She pulls away, her eyes bulging with fear. “No! My parents can’t see me like this.”
“But you’re not wearing a coat,” I say. “You’re going to freeze out here.”
“No!” She shakes her head. “Please, Emma. I can’t.” She looks so panicked, I don’t push it.
“Fine.” I nod. “We’ll go to the sports center then. It’s only a block away. It’ll be open, and we can go inside and talk. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I peel off my hoodie and offer it to her. “Put this on. It’s a bit sweaty, but it’s warm.”
“What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me,” I say, pushing the top into her arms. “You’re wearing a T-shirt. You’ve got goose bumps on your goose bumps.” I snap the arm of my long-sleeved shirt. “This is thermal. I’ll be fine.”
We jog the block to the sports center without talking. Jen isn’t crying anymore. But the second we step inside—whoosh—on come the waterworks again. The people standing nearby start to stare, so I steer Jen into the washroom.
Since I have no tissues, I grab a fistful of toilet paper from one of the cubicles. She swipes at her tears and blows her nose. I wet some paper towels. She wipes her face.
I wait until she’s breathing normally again and then say, “So tell me what’s wrong.”
Tears start streaming down her cheeks again.
She’s clearly hurting so much that I tear up too.
“Oh, Emma!” She can barely choke out the words. “You were right.”
My body stiffens, and cold dread shoots up my spine. I know what she’s going to say. A heavy metal door inside my brain slams shut. No. Not again.
“Ross,” she squeaks. “He…he...”
I shake my head. “Shhhh.” She doesn’t need to say anything. I pull her into a hug, and her pain becomes mine. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I say as we slide down the wall to the floor. She buries her face in my shoulder, as broken as a person can be, and together we cry. “It’s going to be okay.” I rock her and stroke her hair. “Everything is going to be okay.”
I don’t know how it can be, but if I keep saying it, maybe it’ll be true.
Chapter Eleven
While we sit huddled together on the washroom floor, a couple of little girls in hockey uniforms burst in, giggling. As soon as they see us, their laughter dries up. They spin back toward the door and scurry out before it’s even had a chance to close.
“Come on, Jen.” I drag myself to my feet and offer her a hand up. “We can’t stay here.”
She stands, wipes her eyes on her sleeve and takes several deep breaths.
I reach into the pockets of my sweatpants. My phone is in one and a ten-dollar bill is in the other. I wave the money at her. “Let’s get a hot chocolate. Then we can talk.”
Jen’s hands fly up to her face. “But I look terrible. I don’t want people to see me. What will they say?”
She sounds like me, and I realize I’m past worrying about that stuff. I grab her hand and head for the exit. “Probably nothing. You find us a couple of seats away from the crowd while I get our drinks.”
We end up sitting at a window overlooking an empty ice rink. Except for a kid trying to escape his mother, nobody comes near us. The hot chocolate seems to have a calming effect on Jen, because somehow she manages to tell her story with a minimum of tears. She dabs at her face once in a while with the napkins I grabbed at the canteen.
“The party was rocking. Marty Benson’s parents were out for the evening, so of course the music was loud, people were dancing, laughing, talking…” She shrugs. “You know—having fun. Ross said he wanted to show me something upstairs, so I followed him. When we got to the top, he pulled me into a dark corner next to a hallway. And he kissed me.”
She pauses and looks at me. “I was okay with that. I kissed him back.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “And that’s when everything went wrong. He kissed me again, but this time he pressed me against the wall and stuck his hand under my sweater. I tried to pull away, but I couldn’t move—not my body, not my head, nothing. I was trapped. I kind of squeaked—that’s as much of a scream as I could manage. That’s when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. It was a guy, though I couldn’t really see who. Ross saw him too, and without letting me go, he growled over his shoulder, We’re kind of busy here, man.”
“And the guy left?” I ask in disbelief. “He had to have noticed you were struggling.”
She shrugs again. “I don’t know if he did or not. But yeah, he left. And that’s when Ross forced me down the hall and into a bedroom. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a bed, and he was on top of me. When I screamed, he just laughed. He said no one would hear me over the noise of the party. And even if they did, they wouldn’t care. Everyone knew I was crazy about him, and they would just think we were making out.” A tear rolls down her cheek. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to stop him.”
I give her a hug. “I know,” I say, because I do.
“Emma?”
“Uh-huh?”
“What if—what if I’m pregnant?”
I shake my head. “You’re probably not.”
“But what if I am?”
“Like I said, you’re probably not. But if you are, you have choices. Your mom will know what to do.”
She pulls away. “I can’t tell my mom! I can’t tell either of my parents. I’ll just die if they find out! And what if Ross blabs to all his friends? The whole school will know.”
I heave a huge sigh. Suddenly I’m Mrs. Hargrove, and Jen is me. I squeeze her hand. “I know you think your parents will be shocked and ashamed, Jen. But they won’t be.”
“You don’t know that!” she wails.
“Yes, I do. You forget—I know your parents almost as well as you do. They’ve always been there for you no matter what. They’ll be there for you now too.”
As I reassure Jen, I feel a twinge of envy. I wish I could say the same about my parents. “You’re not alone, Jen,” I say. “Remember that. You’ve got me, and you have your family. You’re going to get through this.”
Jen and I spend another hour at the sports center. We’re not even close to being talked out, but Jen’s parents haven’t seen her since she left for the party last night. I worry that when they realize she’s not in the house, they’ll call the police. Besides, I’ve finally convinced Jen she needs to tell them what happened. A call home is the first step. She puts the phone on Speaker.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Jennifer, where are you? I was just going to start calling your friends. I know you came home last night. I heard you come in, but when did you leave again?” “I’m sorry, Mom.” Jen grimaces. “The thing is, something happened at the party, and it really got to me. I didn’t want to talk about it, so I stayed in my room this morning. But when I saw Emma run past our house, I realized I did need to talk to someone. We’re at the sports center.”
“I’m sorry you’re upset, honey,” her mother says. “Does it have something to do with Ross?”
Jen bites her lip and tears up again. “Yes.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have Emma to talk to, but you can always talk to your old mom too, you know.”
“I know, Mom. That’s why I’m calling. I’m on my way home, and I wanted to make sure you’d be there.”
When Jen hands the phone back, her hands are shaking. “Oh, Emma. I’m so scared.”
“I know you are,” I say. “It’s natural. And it’s okay. But you’ll feel a lot better once you’ve talked with your parents.” I stand up. “Come on. I’ll walk you home.”
Jen phones me first thing Sunday morning. She says she told her parents everything. But she still sounds worried and asks me to come over. So I wolf down a piece of toast, throw on some clothes and tear off to her house.
Her mom answers the door. Her eyes are sad and swollen, but she tries to smile and gives me a big hug. “You’re a good friend, Emma Kennedy,”
she says, squeezing me tightly before letting go. “Jen is in her room.”
I tap lightly on the door and let myself in. Jen is sitting on her bed amid a pile of used tissues. I sit beside her and give her a hug. “You okay?”
She nods. “Better than I was yesterday. You were right about my parents. They don’t blame me at all. But they are really upset.”
“I saw your mom,” I say. “I could tell she’s been crying.”
Jen nods again. “We all cried—all afternoon and evening. Well, Mom and I did anyway. Dad cried too for a while, but then he got mad. He said he was going to lop off Ross’s balls. He even grabbed his coat and headed for the door. I was so scared. Thank goodness Mom stopped him before he could leave. It took a lot of talking, but she finally convinced him that going after Ross wouldn’t do any good.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I say. “Cutting off his balls would for sure stop him from raping more girls.”
Jen’s eyebrows shoot up, but she doesn’t argue with me. “Mom’s going to make a doctor’s appointment for me tomorrow.”
“That’s good.” I pat her hand.
“She thinks maybe I should see a counselor too.”
“I told you your mom would know what to do.”
She frowns. “My parents want me to go to the police.”
There’s a long pause as we both think about that. Then I ask, “Are you going to?”
Jen shuts her eyes and drags her hands down her face. “I don’t know. I’m so confused—and scared. I don’t want people to find out.”
I nod. “I know. I feel the same.” Then I have a thought. I grab her hand. “What if—” But I stop in midsentence.
“What if what?” Jen says.
I shake my head. “Never mind. It’s a bad idea.”
“Tell me,” she insists.
“I was going to say, what if we went to the police together?”
She frowns. “What good would that do? It would just be our word against Ross’s.”
“But there are two of us,” I point out.
“So what? We have no proof.”
I sigh. She’s right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve argued with myself about this so many times. How could I possibly think it would be different now just because Jen’s going through the same thing?
“And if Ross got off,” she continues, “we’d look like sluts and liars to the whole world.”
I pound the bed with my fists. “I know. But that’s so wrong! Ross is the one who’s a rotten person. Not us!”
Then Jen completely changes the subject. “You must hate me,” she says.
That catches me by surprise. “Why would I hate you?”
“Because when you needed a friend, I wasn’t there. Because I didn’t believe you. Because I trusted Ross instead of you.”
I wave away her concerns. “Forget it. The guy is a freaking fountain of charm. He sucked us both in.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure. At first I thought he was a dream come true. I realized too late that he’s actually my worst nightmare.”
Jen is paranoid about going to school on Monday, but I remind her that nobody except Ross—and now her parents and me—actually know what happened at the party. If she acts normal, people won’t suspect a thing. I don’t know how much of that she buys, but she goes to class, and when we meet up at our lockers at lunchtime, she seems less stressed.
Until Ross shows up.
“Hey, Jen,” he says, grinning. “Great party Friday night, don’t you think? How about we get together again—say, next weekend?”
The color drains from her face, and she almost falls into her locker, trying to get away from him.
I give him a shove, but he doesn’t move, and the scary memory of how he overpowered me flashes through my head. I don’t let it show. “Get lost, Schroeder.”
He just laughs. “Oh, Emma, don’t hurt me.” Then he heads for Jen again.
“I said, get lost,” I growl, pushing him again—harder.
This time he shoves me back with enough force to send me stumbling into the hallway. “I’m telling you for the last time, Emma—butt out.”
I fly back to the lockers, wedging myself between him and Jen. “I’ll meet you in the cafeteria,” I tell Jen. “Go.” Then I turn my attention to Ross. I’m shaken up, but I’m angry too. “And I’m telling you for the last time, stay away from Jen.”
He leers at me. “You threatened me before. Remember? But you’ve got nothing,” he sneers. Then he leans in close and growls into my ear, “I, on the other hand, have plenty. If you don’t start minding your own business, I’m going to tell the whole school exactly how easy you are.”
“So do it,” I shoot back, determined to stand up to him. “Everyone already knows you got me pregnant. The only thing they don’t know is that you raped me. And you raped Jen too. I’m guessing that’s the only way you can get a girl to have sex with you. Maybe everybody in school should know that.”
“You’re a big talker,” he says. “But we both know you’ve got no backbone. You won’t say a word.”
As I watch him swagger down the hall, I am torn between rage and despair. I so want him to be wrong.
Chapter Twelve
When I catch up with Jen, she’s standing behind the cafeteria door.
“What are you doing there?” I ask as she comes out of hiding. She looks totally stressed.
She glances uneasily toward the packed cafeteria. “I didn’t want to go in alone.” Then she adds, “Actually, I don’t want to go in at all. Ross could’ve blabbed his version of what happened to someone—maybe to everyone!”
I open my mouth to tell her not to worry, but then I close it again. She has every right to be worried—and good reason too. Ross is not exactly a moral guy. As far as he’s concerned, he scored with Jen. Why wouldn’t he spread the word?
“Come on,” I say, doing a quick turn around and heading back down the hall.
Jen hurries after me. “Where are we going?”
“To get our coats. We’ll go eat somewhere else. That coffee shop on Mountain Road maybe. It’s far enough away that we won’t see anyone from school. You have your car, right?”
She nods.
As Jen opens her locker to get her coat, a paper flutters down from the top shelf.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” She picks it up off the floor. When she gasps, I take the paper and read it too.
I was at the volleyball party Friday night, and I saw you and Ross in the upstairs hallway. I knew you were trying to get away from him, but I thought I should mind my own business. I was wrong. I should have helped you. When I heard Ross bragging to a couple of guys after you left, I knew I’d messed up. Ross runs his mouth pretty good. You’re not the first girl he’s pressured into having sex. I have a sister, and if some guy did that to her, I’d want to kill him. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t fix things, but if you go to the police—and I think you should—I’ll back you up. I promise. I’ll tell them what I saw. –Alex Kowalski
Jen and I exchange looks.
“Alex must be the guy I told you about,” she says.
I nod.
“So now what?”
“I don’t know,” I reply. “We need to talk.”
The restaurant is busy, but Jen and I find a table for two in a corner.
“I hate this,” she says, rattling her teacup around on the saucer. “Every time I think about what happened, I feel so ashamed. So dirty.”
I know exactly how she feels, because I feel that way too. But I don’t tell her that. “It’s not your fault,” I say instead.
“That’s not what people think.”
“People will think what they want. It doesn’t change anything. You didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. We were victims.”
“Nobody cares about that. We were raped. It makes us a juicy gossip item. Nobody cares if we were victims.”
“We have to make them care. Don’t
you see? Alex said he’d say what really happened. He saw what Ross was doing. That’s a witness, Jen. That’s proof.”
“But that doesn’t mean anyone will believe him.”
“His word, your word, my word—things are looking better all the time.”
“But if we go to the police, the whole world will know. It could even end up in the newspaper. We might as well tattoo I had sex with Ross Schroeder on our foreheads. I would just die!”
I shake my head. “You wouldn’t die. Believe me, over the last couple of months there have been times I thought I would die too. Sometimes I even wanted to. But I’m still here. The staring, the gossiping, the mean notes, being alone, doubting myself—I survived it all. And if you have to, you will too. If Ross is bragging like Alex says he is, kids at school are going to find out, so you might as well accept that there’s going to be gossip. You’ll feel like dirt, but you won’t die.” I smile. “And you know what they say—what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
“Are you stronger?” she says.
I think back to where my head was after Ross raped me and where it is now. I smile again. “I will be. And so will you. We just need time.”
“I don’t think so. Ever since it happened, I’ve been afraid. I’m afraid people will find out. I’m afraid of being alone. But I’m afraid of being around people too. I’m especially afraid of Ross. But not just him. All guys. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust any guy again.”
I nod. “I worry about that too. But listen to me. Before…before the rape I knew there were guys like Ross. I just never thought I’d run into one. What makes this awful isn’t that we had sex. I used to look forward to my first time. I just never expected it to be against my will. I thought it would be a mutual thing with somebody I cared about, who cared about me.
“Ross has wrecked that for me. For you too. And no matter how badly we want to go back, we can’t undo what happened. We can never be who we were before. That doesn’t mean we have to spend the rest of our lives being scared. There are still great guys out there. But we’re never going to meet them if we keep thinking like victims. We have to stop feeling guilty. We have to stop hiding. We didn’t do anything wrong. We need to believe that. And we need to fight back. I say we take Ross down.”
Girls Like Me Page 5
