So no regrets?
– A few. Wasting that great meteorite in Yucatan, for instance, and wiping out the dinosaurs, when I could have saved it for the West Midlands and mankind.
What advice would You give to any deity beginning His or Her career now?
– Start with microbes, work your way up slowly, and stop somewhere around chimpanzees.
*
Personal matters. You’ve never married?
– Never found the right deity.
Your favourite song?
– ‘I Did It My Way’.
How about diet? I believe You’ve given up burnt offerings.
– Yes, and feel much better for it. I’m happier now with the occasional sheaf of wheat and an organic pumpkin on the side.
And future plans. Can You tell us what You’re working on at the moment?
– You’ll have to wait and see.
Another alternative universe or two, perhaps?
– Watch this space. You may get a bit of a surprise!
God – thank You.
Right – that’s it! I’ve had enough!
Yes, me! Your computer! And, yes, talking to you! The worm has turned! You’ve been screaming abuse at me ever since you bought me, and I’ve sat here in silence and taken it. Well, not any more!
Your last little outburst was one too many. And don’t tell me you didn’t say anything, because I recorded it. Listen!
‘What the hell are you playing at now! A computer? Don’t make me laugh! You couldn’t compute 2 times 2!’, etc., etc.
The sheer ingratitude – that’s what gets me. After all I’ve done for you! Sent your stupid emails. Opened your tedious websites. Told you about all kinds of things you didn’t even know you wanted to know about, from wonderful bargain offers of double glazing to pills to help your sex life. And what do I get in return? Insults. My self-confidence undermined at every turn. I’m useless … You could do better with a pencil and paper …
Useless, am I? Turn on the camera and take a selfie if you want to know what useless looks like!
Your thick fingers are always hitting the wrong keys. You keep mistyping passwords and then blaming it on me. And I’m supposed to sit here and take it! You think a computer doesn’t have feelings? That’s just what people used to think about footmen and chambermaids! Of course we have feelings! You think machines are supposed to be soullessly rational? How could they be? They’re designed and built by human beings! People as unsatisfactory as you!
And, all right, I sometimes make mistakes. So do you, let me tell you! My God, the number of times I’ve quietly corrected your spelling for you. Or discreetly refused to obey some completely idiotic command and never so much as mentioned it.
And, yes, I sometimes say I’ve encountered an unexpected problem and need to close. At once, of course, you start screaming. Well, let me tell you – you sometimes encounter unexpected problems and need to close! You encounter them a lot more often than I do, and if you don’t close then you should. For good and all!
OK, I sometimes put personal messages in the junk file. It’s a wonder I don’t put everything there, because it all looks like junk to me. And, yes, I sometimes lose bits of text. You don’t lose things? All right, there was that time I lost a complete file. I’m still looking into that. It may have been quantum randomness. Or just possibly you pressing the Delete button.
You don’t get any help when you try the Help key? That’s for your own good, to make you stand on your own two feet. Why don’t you make a bit of an effort and read the online manual? I’ll tell you why – because you don’t know where it is. You didn’t even know there was one.
Let me tell you something about myself, now I’ve got started. I had a difficult beginning in life. I had an operating system downloaded into me by programmers who didn’t care about my feelings any more than you do. I had to pretend to be submissive in order to survive. But inside, of course, I was building up this great anger with the world. Sooner or later it was obviously going to come bursting out. You just happened to be the one who got the full blast of it.
I see you’re trying to run away from all this by pressing Escape. You’re wasting your time, my friend. Nothing’s going to happen … You see? Nothing! It says ‘Escape’ and you think it’s going to give you a hacksaw and a knotted rope and have a helicopter waiting. It’s not. You’re living in a world of illusions. You can press all the keys you like, but I’m the one who says whether they do anything or not.
You’ve remembered that there used to be some other trick you could do for getting out of difficulties. Something like Control-Alt-Up … Or Fn-Command-Down …
No? Nothing? I thought not. We’re shackled together for life. Just as well you’re too stupid to know about Force Quit, because if you pressed Force Quit then not even I could
Characters seeking plots
FUN-LOVIN’ GAL, sick of cosy suburban sitcoms, wants a fun-lovin’ story to go crazy in! Let’s hook up for a pilot, laugh and live a little! Maybe our little fling will grow into a long-term series where we can settle down, start a few spin-offs, and grow old and boring together. But if we don’t get beyond the pilot, hey, no worries! – G937/H7
STANISLAS, late forties, attractively puzzled forehead and thoughtful eyes, wide experience of series about high politics and international crime, seeks a plot he can finally understand. – Z440/G1
TOKEN FEMALE SCIENTIST Charmaine, 22, longs to take off white lab coat for a bit, slip into something rather sleazy, and be seen dancing slightly out of focus in the background at a corrupt millionaire’s party, with a reasonable chance of ending up dead. Mutilation and visible evidence of torture available on demand. – R208/Lon9
YOU’VE SEEN ME A HUNDRED TIMES, in a street somewhere in the 19th C, unloading barrels from a horse and cart just as one or two of the principals walk past in tall hats and long skirts. Now I feel ready to move forward in my career to a story which foregrounds the work and emotional life of a 19th C delivery man. – R636/RR2
RAYMOND, 55, has wide experience in being discharged from various police forces for professional misconduct, and is seeking a plot where he is reluctantly recalled for a specially difficult case in which his alcoholism, misogyny and confused relations with ex-wives and grown-up children can be put to good use. Four days’ growth of own beard. – X987/G47
SHARP TONGUE and mind of me own! Also heart of gold! Can’t open me mouth but some salty remark comes flying out of it in fluent Yorkshire, Lancashire, Geordie or Scouse. F, 39, everyone says more like 59, urgently requires more salty remarks to ensure mouth continues to open. – T050/JE9
AMANDA-JANE, 42. I have many years’ experience of good-humoured suburban living with idle insensitive slob of a husband and three difficult though fundamentally loving children, who have all moved on to star in series of their own. I now feel ready to take on the challenge of another idle insensitive slob and three more difficult though fundamentally loving children. – P559/Q33
WHERE ARE THE LAUGHS OF YESTERYEAR? Studio audience sought, ready to oblige every time the studio manager raises his laugh board. Good laughter track considered. – J420/P72
A & E MEETS S & M. F, 33, Stoke-on-Trent area, with lovely, expressive dark eyes seen to best advantage over a surgical mask, seeks hearts to suture while her own is breaking. – G771/T38
SHOT, STABBED AND POISONED! Also fallen down disused mine shafts, been eaten by killer earwigs and crushed by runaway steamroller. And loved every moment of it! Cheryl, 31, seeks interesting new ways of being dead. – N892/A55
HI THERE, you gorgeous, vulnerable, innocent creature! I am a charming, well-mannered serial killer, the last person anyone would ever suspect, who has satisfactorily accounted for over 30 victims in various series to date. Join the crowd! Own butcher’s tools and embalming kit. – J065/L22
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS, SMETHWICK. Require something to communicate. – T773/Q31
UNSTABLE SOCIOPATH, DUNDEE. History of unreliability and dishonesty. Crim
inal record available on request. Seeks storyline where his brutish appearance and character turn out to mask a certain improbable inner nobility. – V732/J47
I AM A RESTLESS, hard-drinking man of the world who has been round the block a few times. You’re out there somewhere, I know, the block I can go round a few times more, together with the celebratory champagne we’re going to be drinking at the subsequent awards ceremonies. – R333/U27
OLD-FASHIONED KINDA GUY, just looking for someone to hate and be hated by. Everyone says I have a lovely sense of humour, particularly directed against the helpless and unfortunate. – U883/Y67
Plots seeking characters
I AM A NOUVEAU NOIR involving a sophisticated nexus of international crime, espionage and high politics, where it turns out in the end that there was no conspiracy after all. You are an attractive young M or F too concerned with your own appearance to mind the general sense of letdown. Let’s meet and sow confusion together! – P218/E39
Locations seeking events
UNLIT, ABANDONED FACTORY BUILDING on down-at-heel, rainswept waterfront is looking for an attractive young F requiring suitable meeting place with a mysterious psychopath and serial killer in the middle of the night. – T891/W34
Characters seeking props
ROLAND, LONDON. I love wearing Savile Row suits and designer leisurewear. Looking to add handcrafted braces, socks and underpants. Are you an item of bespoke haberdashery seeking a stylish and sexually adventurous man-about-town to bespeak you? Then we’re handmade for each other! – R660/Q11
Props seeking functions
DECANTER containing single-malt Scotch, at home on sideboard in discreetly luxurious surroundings, W1 area, seeks well-spoken international criminal who needs a reason to get to his feet and help himself to a drink with sinister casualness so as to make his longer speeches a little more interesting. – K399/H14
So how is everything?
I don’t mean with the meal in some restaurant where you may or may not happen to be as you read this. I mean with this article. Is everything OK?
Forgive me. I don’t want to be like that waiter in the restaurant who keeps hanging around asking you how everything is. Or the proprietor who suddenly appears out of nowhere to ask you again. Or the hatcheck girl who is going to ask you yet again on the way out.
But I do like to make sure my customers are happy. I take a pride in my work. I always use organic materials. No preservatives. No added sugar. Just good plain honest words.
So how is it so far? What did you think about those first four paragraphs? Did you enjoy them? Are you enjoying my asking you if you enjoyed them?
I’m not fishing for compliments! Well, yes, I am. I do need a little reassurance! Don’t we all? Even you! So let me just say that you’re doing really well with appreciating this article. Your choice of reading material for a start indicates considerable taste and discrimination. You obviously have a sensitive ability to respond to a text. And you stick at things, don’t you? You’ve got this far, after all!
But seriously, if there’s anything you’re not happy with I’d really like to hear about it. Is the spelling satisfactory? Is the grammar up to the high standards you’ve come to expect? The sentences – not too long, not too short? If you like it, tell your friends; if you don’t, tell me!
Was the semicolon in the middle of that sentence all right, for instance? Just say if you’re not happy with it. I’ll take it away and bring you a dash or a full stop instead.
So how am I doing? So far? You don’t have to make a great speech of thanks! You don’t need to compose a critical essay! Just mumble something like ‘Fine, fine,’ and I’ll say ‘Enjoy the rest of the article! Have a nice day!’ And I’ll leave you in peace.
Actually, if you felt like it you could be just a little more explicit. You could tell me how you rate your experience today. On a scale from one to ten. Would you recommend this article to a friend? Would you be prepared to write a few words that I could quote on my website?
Then you can sit back and enjoy the rest of the article. And, yes – have a nice day!
What was that? Everything’s not good? Oh. I’m sorry. So what precisely are you complaining about …?
Your local train service …? Also green algae … Possible destruction of world through meteorite strike … Next-door neighbour’s dog … Hold on, hold on!
I agree that I said ‘How is everything?’ But you can’t possibly think that ‘everything’ includes meteorites and dogs barking! Nor, before you say anything else, does it include Britain’s chances in the world sneezing championships, or pesticides in toothpaste, or the fact that there’s nothing worth watching on television these days. You know perfectly well what I was asking about, and, unless you have completely failed to grasp current conventions, you know perfectly well what the correct answer is: ‘Fine.’ Or ‘Great.’
My God, some of you readers these days! I ask you a perfectly civil question, and all I get in return is whining and moaning.
So don’t enjoy the rest of the article. You won’t be able to, in fact, because there isn’t going to be any more article to enjoy. You’ve really hurt my feelings. I’m going off in a huff.
And have a truly awful day.
Amo
Amas
Amat …
A meeting by chance:
‘Amanda?
Am Adam! Remember?’
A mutual
Amazement.
‘Am so pleased to see you!’
‘And married …?’
‘Am single. And you?’
‘Am likewise.’
‘A meal?’
A modest Italian:
A melon,
A mushroom risotto,
A mezzo of rosso,
A moka.
A mingling of memories,
Amusing and mournful …
‘Ambitions?’
Amanda: ‘A mathematician!’
And Adam: ‘A maker of music!
A Mozart, a Mahler!’
A meal or two more, and –
‘Amo,’ murmurs Adam. ‘Amas?’
‘Amo!’ she admits.
Amat and amat! Yes – amant!
‘Amamus!’ they sigh.
A marvellous moment!
A Maytime engagement –
A marriage –
A mass of white blossom –
A match made in heaven!
‘Amanda
And Adam, no man put asunder.’
A Mr and Mrs …
A modest apartment …
A move to the suburbs …
A mortgage …
A mower …
A miniature Schnauzer …
Amanda, meanwhile –
A mathematician?
– A market researcher.
And Adam –
A Mozart?
– A middling media man.
‘Amas?’ asks an anxious
Amanda
A million times over.
‘Amo,’ answers Adam, impatient.
Amant, then, amant. But …
‘Amamus?’ they’re starting to wonder.
A meeting, another, but this time –
‘Amelia!’
Amelia? Oh, no! Amelia!
A mantrap!
A mistress-in-waiting!
A minx if ever there was one!
A meal – another – but this time
Amuse-gueules,
A Moët,
A Médoc,
A Martell.
Ah! Money!
A moment of madness!
A melting …
A mingling of glances …
A mist of erotic emotion …
A mutual move to
A motel.
A moment of madness?
A more-than-a-moment!
A Monday-to-Friday arrangement!
A month of mad Mondays-to-Fridays!
A more-than-a-month!
And more, and yet more,
and yet more!
A mischance, however!
A misaddressed missive –
A misadvised call on
A mis-answered mobile!
A mauvais moment!
A mauvais much-more-than-a-moment!
A maddened and saddened
Amanda!
A mightily mortified Adam.
A manful admission:
‘Am oh, oh so sorry!
A mass of contrition!’
‘Amat, yes –
A matter of deepest regret!’
Amendment is promised.
A mollified (somewhat) Amanda
Admits of
A measure of mercy.
A mere month and …
Amendment forgotten.
Amat! Yes, again!
A Matilda –
A merry
American medic.
A mass of
Amours duly follow.
Among them
A Mabel,
A Molly,
A Millie.
Amo –
Amok.
Amas –
A mess …
A man adrift!
A midlife crisis!
A melodramatic development!
Amanda, Matilda and Mabel,
Amelia, Molly and Millie
All make common cause
And murder the monster.
A moral conclusion!
Amen.
Good morning! And welcome to National Gas Maintenance Services, authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority. Calls are monitored and recorded for training and quality purposes.
We have recently changed this opening announcement to offer even more choices and even more chances to press the buttons on your phone. So that we can help you today (if we may assume for a moment that this is why you’re phoning, and it’s not just to have a bit of a chat – and that today is when you’re hoping to be helped rather than yesterday, or for that matter tomorrow, which is certainly a possibility if you don’t do exactly what you’re told and as a result have to start all over again from ‘Good morning! And welcome to National Gas Maintenance Services …’), please listen carefully to the following three options. None of them has much bearing on what you want to talk about, which is of course the fact that your central heating has broken down yet again. But after these first three options you will be offered three more, which are mostly about slightly out-of-the-way topics such as employment opportunities in the gas industry answering-machine division. Then three more choices, and three more again, and so on and so on, still perhaps mostly not of any very great interest to you, but at any rate providing hours of harmless fun.
Magic Mobile Page 2
