by M. S. Parker
I kept going back to one particular file and studying the receipts, the names, the clients, but whatever small detail was niggling at the back of my mind remained just out of reach.
The more I tried to reach out and grab it, the more insubstantial it became.
I scanned over a few more pages before dropping them back into the pile, frustrated.
“What about from before I came? This is just the past couple of months. I was the only one hired recently, but I can’t believe this just started when I got there. It’s too smooth. At least at first. The past month has gotten even more bold. These fat tips and the fancy dinners? There’s got to be more.”
He shot me a look but nodded. “I have spreadsheets going back the past couple of years. I was hoping to find something in the hard copies, but I guess it’s time to start looking at those documents.”
“I’m comfortable with spreadsheets. If you want to keep looking at all of these, I can start looking at them.”
Lukas pointed to the briefcase that was by the door. Apparently, he had been working on this off and on ever since I had left. This bedroom had become a second office of sorts, with several boxes of hard copies already stacked on the desk or the nearby file cabinet.
After opening the laptop, I got his password and he told me where to find the folder as well. I got to work and lost myself in the data. I couldn’t find the pattern this time. Whoever it was had been more careful when they started out. Plus, Lukas hadn’t been there to point it out.
In the end, it wasn’t a pattern at all that made me realize just how long this had been going on.
It was that name again – Tad Fikes. It had something to do it this. I knew it did. I just couldn’t figure out why it was bugging me. Did I even know anybody by the name of Tad?
“Wow. You two look busy.”
The sound of Gracie’s voice dragged me out of my reverie, and both Lukas and I looked up to find her standing in the doorway. There was a look of both relief and curiosity on her face, but the expression in her eyes was strained.
“It looks like you two manage to work things out,” she said. “I’m glad.”
I smiled at her while Lukas pushed off the floor and went to her, holding her in his arms for a warm hug. The affection between them was clear. “You’re home early,” he said, his voice soft. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
Tomorrow? I wondered what tomorrow was. But I didn’t ask.
She laughed weakly. “I’m torn between whether or not I should do it now.”
“Why? This is what you wanted. Shit, you spent months talking me into it.”
Now my curiosity was really piqued. Surreptitiously, I shot them both a look. Gracie noticed. She must have been looking at me, and her cheeks flushed as she glanced back at Lukas. “It just seems...awkward. Things between you and Stella are different now, aren’t they? I knew they would be if she came back and you talked to her.” She glanced at me and smiled. “I’m not trying to talk about you in the third person. I’m sorry.”
Unable to contain my curiosity anymore, I asked, “What are you talking about? What’s tomorrow?”
Gracie shook her head. “It’s nothing.”
“It is something.” He looked over at me and went on, “Gracie’s planning on getting artificial insemination tomorrow. She wants a baby.”
“That’s wonderful,” I said, climbing to my feet, but she shot me a nervous look.
“You might not think so once you know who the donor is.”
She glanced at Lukas, and I immediately understood. “Are you thinking that because Lukas and I…” What are we, I wondered. We hadn’t even talked about it. It felt like things were different but that didn’t mean they were. And even if they were, this was clearly something that had been in the works for a while. Who was I to mess up plans that Gracie had already made?
“You should do this.” Shaking my head, I gestured between Lukas and me. “We’re still trying to figure things out, I think.” I looked at Lukas, and he nodded. “But regardless of what is going on between us, that doesn’t change anything you two planned to do. I mean, it’s artificial insemination. If you’re getting a procedure tomorrow, then he’s...” I was blushing now. How stupid was that? “I mean, he’s done his part. Hasn’t he? Isn’t that how it works?”
Gracie laughed. “That’s how it works, yes.”
She came to me, her hands catching mine. “Are you sure about this?”
“Absolutely. Don’t give this up on account of me.” I squeezed her hands. “Don’t even think about it.”
34
“Is it going to bother you?” Lukas asked. It was hours later, but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
I leaned against him and roped my arms around his neck. “If it bothered me, I would tell you. I’m not some passive, meek thing, in case it’s missed your notice.”
A grin crooked his lips. He had smiled more today than I’d seen him smile since meeting him. It was amazing the transformation that had taken over in the past twenty-four hours. The shadow cast by Gilbert Grayson on his life had weighed on him more than I could have possibly realized.
“Here I was thinking I’d gone and found me a sweet, passive submissive. I don’t know, Stella. Now I’m thinking this just might not work out.” It was clear he was teasing by the way he kissed me as he finished talking. It was a kiss that curled my toes and made it clear just how well this could work out.
“You know,” I said, breathing a little harder. “We still haven’t exactly defined what this is. I know we talked initially that this is going to be about sex, but Lukas...” I hesitated now because I wasn’t sure if I could handle having my heart handed back to me if I gave it to him.
He surprised me though. He wrapped his hand around my hair, forming a loose tail, and tugging my head back with it. “It stopped being just sex for me a long time ago. Couldn’t you tell?” He rubbed his mouth against mine. “I think that’s why it was so easy for me to believe that you were the one behind the missing money. I needed to believe it. I needed a reason to push you away. I needed to find a reason to push you away so I wouldn’t end up hurting you.”
Cupping his face in my hands, I hauled his head down to meet mine and kissed him. It was a soothing sort of caress, benediction and forgiveness all in one. “You know,” I murmured against his lips. “It’s more than just sex for me too. I felt something for you even up on the mountain. Even as rough and grumpy as you were.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him, trying to get him to smile again.
It worked. Lips curving, he brushed his hair back from my face as he said, “You were a sassy little brat. I was up there for peace and quiet, and I had to deal with Little Red Riding Hood trying to sweet talk a bunch of wolves.”
I snickered but the laugh faded as he tucked me in closer, his lips brushing against my cheek, then up into my hairline. “Stella…” His mouth was right next to my ear now, the words low, spoken in a hushed voice. “Stella, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
The impact of those words was stunning. Tears blurred my eyes, and I couldn’t speak. A knot swelled up in my throat, and even though I coughed to clear it, I couldn’t respond right away. The words were there, but I just couldn’t force them out.
His cheek moved against mine, the stubble rasping over my skin. “I understand if you don’t have anything to say to me. Just tell me you’ll give me a chance.”
“Aw, Lukas...” I finally managed to say.
But I couldn’t force out anything else, and he started to speak again. “I didn’t think anything like this would ever happen to me. I didn’t think it could. But it feels good. It feels right.”
“It does,” I agreed. “You deserve love as much as anybody else does, Lukas. One day, you’re going to believe that.” We ended up curled on the bed, talking about everything, and nothing.
And then we ended up talking about Gracie.
I asked him about the plans for the baby plus another question that had been on my
mind. “I don’t understand something,” I told him. “You were so convinced that Gilbert passed on his assholishness like it was a disease.” Easing back, I brushed my hand across his cheek, meeting his eyes. “If you’re that certain it has to do with genetics and DNA, why would you risk passing it on to a baby?”
“I never believed it was all just genetics. I believed it was his DNA, combined with how I was raised and what he passed on to me,” he confessed. He gave a diffident shrug as he continued, “I never knew anything but the hell he taught me. With that being all I knew, I’ll admit that I had reservations. I still do. But Gracie talked me into it.”
“Are you going to be part of the baby’s life?” Curious, I kept my head back to study his face. This answer mattered to me because, at some point, I’d always seen myself having kids, and if he couldn’t bring himself to be around babies, it was something I needed to prepare myself for.
“She wants me to be,” he said softly. “I’m not going to be the dad, per se. She’s the parent, but she wants me to be involved in the baby’s life. I’ll probably fuck it up, but she’s pretty insistent.”
And he cared too much for his friend to say no, I thought. My heart squeezed inside my chest. And he thought he wasn’t a good man.
“Don’t be silly.” I smiled at him, unable to hold it back. “Whatever role you have, I think you’ll be good at it. We choose who we are in this life, Lukas, you know. The past can shape us, but it doesn’t make us.”
He brushed my hair back from my face. “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this? The baby? Her living here? That was the plan all along, but I don’t want to do anything that causes you to be uncomfortable with it. You’ll always be number one for me.”
It was a startling revelation.
I could see in his eyes that he meant it. Had I ever been number one for anybody? I didn’t know.
I wanted to think it over and revel in the wonder of it, but he was still watching me, waiting for an answer, so I smiled at him and laid my hand on his cheek. “It’ll be fine.” Then, the light hit me and I realized something. “That means I get to be part of the baby’s life too.” Delighted, I threw my arms around his neck. “I love babies. I’ve always wanted to have a couple of my own.”
Nerves jangled inside as I settled back down on my feet to watch him, but he didn’t panic the way I’d expected.
“I kind of suspected.” A half-smile crooked his lips. “The look on your face when she told you her plans. I’ve been mentally preparing myself.” He cleared his throat then added, “Assuming you want them with me.”
I rose onto my toes and kissed him. “Lukas, it’s early yet, but when it’s time, I would love to have your babies. But we can worry about that later.” Hugging him, I leaned into him, enjoying the closeness, the intimacy, the simple knowledge that I had the right to do this. That he liked it.
That we fit.
35
Discontent woke me.
At least that was what it felt like, although I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was that woke from a deep, deep sleep. I lay next to Lukas, wide awake, for the second time in less than twenty-four hours and tried to figure out just what had pulled me back to the conscious world.
My eyes were gritty with fatigue and my body ached with it.
I wanted to sleep.
But my mind was racing.
Get up, it whispered. You’ve got work to do.
Work. What work did I have to do?
I didn’t have a job.
I wasn’t angry with Lukas anymore because I could understand why I’d looked guilty – and more, I could understand why he’d pushed me away. But I was angry. I was angry with whoever had set me up. That thought set my mind wandering down the path of all the figures, the falsified reports and receipts – and they had to be false, right?
Tad Fikes. What kind of name was that?
A fake one, I thought. It had to be.
It’s faked.
I jolted, those words sending a memory trembling through me, but it stopped just shy of me grasping it.
Damn it.
Next to me, Lukas slept on, his breathing deep and steady. Hoping I wouldn’t wake him up, I slid out of the bed and picked up the laptop I’d left lying on the dresser. The bedroom was shaped like an L with a small seating area around the bend of the room. I headed over there and sat down in the window-seat, dragging the blanket over my bare legs. I had pulled on one of his shirts again. Pajamas hadn’t been high on the list of my priorities when I’d packed, Besides, I liked sleeping in his shirts anyway.
I could smell him on my skin now, and I loved it.
I flipped open the laptop and turned down the brightness, not wanting to disturb him if he got restless.
The bed shifted, wood creaking gently as he rolled over in bed and I looked up, wondering if he was going to wake up looking for me.
But a few moments later, his breathing settled back into a normal pattern, and I focused back on the computer.
Tad Fikes.
The name was all but echoing through my mind now, a sick sensation spreading through my gut.
That name. Tad. Where had I heard that before? Finally finding it on the spreadsheet, I read over the entry, eying the date – Valentine’s Day – and the total amount of money spent. It was just this side of insane, although I knew my dad had spent more when he courted new donors.
Valentine’s Day. I sneered absently, thinking of the plans I’d made for Aaron and me, plans I’d ended up canceling the day before after Aaron called me and told me he had a big project and the boss needed him to stay in town to wrap it up.
Aaron…
The bottom of my stomach opened up and dropped away as that final bit of memory settled into place.
Tad Fikes.
It’s faked.
Another Valentine’s Day, this time back in college. Aaron showing up at my apartment, a bottle of cheap wine in hand and even cheaper chocolate. But I’d been so delighted I hadn’t cared. The wine had been awful. I’d ask him how he had managed to get it, and he’d laughed. He didn’t turn twenty-one for another two months.
The memory played through my mind.
He flashed an ID in front of me.
“My good buddy Tad helped me out.”
I had snatched the ID away, looking at Aaron’s picture on what looked to be a very real ID. But the name…”Tad Fikes?” I asked, laughing. “If you’re going to come up with a fake ID, can’t you come up with a better name than Tad Fikes?”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me up against him. “Shows what you know. It’s an anagram, darling,” he said, kissing me quick and hard. “Switch the letters up and it says it’s faked. I’m laughing at everybody carding me. None of them have caught on.”
Amused, I had looked back at the ID I still held. It had been a fantastic job. I wondered who had done it. Not that I knew much about forging IDs, but it looked real to me. I studied the name, and in my head, I rearranged the letters. Sure enough, it’s faked spelled out perfectly.
“You must be so proud of yourself,” I said, laughing at him.
“From time to time,” he admitted. Then he dropped his head and kissed me. “Do you like your Valentine’s Day present?”
“I do.” The thought meant a lot.
“How about you tell me how much?” Aaron murmured against my lips.
I jerked to startling awareness just before Aaron would have kissed me again.
Even so, I wiped the back of my hand over my lips, not wanting even the memory of his kiss on my mouth.
“Tad,” I murmured against my hand as I remembered the name. And nausea welled inside me, my gut turning.
Understanding hit me hard and fast. It was Aaron. Aaron and probably Terri. That Terri had been involved in setting me up didn’t surprise me. But Aaron getting involved…? That hurt.
It hurt a lot. Tears burned my eyes and for a moment, I sat there, fighting to compose myself.
I wa
sn’t in love with him. If I ever had been, those feelings had faded a long time ago as the boy I’d loved had changed into the player he’d become since graduating.
But the echo of that boy…memories of him remained inside me and to know that he could do this?
It hurt.
Tears threatened, but I didn’t let them fall. He didn’t deserve the tears anyway.
Once I knew I could talk to Lukas without betraying how upset I was, I got up. Cradling the laptop against my chest, I padded back over to the sleeping area and rested a hip against the bed next to Lukas.
His eyes opened almost immediately, and he looked at me with startling clarity. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lied. I faked the smile and I had a feeling he could see right through it. “It’s just... Well, I figured something out.”
My fingers drummed nervously on the laptop and his gaze slid to it.
“What did you figure out?” he asked softly.
“It’s about that name…Tad Fikes.”
Lukas nodded. “I’ve already emailed my assistant. I want more concrete info on this so-called client. There’s very little hard data that she’s been able to find but I’m going to have her keep digging.”
“Go ahead, but you won’t find much,” I told him. Taking a deep breath, I said softly, “The man doesn’t exist.”
Lukas said, “I’m rather certain of that myself.” He cocked his head. “But what clued you in?”
“Nothing clued me in.” Uneasy, I smoothed my hand down one of the wrinkles in the shirt before confessing, “I know he’s not real. Tad Fikes is the name that Aaron used on his fake ID back in college. I just now remembered it.”
For a moment, he didn’t even blink.
Finally, a thick, heavy fringe of lashes fell down, shielding his eyes, and he averted his gaze, staring off at nothing.
“Aaron,” he repeated in a low voice. “Your ex set you up.”
