by E E Everly
I didn’t chant with my light even though light required focus. Did darkness work in the same way? After practice, could it be harnessed without the words? What else did Caedryn use his darkness for? Maybe the book was his.
He was always warning me. Always trying to scare me away. I had a distinct feeling, once again, that he intentionally left the book as a way to ward me off. I had paid no attention to the volume and had forgotten about it until the strange aura had unsettled me.
Why couldn’t that man be honest about everything from the beginning? He was exasperating.
I flipped past the how-to chapter to the spells. Lightning, Thunder, Tempest. I passed the weather spells. Next came Levitating and Kinetics. Kinetics explained how Caedryn moved a latch and slid drapes. When I arrived at concealment spells, I stopped. Cloaking glared at me from the page’s top.
Cloaking is spiritual concealment. While an object is physically present, it cannot be spiritually detected. With Concealment, though the object is obscured from sight, the spiritual presence might still be felt. Both require a great degree of practice. To cast both spells at once is a sizable challenge, but not impossible.
Our conversation from weeks earlier in his study came back. How have you kept yourself from crying out before? I asked.
Cloaking. Niawen, you must understand. I use my darkness.
He hid his nightmares. He hid his light. What else did he hide?
He had tried to warn me.
SIXTY-FOUR
Niawen. Niawen.
My eyes shot open. I lay flat on my back, in our bed. Despite our afternoon nap, Caedryn seemed listless, so we’d retired early after supper. He settled next to me, with his head on my shoulder and his arm across my stomach. His steady breathing told me he was in deep slumber. He always slept blissfully when I was with him.
I wished I could have said the same for myself.
Niawen.
I swear the voice was Kenrik’s. He was calling for me.
NIAWEN.
The emotion in his voice made me realize something. We did have a bond. That was why I heard him cry out. An emotional connection was forged the day I left. As he cried for me from the courtyard on his knees, howling my name, he etched those wretched feelings into my very being.
Oh. Curse the way emrys bonded. Curse all of them!
I had no idea bonds could form without consent, without awareness. None.
Master of Light. By the stars in the heavens. This can’t be.
Niawen!
I’m coming, Kenrik. I’m coming. I tried not to sob, but his emotions were crushing. He was overwhelming my senses. Something was terribly wrong with him.
I slid from under Caedryn’s arm. I tiptoed to the door. With one glance back to make sure Caedryn was sound asleep, I left the room.
I can’t see you. Where are you? Your light is veiled. I felt panicked. Kenrik was hidden from me, and he needed me. He was in pain—as if he were dying.
I could hear his voice calling only my name. He didn’t answer my pleas more specifically.
Think. Think. I proceeded to the first floor, outside the main hall. He’s invisible, as if he’s cloaked. Oh. I stumbled against the wall, using it for support as my legs gave out.
He’s cloaked. He’s cloaked.
I use my darkness.
I shook my head. I grabbed a tapestry and pulled myself back to my feet.
He’s CLOAKED.
No.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
Ask Caedryn.
What would he do if someone tried to take me away?
Whose blood was really on his shirt? Not Rapion’s. Not Rapion’s.
Oh, no no no.
I groped my way down the hall, searching for the citadel’s depths. The way down. Stairs. Stairs that would take me to a dungeon. Where prisoners were kept. Where Caedryn would punish someone until he bled.
Kenrik’s cloaked. Cloaked. Cloaked.
Light was spiritual. Kenrik’s light was cloaked. I couldn’t discern it. He wasn’t dead. He was unseen.
More than enough blood. Too much blood on Caedryn’s hands.
Caedryn came to claim me.
Should I be jealous? he had asked.
He’d felt threatened.
I know King Sieffre has two sons who’ve been very attentive to you.
After Caedryn beat up the prisoner, he came for me. To assure himself that I was his. To set aside his misgivings, his fears that I might have a wandering heart. He was a fool. A stupid fool.
I descended a set of stairs. Cold swept up my bare legs and brushed my spine.
Cloaked.
I’ll find you.
Don’t be Kenrik. Please. The truth will destroy me. Please don’t be Kenrik.
I could lie to myself all I wanted. I could beg.
My heart knew what I’d discover.
Kenrik, I’m coming.
SIXTY-FIVE
“Kenrik!” I ran into the cell, appalled by the stench, but mostly crushed by the wretched anguish pouring off my dear friend.
He groaned. His head lolled side to side. As I fell to my knees beside him, my stomach lurched. I knew right away his legs were crushed. His face was busted and swollen. His lip was crusted with blood. He wouldn’t be walking out of his cell anytime soon. Healing him would take weeks.
I’d never be able to do that with Caedryn looking over my shoulder.
I still felt sick.
This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening.
He’s my husband!
What he had done—disfiguring my friend, punching him, breaking him—was as good as drawing a knife across my throat. I was bleeding on the filthy floor, unable to breathe. And the blood would never clot. I would bleed and bleed and bleed.
“Kenrik.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Tears for his pain, for my pain, for the hopelessness of the situation. I was stabbed a thousand times over as I bowed over Kenrik with my tears covering his face.
“Niawen, is that you?” A puffy eye cracked open. “I can’t feel anything below my waist.” He laughed. “Never thought that would be good.”
My chest shook as I tried to laugh, but my grief only multiplied. “I’ll fix you.” I pawed his chest. “You’ll be as good as new.”
Kenrik grabbed my hand. “We both know I have no time. You haven’t the time. You must flee. Go far away from Caedryn.”
“He’s not like this. Not always. He cracked. Oh, I’m so sorry.” I reached into Kenrik’s hair and stroked his head, enjoying the way my fingers combed through the strands and praying my touch gave Kenrik relief.
He coughed, and his legs twitched.
Deian, don’t let him die. I can fix him. “Why are you here? Why’d Caedryn do this to you?”
“I followed you. It was rash, but I did it anyway. You left. You left Kelyn and Brenin. You shouldn’t have gone.”
Though I smiled, my brows pinched together. “Your being here has nothing to do with Kelyn and Brenin.”
Kenrik grinned, but behind it, his sorrow remained. “I loved you from the first time I laid eyes on you—when you turned to me, at the festival, all covered in blood. I was unable to stop myself. I had you to myself for less than a day before you passed out, before Kelyn showed up and drew your attentions. I knew he’d steal you. He stole everything I ever had—ever wanted. I saw you for how special you are. Kelyn saw you as a trophy.”
“Kelyn never stole me. No one could ever steal me. I’d have to give myself to him.”
My throat constricted. I gave myself to Caedryn. I never thought in a million years he’d hurt someone I cared about.
I never really knew him. How could I when he spent all those years working as a double agent? He probably interrogated people in gruesome ways. He might have done all sorts of abominable things I never knew.
There was no such thing as a clean slate. No such thing.
He’s sick. He couldn’t help himself.
“I tried
to walk away,” Kenrik said. “I had my dreams, and you were restless and broken. But I couldn’t let you go. Not after how traumatized you were from killing those men. Kelyn and I were selfish to fight over you. We didn’t think about how you were still recovering—about how you weren’t ready for love. I should have stopped you from running. But blast, woman. You were just so stubborn.”
“Stupid. I’m stupid.”
“You seem to have a notion in your head to run.” Kenrik coughed. “That running is always the solution. Stay with us. Stay with me. Fight. Face your fears. Come home.”
Home. I hated that word.
I found his face, his jawline. My fingers flitted over the unshaven skin, memorizing the angles and creases. I’d never forget his misery. Never.
Kenrik held my palm and kissed it. “You don’t know what I felt as I watched you heal my mother, as I held on to you. I knew if I found someone like you, I’d be at peace. Apparently I was in error. You left, and you tore a hole in my heart. Then I saw you in the distance, flying toward the palace. I didn’t dare hope you’d come back. As you flew past the city, I marked your path. As I gathered supplies, my family begged me to remain. I left them all.”
“Why would you risk the journey with winter coming? They’re worried sick. Kelyn is looking for you. Let’s get you out of here. I’ll call Seren. We’ll take you home.”
Seren. Seren?
“I traveled for weeks to arrive here,” Kenrik mumbled.
He suffered for weeks while I was safe. He was cold while I was protected. “How did you know I was here?”
“I didn’t have to guess. Caedryn’s men captured me after I passed over the mountains, and then it no longer mattered.”
“How long have you been here?” I was horrified. I was too overwhelmed in my self-loathing to realize my dear friend was right under my feet, imprisoned. Because of me.
“I no longer know. Weeks.”
I gasped. “Kenrik, forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. I’m at peace, having seen you once again.”
A voice spoke from across the room. “Such touching, heart-wrenching words. Niawen, you love this man. What of our love? What of our child?”
I didn’t bother to give Caedryn a glance. Kenrik’s expression shattered what remained of my dignity.
“You’re with child? Niawen?” Kenrik asked. “Tell me that’s not true.”
“I can’t.”
“That’s right,” Caedryn said. “You gave me the vows of love. We united our light. You lay in my arms night after night. Our love is binding.”
I rounded on Caedryn. I was afraid to meet his eyes. Afraid of what I might see. Would his light be swallowed up? “Why would you doubt? Why would you torture Kenrik? I gave you my soul. You saw everything in me. And even after we bonded, even after we promised to share everything, to never hide anything from one another, you kept secrets anyway. You should have told me about Kenrik before you tortured him. I could have reassured you I was going nowhere!”
“I warned you.”
“Of course you warned me!” I screeched. “You’re dangerous. You’re half-darkness. ‘Niawen, you can have a clean slate. You’re free to do as you wish. But I need you. I need you. Please, Niawen. Please.’ You enslaved me with your words. You tortured me! I had nowhere left to go, and you used that for your purposes.”
“What’s wrong with needing each other? We were made for each other, Niawen. You and I. The same.”
“No! We were never the same. You made me think we were.” I shook my head. “Lies. All falsehoods. You can’t possibly know what real love is. People don’t live for others to love them, people live to give their love away. Which is what I was doing!” I turned away and dropped beside Kenrik. “Leave me, Caedryn. I’m going to heal Kenrik, and then I’m taking him home.”
“I won’t allow that.”
“You will if you love me.” Seren, please answer my pleas. I’ve found Kenrik. You must help him!
Kenrik reached up, and I turned my face into his caress. “You’d come with me? You would stay with me?”
“I can’t. I’m bound to Caedryn.”
Yes, you are bound to me, my love, Caedryn said.
Let me take him away. I’ll return to you.
“You can’t stay with him,” Kenrik said. “He’ll hurt you. He’ll turn his rage on you one day. And on your child.”
I’d never hurt you or our child, Caedryn said. I’ve wanted you for so long. Niawen, believe me. You know me. You knew who I was and whom you were binding yourself to. You swore you’d help me through my nightmares. Our love is unconditional.
“Look at me, Niawen. I can’t move my legs! He did this!” Kenrik exclaimed.
I cried out as Kenrik’s emotions ripped into the muscles in my chest.
“You feel my pain, don’t you?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Tell me how to free you from Caedryn. Niawen, tell me. I will do it. Surely there’s a way to break the bond.”
“There’s not,” I said.
“You told me light discerns light,” Kenrik said. “You told me emrys see with their light. That’s how you found the enemy. That’s how you knew the villagers were being attacked. You heal with your light. Everything about you uses light. You united your light. It holds you bound to Caedryn, doesn’t it?”
“Yes.”
Kenrik’s voice lowered. “Without light, you’d be free.”
“Yes.” Kenrik had a point. Our lights were bound, but what if I took my light out? Removed the sphere just as Caedryn and I did when we exchanged light? Then I wouldn’t feel him.
No emrys had ever unbound themselves from another. I was crazy to consider it.
Caedryn edged closer. “I don’t know what you’re proposing, but that’s impossible. Niawen’s mine. She will always be a part of me, and I, a part of her. As will her child.”
I jumped to my feet and whirled around. My body was shaking. Every person I knew carried light. Light was my immortality. Light snuffed out with death. If I took my light out, would I eventually die like a mortal?
A senseless thought passed through my head. Could I live with Kenrik if I did this? Would I be willing to give up my immortality and grow old? Could I subject myself to sickness? Run the risk of developing a disease as Sorfrona had?
Caedryn grabbed my arm, pulled me to himself, and pushed back my hair, forcing me to look at him. “You aren’t thinking clearly, my darling. I know you want to help your friend, but your state is too delicate to heal him, his injuries, too extensive. You’ll harm our child.”
I wanted to cry. I wanted to shove him in the chest. Anguish filled me. Anguish because of his deeds. Anguish because of his love for me. He still loved me. Caedryn had hurt Kenrik because he loved me. In his mind, his love was distorted, confused.
I shook him off. “You told me he was Rapion. I could have begun his healing this afternoon. Let me heal his legs at least. The breaks will kill him in a few hours. I’ll proceed slowly. If you want to earn my trust back, let me do this.”
“I’ve broken your trust in me?” Caedryn asked.
“Yes.”
“You despise me. I’m no fool, Niawen. Disgust is in your eyes. I’m an abhorrent monstrosity. Nothing but a vile, malformed shell to you.”
“Caedryn, I gave you my heart,” I said. “We can fix our relationship. Our love is damaged, but it can be repaired.”
“You’ll never stop looking at me as if I’ve broken your heart!”
“You have!”
“No. No,” Caedryn said. “You will forget what I’ve done. I’ll make this as though it never happened. Heal him. Take him away, and I will make you forget.”
“You can’t make me forget. You can’t erase what you did.”
“What I did? You drove me to my actions. Your heart was all over the place. You carry feelings for several mortals. You ran from them because you couldn’t pick just one of them. I lived with this confusion in your head,
slipping into my thoughts! How do you think that felt? I was looking at only you. I was loving only you!”
“While living with the memories of the empress!” I shrieked.
“Going back to her was an impossibility! They were nightmares!”
“My feelings for them are an example of how people love. I’m not in love with them. I care about them the same as I care about family.”
“You kissed Kelyn. You wanted him.” Caedryn sneered. “You wanted him to feel your light and wanted him to want your light.”
“You saw that?”
“I see everything. Why not take them all, Niawen? Keep me for your immortal soul mate while satisfying your lust for them with them. As they die off, you could take a new plaything. A new generation to fawn over your godlike body.”
“You’re foul! Why would you say such things? After all we’ve shared, how can you be so cruel?” I pushed Caedryn—my light flared out and slammed into his chest.
Caedryn stumbled backward but kept his footing. “You want to play games with me?”
A throbbing began under his skin. Immense pressure. A storm rose inside him. His eyes dimmed. Not used to his dark power, I huffed while my body cramped.
His arm lifted, and my throat constricted as Caedryn turned his power on me. I fell to my knees, nearly overcome by the darkness that crept around my vision.
No! You’ll not harm me! I threw my light into my extremities and launched to my feet. A starburst of energy lashed Caedryn and broke his hold on my neck. I buckled over, gasping. Caedryn had fallen against the far wall.
With only a moment to spare and in my desperation, I reacted. I didn’t know if what Kenrik suggested would work. I couldn’t believe he even suggested living without my light. What would happen? Severing the bond with Caedryn would take all my light. How might that feel to a Daughter of Light?
But I could heal Kenrik and free myself with one move. I whipped back to him and tumbled to the stone floor beside him. Deian, forgive me. I pulled the orb from my chest, as simple as reaching for an item on a high shelf. After one final tug, my fingers slipped around the ball and pulled it into my hands.
