by Shari Low
‘Before I knew it, my energy was back and my fecked-up lungs were cutting me enough slack to enjoy myself. That’s what life is to me. Those people. And I’ve had them for all these years. I think I’m luckier than anyone else I know.’ It was almost like she was talking to herself now. ‘So I’ve decided I don’t want any fuss and drama and I’m not going to drag this out. And I’m telling you this on the agreement that if you repeat a word of it, I’ll shoot you.’
‘Understood,’ he said.
‘I’m going to refuse treatment. It was my first instinct this morning and I still feel the same way. The doctors said it would buy me a few more months at best, but what would they be like? All sympathetic looks and everyone tiptoeing around me. I couldn’t bloody stand it. So I won’t. And I’m not going to tell anyone until I absolutely have to either. My life is amazing, and I want to keep it just the way it is for a while longer. I’ll tell them eventually, but only when I’m ready. Or maybe I’ll get away with not telling them at all. Jesus, I could still get run over by a bus tomorrow. What’s the point of us all living in fear and worry when we can be completely bloody oblivious?’
She had a point. There was no silver lining to Juliet’s death at all. Every single thing about it had been horrific, but it had been instant, she hadn’t suffered and he hadn’t had to watch her in pain. Standing by while someone you love was in agony had to be the most painful thing anyone could go through. He understood that she didn’t want the people in her life to endure that.
‘I’m in no position to give anyone advice,’ he said. ‘I still look at my life and wonder how it went so wrong. The only thing I would say, though, is make sure your secrets don’t isolate you. If they do, if you’re staying away from people because you don’t want them to see you at your most vulnerable, then you’re doing them – and you – a disservice. You need them, and they’ll want to help you.’
She took that on board and he could see she was thinking about it.
‘I understand what you’re saying, and I’ll be careful not to do that, but until the time comes that there’s no choice but to tell them, I’m going to keep this to myself and enjoy my life exactly as it is. I had a thought today that I might not see some of the people here again. That was a punch to the soul, that was. So my mission over the next wee while is to make sure that everyone in my life knows exactly how I feel about them, because that way when the worst happens…’ Her words tailed off, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t have to say them. He’d known Josie for no more than a few hours – hell, he didn’t even know her surname – but there were very few people he’d admired more.
The sounds of feet, of singing, of hooters and laughter went from being a distant rumble to an ever-increasing warning of a party approaching.
‘Aw bugger, I was just getting the feeling back in my feet,’ she groaned, with a twinkle in her eye, leaning down to pull her boots back on.
She’d just succeeded when the conga line reached them, and Stacey’s mum, Senga, reached out and pulled Josie in, then spun around and, in a nimble move, pulled herself out of the line and plonked herself down on the seat that Josie had just vacated.
‘I’m going to need a chiropractor tomorrow if I keep this up,’ she chuckled. ‘I’m way too old for this level of exertion.’
‘If that’s true, then I’m doomed, because we’re almost the same age,’ Seb joked. Like Josie, and everyone else he’d met tonight, she spoke to him like an old friend, and strangely, that’s how he’d felt all night in their company. He’d been chatting to Senga at the buffet table earlier and he’d refused to believe that she was Stacey’s mother. And much as that sounded like the cheesiest line ever, he’d been absolutely genuine. They looked like sisters, and even then, sisters that were close in age. Senga had made him chuckle when she’d explained that she’d had Stacey when she was in her early twenties and she used “a shit-load of moisturiser.”
There was a companionable silence for a few moments before Senga spoke again.
‘I hope you don’t mind, but Josie mentioned that you recently lost your wife.’
Hearing that still took his breath away, like it was some kind of shock that he was hearing for the first time. He’d no idea when that would stop.
‘You know, I lost my husband a couple of years ago and I thought the world had ended. I wanted so much more than we got. I guess you can relate to that.’
He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
‘Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand where you are because I’ve been there. And I survived. You will too.’
‘Thank you,’ he croaked, truly touched by her kindness.
She jumped to her feet. ‘Right then, better get back in there and make sure Josie hasn’t set the place on fire. She was asking the barman for flaming sambucas earlier and he was off to google how to make them. Youngsters these days. They’ve lost all of life’s vital skills. You coming?’
Seb weighed up his options. Stay here, contemplate life, sit in his sadness, or give himself a chance to laugh, to feel something other than sorrow, for the first time in a long time.
He stood up and let her lead the way.
Thirty-Five
Josie
‘Just a heads up – Michael wants to put you in an old folks’ home,’ Avril announced, before tossing back a flaming sambuca shot that held every possibility of setting her hair extensions alight.
Josie turned to glare at him like a python, right before it unhinged its jaw and swallowed its prey.
‘I do not! Why would you say that?’ he stuttered, outraged at the suggestion.
Josie’s head spun again, this time to see her daughter giving her brother an evil smile.
‘Because you’ve always been the favourite and I wanted a glimpse of what that was like, just for a second. Ah, it felt great.’ She dissolved into a raucous laugh, and Josie couldn’t help but join in. This bloody lass was outrageous, but she wouldn’t change a single thing about her. Except perhaps Avril’s often repeated allegation that Michael was Josie’s favourite. It wasn’t true, but Avril got much mileage out of toying with them.
Having them here tonight had been the best surprise she could have wished for. They’d both said that they couldn’t make it – Michael because his wife Mel was too pregnant to fly, and Avril because she was supposed to be on location with the TV show she was working on. Josie had already learned that Mel had insisted that Michael come alone, and Avril’s shoot had been postponed because the leading man was suffering with complications from a dodgy liposuction op. Apparently he hadn’t appreciated Avril’s suggestion that he’d have had better results if he’d let her do it with Dettox spray and a Dyson.
‘I promise you, Ma, when you’re past it, we won’t put you anywhere with rules. Or without a bar. We know it wouldn’t end well,’ Michael teased her.
‘No, it would not, son. I’m glad we have an understanding.’
He took a sip of his beer and Josie’s maternal signals began to tingle. He had something on his mind. The pulse that was throbbing on the side of that big handsome face of his gave it away.
‘Right, out with it. What’s the problem?’
‘Nothing! There’s no problem…’ he blustered, just as he always had when Avril had misbehaved as a child and he was trying to cover up for her. He was naturally inclined to stick to the rules, so she’d had very little trouble with him, but his sister? Josie would never need a DNA test to prove that Avril was her child.
‘He thinks you’re getting on a bit and we should install cameras and panic buttons in your house and buy you a Zimmer.’
Michael glared at her in amused exasperation. ‘I swear to God, I’m going to put gaffer tape on your gob while you sleep.’
‘Don’t you worry, son, I’ve got this,’ Josie assured him, before rounding on Avril, who was trying her best to assimilate something approaching an innocent face.
Needless to say, she was failing miserably, so she gave up and instead, went for a
snarky, ‘Told you he was the favourite.’
Josie pursed her lips. ‘Avril Cairney, you’re not too old for me to wipe the floor with you. Now what’s going on?’
Avril sighed. ‘Okay, okay! We’re just a bit… worried about you.’
‘And why would that be?’ she challenged. Josie could feel a burning sensation creeping up her neck. Did they know? Had someone told them? The only person she’d confided in was Seb and if he’d blabbed, then so help her she would…
‘Ma, you’re in your seventies, you smoke twenty fags a day and you drink like a sailor. This shouldn’t be a newsflash.’ As always, Avril went straight to the crux of the matter, while Michael chimed in to try to soften the blow.
‘We know you’re completely bloody indestructible, Ma, but we’re allowed to worry about you.’
For some inexplicable reason, Josie found herself getting angry. ‘Well, you can stop that right now. You two are my children and it’s my job to worry about you, not the other way around. Do you hear me?’
Their chastened expressions – even Avril looked mortified – pulled her up short and she realised she may have added a bit more vehemence than intended. Christ, she was an emotional mess today. She also knew that her anger was misdirected. She was fucking furious at this bastard disease, not at these two gems sitting in front of her. Bugger, she was an old fool sometimes.
‘Look, I’m fine. I promise you. But you know, all I want is for you two and your families to have great lives. If I need you to worry about me, then I’ll let you know. Okay?’
Both of them nodded, like two teenagers that had just been given a lecture about under-age drinking. Talking of which… Josie signalled the waiter for another round of flaming sambucas, then adjusted her tone back to light-hearted and as normal as she could possibly make it.
‘Right, so tell me, how long are you staying and what’s the plan?’
‘I need to head back tomorrow,’ Michael said. ‘But I got a later flight. I thought we could have lunch and catch up?’
‘That sounds great, ma darlin’.’ It did. She could keep the pretence going for one more day, and it would be worth it to spend every moment she could with him. ‘What about you, love?’ she asked Avril.
‘Same. In fact, I think our flights are at around the same time. I was planning on joining you two for lunch, unless you want to be alone with the favourite, of course,’ she teased. Josie didn’t even rise to it, so Avril went on. ‘Sorry I couldn’t stay for Christmas, Ma. I tried to wangle a few more days, but the director is a sadist and wants us there for some kind of bonding shite while the main man waits for his infected wounds to heal. Daft tosser. Honestly, half the female population of the country fancies him and they’ve got no idea that he’s about as smart as my hair straighteners. Every time I think of spending three months on set in a remote African safari with this guy, a million more of my brain cells top themselves.’
Josie was happy to let her witter, while she tried to steady her heart and keep her composure. Christmas. The very mention of it.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to fly over with me tomorrow and spend Christmas with us? You know that Mel and the kids would love to see you. And it’ll be a while until we can get back again. We’ll need to wait a couple of months until the little one is old enough to fly.’
She thought about that for a moment, but just knew she couldn’t do it. It was one thing being exhausted and trying to deal with this thing here, where she could lock herself in the house and get a few hours’ reprieve, but it would be another thing being in someone else’s house, especially with the kids there and Mel being so heavily pregnant. Josie would want to pull her weight and take care of everyone, and it would frustrate her until the ends of the earth that she couldn’t do it.
‘Och, thanks for the offer, love, but you know I like to have Christmas in my own house. I’ve already arranged to have the whole gang over for post-dinner drinks and our Jean has been practising her karaoke number for months.’
That was all true. Josie’s house on Christmas night had been an annual fixture in the diary for years. Everyone was welcome – sometimes there were six of them and sometimes there were twenty, but every year they had a great time.
Michael understood that. ‘Okay, Ma, but you know we’ll be thinking about you, don’t you?’
Avril tutted. ‘No wonder she likes you better – you’ve got all the lines. I don’t stand a chance, do I?’
‘Absolutely not,’ he replied with a wink. ‘Watch and learn.’
Josie laughed, all anger and trepidation gone now, replaced with gratitude that these two lovely human beings were her legacy. More than that, as she watched them tease each other and giggle together, she knew that they’d always have the kind of bond that would sustain them when she… when she was no longer here. They’d be fine, these two.
‘Right, listen up, because I’m only going to say this once,’ she heard herself say. Mother of God, her mouth was on an emotional roll again. She’d laid a whole heap of sentimentality on Cammy and Caro earlier and now it was Michael and Avril’s turn. ‘I love every last bit of the two of you. I couldn’t be prouder that I somehow managed to squeeze you out of my lady bits.’
‘Urgh, you had me right up until lady bits,’ Avril groaned.
‘But we need to get something straight. I’m getting old and I’m not always going to be here.’ Michael went to interrupt her, but she put her hand up to stop him. ‘No, son, let me say this. I want you to know that the both of you are everything I could ever have hoped that you would be. Although, you’re a bit extra with that gob of yours, Avril,’ she quipped.
‘I try,’ Avril conceded, as if it was some kind of honour. ‘By the way, Mother, you should drink sambucas more often – they’re bringing out the touchy-feely stuff in you.’ She switched her gaze to Michael. ‘She’ll be chanting and embracing her inner goddess next.’
Josie grinned, shaking her head. Like her, Avril wasn’t one for public displays or declarations of affection. Well, on this occasion, she’d just have to suck it up, because there was a belter coming.
‘The two of you make me prouder than I could ever have imagined. Michael, son, you’re an incredible dad, and I’m in awe of the family and the life that you’ve built for yourself. I know that you’ll take care of Mel and the kids and they will grow up to be so grateful that you are their dad, just like I’m so grateful that you’re my son.’
For once, Avril didn’t jump in with a cheeky one liner. Michael, meanwhile, was grinning at her with that bashful expression he’d always had when anyone paid him a compliment. He was almost fifty, but to her, he was still that kid she’d held when he came out screaming on the floor of the chippy in the High Street. She’d been sure she had time to stop for a fish supper on her way to the hospital.
‘Thanks, Ma,’ he said now. ‘However I’ve turned out is all down to you.’
‘Aaargh!’ Avril threw her hands up in despair. ‘See what I mean about the suave lines!’
Josie ignored her outrage. ‘And you, ma darlin,’ she said to her, ‘you are extraordinary. You’re funny, you’re beautiful – apart from that bloody awful hair dye. Has anyone told you that Smurfs are no longer in fashion? Anyway, you’re also the quickest, smartest person I’ve ever known. I love your honesty, your individuality and your boldness. Under that smart mouth and brusque exterior, I know you’ve got the biggest heart. And you make me laugh more than anyone else on this planet. I think you’re bloody magnificent.’
‘Yasssss!’ Avril cackled, punching the air, before enveloping Josie in a hug and squeezing her so tightly Josie feared her knackered lungs would give up the ghost. Eventually, she released her. ‘We love you, Mum,’ Avril said, serious for once. Josie was grateful that it didn’t last long. ‘I’ve no idea what brought all this on, but if it’s because you’ve won the lottery and you’re about to bugger off to the Bahamas without us I’ll be raging.’
‘I’d never do that!’ Josie assured her
. ‘I’m more of a Marbella kind of chick. I’ll send you a postcard.’
‘That one’s mine!’ Avril screeched suddenly, as Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ filled the room. ‘I asked Cammy to add it to the list for me,’ she explained as she jumped up, grabbed her mother’s hand and led her to the dance floor. Michael followed behind them and Val, already busting out her trademark hip shimmy, joined them on the floor.
Josie felt a weight partially lift from her shoulders. She’d said what she needed to say. No matter what happened after this, the kids would always remember the night that she told them exactly how she felt about them.
Another two people off the list.
But there were still a couple more to go. And the last one was going to be the toughest.
Thirty-Six
Stacey
‘Aunt Josie, I’m going to go on out and get some fresh air. I’ll wait for you at the door.’
‘Okay, ma love, I’ll be right there. There are a few people who are not coming back to the hotel that I still need to say goodbye to.’
Stacey cast a glance over at her mum, Senga, deep in conversation with Seb. He was a bit of a mystery, this complete stranger who had only recently discovered that he might be Caro’s dad, but so far today, he’d been pretty impressive. He’d mingled, he’d chatted to people, and he hadn’t argued when Senga and Josie had taken turns to whisk him around the room in a particularly energetic Gay Gordons.
In fact, everyone had put the early glitches to one side, and they’d all danced, drank and celebrated in true style. Even her. All in all, it had been a good night, as far as watching the love of your life marry someone else goes.
She wandered back out to the front, to where she’d been standing when she’d dropped Jax’s call earlier that evening. She hadn’t been able to deal with it then. Now, her emotional reserves had been topped back up by a combination of champagne, laughter and the company of at least half a dozen people she loved. She’d missed this. She just hadn’t realised how much until tonight.
