involved in. He’s a sweet guy for sure, at least I think he is, but I always have to be in actress mode with him. I knew that he wouldn’t be able to comprehend the truth about me, so I just played my part. I hated every moment of it, honestly for the past month, I’d been thinking of ways to end it with him. The only issue was I didn’t want to hurt him, but because I couldn’t feel that myself, I had no idea what would be considered cruel or not.
“Why did you even agree to go out with him?” She asked after ten minutes of complete silence had passed at just the mention of his name.
“Ever since it happened, I have been trying to come up with ways to make myself feel anything. I thought maybe if I said yes to him it would sort of jump start them. I laughed at his jokes, responded to all of his cues, I faked the feeling of utter giddiness when he was near and I even faked annoyance when I felt it was appropriate. Obviously, I’ve been spot on because not once has he ever sensed that something is off about me. I do not want to have to explain about how I am broken and to be fair I don’t really believe that he deserves an explanation anyway,” I replied to her.
“Unya you’re not broken, but I don’t think you are being fair to Darren by staying with him. Besides, why do you feel that he doesn’t deserve an explanation in the first place?”
“That’s an excellent question Addy, it’s because you are the first person to notice that I am just a huge pretender. Darren and I are supposed to be an item, so then why has he never noticed anything? He claims to love me you know; he’s said it a few times and I see the hurt in his eyes every time that I don’t say it back. And I won’t. Not when I don’t feel it myself. The worst part is the first time it happened I could see the rejection that he felt as clear as day and I didn’t want to be the reason for his hurt. He would have wanted to talk about it and clear the air and I hate that shit. So, to keep him from voicing his feelings, I kind of slept with him.”
I swear her eyes near enough popped out after my confession. She even spluttered a couple of times before she regained her composure.
“You had sex with the poor guy so he wouldn’t pour his heart out to you? God Unya, that is mean,” she stated, clearly disappointed in my choice of avoidance.
“It wasn’t that bad, not if you really think about it. He had a great time Addy, and I made sure that I wasn’t a selfish lover or anything. Besides, I guess I was secretly hoping that I would be able to feel something if we were together in such an intimate way,” I replied, suddenly feeling like I should be on the defensive.
“So, did it work, did you suddenly have an epiphany?”
I refused to make eye contact with her after she asked her question and just slowly shook my head. “I thought if we gave it a shot then maybe I would feel fireworks going off, maybe I could tap into this chemistry that he is convinced is between us. And yet again my senses failed me on all fronts. I couldn’t even bring myself to cuddle with him afterwards. God, I feel like such a bitch sometimes, I guess if you can’t feel love, then how could you even possibly hope to actually enjoy sex?”
It was at that statement that Addy started to crack up laughing. She tried calming herself down by breathing in deeply, but every time she looked at me, she just became more hysterical. She even had to pull her car over so that she didn’t actually hit anything. She finally settled down, placed her hand upon my shoulder and stared me straight in the eyes.
“Unya you do not need emotions to enjoy sex. If you didn’t get to experience the enjoyment that you should’ve, then it is probably because Darren just isn’t all that great in the sack. You aren’t compatible, and that’s nothing to feel ashamed about. But leading him on is cruel, he has every right to move on and find someone who actually wants to be with him. I mean, after everything you’ve told me if he really cannot see anything wrong then he obviously is not right for you either, please Unya just set him free.”
Chapter Three
Unya
I sat pondering her words as she pulled into the college car parking area and I realised my error. I knew I had to tell her that I’d dropped out of my second year, but I decided to leave it for the time being, promising myself that I would fill her in later on. She pulled me in for a quick hug before she waltzed off to her class.
I left the grounds fairly quick and headed towards the beach. There was definitely a plus to living in Devon in dreary England. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I have a problem with England, not at all, I just cannot stand the sudden weather changes. Luckily for me though it was a bright sunny day with no hint of overcast.
I laid my jacket down on the sand and sat down with my knees pulled up to my chest. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and proceeded to take long drags, almost to the point where my lungs were screaming from the exertion. I’d only been here for about five minutes when I felt a chill run down my spine and had the sudden feeling that someone was watching me. I was about to turn around when a shadow appeared overhead and a hand was placed upon my shoulder. I glanced up and suppressed a sudden sigh when I saw Darren. He proceeded to crouch down behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Baby that is a filthy habit,” he stated and then snatched my cigarette from my hand, crushing it beneath his foot.
I couldn’t hide my sigh that time, but all it did was make him smirk slightly and I suddenly had the urge to wipe it from his face. With my fist.
I assumed that the feeling of being watched had been caused by him, so I pushed it out of my mind.
He came around to face me and I heard his gasp when his eyes connected with the mess that had become my face. “What the hell happened to you baby?” He asked with genuine concern written across his features.
The first thought that came across my mind was Showtime. The second was whether or not I should confide in him, for what would probably be the first time.
“Jackie did this; she said some things about my mum, and I lost my cool.”
“You raised your hand to your aunt?” He asked incredulously and I realised image was just as important to him as it was to his family.
“Of course not. I got into a fight with some girl I used to know at school. Defending my family honour and all that, as if my aunt would ever do this,” I replied, wishing that I could feel hate, as I knew that I would probably hate h
im.
“Of course she wouldn’t. My mum would never associate herself with people like that. You know what my parents are like, family values and the way we portray ourselves are very important. There’s a lot of pressure involved when you’re a judge like my dad, he’s damn good one at that too.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him and closed them instead. He must have taken that as some sort of sign as he was suddenly pulling me into his arms.
“It’s ok. You were just doing what you thought was right, but I wish you wouldn’t let your anger get to you so much. Jackie is always talking to my mum about how worried she is about you. She honestly believes that you’re on a one-way trip to prison. I keep saying that it’s probably just a phase, but you don’t help yourself by throwing yourself into those situations. I was going to see if you wanted to come to my place later on for dinner, but I think it’s for the best if we keep you away from my family until your face is better.”
If I were a normal person, I would probably feel pissed off about that, so I decided that was exactly how I was going to act.
I pushed him away from me and jumped up onto the balls of my feet. I stared down with a sneer on my mouth and I could see from his expression that he was unsure of what he should do.
“All you care about is what your family thinks. What about me Darren? Because I’m never going to change. And you know why that is? Because I don’t want too,” I jabbed my finger into his chest, warning him to not try his usual placating bullshit..
“I happen to think that I am perfectly fine just the way I am and if you can’t accept that, then maybe you should go and find somebody else to hang off of your arm. I don’t care about the bruises and I do not appreciate you talking about me to your mother and Jackie. So, before you say anything else to make this situation worse, I suggest you leave. Now.” I made sure to shout that last word at him so that he could not confuse my intent.
He looked like he wanted to argue, so I pushed him in the chest and this time I made out as though it was an order with one simple and slightly raised word “Leave.” It looked as though his eyes glazed over for a second before he brushed the sand off of his clothes and just walked off.
My blood was pumping, I almost fooled myself into thinking that I actually was annoyed, but I knew that it had all been pretend. Although I did like the fact that it had gotten rid of him. If only I could do it more permanently, then I would have one less person to pretend with.
I debated what I should do when the feeling of being watched returned. I spun around. My eyes fell onto a guy straddling a bike. I had no idea who it was. I mean come on; he was wearing a helmet with a tinted visor pulled down. So, although I couldn’t be sure, I was pretty certain that he was the one that was causing the feeling.
I decided to confront him, so I strolled over like a girl with a purpose. It was then that he tried to start up his engine. Luckily for me, his bike was refusing to play ball and wouldn’t start so I ran over to him, closing the distance before he could get the chance to ride away. I laid my hands down on his handlebars and stared at my own reflection in his visor.
He didn’t move. He wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence, but I knew that his eyes were staring straight back at me. He looked from side to side before raising his visor a little, I still couldn’t see his eyes, but at least a part of his face was visible.
“Why the hell are you watching me?”
“Excuse me! I wasn’t doing anything of the sort. As you could probably tell I am having a few issues with my bike. In what crazy world does that mean that I am watching you? Maybe you think a little too highly of yourself, hey love?”
I actually spluttered. I wanted to give a really good retort, but I just couldn’t think of anything to say in reply. Maybe it really had all been in my head, and although I’m all for owning my mistakes, I had to be completely sure that it was one.
“So, you are telling me that you did not look at me, in any way, the entire time you have been here?”
I think he may have smirked, but it was kind of hard to tell with his helmet on.
“Hey, I’m only human. Sure I glanced but it was more out of an entertainment point of view. Watching you push that guy into the sand was rather amusing, and I’m always looking for that next laugh,” he replied with a hint of humour in his voice.
“Ahhh I see. Look I’m sorry for storming over here, obviously, I was mistaken, and I accept that. I will now get out of your way.” I removed my hands from his bike and turned around. I went to walk away when a gloved hand suddenly gripped around my wrist and I was spun back to face him.
“Did that guy do that to you?” He asked as he indicated my face. I may have actually scoffed at that. “What Darren? God no, he would never do anything like this. He’s much too good to ever do that, it would’ve been a lot easier if it had of been though,” I replied, surprising myself with my honesty, especially to an utter stranger.
He lifted his visor the rest of the way with his free hand, as his other was still tightly fixed around my wrist. I was met with a pair of cold, steel grey eyes that lacked any hint of warmth. I imagined that that must have been how mine looked to him.
“That’s a very strange way to look at it, but if he had done that to you, I would not hesitate to mow him down with my bike if I ever lay eyes on him again.”
I had no idea what to say to that. Suddenly his hand was gone and his bike was roaring to life. He closed his visor and with a tip of his head in my direction, he was gone.
Chapter Four
Lawson
Man was that girl full of surprises and unlike anything I had expected. Ok, so I lied to her but what else could I do? I wasn’t supposed to have been seen by her. I most definitely was not supposed to strike up a conversation, and did I really threaten to mow down some stupid kid?
I was sent here to keep an eye on her development, to report any signs of change that I might notice. She was only on the radar because of her ebony hair and damn did she own the colour, along with those bright green eyes, she was definitely someone to be admired. I would obviously not be the one doing the admiring.
Of course, it had taken a lot to prove myself and to gain the position that I now resided in. The only reason I had been sent was because the boss knew that I could be trusted not to mess it up, that I would not break any of his rules, and I would get the job done.
The thing was, I had noticed something. I saw what transpired between her and her boyfriend and I saw the way he walked off like he was nothing more than a mindless zombie. My mind was telling me that I should report back and inform Him of what had happened, but I kept downplaying it.
The way I saw it, she was only exhibiting one sign, which did not make her The One that he was looking for. I just had to hold out a little longer and maybe find a way to get closer to her, so when the truth was finally revealed I would be in a prime position to take her down.
Z
Unya
I was supposed to meet back up with Addy at the end of the day, but I just didn’t feel like it, so I went home instead. Luckily Jackie was out when I got back, so I quickly made myself something to eat and then retreated to my room.
My phone buzzed a little while after I’d finished eating, and a quick look revealed it to be Addy.
What happened chick, I thought we were meeting up?
Sorry hun,, Look I was planning on telling you when I saw you but something happened with Darren this morning. I’m not going to college anymore; I’ll explain in more detail later. Please don’t be mad.
I stared at my phone for a few minutes but no reply came through, which meant that she was either writing me an essay or she was really mad. I willed myself to care about the fact that I hadn’t even thought to let her know that I wasn’t going to meet her, but I couldn’t make myself feel anything. I’m sure a normal person would feel guilt, but that was the one emotion that I found exceedingly hard to fake.
I heard when Jackie came back in and double
checked to make sure that I had, in fact, locked my door, I just couldn’t be doing with her drama anymore today. I was itching to do something when my phone went off, indicating that Addy had finally replied, after nearly four hours mind you.
I’m sorry girl, I was just pissed that you ditched me,
without even a text. Again. Come to mine?
I knew that my aunt wouldn’t let me leave now, but that never stopped me in the past, so I threw on my jacket, typed a quick reply to let her know that I was on my way and climbed out the window. Luckily for me, there was a tree right by it, and I’ve been using that as my means of escape since I was fifteen.
I decided to walk to Addy’s instead of driving, seeing as Jackie would be immediately alerted to the fact that I’d just snuck out. I doubted she would come and see me tonight, she preferred to pounce when I least expected it, usually when I was headed for the door.
It was about a twenty minute walk to her house and I was making good time when a rather familiar bike drove past. I shook it off, telling myself that I was just jumping to conclusions yet again. Besides even if it had been him, it was more than likely just a coincidence. I was repeating that over and over in my mind when the bike came back down the road and slinked across at the same speed that I was walking. I glanced out of my peripheral and knew that it was, in fact, the same guy. I wanted to say something but refused to acknowledge him.
I increased my speed slightly and immediately realised the futility of the gesture, seeing as the fact that I was using my legs and he was sitting on top of an engine.
“Not even a hello, I’m crushed love,” he stated lifting his visor all the way.
“Look, I get that I probably made a fool of myself earlier, but you must admit that it seems rather conspicuous, you turning up like this all of a sudden and now you’re following me.”
