His breath hot, Cole kissed Levi there. “If I mark you here... It’s permanent.”
Levi’s heart missed a beat. Cole closed his mouth around the scent gland, where he’d marked Levi once upon a time. Then he sucked, and pleasure hummed through Levi’s body.
If he marked Levi... then he would take Levi as his own. Levi couldn’t breathe. He wanted that.
Cole’s teeth brushed his skin, sharp points on Levi’s scent gland.
But they were going too fast, weren’t they? There was something important that Levi was missing, something like... like his miscarriages. Like Micah’s scars. Like a better life for Cole somewhere out there.
His heart squeezing tight, Levi planted his hands against Cole’s chest and shoved him off, panting with the force of it.
“No,” Levi said, his heart aching when the light went out of Cole’s eyes. “I can’t. It’s... it’s too soon.”
Cole swallowed, taking a deep breath. He rubbed his face, then took another step back. “Yeah,” he said, his disappointment heavy between them. “I understand.”
But that felt wrong, too.
“Look, I—” Levi squirmed. “I just meant the bonding mark. But the rest... the stuff about being real... I want that.”
“You do?” Delight flickered back into Cole’s gaze; he stood a little straighter.
“Yeah.” Levi blushed, looking away. “Just... just not commitment. I can’t deal with that right now.”
Slowly, Cole crept forward, slipping his fingers into Levi’s hand. Then he smiled, hesitant and boyish, and Levi’s stomach flipped.
“So we’re still good,” Cole murmured, meeting Levi’s eyes. “You like me.”
Levi’s face burned. When Cole offered safety and comfort, when he looked at Levi like that... what wasn’t there to adore about him?
“I like you,” Levi mumbled, looking at his feet.
Cole pulled him into a hug, warm and tight, his embrace so very welcome. “I like you too,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Levi’s head. “Very much.”
Something eased in Levi’s chest. Something that whispered, This feels like home.
Faintly, across the house, something crashed. It sounded bad, like an explosion.
9
Levi
“Shit,” Cole said. He released Levi, his eyes alert, his body tense. “Kitchen.”
Levi took Cole’s hand, his ribs squeezing tight. Had something happened to Gran?
The smoke alarms were silent when they hurried to the kitchen. Pulse racing, Levi followed Cole through the doorway.
Gran stood far back from the stove, her face pale, her back pressed against the island counter. She wasn’t looking at them, though.
Before her, on the stove, a pot had dented the burner. Cole glanced up; Levi followed his gaze. On the ceiling high above the stovetop, a lid had lodged itself into the plaster. What kind of force had the pot exploded with?
“Oh, dear. Oh, dear,” Gran repeated, over and over.
“Gran,” Cole said, releasing Levi to stop by her side. He scanned her for injuries. “You okay?”
Gran nodded. But she couldn’t take her eyes off the stove. “Is it safe to touch? I had breakfast ready and I’d prepared a stew. But the pressure cooker... I guess I didn’t close it properly.”
Levi’s stomach dropped. He couldn’t imagine Gran having been so close to an exploding pot.
Over Gran’s white curls, Cole met Levi’s eyes. “Here, why don’t you sit down with Levi,” Cole said. “I’ll look everything over and make sure it’s fine.”
Not for the first time, Levi was thankful for Cole’s presence. He took Gran by the arm, tugging her slowly away from the kitchen.
“But you have to be careful, too,” Levi said, looking pleadingly at Cole. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
Cole cracked a smile. “I’ll make sure not to. Have an omega to claim.”
That warmed Levi’s insides.
Cole took a while to check the various appliances, shutting off the electrical circuits in the kitchen. Then he moved the pots and pans away from the stove, found a ladder, and eased the metal lid out of the ceiling. Bits of plaster rained down on the floor, and onto Cole’s flexing biceps.
Levi hadn’t thought anyone could look brief-dropping sexy doing that, but with how Cole knew exactly what he was doing... Levi couldn’t tear his eyes away.
In another lifetime, when Levi was more deserving... maybe Cole could be his.
It was a nice thought to have.
It took more time yet to clean up the kitchen. By the time Cole declared the place safe and Levi had stopped shaking so much, Gran was munching on the pancakes.
“These aren’t half-bad,” she said, taking another bite. “Eat them before they get any colder.”
Cole joined them in the living room with mugs of coffee and some cutlery. “I can’t believe you’re both eating with your hands.”
“That’s what hands are for,” Levi told him. Then he rolled up a pancake, dipped its end into whipped cream, and held it up to Cole’s mouth.
Cole gave him a look.
“You had to make it long, didn’t you?” Cole asked dryly.
Levi frowned, confused. Except Cole closed his mouth around the tip of the pancake roll, meeting Levi’s eyes.
It almost looked like he had a cock in his mouth. Levi stared. And then flushed, looking down at his bacon and eggs. Cole took the rest of the pancake roll into his mouth, chewing on it.
They hadn’t exactly finished what they’d started this morning. And after their earlier conversation... The next time they fucked—that would be real too, wouldn’t it?
“I’m glad Levi has someone like you around, Cole,” Gran said, patting Cole on the shoulder. “Levi needs someone to take care of him and make him happy.”
“I’ll make him happy, all right,” Cole growled, his eyes dark.
That sent tingles down between Levi’s legs.
“Oh! I forgot to ask.” Gran coughed into her napkin. “I’d like a family photo of you two with a couple of children. For my knitting club competition,” she added. “Remember, Levi? It’ll have to be the same children as any other photos you take, or the club will start to smell a rat. Can you do that?”
Levi chewed on his lip. It wasn’t impossible. And with the way Gran had been coughing since she got here...
“My brothers have a couple of kids,” Cole said. “It shouldn’t be a problem.”
It would be bittersweet, though. Cole and Levi, with a couple of children who weren’t theirs. If Levi could somehow keep this baby, if he could give Cole a child and they could, one day, be a family...
Levi’s heart fluttered with hope.
Cole settled next to him on the rug, wrapping his arm around Levi’s waist. “Penny for your thoughts?”
“It’ll be a nice picture,” Levi told him, touching the flat surface of his own belly. Cole watched knowingly, but he didn’t say a word. “Gran doesn’t seem so well, though. You’ve been coughing, Gran.”
Gran waved it off. “I’m fine,” she said, tucking into her pancakes. “Your gran’s not about to keel over yet.”
Levi wasn’t convinced, but Gran seemed to do okay through the rest of breakfast.
When Gran finally bade her goodbyes, Levi breathed out a sigh. It was difficult, listening to her encouragement. You’ll definitely carry this one to term, Levi. I believe in you. The baby will look just like you and Cole!
Easy for her to say, when she’d never had a failed pregnancy.
He watched as Gran’s car rumbled down the driveway, the tall iron gates opening for her. Then she disappeared onto the road, and Levi sagged against the doorjamb, his forced cheer fading away.
Cole tangled their fingers together. “You’ve never told her about the other miscarriages, huh?”
Levi shrugged. “I didn’t want to disappoint her. You saw how excited she was.”
Cole sighed. “Levi.”
His tone made Le
vi wince. “Yes?”
“Stop putting her feelings before your own. She needs to know how much her words are hurting you.”
“Does it matter?” Levi turned away from the front steps, ducking back into the house. “I want her to be happy. She’s sick.”
“She didn’t look all that sick to me.” Cole followed him back into the living room, grabbing a rasher of bacon off a plate. “You sure she’s not lying about that?”
Levi looked at him, aghast. “How could you think she’s lying?”
Cole shrugged, crunching on the bacon. “Outsider’s perspective. I don’t have to believe her.”
But Gran had been sick for a year, maybe more. Levi still remembered the day she called him, her voice all hoarse and her tone sad. “I know she’s sick. She just doesn’t look it.”
Cole thought about his words. Then he shrugged. “Okay.”
Levi eyed the food piled on the plates, his appetite gone. Plaster flecked Cole’s shoulders and hair, left over from retrieving the lid from the ceiling.
Hesitantly, Levi reached up, brushing the flecks off Cole’s solid, broad shoulders. Cole was warm beneath his shirt, and Levi couldn’t help lingering on his shoulders, reaching up with his other hand to brush the plaster out of Cole’s hair.
This wasn’t a pretense anymore. It was real.
Cole’s gaze rested on him, heavy and intent. “The next time your Gran visits... if you don’t tell her about the other miscarriages, I will.”
Levi winced. “Then she’ll be disappointed in me, Cole. I can’t... I don’t know if I can face her anymore.”
Cole rolled his eyes. “If she likes you enough to give you this entire mansion, then you can be sure she’ll understand any fertility issues you have.”
Levi didn’t believe him, though. Easy for Cole to say, when Gran wasn’t his family to turn to. “Well, don’t. Please.”
Cole blew out a breath, eyes narrowed. “I don’t want her to hurt you.”
“I’m not that hurt. I promise. Besides, maybe she won’t talk about it again.”
“Fine.”
Cole closed his fingers around Levi’s wrist, bringing Levi’s hand to his lips. Then he kissed the pads of Levi’s fingers, every single one of them. Levi’s breath hitched.
“Do you still...” Cole tangled their fingers together. “Do you still visit Jay these days?”
He’d asked the question softly, tentatively. Levi appreciated the care in his words. But it still brought to mind the gathering of tiny tombstones, and it made Levi’s heart hurt.
“Not often,” Levi mumbled. “Once a year.”
It took Cole a while to say his next words. “If it’s okay with you... I’d like to visit.”
Jay had been his child, too.
“You’ll be allowed on the family property if I’m with you.” Levi wet his lips, putting together a mental list of things for the trip. “When would you like to go?”
“Now?” Cole looked uncertain then, and Levi’s heart softened.
Levi had made plans to clean up the mansion this morning, maybe unpack some of his clothes. But the sooner they got this visit over with, the better... right?
They made the drive in silence, Cole’s hand on Levi’s thigh. It wasn’t an erotic touch, just... comforting. Levi appreciated Cole’s presence. He breathed in Cole’s maplewood-and-smoke scent, setting his hand on top of Cole’s at stoplights. Cole cracked a couple of smiles.
On his regular visits to the graves, Levi avoided the rest of his family. He parked on the far side of the property, as close to the birch forest as he could, and walked the rest of the way.
This time, though, he had Cole with him, Cole holding his hand so he wasn’t alone.
It had been a long time since Cole was here. Years.
Cole was silent through the walk. He glanced around them, sniffing at the warm summer air. Then he stepped closer to Levi, their arms bumping.
Levi could tell when Cole recognized the place, because his hand tightened around Levi’s. Cole sucked in a deep breath, his footsteps slowing at the edge of the clearing.
They had been so young that night, when Levi had given himself to his alpha. That had been Cole’s eighteenth birthday, and they’d laid under the stars in this very spot.
“You still remember?” Levi asked anyway.
“There ain’t a chance I’ll forget,” Cole said thickly, his gaze landing on the far side of the clearing.
There, white stones dotted the grass. They were all flat, white tablets with names chiseled into each one. The wood alphabet blocks Levi had brought the previous time were now faded, weather-worn.
Levi fished out the little plastic cars and dolls he’d brought this time around, kneeling next to the oldest grave.
Cole stopped beside him, his expression inscrutable. Then he studied the stones, reading the names—Jay, Mary, Tim, Brock, Dan.
“You buried the others alone,” Cole said quietly.
Levi nodded. “I didn’t... think anyone would want to come here with me.”
He hadn’t wanted to show anyone how much of a failure he was, anyway. It seemed that every child he conceived was destined to be buried here.
Levi swallowed past the lump in his throat. He leaned forward, tugging on the weeds that had grown around Jay’s stone. In a rustle of clothing, Cole knelt beside him, weeding the other side.
“Here’s your—” Levi began to say, except his throat closed tight. “Here’s your other dad, Jay. He loves you, too.”
His voice broke in the middle. Levi bowed his head, hiding the tears that trickled down his cheeks. He wished he could stop crying, so he wasn’t a sobbing mess so often around Cole.
The grass blurred in front of him. Levi grabbed blindly at the taller weeds, trying to act normal. But Jay had been his first baby, and he’d had such high hopes for this child.
Maybe he was crying because he wished he had that family with Cole, the one he’d been so certain would be his.
“Hello, Jay,” Cole murmured, brushing his fingers over the white stone. “I’ve missed you. Sorry I haven’t been around.”
His voice was strained. Levi knew that seeing the grave had struck a nerve with Cole, too.
He slipped his fingers into Cole’s hand, just holding him. Cole squeezed his hand back.
They weeded in silence. Then Cole murmured, “This one’s done,” and Levi fumbled with his plastic bag, exchanging the old toys for the new ones.
Next to him, Cole sniffled, too.
They moved to Mary’s grave next, then Tim’s, Cole next to Levi the entire time, holding him steady. Cole helped to weed every single tombstone, his presence comforting beside Levi, his silence companionable.
By the time they reached Little Dan’s spot, Levi had no more tears left to cry. His eyes burned, and his movements were slow, exhausted. Cole finished the last of the weeding, taking the bag of toys from Levi.
“I can do it,” Levi protested softly.
“I’ll be their adoptive dad,” Cole said, setting a doll next to Dan’s grave. He tucked away the rest of the alphabet blocks, pressing a kiss to Levi’s temple.
“That means you’d have to return next year, too,” Levi mumbled.
“I’ll do it.”
There was no hesitation from him at all. And the thought of seeing Cole again next year, regardless of how this relationship played out... Levi wanted that. He wanted this man who would adopt these children as his own, even though Cole didn’t know who their other dads were.
I like him more than I should.
They sat in the shade of a tree, cicadas buzzing in the grass around them. Cole stroked his thumb across Levi’s palm, their hands smudged with dirt.
“Is this real to you, too?” Levi mumbled.
“Yeah.”
The tear tracks had dried on Cole’s cheeks. He curved his arm around Levi, and Levi imagined all his children playing in the clearing, tumbling around, chasing each other through the trees.
“If
I had someone else’s baby, and I managed to carry it to term...”
“I’d treat it as my own,” Cole said. “Just like I’d treat you as mine.”
Levi swallowed hard, his heart thumping. “You sure are certain about me.”
Cole looked at him sidelong. “I know who you are, Levi. You haven’t changed much at all.”
Then he leaned in, pressing his nose to Levi’s shoulder. Cole sniffed at Levi’s neck, where Levi had begun to sweat a little. Instead of turning away, Cole nuzzled up Levi’s throat, kissing his jaw. Levi’s heart fluttered.
“I’m ready to go home,” Cole murmured. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Levi cracked a smile, allowing Cole to pull him to his feet. Cole brought Levi back to the headstones, touching each one of them. He waited for Levi to say his goodbyes, then headed with Levi out of the forest.
“Why are you this nice?” Levi mumbled, his heart stumbling. “To the children.”
“Because they’re yours.” Cole huffed. “Well, even if they’re not yours... They’re innocent. Good. I think all babies are born good. It’s in the way we raise them.”
Cole wanted children so much. Levi sighed. “And yet you’re stuck here with me.”
It took Cole a little longer to answer. “I don’t know if I’m ready to commit, either,” he said. “But... I want this to be real.”
“Even if I don’t know if this pregnancy will turn out okay?”
“Even then,” Cole said. He squeezed Levi’s hand, and Levi cheered up.
Cole was beyond amazing. He was wonderful, he was special. He was brave. Levi couldn’t have enough of him.
And deep down, Levi thought he might be falling in love, all over again.
10
Cole
The trip home passed in a blur. Over and over, the same images flashed in Cole’s mind. Levi on his knees, caressing the children’s graves. Levi looking away from Cole, crying softly to himself.
Levi had told Cole about the miscarriages, but it was only when Cole had seen the tombstones, when he’d seen Levi fumbling with something so simple as weeding, that he’d realized how deep Levi’s grief ran.
The Pretense: A Men of Meadowfall book Page 8
