by K B Cinder
“Only if you give me a hug and accept my apology.” I’d learned from the hoagie incident.
“Oh, you wicked bitch,” she grumbled, stomping to grudgingly hug me from behind in my seat at the table. “Now dish.”
“Brandon called me and asked me to go to the superintendent’s office. He started his whole let’s get back together schtick and dropped down on one knee. He proposed with a huge rock.”
She looked at my hand, visibly relaxing. “You better have said no, you stupid whore. Don’t be a romantic. Not for that waste of a dick.”
“Well, duh, Rini. Jeez.” I bit down on another Cheeto, my fingers well on their way to becoming completely red-orange. It’d be worth licking them clean and washing my hands a hundred times to remove it, too.
“You never know with you, Nippers,” she growled, stealing a pickle from my plate. “You dated him for two years when I told you he was a pile of cat shit.”
“Every damn day, too,” I said with an eye roll.
“So, what happened? Did he just lay down and take the no like a man? I know he didn’t. He’s too much of a little bitch for that.”
“Of course not! He said my dad would want me to be with him!” I bit down hard on a pickle, imagining it was a certain appendage of his.
“Oh, I’m going to fuck him up!” She stood, going straight for her keys on the counter. “That dirtbag is going to wish I just keyed his car. Stay here. There’s bail money in my top drawer.”
“That’s not all,” I teased, patting the table in front of the seat beside me. “Sit, mi amor.”
She grabbed her keys before sitting down, her nails tapping loudly as she bounced her knee. “He is a bonafide shit-eating, lie-telling, piece of fuck!”
“Not a piece of shit?” I asked with a grin.
“Nope, now tell me what he did.”
“For one, you’re not going to do anything. Promise?” As much as I would have loved for Karine to go to town on ruining him, I’d already bopped him in the nose, and I didn’t want her to fight my battles.
“I promise nothing.”
“Then I tell you nothing.” I sat back with a Cheeto, waiting for her to fold.
She scowled, leg still bouncing like crazy. “You suck so many dongs right now, Nippers.”
“Are you done yet?” I asked, sinking my teeth into the spicy snack.
She crossed her arms defiantly. “Fine. I promise.”
“Say it like you mean it,” I teased.
She glared at me, her false lashes heavy over her eyes as she suddenly batted them. “You wicked, wicked woman. I promise I won’t hurt, harm, or otherwise him or his property.”
“He slashed my tire.”
She tensed but let out a sigh after a moment, pulling her phone from her cleavage.
“No comment?” I was surprised. I thought she’d go off the wall at the news.
A slow smile spread across her lips as she looked up at me. “You never said I couldn’t post online.”
22
“Juniper Ivy, how did I give birth to you?”
Mom frowned at my attempt of a candy cane, the spiral of red and white dough droopy and sad.
“It looks like a penis,” Pop noted, chuckling to himself as he decorated coconut snowman cookies.
“It does, doesn’t it?” Mom cackled, standing next to her tray of perfect smores ones like a showoff. “Why’d you put a head on it like that?”
They weren’t wrong. I did give it a bit of a mushroomed end when I accidentally flattened it with my thumb.
“I’m trying,” I defended, twirling my next cookie. “We can’t all be culinary prodigies, Mother.”
Baking a mass quantity of cookies was our Christmas Eve tradition. So far, it went off without a hitch, including my crappy baking. The only thing missing was Sage.
She rested two fingers on my forehead, rubbing them in a circular motion. “Here. I’ll rub some of my cooking mojo off on you.”
“Be careful, Mabel. Your keys are awfully close to her. She might carve a wiener into your belly.”
Mom grinned as she piped marshmallow topping on her perfect graham cracker round. “Speaking of wieners, have you heard from Sage? He’s supposed to be here already.”
“Nope.” I kept twisting my dough, forming more of a churro than a candy cane.
“What’s going on with you two?” she asked, moving on to the next cookie with her piping bag. “You’ve been bickering like hell.”
“He’s a jerkoff.” I grabbed the next wads of white and red and began twirling to form a crooked cane. But it was still a cane, dammit.
Mom looked up from her precious cookies. “But he’s still your brother. What happened?”
It was now or never. Either I’d tell her, or Sage would, and my version would be way better. And truthful.
“I’m dating Dash.”
Pop dropped the cookie he was holding, Pierogi quickly darting in for a feeding frenzy. He happily munched on the fruits of his labor - a sugar cookie with a heap of white icing and coconut on top.
Mom looked just as shocked, her green eyes doubling in size while her mouth fell open. “You’re…what?”
“I know.” I set the dough on the baking sheet, grabbing my hot cocoa for a sip as my mouth went dry.
“Dash is a great man, honey. You shouldn’t be ashamed. Sage needs to put on his big boy panties.”
I nodded, taking another sip. “Tell that to him.”
“Tell that to who?” Sage strolled in the screen door, Mom leaving it open as the temperature reached Hell with the wall ovens blazing.
“You need to put your big boy panties on,” Mom informed, returning to her cookie babies. “Worry about yourself - not your sister.”
Sage stiffened, looking straight at me, knowing exactly what I’d told her. “I’m not worried about her at all. She’ll fuck this up, too. It’s what she does best.”
It was like an icepick to the chest, but I didn’t let it show. He was after the reaction, and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing it.
“You’re so sweet,” I sighed, working the dough in my hand into the biggest, thickest penis I could. “Here ya go. I made you something to choke on.”
He took it happily and bit the head, sinking his teeth right into the raw dough. “Thanks. Tastes like the snake that made it.”
I summoned my best inner viper and hissed, making Mom and Pop laugh. “Don’t eat raw stuff. I want to flick you in the face right now, but I don’t want you to have a Merry Shitmas.”
He grinned, tossing the rest of the dough in the trash. “I still love you,” he admitted. “But if I do deck the halls with boughs of diarrhea, I’ll shit on your pillow.”
“In that case, thanks in advance for the pink eye. Great Christmas present.” I explored his friendliness cautiously, shooting him a nervous smile. We hadn’t spoken since the tree farm incident, and I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“Where have you been, oldest spawn?” Mom asked, eyeing Sage over.
“The damn alarm went off again at the gym, so I had to swing by on the way to check it out.”
“What set it off this time?” Pop asked, putting a nose on his next cookie with Mom cringing over his shoulder at the snowman’s crooked eyes. “That thing is always going off.”
“Not sure,” Sage admitted, wandering over to swipe a peanut butter blossom off the cooling rack beside me. Mom swatted him as he did.
“Hands off, you leech!” she griped. “Go wash your hands and get to work, freeloader.”
He ducked with a laugh to avoid another blow, heading to the sink.
“How was your last day of school, Junebug?” Pop asked, moving on to another wonky-eyed snowman.
“It was a day,” I replied, not wanting to go there with a ten-foot pole with them. While Karine was easy to talk off a ledge, Sage would actually do something, regardless of how ticked he was at me. “I’m happy to have the time off to relax.”
“You get a flat?” Sage a
sked, stealing another blossom as he dried his hands on the dishtowel. “I saw the donut on your car. Make sure you replace that ASAP.”
“Yeah.” If Sage found out how, Brandon would need all the help he could get to save himself.
“Are we okay to deliver cookies to the neighbors later, or what?” Mom looked between us, pausing her marshmallow duty.
“I’m fine,” I replied, turning to Sage.
“Obviously, you are,” Sage mumbled, swiping another cookie. “I’ll stay here with Pierogi and make sure he doesn’t start a brothel in the basement.”
Mom glared at him, brushing a stray bang from her face. “Stop being a turd, Sage. I’m serious.”
“I’ll go,” he relented, not putting up much of a fight at all. “But I call Nuneses. Juni can go to her in-laws.”
“Can you not?” I set my final cookie on the tray, a pang of sadness striking my core at his answer. “He’s your best friend. Stop acting like a child.”
I was already beating myself up enough over it. I didn’t need him shoveling more guilt on top of the pile.
Sage leaned back against the counter, ignoring cookie duty. “Where is lover boy, anyway?”
I rolled my eyes, flipping him off as I headed to the oven with my cookies. “He’s working. You should know that. He’s your best friend.”
Originally, Dash was supposed to spend the night at my place the night before, but he covered a shift for a friend, pulling an all-nighter and leaving my bed empty.
“Sorry, I don’t keep a GPS tracker on his balls like you do,” he shot back. “I have my own life.”
“Sorry, I forgot that you only have time for you, your reflection, and whatever girl in tight pants happens to be walking by.”
Mom and Pop burst into laughter while Sage tried to fend off a smile. A smile that cracked his grouchy veneer.
Three hours later, we were exhausted, having baked and packed an obscene amount of cookies. In all, we made over a dozen recipes, and the kitchen showed it.
While Mom sorted the tins, I tackled the messy counters. Not to toot my own horn, but my station was relatively clean, only a few smatterings of icing from when I got a little excited with my decorating.
Sage’s, however, was a disaster, sugar and flour swirled with melted butter, a streak of poo-like icing smeared like cave drawings.
Sage and Pop handled the dishes, so I couldn’t complain. It was my least favorite chore, and I got a bit of satisfaction every time I threw a stray spoon in the dishwater and it splashed Sage’s stupid muscle shirt, cut 4 u across his chest.
Pierogi handled the floor like a furry Roomba, licking up crumbs while we all fluttered around. When he had his fill, I swept, grabbing the Swiffer to eliminate any stragglers afterward.
“Alright, my elves. Time earn your cookies.” Mom wandered in from the dining room, a massive tin in each hand. “It’s snowing, so get your coats.”
I grabbed a tin from her and headed to the coat rack, sliding my pea coat on stiffly. It bunched up the arms of my sweater, giving me the oh-so-sexy Michelin man look. I glanced at my tin, reading Bane in Mom’s frilly handwriting, and I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or worried.
On one hand, I didn’t have to worry about Sage’s fist meeting my boyfriend’s mouth, but on the other, I didn’t know what, or if, Dash had told his parents.
I hurried out the door so Sage couldn’t snatch away my lucky pick, trudging down the steps that were coated in fresh snow. The icy flakes danced as I headed straight out into the street, crossing the plowed cul-de-sac rather than attempting to battle the partially-shoveled sidewalk, the street plow covering up an hour of my work from just after I arrived with a mountain of snow.
I said a silent prayer as I walked up the Bane’s front steps, ringing the doorbell with one last Hail Mary.
Marie answered in a powder blue pouf dress and heels, her hair a pristine braided chignon that put my messy ponytail to shame. “Juniper!” she greeted, hauling me in for a stiff hug. “So nice to see you, dear!”
“Hi, Mrs. Bane. I have a cookie delivery.” I stuck the tin out awkwardly with a weak smile, my heart beating wildly.
It was silly to be so nervous. I’d talked with Marie a hundred times. But that was before I was her son’s girlfriend. Animosity was a law between us now, right?
“Oh! Thank you!” she cooed, taking the container in her hands, her silver tennis bracelet shining in the blinding light outside. “Come inside, honey.”
I glanced over my shoulder, hoping Dash would magically appear, but no such luck. So I followed her inside, watching her prance across the walnut floor. I could only hope to someday have half as much poise and grace as she had in her pinky toe.
“How have you been, Juniper?” she asked, setting the tin on her kitchen island.
They’d remodeled their house a few years back, the split level gutted to an open floor plan on the main level, everything top of the line. They had a Viking stove Mom drooled over along with a pizza oven, two items they hardly used.
“I’ve been good,” I replied automatically, leaving out the part where my life had gone to the dogs over the last few days. “How are you and Ned?”
“We’re fine.” She eyed me with a smile from the island. “Dashiell tells me you’re dating?”
So he did spill it. That was a good sign.
“Yeah, crazy, right?” I laughed, suddenly feeling ridiculously underdressed. Here she was lounging around looking like a glam housewife while I was a trampy troglodyte in jeans and a low-cut t-shirt, having reached the very bottom of my closet after refusing to do laundry. Good thing I had my coat on.
“Oh, I’m so happy!” she beamed, her hands clasping over her mouth as she smiled. “You know, he’s never told me about his dates before. Never.”
My heart fluttered at the news, and I couldn’t keep my smile at bay. “You raised a good man.”
I heard the rumble of his truck out front then, my nerves stirring in my belly at the prospect of seeing him again.
“He says Sage is very angry,” Marie said softly, her head bowing a bit. “That makes me so sad. They are like brothers.”
I nodded, guilt cutting to the front of the emotion line. “It seems like it’s turning around, though. Sage was much better…” I started, but shouting outside cut me off.
So much for that.
23
I rushed outside, expecting the men to be trading blows, but I found them across the cul-de-sac around my car.
“What are you doing?” I called, hurrying over to them just in case anything happened.
Dash turned, his handsome face stubbled and worried. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?’ I asked as I reached them, looking between he and Sage.
He pressed a quick peck on my lips, a kiss that made Sage visibly stiffen. He looped an arm over my shoulder, guiding me to look at my car, all four tires flat. Including the donut. Every tire had the same heart-shape slashes.
“Brandon,” I breathed, the hair on the back of my neck standing up.
“What about him?” Dash asked, searching my expression.
“Don’t get mad.” I looked between the two again, Sage actually reddening with anger as I said it. “I’m serious. Don’t freak out. Please.”
Dash nodded while Sage shrugged. That was good enough for me.
“He did this to my rear tire yesterday. That’s why I have the donut on my car.”
“Did you call the cops? Jesus, babe.” Dash looked down at me, his green eyes alarmed.
“No, I figured that I carved his car, and that it was payback. Besides…I did punch him in the nose.”
“You what?” Sage and Dash said in unison.
I sighed, shaking my head, wishing it was all a bad dream. “It’s a long story, but basically, he proposed and I whacked his nose.”
“Whacked?” Sage asked, his brows creasing in confusion.
“I hit him with the palm of it like you taught me,” I explained, giving him two
thumbs up.
“Juni, you need to report this. This isn’t a tit for tat. He’s trying to scare you. He could hurt you, babe.” Dash looked at the tires and me, more worry coating his face with each glance.
“I’m fine! Karine knows, and we have a bunch of locks.”
“Did you get your key back from him?” Sage asked sharply. “And not to be a buzzkill, but Karine is five-foot-squat, and no match for a grown man intent on hurting someone.”
“Yeah, he threw them at me after I sculpted his car.” I had to find them in the mud on his lawn too, which was no picnic in the dark.
Dash’s arm tightened around me, pulling me close. “Juni, listen to me. He slashed your tires. Twice. This isn’t something to ignore. You need to report this.”
I looked to Sage, whose fists were balled at his sides, his mouth moving with inaudible curses. “Sage?”
He looked to me with nothing but rage in his eyes. “Call the police. He better hope they find him before I do.”
Nice to know it only look a tire-slashing psycho to bring Sage and Dash back together. They reunited in the fight against evil in the form of my angry ex, planning out schedules of who was staying with me when, like personal bodyguards.
It was a little much, honestly.
When I said I’d wanted more craziness in the house, I was kidding. A little. I wanted something to change up the monotony, but I didn’t want Karine’s nemesis staying with us. I could hear her cussing us both out in Portuguese just thinking of it.
I did file a report, as they asked, a patrol officer coming out to take pictures and statements. He also suggested an order of protection, but I didn’t know how it would work with him being my boss. I was sorta stuck with him until the end of the school year.
When all the fuss was over, I just wanted to go home, but both men argued over who got to have the first night of guard duty. Dash won the argument and drove me home, my car towed to his dad’s repair shop until further notice.
Karine was with her family visiting her grandmother in Cape May, so it was just Dash and I in the house. Naturally, I welcomed the couple time with open arms.
