Even with different surnames, I should have realized it.
For so long, I’ve done everything in my power not to think about the man Peter killed. Or his family. I’d relegated the information to the back of my brain and locked it safely away. The guilt and sorrow were too heavy to carry around on a daily basis.
Only now do I realize why the photographs had seemed so eerily familiar. After the accident, there had been a slew of articles splashed across the front page of the paper and stories reported on the local news. Every time I’d caught sight of the pictures, it had been like a sucker punch to the gut. There had been one of him in his football uniform the last year he played in the NFL, and then one of his family. It’s the same image displayed on Brayden’s mantle.
Nausea churns at the bottom of my belly until it feels like I’m going to heave everything I’ve recently ingested. I don’t know how much longer I can withstand this. I can’t even look at Brayden without wanting to cry.
When fresh tears sting my eyes, I tilt my face toward the hot spray and allow the water to wash them away. It’s only when my emotions are wrestled under control that I twist the handle and turn off the steady stream of water before stepping out and grabbing a towel. After drying off, I wrap the plush cotton material around my body and stand in front of the mirror. I swipe my hand over the fogged-up glass and glance at the haunted reflection that stares back at me.
You have to tell him.
It’s only right that he knows the truth.
Fresh bile rises in my throat.
Once he understands how our pasts are entwined, he’ll despise me. And I can’t blame him for that. I would despise me, too.
My shoulders collapse under the crushing weight of that knowledge before I swing away from the mirror, unable to look at myself any longer. I grab a second towel from the sleek, silver rack and dry my hair before running a brush through the long strands.
The time we’ve spent at the cabin has been amazing. I feel so much closer to Brayden than I did two short days ago. But now there’s this huge secret weighing me down, pinning me to the Earth. There’s no way this information won’t blow our entire relationship to smithereens. Shrapnel will be everywhere. There’s no doubt in my mind that this will alter the path we’ve been on and send us careening through the atmosphere, never to be the same again.
You have to tell him.
The backs of my eyes burn as I grab the door handle and open it before stepping inside Brayden’s room. As soon as I do, his head swivels, gaze coasting over my towel-clad body. A smile curves the edges of his lips as heat ignites in his dark eyes.
He wouldn’t look at you like that if he knew the truth.
In fact, he wouldn’t look at you at all.
You would cease to exist.
Those thoughts are like a knife to my heart.
He holds out his hand. “Come here, baby.”
The words are perched on the tip of my tongue. All I have to do is force them out. And I have to do it now. If he touches me, I’ll lose my nerve and won’t be able to tell him.
My tongue darts out to moisten my lips. “Brayden.”
“Come here,” he repeats, voice dipping lower, strumming something deep inside me.
“We need to talk.” Even as I push out the words, I gravitate toward him. It’s like there’s an invisible string connecting us.
“We can talk later. I need you now.”
His fingers lock around mine as he tugs me closer to the bed until I’m tumbling into his arms. My towel unravels before floating to the floor. And then I find myself sprawled out on top of his hard body.
My strength wavers as I open my mouth to make one final attempt. Instead of giving me a chance to clear my conscience, his other hand slides into my hair and cups the back of my skull, forcing my lips to his. Once his tongue delves inside my mouth, I’m lost on a rising sea of sensation. Before I can fully grasp what’s happening, I’m flipped onto my back as Brayden looms over me. He’s propped up on his elbows so the full weight of his body doesn’t rest on me as his mouth roves hungrily over mine.
Every last thought of doing what’s right vanishes as arousal bursts to life in my core. It licks like fire over every misgiving that has taken up residence inside me. If I’m being completely honest, there’s a tiny part that’s grateful for his hunger. For his forcefulness. It allows me to ignore everything that has been gnawing at me for the last couple of hours. And really...is there any harm to giving in?
What I need more than anything is to feel Brayden’s touch one last time before I reveal the truth and our relationship is forever changed.
I find myself capitulating as my mouth meets his greedy one. My arms rise until my fingers can tangle in his thick hair and hold him close. There’s a desperateness to my movements. I want to hang on to Brayden forever, even though I realize that it’s impossible. It’s doubtful that we’ll make it through the weekend intact.
I understand this, even if he does not.
Instead of fucking me furiously, which is how our sex can be, Brayden slows things down. His kisses become more languid, as if we have all the time in the world to explore. He angles his head one way before tilting it the other. He licks at my mouth, peppering caresses along my chin and throat before sinking lower to my breast. One crested nipple gets drawn into the warmth of his mouth before he showers the same amount of attention on the other. I arch my back, wanting to be as physically close to him as possible.
I can’t help but already mourn this relationship.
No matter how this plays out, nothing will be the same between us. Brayden will never look at me as he does now, and that realization floods me with bitterness. Unaware of the thoughts that are circling through my head, he caresses his way from my rib cage to my belly before settling between my thighs. He presses a kiss against the top of my slit before tonguing my pussy. A whimper escapes from me as I widen my legs. Nothing feels as amazing as his face buried between my thighs.
I wish it were possible to live in this moment, this space, forever. But it’s not. At some point, reality will crash down on both of our heads. As soon as those thoughts attempt to take root inside my brain, I shove them away. If this is the last time we’ll be together, I want to enjoy it to the fullest.
He licks at me, teasing my flesh until I’m arching against his mouth. It doesn’t take much before I’m splintering apart beneath his clever tongue. As I fall back to Earth, he presses a tender kiss against me before crawling up my limp form. With one swift movement, he yanks the boxers down his hips and thighs before kicking off the material until he’s as naked as I am.
Our gazes lock and hold as he slides deep inside my heat. Unlike this morning, there’s no teasing or games. He cages me in with his arms as my legs wrap around his waist, securing his body to mine until we are one. There is an intensity that fills his dark eyes as they stay trained on mine. So much emotion is conveyed in that one look.
Even though I came only moments ago, I feel the stirrings of an orgasm deep in my core. Except this time, there’s something different about it. It’s almost as if our connection has been strengthened. A powerful emotion that refuses to be denied.
As Brayden thrusts inside me, our bodies fall into a natural rhythm. His fingers find mine before lacing them together. It would be impossible for us to be more attuned with each other. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I’ve never felt this kind of bond with anyone else. It’s as if we are truly one. When my body convulses again, Brayden dives headfirst over the edge with me, holding my gaze the entire time before collapsing. His harsh and labored breath echoes in my ear until it’s the only sound I’m cognizant of. That and the heavy weight pinning me to the mattress are what ground me in the moment. Otherwise, I would float away into the atmosphere.
“Sydney?”
It takes effort to blink back to awareness.
His gaze searches mine before he whispers, “I love you.”
My heart twists painfully beneath my breast
. Instead of echoing the sentiment, I keep the words trapped deep inside where they can’t inflict further damage. How can I share what I truly feel when I haven’t been honest with him?
Sorrow and regret churn through me, threating to swallow me whole as I bury my face against his chest and wish for what feels like the hundredth time that everything could be different between us.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Brayden
I scoop up a pair of boxers from the floor and toss them into my bag before glancing around the bedroom to make sure I’ve got everything. Even though it’s still early, we’re packing up and getting ready to head back to Western. The past thirty-six hours sped by way too quickly. It’s like I blinked and it was time to go. I wish we could stay at the cabin for a couple more days, but that’s not possible. We both have school and athletic commitments that can’t be missed.
My gaze flits to Sydney. She’s standing on the other side of the bed, gathering up her belongings. She’s been unusually quiet since we woke up this morning. I’m not sure if it’s because, like me, she wishes it were possible to keep the real world at bay for a bit longer, or if there’s something else going on.
Uncertainty mushrooms up inside me as I draw one side of my lip between my teeth and chew on it. Is she quiet because I blurted out my feelings last night? Did the declaration make her uncomfortable? It’s just that the moment had felt so right. And the words had been circling in the back of my mind, clawing at me, fighting to break free. Maybe I should have beaten back the urge and given it more time.
But that hadn’t been possible. The sex had been different last night. Instead of a means for physical release, it felt deeper and more profound. The funny thing is that I’d thought Sydney had been with me every step of the way and experienced it, too.
Afterward, she’d clung to me before falling asleep wrapped up in my arms. I’d woken up this morning with the urge to make love to her one last time before we hit the road, but the sheets beside me had been empty. Already cool from her absence. I’d found her sitting in the kitchen, staring out the window. Her aloof behavior takes me back to how it was before we decided there was nothing fake about this relationship. Something has shifted, and I’m not sure what it is, but I’m going to damn well find out.
After the closeness we shared last night, this conversation feels awkward. “Is everything all right?” When Sydney glances up, skewering me with her bright green gaze, I tack on, “You seem...off.” That’s a major understatement, but I’m not sure what else to say.
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other before breaking eye contact, dropping it to the bed. If I needed further confirmation that something isn’t right, I have it. What’s strange is that Sydney has always been a straight shooter. It’s one of her personality traits that I admire most. If there’s something going on in her head, she’ll tell you about it. Whether you want to know or not.
So why isn’t she doing that now?
Why is she holding back?
A long silence ensues, and the muscles in my gut twist into a series of complicated knots. Emotion flickers across her face and everything inside me sinks. “Sydney?”
If I hadn’t realized it before, I do now—blurting out my feelings last night had been an epic mistake. She wasn’t ready to hear them. All I’ve done is push her away when I only wanted to hold her close.
Uncertain how to rectify the situation, I plow my fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry about springing my feelings on you,” I mumble, feeling like an ass. “I know we haven’t been together that long.” I jerk my shoulders, unsure how to explain without fucking things up any further than they already are. How do I convey that nothing feels more right in my life than she does? Then we do? “Maybe it was too much too soon.”
Here’s a bit of irony—I’ve never told anyone except for my parents that I loved them. I’ve never dated anyone long enough to develop strong emotions. Or maybe I didn’t allow myself to go there for whatever reason.
And now that I have...
She wasn’t ready to hear it. Hell, if a girl told me that she loved me, I’d run for the hills.
That’s exactly what Kira did, and it freaked me out. I mean, come on, we weren’t even going out. That girl didn’t love me. How could she possibly when she didn’t even know the real me?
But Sydney does. She understands me better than anyone else. I’ve shared stuff with her that I’ve always held deep inside.
Her fingers freeze on the shirt she’s holding. Her eyes stay lowered, pinned to the duffle she’s in the process of packing. Is this really what it’s come to? She can’t meet my gaze or give me a straight-up answer?
“What’s going on?” My fingers flex with the need to wrap around her. The scary part is that I can feel her slipping away and I have no idea how to stop it. Before I realize it, I’m on the move, stalking around the queen-sized bed and pulling her into my arms. “You need to tell me what the problem is. How else can we fix it?”
When she refuses to look me in the eyes, I grab hold of her chin and lift it so that she has no other choice but to meet the intensity of my gaze. A strange mixture of guilt and grief flash across her face. Nothing about this conversation—if that’s what you want to call it—makes sense. All I know is that my insides are being eaten alive by nerves.
“Talk to me,” I plead.
Why won’t she tell me what’s going on?
What the hell could be so wrong?
Sydney sucks in a long, shuddering breath, holding it captive inside her lungs before forcing it back into the atmosphere. “This isn’t working.”
I blink. “What?”
Her tongue darts out nervously to moisten her lips before she whispers, “This isn’t working, Brayden.”
Those four words are enough to make my heart skip a painful beat before jackhammering into overdrive against my rib cage.
What’s not working?
Wait a minute...
My mouth drops open. “Are you saying that the two of us together isn’t going to work?” I can only stare in shock. “You want to break up?”
When her gaze darts away and she remains silent, I growl, “Sydney!”
Her eyes widen before snapping back to mine. “Yes, I do.”
I shake my head as if to clear it, but it doesn’t help. No matter what I was expecting her to say, this wasn’t it. Not by a long shot. “I don’t understand. Why?”
“It’s just...”
When her voice dies a slow death, I’m left hanging. Or maybe I’m in free fall. I have no idea. This conversation doesn’t feel real.
“It’s just what, Syd? Tell me what the hell is going on here, because I don’t understand any of it. I’d thought everything was good. I’d thought we were good.”
Tears spring to her eyes, making them appear even more vibrant than usual as she presses her lips together until they drain of color.
Why won’t she give me an answer?
Tension fills my shoulders. “Is this because of what I said last night? Is our relationship moving too fast for you?” I gulp down the growing desperation that clogs my throat, making it impossible to breathe. When Sydney remains silent, I start to babble. I can’t stop myself. “If that’s the case, then we can slow track it. I’m sorry, I thought we were both on the same page.” It had sure felt like it last night. Hell, this entire weekend.
You know what?
This entire damn relationship. Even when we were fake dating, it still felt like we were moving at the same pace, in the same direction even when we didn’t understand what direction that was. It’s a real kick in the ass to realize that I couldn’t be further off base. Her continued silence is killing me. “You’ve got to give me some answers here, Syd. I don’t want to keep playing this guessing game with you.”
There’s a long pause before she murmurs, “I...I don’t feel the same way.”
The acidic taste of bile rises up in my throat. The pounding of my heartbeat fills my ears until it sounds
like the roar of the ocean, making it impossible to think straight. “You don’t think you’ll ever feel that way?” It takes effort to force out the rest. “Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
Her fingers tighten, biting into the fabric clutched in her hands. “Please, Brayden,” she whispers. “Do we have to do this now?”
Is she fucking serious?
“Yeah, we’re doing it,” I grit between clenched teeth. “I deserve answers.” I need something concrete that I can wrap my brain around that will make sense, because right now...absolutely nothing does.
She breaks free of my hold before taking a step in retreat. The distance isn’t just physical, it’s emotional as well. “I wish I could give you more, but I can’t. This relationship isn’t going to work out in the long run. I’m really sorry. I can’t force feelings that aren’t there to begin with.”
It takes everything I have inside to remain upright when all I want to do is double over from the excruciating pain licking its way through my body. It’s like I’ve been kicked in the balls and can’t catch my breath. Actually, it’s much worse than that.
Force feelings?
She’s been forcing feelings the entire time?
What the fuck?
Anger crashes through me. I don’t know what’s going on here or why Sydney is acting like this, but that’s total bullshit. The emotions unfolding between us weren’t in my imagination. And it sure as shit wasn’t one-sided, either. She felt it.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to argue, but I can already tell that I won’t get anywhere with her. She’s shut down and closed off. As much as I hate to leave the conversation—not to mention our relationship—in this uncomfortable limbo, there’s no other choice for the time being.
I jerk my head into a tight nod. “All right.”
The relief that floods into her face is yet another kick in the ass.
Campus Heartthrob (The Campus Series Book 2) Page 23
