It shouldn’t hurt—Cole knew Levi didn’t want to upset Micah more. But it did hurt anyway, Levi not wanting to hold his hand. Is there a better alpha for you somewhere out there? Someone who won’t fuck up, someone who will make you happier?
Cole didn’t have the answers to those questions. But as they left the store, it felt as though something had changed.
He just didn’t know if those changes were for the better.
19
Levi
Dinner was subdued that night. Levi tried cracking some jokes, but Cole’s attention was faraway, on the other side of town, mired in memories and what-could-have-beens.
It wasn’t fair to Cole. They had been young. All Cole had wanted to do was put a smile on the children’s faces. And it wasn’t fair to Micah, either, because Levi had brought Cole to the backyard party. If Cole hadn’t been there, the fire wouldn’t have happened.
When they brought the dishes to the sink, Cole wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, nuzzling his neck. “Let’s not break up because of Micah again,” he said, his breath warm on Levi’s skin.
Levi huffed. “Why are you saying that? Do you think we will?”
Cole turned him around, his palms heavy on Levi’s hips, his gaze solemn. “No. But we’ve never been able to get over Micah. I don’t know how to fix it.”
He was right. Levi wet his lips. “We’ll be okay,” he said, not knowing if he believed it, himself.
Cole sighed. “I wish I could wave a wand and fix everything. Or even just turn back time, you know?”
“I know.” Levi drew Cole closer, hugging him. “Let’s not think about that, okay? It’s bedtime soon.”
Cole wasn’t in a mood to fool around that night, and neither was Levi. They huddled together, Cole drawing his fingers down Levi’s chest in random shapes, their bodies barely covered at all in the summer heat.
After a while, Cole’s breathing evened out—he’d fallen asleep. Levi laid his hand over his alpha’s, right where Cole was holding Levi’s belly.
How was Bryce doing in there? Was he feeling okay?
Levi rubbed his palm down his abdomen, daring to imagine Bryce’s tiny fingers, his little face. Levi’s heart thumped for his baby.
If he could carry this child to term, and see the smile on Cole’s face... If he could prove to Cole that he could bear a baby, for once in his life... Cole would be so happy, wouldn’t he? He’d smile so wide, and he’d cradle Bryce in his arms, his eyes full of love for Levi and their child.
Levi gulped, his heart fluttering with hope.
Then his insides clenched, unbidden. Pain jolted through his body, lines of fire pulsating in his middle. Levi wheezed, curling up to try and ease the pain. Except it lingered in his body exactly where it had been a few years back, when Levi had lost the previous child.
I’m not at four months yet. There’s still a week more.
But what if his body had already begun to reject the baby?
The possibility froze him. Levi stopped breathing. Just lay there in bed, his pulse pattering, all his senses focused on his middle, trying to figure if it was just a stomachache.
For long minutes, nothing else happened. Maybe I ate too much, Levi thought, huddling up against Cole. Cole mumbled in his sleep, his fists clenching. Maybe I’m just overthinking things.
Slowly, Levi inched off the bed, padding over to the ensuite bathroom. He sat on the toilet, touching his belly. Stared at it as though it would tell him something.
Then the next wave of pain ripped through his body. Levi stifled his cry, clutching at his belly. The agony was familiar. He was miscarrying again, wasn’t he? I can’t lose him. I can’t!
Fire burned into his flesh. Levi breathed through his mouth, closing his eyes, counting from one to a hundred. He tried not to remember the mess of blood.
Slowly, the pain faded. Levi clutched his arms, trying to stop shaking. Except there was a pressure inside his body now, like he had to pass something out. It would just be feces, wouldn’t it?
It can’t be the baby. I can’t lose him. Not when Cole had been kissing the baby bump, not when Cole had been speaking to the baby every day. How would Cole react when he found out?
The pressure in Levi’s body built until pain lanced through him. He hunched over, pressing his palms over his eyes. Something inside his body would come out.
Levi was deathly afraid to find out what it was.
He clenched his hole shut for as long as he could. Didn’t want to know. He didn’t think he could face the sight of so much blood again. But the pressure increased until it began to hurt, and Levi shook with the force he needed to keep it all inside.
It burst out of him anyway, almost explosive, like his body was rejecting whatever it was.
And then he felt strangely empty, and he couldn’t breathe.
It can’t be the baby. It can’t. It just can’t. He sucked in a shaky breath, his entire body trembling. His belly was still a bump, but that told him nothing. I need to look. I don’t want to.
Slowly, Levi opened his legs, his heart pounding in his throat, his stomach roiling.
It wasn’t blood.
His stomach heaved anyway. He lurched off the toilet and turned, vomiting. Couldn’t stop himself. He trembled hard, leaning against the toilet, his senses overwhelmed.
When he eventually got everything wiped down, he leaned against the bathroom door, his limbs completely boneless.
The baby’s fine. He’s okay.
Except panic lingered in his chest. What if this happened again? What if he miscarried for real?
Trembling, Levi crept back to the bed, smelling faintly like puke.
He hadn’t even bonded properly with the baby. What would it be like for Cole, who loved Bryce so much before he was even born? Cole’s heart would shatter again. Combined with the guilt from the accident, and Levi’s broken relationship with Gran... it would be terrible for him.
Will I only bring him pain?
Levi bit his lip, watching as Cole’s forehead wrinkled. Cole growled, his legs jerking like he was trying to move. Then his arms spasmed, his fists clenching tight. He was having another nightmare. He was reliving that night at Micah’s house again. Another mistake Levi had made.
Levi closed his eyes, trying to figure out a way to solve this for Cole. So Cole wouldn’t be forever trapped in this mess. He rubbed Cole’s arms, leaning closer. Pressed a kiss to Cole’s forehead.
Cole lashed out suddenly, punching Levi’s chest. Levi gasped, winded. His ribs throbbed from the blow, and Cole... Cole was blinking himself awake, his frown deepening. “Levi?”
“I’m here,” Levi said, rubbing his chest to ease the throbbing.
“I... I was dreaming,” Cole said blearily, looking down at his fist. “I thought I hit something.”
Levi bit his lip. Should he tell Cole, or spare Cole the guilt?
Cole took Levi’s hand in his own, pressing it against his heart. In Cole’s chest, his heart thumped like a wild animal, as though it was trying to escape from his nightmare.
Then his gaze drifted down Levi’s chest, where Levi’s skin had turned pink from the punch. It didn’t hurt that much, not really. Levi would recover.
Cole reached over, brushing his fingertips over the tender spot. Levi held his breath.
“Looks like it hurts here,” Cole murmured, his gaze still sleepy. “What happened?”
Levi shrugged. Except Cole looked harder at him, his eyes turning sharp.
“What’s wrong, Levi?”
“Nothing.”
Cole leaned in, sniffing at him. He had to have smelled the puke, because he sat up in bed, serious now. “Something happened.”
“I had a stomachache.”
But Cole ran his fingers down Levi’s arms, where Levi had left finger marks from how hard he’d been holding yourself. “It wasn’t just a stomachache.”
Levi couldn’t hide anything from Cole, could he? Cole always read him so well. Levi sighed, clos
ing his eyes. “I thought I was going to miscarry.”
Cole stiffened. “Did you?”
And there lay Levi’s dilemma—if he told Cole the truth, Cole would think everything was fine, except Levi still risked losing the baby. But if Levi lied now, Cole wouldn’t hurt later, when the miscarriage inevitably happened.
Levi hesitated, unwilling to deal Cole the grief he’d felt so many times before. His gaze fell on the pink spot on his chest. A distraction.
“This was from you,” Levi said quietly. “When you were dreaming earlier. You hit me, and then you woke up.”
Horror flashed in Cole’s eyes. “I... I hit you?”
He looked down at his hands, his fists so much heavier and more powerful than Levi’s own. Then he met Levi’s gaze, carefully reaching over to touch that pink spot again.
“Gods, Levi, I... I hit you.” And the light vanished from Cole’s eyes. “Did I... cause you to miscarry?”
Cole’s breath hitched in between those words. He looked horrified, like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done.
“You didn’t,” Levi said. “The baby’s still alive.”
But how many more blows could Levi take from Cole, and not lose the baby? Cole didn’t have a history of thrashing in his sleep, but they’d just met Micah some hours ago, and it seemed to have affected him worse than before.
“I can’t believe I hit you,” Cole said beneath his breath, his chest heaving. “I... I hurt you.”
“You’ll hurt more when I eventually miscarry,” Levi said softly. “I want to spare you that.”
Cole looked up, uncertain.
But with everything that had happened... how long could things truly last between them? Levi couldn’t promise Cole a baby. He wasn’t so capable as a father. Cole would be better off finding an omega who could parent better, someone who didn’t lead Cole into mistake after mistake, saddling him with guilt.
And sometime over the next few weeks, Levi would lose this child, too. He would break again, and... maybe it was better that Cole didn’t have to witness it. It wouldn’t shatter Cole if he didn’t have to see the blood, too.
“I should leave,” Levi said, the thought so terrible that he couldn’t breathe. “I think we should be seeing different people.”
Cole’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.”
Levi looked down at his baby bump, imagining Cole happy with someone who could give him a child. Especially if it’s mine, Cole had said some months ago.
Cole reached out for him, but Levi leaned away, his heart thumping. He had to set Cole free, didn’t he? So Cole could find the perfect omega. Cole was still young. He still had a bright future ahead of him.
With his contact lenses, Levi had only been buying time, but it had solved nothing. He was still flawed, still broken. He would only drag Cole down with him.
“I’m not breaking up with you,” Cole said.
“We should.” Levi’s chest grew tight. He hadn’t thought of it before today, but now... it seemed like the best option possible. For him to release Cole, and let Cole spread his wings.
“I love you,” Cole said, his eyes hopeful and scared.
Levi’s heart cracked. “It’s the wrong choice,” he cried. “Don’t you see? We messed up the first time, and I thought it was just us being stupid. But I don’t think we were really meant for each other at all.”
Levi climbed off the bed, his heart sinking when Cole chased him, wrapping those strong, warm arms around Levi. Every cell of Levi’s body wanted to lean in. But he shoved Cole away, before he gave in to all his unworthy desires.
“I’m going to lose this baby,” Levi gasped. “I’m just going to break your heart, over and over, until you’re but a shell of a person. I don’t want that to happen to you. That’s not what you deserve.”
Cole’s eyes flashed. “That ain’t gonna happen.”
It would, except Cole wouldn’t believe it until it was too late. He would sit through another five miscarriages, until there was nothing left of his heart to break.
His chest aching, Levi shook his head. “You need to be with someone better.”
Cole narrowed his eyes. And Levi realized that Cole wasn’t leaving until Levi forced him to.
“You’re my omega,” Cole said, pleading. “I’m not leaving you.”
How do I make you leave? An alpha like that... he deserved the very best. Levi gulped, wetting his lips.
“We didn’t even bond this time,” Levi said, fighting down his wince when Cole glanced at their old bonding mark. “I can’t marry you, okay? I’ve been hurt enough times. I can’t trust that you won’t hurt me again. Gran hasn’t spoken to me in months. I don’t want you to give me a baby that’s just going to break my heart.”
“We can adopt,” Cole said. Except he faltered now, glancing again at his hands, and at the spot on Levi’s chest.
“What if someone’s house gets burned down again? What if you hurt me in your sleep?”
Levi hated himself for saying that. But Cole flinched, the hope in his eyes fading into dust.
“You want me to leave?” Cole asked, his voice breaking.
“Yes,” Levi said, his heart wringing tight with hopelessness. “You should find someone else.”
“But the baby—” Cole reached out for Levi.
Levi backed away. “I’ll text you when I miscarry. It’ll happen. We just don’t know when.”
Cole sucked in a shaky breath. Levi backed away, grabbing his clothes off the floor. Then he slipped out of the bedroom, his chest collapsing.
This had to happen. He had to free Cole, and let Cole find an omega better than Levi. Cole would be so much happier, he wouldn’t be reminded of that accident at Micah’s, and everything would go better for him.
If it meant that Levi hurt himself along the way... that was okay, wasn’t it? As long as Cole found the brighter future he deserved.
Levi stumbled into the makeshift nursery from when Jenn and Taylor had visited, glimpsing the drawings on the walls, the pictures that Cole had helped Jenn draw.
One drawing, in particular, had four stick figures with words written above them—Uncle Cole, Uncle Levi, Taylor, and Jenn.
They were a family Levi had pretended was his, except the children were gone, and Cole would seek out a better omega.
No one would need Levi, and he wished badly that he wasn’t so broken.
20
Cole
In the days after the breakup, Cole drifted.
It was difficult to come to terms with hurting your own omega. It had been accidental, and Cole hadn’t even been aware of it. In his dream, he’d seen himself setting off that firework, and he’d sprinted over, throwing a punch at his old, stupid self.
The impact had felt wrong, too jolting. Cole had woken up. And there Levi had been, with a red mark on his chest.
What if someone’s house gets burned down again? Levi had said. What if you hurt me in your sleep?
If that punch had been any lower... Time and again, Cole returned to that possibility. What if he’d punched Levi in the belly? What if he’d caused the miscarriage of their own child?
Shaken, Cole had moved out of the mansion. His guilt suffocated him.
After he’d fucked up so badly—the accident, Levi’s relationship with his Gran, and now, Cole being a threat to his own child... Cole was ashamed of himself.
How did he repay Levi for any of that? How did he right those wrongs, when he couldn’t erase Micah’s scars, when he couldn’t promise Levi the pregnancy would go okay?
Cole couldn’t help thinking about Levi, and that bump of his belly. How was Levi now? Was he happier now that Cole wasn’t a threat to him anymore?
Cole swallowed, rubbing his face. In the next room, Ollie and Eric spoke to Jenn, encouraging her to draw another picture. Taylor had wailed last night, inconsolable, and Cole had peeked into the nursery... only to find his brothers huddled around their baby, comforting the boy.<
br />
Being around his brothers’ family made his chest ache. They had everything—happiness, children, each other.
All Cole had were... his things. A job at the station. He thought about looking for a new apartment to rent, but that just seemed so... final. Like he was making plans without Levi, like he was moving on without his omega.
Four months—that had been all it had taken to fall back in love, and dream of a future with Levi. Cole should’ve just stayed away, instead of hurting them both.
He sighed into his hands, trying to shut off the laughter from the next room. Olivier and Eric were kind enough to lend him a room, let him crash here for a while so he could figure out what he was doing next.
Someone knocked softly on the door. When Cole looked up, Olivier eased into the room, peering worriedly at him.
“You should be eating,” Olivier said. “I haven’t heard you move from here in hours.”
“Not hungry.”
Olivier frowned, but Cole saw pity in his eyes.
“I’m sorry it turned out like that,” Ollie said, wincing. “I mean... I was hoping things would go right this time.”
Cole shrugged. Then he thought, Fuck it. It wasn’t like he had a face to save now. “I punched him, okay, Ollie?”
Olivier looked horrified. “What? I don’t... You aren’t that sort of person, Cole.”
“I was dreaming. Lashed out in my sleep.”
“But... you didn’t mean to.”
“I still hurt him.”
Ollie chewed on his lip. “Last I saw, he and the baby still seemed okay.”
That was good to hear. Cole blew out a sigh. Felt thankful that he could still receive news about Levi through Olivier. “Is he still staying in that mansion?”
“I don’t know.” Olivier knelt beside Cole, touching his shoulder gently. “But I think he misses you.”
Cole’s stomach twisted; his heart yearned.
Olivier hugged him, his carnation scent surrounding Cole. But it wasn’t jasmine, it wasn’t Levi, and Cole felt helpless, all over again.
“I need to do something,” Cole muttered. “I just keep fucking up.”
The Pretense: A Men of Meadowfall book Page 17
