I couldn’t believe my ears. Does he actually believe this stuff? I asked him just that.
“My father raised me to believe it. In fact, when I was sixteen, he caught my girlfriend and me in the middle of some heavy petting on the couch. When she went home, he dragged me to my room, and lectured me for a half hour, then beat the crap out of me.”
“He what?” I couldn’t believe my ears.
“You heard me right. He was careful not to break anything or cause any real damage, but he certainly got his message across.” He dragged in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Until I met you, I never questioned his theory again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I never thought twice about it until I fell in love with you. But once we were together, I felt guilty as hell cheating on you.”
“So why did you?”
“I just told you.”
“Let me get this straight. You couldn’t fuck me because you wanted to marry me, so you went to other girls.”
“Pretty much.”
“Did it ever occur to you not to fuck anyone?” The look on his face answered the question. “I wasn’t fucking anyone Dan, so why should you?”
I swear I haven’t said the word fuck as much in my entire life as I have in this conversation.
“Would you please stop saying fuck?” he shouted, as if reading my mind.
“Why? You seem to like the action, why not the word?”
He sucked in what I could tell was a calming breath and let it slide out through his teeth. “I think we’ve gotten off track here. I just wanted you to understand what I was thinking back then.”
“And it’s different now?”
“Yes, it is.” His eyes met mine and held, willing me to believe him. “When my parents split up, my mother broke down one night and told me why. For all the years my father was preaching his philosophy to me, it never occurred to me that he was also living it.
“I was shattered when you broke up with me, but I’ll admit I didn’t really see your side. I thought I’d give you time and you’d forgive and forget. Everything would be okay. After talking to my mother, I didn’t believe that anymore.
“My mom told me how hurt and humiliated she was and how she couldn’t understand why he’d done it. She also couldn’t believe he had the nerve to ask her for a second chance.” Dan sighed. “Right then I understood exactly how you must’ve felt.”
“How’s your mother doing now?”
He shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“Good. I always liked her.”
Dan’s jaw dropped. “That’s all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say that you understand what happened back then,” he said. “I want you to say that you see me as the man I am today, not the stupid boy I was.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “But more than anything else, I want you to say that you’ll give me another chance.” His eyes glistened with tears and were so full of emotion I had to turn away before I got pulled into their green depths.
“Why?” I asked, my voice hoarse. “Why are you doing this to me? And why now, after ten years?” I knew I sounded like a broken record asking “why” but it was the one thing I needed to know.
“Because I love you,” he answered, sounding like a broken record himself. He scooted closer and took my hand. His grasp was firm and I didn’t have the strength to pull away.
“Look at me, Bri.” Though his tone was soft, it was definitely a command. My gaze met his, hoping he couldn’t see my weakness. Hoping he wouldn’t know that I was barely holding on to my resolve.
“Why not you?” he asked. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. As far as why now…” He shrugged. “I’ve wanted to contact you for the past ten years, but I went to see you a few times right after it happened and got the door slammed in my face. I decided to give you some time to cool off. With my crazy schedule, time just got away from me, and then Lexi was born. Next thing I know, it’s ten years later.” Dan looked down and clasped his hands together, staring at them as if they held the secrets of the universe. My stomach twisted when he met my gaze again with glistening green eyes.
“When I smacked into that wall and busted my leg, I knew it was fate. It was my one chance to get you into my life without coming on too strong. I’ve been dreaming about you for years, Sabrina, but those dreams held the girl I knew. I wanted to get to know the woman you’ve become.” His eyes bore into mine. “And I find I love her more than that girl. You still have so many of the qualities I fell in love with back then, but now there’s more. So much more.” He reached over and squeezed my hand to punctuate his words. “I love talking with you. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, I just like listening to your voice, hearing your opinions. I think I’ve already mentioned that I really like the way you look.” His crooked smile set my heart racing. “And just watching you with Lexi brings tears to my eyes.”
That last sentence broke the sensual spell. I felt as though a bright light was suddenly turned on. Of course he’s interested in someone like me. He wouldn’t want one of his little groupies raising his daughter. Safe little Sabrina would be perfect for the job.
“I warned you not to do that,” I said in a venomous tone, jerking my hand away from his warm fingers.
“Do what?” He looked bewildered.
“Don’t use Lexi to get to me.”
“I’m not—”
“I know she wants a mother, but don’t toy with my emotions just to give her that.”
Dan looked furious. I was just about to scoot away when he jumped off the bed. He stood with his back to me for several seconds, combing his fingers through his hair, and taking deep breaths.
My own anger faded into a combination of weariness and regret. When Dan faced me again, his eyes still glowed with anger, though his face had softened.
“Obviously the damage I did back then can’t be undone. You still think I’m an asshole and I guess I’ll have to live with that.” He sighed. “I won’t bring this up again, I promise.”
That said, he turned and left the room.
19
Sabrina
“I think that’s ten,” Dan said, halting his actions. “I can do more if you’d like,” he offered.
I had expected him to be brooding and quiet at therapy this morning, but that wasn’t the case. He’s as affable as ever and I have to admit it’s thrown me off, and as a result, I haven’t been paying attention.
“No,” I said. “No more.”
Dan moved on to his next set of exercises and my mind wandered once again. Our conversation last night had been pretty intense. I can’t believe he’s acting so nonchalant, so…normal. I’d tossed and turned half the night thinking about it.
I admit that I’m afraid. If I let him in, I don’t think I could survive it if he hurt me again. I worry that I’m a challenge, and Dan is nothing if not competitive. Have I made myself more attractive to him by turning him down?
I frowned. If that’s the case, then what was our relationship in college all about? Sure, I gave him a hard time when he asked me out initially, but after that it was smooth sailing. If the thrill of the chase was the attraction, why did he stay with me for two years? And if he really was so in love with me, so attracted to me, why didn’t he sleep with me?
The last question could be answered by what he told me last night. If his father had pounded those theories into his head—literally and figuratively—his actions are understandable. But, as I pointed out to him, he could have simply gone without. Is that concept so ridiculous?
If fidelity was so foreign to him then, why would he be any good at it now? A leopard doesn’t change his spots, after all.
Then again, aside from that night his college buddies brought them, there haven’t been any women around. Lexi said he never dates. If he keeps his women away from her, he really must be slowing down because from what I’ve seen and heard,
he’s with her all the time.
A loud noise snapped me from my thoughts. I looked at Dan, who was glaring at me.
“What was that?”
“I dropped the weights,” he growled. “I’m finished with my routine.”
My mouth dropped. “But…” I stammered.
“But what?” He arched his brow. The too-knowing look on his face told me that, once again, my every thought had been obvious.
Not knowing what else to say, I apologized for my lack of professionalism. I’m here to do a job and today, I didn’t do it. My apology made Dan’s scowl even more pronounced.
“Forget about it.”
Those three words couldn’t have sounded more formidable if they came from the Godfather himself.
“I really am sorry. This has never happened to me before. I’ve always been totally focused on my job. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”
His intense stare made me feel like a specimen under a microscope. “Your problem is that you’re too busy trying to convince yourself that what you’re mistakenly thinking is true instead of paying attention to the facts in front of you.” Rubbing his hand down his face, he shook his head and stood. “But I’m too tired to rehash this. I’ll see you later.”
“Let me ice your knee first,” I said, attempting to gain some control.
“I’ll do it myself,” he mumbled, his back to me as he walked toward the steps.
I didn’t want to analyze the feeling of loss that came over me, so I decided to exercise. During my teenage years, I would have chosen to eat my way through something like this, but now I deal with things in a more mature fashion…I work-out until I can’t move or think.
“Sabrina?”
I don’t know how long I was at it when Lexi’s voice broke into my routine. Not that it was much of a routine. My body had been on autopilot, performing a series of exercises it knew by heart.
“Hey, Lex.” I sat and wiped my face with a towel.
She studied me a minute before asking, “You okay?”
Oh hell, can she see through me too?
“I’m fine.” I wiped my neck and chest and dangled the towel between my knees. “Why do you ask?”
She shrugged. “You look kinda sad.” After roaming around the room, her eyes met mine again. “So does my dad.”
I don’t want to hear this, so I tried to change the subject. “What are your plans for the day?”
“Nothing.”
“No?” Lexi always had something planned. Whether she was hanging out with one of her many friends, or spending time with Dan or Jeff, she was always on the go.
She shook her head. “I’m just gonna hang out today. What are you doing?”
“Well, right now I think I need a shower. Then I thought I’d head to the mall. Want to come along?”
Lexi’s eyes rounded. “Definitely.”
“Great. You go ask you dad if it’s okay while I shower. I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a half hour.”
I have no idea what prompted me to invite Lexi to go shopping with me. What made me want to go shopping in the first place is another mystery. Not being much of a shopper, the mall is, generally speaking, not my favorite refuge. Yet today, it seemed like the thing to do in order to escape Dan’s presence. And since Lexi loves shopping, I invited her along. At the time, I thought she’d be a distraction from the whole Dan situation, but instead she seems to be adding to it.
“Daddy” came out of her mouth more often than not, and if I have to listen to one more story about him, I just might scream. Lexi finished telling me about the time she and Dan won the relay race at her school on field day and before she could start up with something else, I spoke up.
“Are you hungry?”
“Sure.”
“What do you feel like eating?”
She scrunched her nose. “Hmmm, maybe pizza. The place in the food court makes really good pizza.”
I spotted a sign that directed us to the food court and kept talking, not giving her a chance to start up about Dan again. Only, after having her list all the food choices available in the mall and remarking on our purchases of the day, I had nothing else to say.
We both ordered two slices of pizza and sweet tea then found a table. After taking two bites of the cheesy concoction, Lexi once again relayed a story of Dan. Every word she spoke was pure agony. I had to keep reminding myself that Dan the father and Dan the man are two separate entities. His love for his daughter is obvious to anyone, but would he act the same way with a woman he loves?
Lexi finished her dissertation on every amusement park Dan had ever taken her to.
“You’re lucky to have such a great dad,” I replied, hoping to put an end to the whole subject of Dan.
“He’s really great.” She took a bite of pizza, chewed, swallowed, and added, “Don’t you think he’s nice?”
“Yes, he’s wonderful,” I said, hoping an eight-year-old wouldn’t pick up on the trace of sarcasm in my tone.
“So why are you two fighting?”
“We’re not.”
“They why do you both look sad?”
“Oh honey, I’m just tired.”
“Then why didn’t you talk to him before we left the house? You didn’t even say good-bye to each other,” she pointed out.
Now I understand why my friends who have children always talk about how “kids can sense things” and how “they don’t miss a trick.”
“We’re not fighting, exactly.” I’d hoped that would be a good enough explanation, but from the determined look on her face, it obviously wasn’t going to be. I sighed. “We just had a slight disagreement. It’s no big deal. Really. Nothing important.”
“You sure?” She picked up her sweet tea and took a long draw on the straw until slurping noises were heard.
“I’m sure.” I placed our empty plates on the tray in front of me. “Are you all finished?” She nodded. “Good. I think we have time to hit a couple more stores before we have to head out.”
Without answering, Lexi picked up our tray, walked to the garbage can, tipped the contents inside and placed the tray on top. “Sabrina,” she said as we walked through the mall once again.
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad that you and Daddy aren’t really mad at each other.” I didn’t know how to comment, so I didn’t. “I love Daddy, but I always hoped my mom would come back so we could be a real family. I don’t want anything to ruin that.”
Dan
I flipped the TV on to break the deafening silence. With Mrs. Evans on vacation, Jeff out, and Lexi shopping with Sabrina, I swear I could hear my breath echo through the house. Since I’m generally surrounded by the team or hanging out with Lexi, I usually relish quiet, but today it’s driving me crazy. Probably because with the lack of noise, I can hear all the thoughts and doubts running through my head.
What the fuck am I going to do about Sabrina?
I chuckled out loud at my own question. I’m not going to do anything about Sabrina. She made it pretty clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me. The fact that she couldn’t even pay attention during my therapy session tells how little she wants to deal with me. Even when she first came to work here, she did her job flawlessly. I don’t know what to think about what happened in my gym earlier.
The thought of Sabrina leaving in a few weeks is depressing, but something I’m obviously going to have to get used to. I’ll just focus on getting better and deal with whatever comes later. What else can I do?
“Daddy!”
Lexi’s voice woke me from a dead sleep. I twisted and pushed myself up on the couch just as she entered the room.
“Hey, how was shopping?”
She jumped onto the couch next to me and I kissed her forehead.
“Good. We got our nails done,” she said, wiggling her bright pink fingernails in my face.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Sabrina hovering in the doorway. I looked up and said, “What color are yours?”
&
nbsp; She blushed and held her hand up, flashing the same nail color as Lexi.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she said.
“No, nail polish is fine.”
“Daddy paints my nails for me all the time,” Lexi said. “Sometimes he lets me paint his, too.”
I put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, tickling her belly.
“That’s supposed to be our secret,” I said.
She giggled. “Sorry,” she said, sounding anything but.
I saw Sabrina watching us, looking uncertain. I guess that’s better than pissed off and hurt like she’d looked last night.
“Lexi, you forgot your bag,” she said, holding out a small, blue bag.
“You made Sabrina go to Connie’s?” I asked, referring to the little girl’s retail heaven whose logo is on the bag in Sabrina’s hand.
“She wanted to,” Lexi said.
I looked my daughter in the eye. “Really?”
Lexi nodded, then said. “She never shopped at Connie’s and I told her how awesome it is and she said she wanted to go.”
I looked at Sabrina and raised my brow.
Lexi hopped off the couch and ran to Sabrina’s side to get the bag.
“It was fine,” Sabrina said. “We had fun. Thanks for letting her come with me.”
Lexi returned to my side and pulled out her bounty. A t-shirt with a glittery smiling cupcake, matching socks, and a purple headband. She held the shirt up and said, “Don’t you just love it?”
“I do love it,” I said. “Do they have one in my size?”
On the Mend (Carolina Waves Series Book 1) Page 13
