Heart of Stone

by Quinn, Paula

  He didn’t want it. He didn’t want her. Julianna’s heart broke and her spirit fainted within her. “Why do you want to resist me?”

  He lifted his lashes and met her gaze. His eyes were like flashes across a summer sky, offering no mercy from its consuming fire. “Because everyone I have ever loved has been taken from me.”

  She remembered his mournful lament when he thought his son had been lost to him. This was what he meant. But Nicholas had left his son, her mind argued. But he hadn’t begun to love him then, her heart replied.

  “I lost you once,” he continued, “and it nearly destroyed me. I cannot, I will not go through it again.”

  She couldn’t tell him she’d always loved him. He would ask her why she had refused him. She wasn’t ready to confess her cowardice to him.

  “Of course,” she answered instead.

  He stared at her as if he were trying to figure something out about her. “Am I to believe that now that I am an earl, you are here for my son alone?”

  She felt as if he’d slapped her. She slipped her watery gaze to Elias playing in the snow. If not for him, she would walk away from William, from her past with him and her desire for a future, and leave Lismoor right this moment.

  “That is quite selfish and hateful of you, William,” she accused.

  “Nicholas,” he corrected on a low growl. “And how is that selfish and hateful of me?”

  “You think only of your own pain.” The wind picked up and tore tendrils of her hair from beneath her hood and across her face. “You speak as if you are the only one who has lost anyone, who has lost yourself. You are not the only one. But in the future, I will be sure to remember my place.” She left him and went to gather Elias to take him inside.

  The earl followed her. That’s what he was to her now. The earl, and nothing more. She was good and tired of being made to feel like she was only here because of his status. Like some harlot who would sell her soul for anything. She hadn’t and she wouldn’t.

  “If anyone here has made you feel like a servant, tell me his name and I will deal with him,” he insisted, keeping pace with her on the way to the keep.

  “Not a servant, Nicholas, I should have been more clear. You have made it known more than once that I am not important to you anymore.”

  Aha! He said nothing to that! It pricked her in the guts. She picked up Elias and started up the outside stairs. Nicholas reached the top just before her and pushed opened the doors. The great hall was almost empty with a few Highlanders loitering around after the morning meal. When they saw their lord, they straightened their shoulders and hurried out to attend to their duties.

  The earl said nothing but followed her out and down the corridor to Elias’ chamber.

  “Are they afraid of you?” she asked him.

  “Some do not know me.”

  And those who did? She wanted to ask him.

  He still hadn’t corrected her about not being important. It stung deep.

  “Elias needs to sleep,” she said, opening the door and stepping inside the babe’s chamber. She turned to him, meaning to stop him from following her now. It was too late. He was already in, shutting the door behind him, removing his furs.

  They were alone. She could hear the three of them breathing. Hers came the fastest.

  “’Tis dreary in here,” the earl remarked, looking around.

  It was, she agreed silently, while she unwrapped Elias in front of the hearth. “I will try to make it more suitable…more colorful for him,” she pledged, warming him up. She could spread some cheerful fabrics around and hang colorful curtains on the two windows. Elias needed—

  “He needs a toy or two,” his father said, coming toward them. “Something that is soft and made of wool that he can take with him to his bed at night.”

  Julianna nodded. She remembered a stuffed, woolen horse that Berengaria had purchased for him. A horse he gave to Julianna when she was six.

  “I will see to a seamstress who can fashion him something special. Perhaps a horse.” She glanced at him and then continued dressing Elias in fresh clothes. She thought a smile might have shone like starlight in the earl’s eyes just before he tethered the light back in and subdued it.

  Or, his expression hadn’t changed at all. Perhaps she was just recalling how he used to look at her, laugh with her. She wanted that back, she thought as she carried the babe to his bed. She set him down and then she sat at the edge. It was what she’d dreamed of for two years. He had kept her sane in her marriage to Phillip. But Nicholas MacPherson was not William Stone. Not the William she remembered, dreamed of. Nicholas was unyielding and cold. She wasn’t sure if she liked Nicholas with his hooded gaze and the rigid set of his chin.

  “Time for a nap, Elias,” she said softly, laying him down. She smiled, looking into a face of purity. She prayed, as the abbess had taught all the girls, that Elias had a good, long life.

  Nicholas was still standing where she’d left him. It wasn’t right that he stood off, not participating in his son’s naptime. She rose off the bed and leaned down to kiss Elias’ head and tuck him in. When she was done, she turned to his father.

  “Elias would like you to come kiss him goodnight.”

  Nicholas took a step forward, his eyes on the little boy watching him from the bed. He moved with uncertainty. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to comfort another soul. He did. He’d comforted her many times.

  “Did he truly tell you that?” he asked her as he reached the bed. “I do not want to frighten him.”

  “I do not think you will. He remains quiet.”

  He moved over the bed and pressed his lips to Elias’ curls. He spoke into them with closed eyes and lingered for another moment that proved to be the one to conquer Julianna.

  She wiped her eyes and kept her face turned from him as he moved back toward the door.

  She had wanted to find William and see him one more time. Now that she had, she wanted to stay. She wanted to watch these two grow older together. But how would it be possible when Nicholas hated her? She didn’t want to believe that he did, but his eyes spoke the truth.

  He’d told her he had lost everyone he had ever loved. She knew that included her. He had loved her. She’d always known, though he had never told her. There had been too much at stake for that. If her father had known their true hearts, he would have had him beaten and thrown out of Berwick years earlier. She didn’t think she could win Nicholas back. She wasn’t certain he even had a heart to love his son. Was Nicholas afraid to love Elias?

  He might have been, but he had returned to Lismoor, so perhaps he was ready to give his heart to his son. He was here. He’d stayed by Elias’ bed almost as much as she had.

  It was a good beginning. It was what she wanted now—to help them get to know and trust each other. To help Nicholas be a father.

  But…he hadn’t chosen to be near her. She’d come to him and she’d refused to leave. What if he would never care for her? What if his heart had hardened too much to ever get through to him, to be with him?

  If that happened, she would live out her life at the abbey and die there with God.

  Chapter Eight

  She wasn’t important to him anymore. Julianna straightened her spine as she walked down the corridor to her room, alone. Elias was asleep and Nicholas had left to see to some things. He’d gone without correcting her.

  She certainly did not feel important to him. He’d wanted her out since the instant he saw her. If it had not been for Elias’ screaming from under his bed, she would have been asked to leave Lismoor and not to come back. He would have forgotten her.

  So what if she’d refused to go with him four years ago? How could he hate her for it still? She’d been a child. A pampered child. Didn’t he understand how frightened she had been?

  She reached her door and stepped inside her room. She had time to freshen up and change. She pulled off her layers then kicked off her boots and loosened her hair from its braid. She felt to
o exposed with it tied back. The scents of honeysuckle and jasmine lingered around her like a cloud.

  Someone knocked at the door and she went to it, running her fingers through her hair. She pulled open the door, hoping to see Nicholas on the other side.

  She saw Captain Wallace instead. He was one of Nicholas’ newest soldiers. She’d met him briefly and aside from a lingering smile this morning in front of Nicholas, she hadn’t given him any thought.

  “Miss Feathers,” he greeted with a streak of trouble in his summer green eyes. His gaze traversed the cascading locks falling around her shoulders. “I was wonderin’ if ye would step oot so that I dinna have to stand at yer door. ’Tis unseemly.”

  Julianna wondered what else this obvious Highlander would find unseemly. Her bare feet and scandalous ankles perhaps? “Of course,” she said. “Just allow me a moment to make myself presentable.”

  She had nothing but the chemise on her back, two pairs of hose and two léines, a doublet, and her under garments. She hadn’t brought any gowns with her. There was no room in her bag. Besides, she couldn’t wear a gown on her horse and pretend to be a man. She smiled at herself and opened the door.

  Captain Wallace was waiting. She wondered what he wanted. He was quite handsome and charming, just like so many others. He kept his spine quite straight and his smile perfected as he bowed to her.

  “What can I do for you, Captain,” she asked the top of his raven head before he straightened.

  “Fergive me fer disturbin’ ye, dear lady. I happened to see ye returnin’ from the lad’s chamber and I had hoped to have a word with ye.”

  She gave him a curious look. “About what?”

  “Aboot havin’ a walk with ye—through the keep or the tower. I dinna care. The longer the time we have together, the better.”

  Julianna wanted to sigh. How did he know he’d enjoy all this time with her? She could be a shrew, or have a terrible laugh. He didn’t know her or anything about her. He was like a child boasting of things he likely had no notion about.

  Captain Wallace was transparent, like a thin sheet of parchment. There was no depth to his gaze, only self-interest, no true commitment to anyone other than himself. He may be right for some, but he wasn’t right for her. She didn’t want to take walks with him. The sooner she was away from him, the better.

  “Captain, I’m flattered by your praise. But my heart belongs to another and I cannot leave him.”

  “Lord Rothbury,” he snarled and ripped off one glove.

  She wanted to go back into her room and arm herself with a piece of deadly jewelry. Why had she allowed herself to become so comfortable in a castle filled with Scots?

  “What are you going to do with that glove, Captain?”

  “I will fight Rothbury!”

  “You do not even know me!” she chided. “Put your glove back on. You look ridiculous.” When he did as she ordered, she continued. “I speak of Elias MacPherson, not his father. I am his new governess. I cannot go far from his room.”

  He cast her a forlorn look and then captured her gaze with his and held it. “No matter. I can come to ye.”

  She smiled, but there was nothing friendly about it. “Alas, I must decline your company, Captain.”

  “And why is that, lass?” he asked and moved closer to her.

  She looked longingly toward her chamber door, then down the hall a bit to Elias’ room. She thought she saw something from the corner of her eye…a movement in the shadows.

  “Because,” said a deep, male voice—one that Julianna knew better than her own, “she knows I would cut you to pieces and she is trying to save you.”

  “My lord,” Captain Wallace said at the end of Nicholas’ blade. “Fergive me. I didna know she was spoken fer.”

  “She is not spoken for, Captain,” Nicholas growled through clenched teeth.

  Julianna thought for certain he was about to ram his sword into the captain’s throat, and closed her eyes.

  “She is a lady who declined you. A woman who also happens to be my son’s governess.”

  Julianna opened her eyes again and stared at him.

  “She owes you no explanation for her decision. Do you understand, Wallace? Because if you do not, you can leave Lismoor today.”

  The captain nodded his head. He gave one last look at Julianna then hurried off.

  “Did he touch you?” Nicholas asked, turning to her. His rich, deep voice covered her as he twisted his wrist and sheathed his blade.

  She had never seen him so angry. So ready to kill. He threatened his captain’s life over her. Was he jealous? Protective? Was it something more?

  “No.” She smiled at him. And why shouldn’t she? She meant something to him—even if it was being his son’s governess. She smiled because she suspected that she was more than that to him. She wanted to leap for joy. His heart still called to hers. She knew it. She’d always felt it. It had led her here.

  “Stay away from him from now on. I will make sure he knows to do the same. And the halls will be brighter by tonight.”

  “Really, my lord, there is no need.”

  He took a step closer and bent to look her in the eyes. “Of course there is, Julianna. I will not have you unsafe in my castle. In fact, I should assign one of my trusted men to your side.”

  “I have a dagger,” she told him. She knew the trick of not falling completely captivated by William’s steely, powerful gaze was not to look at him. “I do not know why I did not carry it with me. But I will from today forth. I really do not need a man at my side.”

  He smiled, just a little. He didn’t think she could fight. He was correct. But thanks to her poison-tipped blade, she didn’t need to. She let him be amused. She wouldn’t tell him about her poisons in case she ever needed to use one on him.

  “What are you doing back here?” she asked him instead. “I thought you left.”

  He suddenly looked a little lost. “I…I returned for…ehm…”

  Her smiled deepened. She liked seeing him squirm over her. Perhaps he needed to squirm more often, until he admitted the truth. He cared for her, perhaps even…still loved her.

  “Because I thought I heard Elias crying.”

  “I see.” She started to walk off toward the babe’s chamber. “I will check on him. Thank you for your help with the captain, my lord. I will let you get back to your duties.”

  “Aye,” he muttered and said nothing else to stop her.

  With disappointment framing her lips, she reached Elias’ door and pressed her ear to the wood for a long time. There was no sound. She turned from the door to leave and found Nicholas standing there, waiting for her.

  “Was there anything else, my lord?”

  He shook his head and gave her a frustrated look.

  “I was just going to my chamber to refresh myself before the captain arrived,” she told him quickly and with a radiant smile, hoping to keep him waiting a little longer.

  “You smell pleasant to me.”

  She looked down and blushed. “’Tis my hair. Sadly, I have no—” She stopped on a shallow breath as he bent even closer and dipped his nose to the hair falling around her neck. She heard him inhale and a warm trickle traveled down to her belly, her navel, and then below it. Her body grew taut and ached for a touch—just for a touch from him. It almost frightened her how badly she wanted him. Affection and making love did not go together in her marriage to Phillip. She had no idea what to expect or even if Nicholas wanted her. But she knew it would be different with him. She knew he would make it special and everything it should be.

  He straightened, shattering her thoughts and the desire to move closer into him until their bodies touched. She felt needful and lonely for him. She’d felt it so long.

  “I will only be a few moments,” she assured with a soft smile. She knew it was best to be away from him for a little while, else she ran the risk of making a fool out of herself.

  “I will stay by Elias’ door in case he cries.”
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br />   Relief and joy coursed through her. Not because she had someone to listen for the babe, but because it seemed Nicholas wanted to spend more time with her. “Thank you, my lord.”

  She walked calmly to her room, though she would have liked to hurry. She wouldn’t appear too eager to him. She did grin as she entered her room though. He didn’t hate her. No. There was too much between them for that.

  Of course there was still Phillip. She had to tell Nicholas, but she was afraid that whatever trust and fondness she had won in him so far would be gone the instant he learned who she had married. Her happiness faded when she remembered the things Phillip had done to him, the way Phillip had belittled him. Everyone knew what kind of man Phillip DeAvoy would become. But what did it say about the woman who married him?

  She groaned kicking off her boots and padded to the hearth to add wood to the dying flames. She fell into her chair close by and watched the fire grow.

  What would he think of her? What had she thought of herself for years? She loved William, but she sent him away and married Phillip. Nicholas would never forgive her. She didn’t blame him.

  But she had done what she’d done to survive. She’d thought living among the savage Scots who killed almost everyone in Berwick would be worse than living with Phillip, but after a month of marriage, she wasn’t so sure. After being here, among the Scots for a day, it made her realize how wrong she had been. It wasn’t the men here who changed her mind, but the women. Aside from Captain Wallace, the men, though long-haired and wild looking, were respectful and thoughtful. The women here didn’t need men guarding them. They walked around the castle smiling and flirting and happy with the men here—proving that she’d made the most grievous error of her life by marrying Phillip.

  She didn’t want to go back into the hall to see Nicholas. The more she spoke to him, the closer she would have to get to telling him.

  Oh, how had she gone from joyful outside her door to woeful inside? Phillip was dead and still making her life miserable. No! No more! She sprang from her chair and hurried around her chamber peeling off her léine and putting on another. She’d had her things laundered at the inn while she waited two days for the carriage to Rothbury.