by Ash, Nikki
Marco
November 12th
Dear Bella,
I was thinking a lot about you today. I’m eating the food here and while it isn’t too bad, it isn’t really good either. It made me think about the time you made us dinner. You must have been what? 14, I think. And I had told you I never had snow crabs before. You couldn’t believe it, so you made your mom go to the store and pick us up snow crabs, baked potatoes, and clam chowder. She helped you cook it all. It was the first time someone did something for me just because. Hayley and Caleb have always done for me and I’m not devaluing that, but they also took on being my parents. You are the first person who did it, just because. That was probably my favorite meal and not just because it tasted good but because it came from you.
Marco
November 13th
Dear Bella,
I hate Tristan. Okay, maybe I don’t, but I really, really want to. My dad called to confirm their trip today and he mentioned Tristan taking responsibility for his baby. I wanted to yell and scream and say it’s not his. It’s my baby! But then I thought about what he’s doing, what he’s giving up. Does he know I’m the dad? I think back to the day I came into your apartment pissed and high. He didn’t look like he knew. Everyone seems to think you guys are together. I hope you’re not.
Marco
November 14th
Dear Bella,
I’m sorry for yesterday. Fuck! This is what my life has come to. Apologizing in letters, for a letter I wrote and didn’t send. I know I have no right to be mad at Tristan, but I hate the thought of you two together. Fuck, there I go again. Never mind, I’m sticking to my original letter. I hope you aren’t together.
Marco
PS. I didn’t tell Ingrid about you.
November 15th
Dear Bella,
I miss you so damn much. Today I played cards with this guy who is back in rehab for the third time. I don’t think I could handle coming back here again. All I want is to be out of here. I fucked up so damn bad.
Marco
November 16th
Dear Bella,
How are you doing? If my calculations are correct, you are roughly 6 1/2 months pregnant. I wonder if you know the sex of the baby. If she’s a girl, I hope she looks just like you. Your wavy brown hair and button nose. I hope she has your soft brown eyes. I hope she has nothing of me. She should be all you. Your warm and selfless heart. I took your heart for granted, Belles. I’m sorry. I hope she has your strength. You are one of the strongest people I know. I just really hope she’s all you.
Marco
November 17th
Dear Bella,
Today I woke up and ate breakfast and thought about your obsession with eating apples for breakfast. I wondered if you still love apples or if you have moved on to another food. I read a romance novel from the bookshelf because I couldn’t find anything else to read. Is this the crap you woman all read? Because I have to tell you, those sex scenes… Well Belles, they aren’t exactly realistic. I think you should put down the romance novels and switch to mystery. But that’s just my opinion. After reading the book, I had dinner and now I’m writing you. I wonder what you’re doing right now. Who you’re with. If you’re happy. I hope you’re happy, Belles.
Marco
November 18th
Dear Bella,
My dad called today and while we were talking he let it slip you are having a little girl. I guess I better stop referring to her as a he. Damn, a little mini-you. I hope she has your brown eyes and soft brown hair. I hope she has your sass and attitude and determination. I hope she’s all you and none of me. I can picture her now, running around your dad’s gym and thinking she’s one of the guys.
Marco
November 19th
Dear Bella,
I hate this place! I hate being here. I hate talking to the counselors and sitting in these groups. I want to get out of here. Fuck! I just hate this.
Marco
November 20th
Dear Bella,
In case you didn’t notice from the letter yesterday, it was a bad day. I’m going to tell Ingrid about you tomorrow. I need someone to talk to and I can’t put my parents in that situation. It’s not fair to them.
Marco
November 21st
Bella,
So, I did it. I told Ingrid everything. I told her about our first kiss at Red Rock. I told her how I moved to get away from you. I told her about our second kiss at Brandon’s party. The night I made love to you in Colorado. I told her about our friendship and how I pushed you away. I told her I’m the baby’s father, and I told her all the horrible shit I said to you. She said I need to think about where I want to go from here. Can I live with this secret? I need to think on it.
Marco
November 22nd
Bella,
My parents, Chloe, and Mackenzie are here for Thanksgiving. Those of us allowed to have visitors, attend a dinner with our family or whoever shows up. I hate that my family has to be here, at a fucking rehab facility for Thanksgiving because of me. It makes me see how bad I fucked up and how my actions affect others. I asked how you were doing and my mom gave me a side-eye. I think she has her suspicions. I didn’t confirm or deny. I need to think about this.
Marco
November 23rd
Bella,
I hope you are having a good Thanksgiving. I imagine you with our family and friends. Our moms cooking a feast and our dads watching sports, trying to steal bites of food. I wish I were there… I hate that I’m not there because I know how much it hurts my mom when I miss holidays like today. Hopefully next year will be different.
Marco
November 24th
Bella,
I had a dream about you last night. You were lying in bed and holding our daughter. You were smiling and as I watched as an outsider, I saw Tristan walk into the room and lie next you and our little girl. Maybe it’s a sign I need to let you be happy.
Marco
November 25th
Bella,
I meet with Ingrid in 2 days and while I have thought about us, I haven’t thought about it the way she wants me to. So, I’m going to make a pro/con list to decide if I should tell the truth about being the dad.
Be back tomorrow.
Marco
November 26th
Bella,
The pro/con list isn’t going as planned. I feel like I need several lists.
Would I make a good dad?
Would Tristan make a better dad?
Should I make it known I’m the dad?
Should I insist we raise the baby together?
Should we be together?
Then I feel like I’m making a lot of decisions that are out of my control. Decisions we should be making together. But that leads back to the questions above. It’s like a never-ending cycle of questions.
Marco
November 27th
Bella,
I thought about calling you today. I picked up the phone and went to dial your number and then realized I don’t know it by heart. It’s probably for the best. What would I say? “Hey Bella. I know I’m the dad. Oh and btw I’m in rehab. Sorry about telling you, that you’re dead to me. Can I be the dad?”
Okay, now I need to think about that last part.
Marco
November 28th
Bella,
So, I met with Ingrid and told her about my questions. She gave me a list of questions to consider. The first thing I need to think about is if I want to be this baby’s father. And it kind of made me feel like a piece-of-shit. I knocked you up and while you are dealing with it, I’m getting to decide if I want to be this kid’s father. Meanwhile, Tristan stepped up and took responsibility. I shouldn’t have a choice. You and I created this baby. She is my responsibility. So, I’ve decided I am going to take responsibility once I get out of here.
Marco
November 29th
Bella,
Next ques
tion: Once I make it known I am the biological father, the next question is, do I want to be the dad. I’ve been thinking about this question. At first, I thought I shouldn’t have a choice, but the truth is, I do have a choice. People give their children up for adoption all the time. I used to wish my mom would have given Chloe and me up for adoption. I hate that she had to overdose before we were adopted. My answer to this question is that I want to be her dad. I know I fucked up, but I’m clean and I want to be in her life.
Marco
November 30th
Bella,
Next question: What do I want from you? This is one of those questions I feel like needs to be your decision as well, but when I went by Ingrid’s office to talk to her quickly about it, she said it’s important I make my decision based on how I feel and what I want. You might disagree and there’s a good chance I won’t get the outcome I want, but it’s important that I know what I want and feel and it isn’t based off what you want or feel. I need to think about this.
Marco
December 1st
Bella,
What I want. I want to be our daughter’s father. No matter what happens between you and me, I want to be a part of her life. If you want Tristan to be her dad, it will be hard, but I won’t argue. But I would like to be her dad as well. I can’t take back what I did or said, but once I get out of here, I am going to claim my daughter. I still kinda feel like my blood is tainted, but I’m working on that. Ingrid is working on it with me. What she’s helped me realize is, we are given choices and I made mine and they led to shitty consequences. Even if I believe addiction is in my genes, I made the choice to turn to them. Now I have the choice to make it right and I am going to.
Marco
December 2nd
Bella,
Next question: You and me. I need to think about this.
Marco
December 3rd
Bella,
I’m still thinking. Please know it’s not about figuring out whether I love you or want you. It’s me figuring out whether I deserve you and should pursue you.
Marco
December 4th
Bella,
I met with Ingrid today and we discussed you some more. She asked me to talk about why I left... all 3 times. Fuck, Belles. Talking about it with her, I just want to say I’m sorry. I was such a fucking coward. I should have manned up. I should have talked to you. So, I guess now I will explain myself the best I can.
First kiss, you scared the shit out of me. You were only 15 and I know age shouldn’t matter but it does. In today’s society, it does matter. Before we kissed, I knew I had feelings for you and the kiss sealed my fate. I knew I was in love with you but I also knew I was older than you and didn’t want to mess up things with our families.
Second kiss, it wasn’t planned, but I’m not going to lie. I went there hoping to see you. Then when that girl was flirting with me, I knew it was hurting you. I did it to hurt you. I wanted to push you away. I know that sounds fucked up but it’s the truth. Only instead I fucked with you by kissing you and almost taking you against the wall of the house.
Sex in the cabin. Fuck, Belles! Best experience of my life. It was everything I could have ever asked for. You were amazing.
So why did I run OVER AND OVER again? Because I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t be good enough. I was scared your dad wouldn’t approve. I was scared I would fuck up our family dynamic. I was scared to lose you. The problem is I lost you anyway.
Marco
December 5th
Bella,
Happy Birthday to me…This isn’t how I ever imagined I would be spending my birthday. Alone. Without family. Without friends. It makes me realize how badly I’ve messed up. How much time I’ve wasted. They celebrate birthdays in here by singing during lunch. There’s no cake or dessert, though. Fuck, is it weird how much I wish there was cake? Something to make me feel normal again. I didn’t even have a cake until I was 12. But then Hayley spoiled me with her made up half year birthdays, and I was given a cake twice a year. I would give anything to have a cake right now.
Marco
December 6th
Bella,
Today I’m thinking about Logan. As I think about all my woe-is-me problems, like the fact I couldn’t have cake for my birthday, he is lying in a coma. Maybe my problems aren’t so bad after all.
Marco
December 7th
Bella,
I’ve decided that I’m going to try. I’m going to tell you how I feel, how much you mean to me, how much I need and want you in my life. I am going to apologize to you for everything I’ve said and done. I hope it’s not too late and you will give me a chance.
Marco
December 8th
Belles,
Ingrid just popped my bubble. She asked me a question I didn’t want to think about but she’s making me. What if I come to you and it’s too late? What if you don’t want me or need me? What if you are in love with Tristan? Okay, maybe that’s more than one question. First, if it’s too late… no, I’m not going to go there. I refuse to believe it’s too late. I don’t believe feelings just turn on and off so I don’t believe you would just stop caring about me. Now, if you are in love with Tristan… well that’s different. If I get out of here and you are happy, I promise you I won’t fuck it up. If I’m too late because you are in love with somebody else then I will live my life with regret but I will be happy for you because you deserve to be happy. But if you aren’t in love with someone else, I am going to do everything in my power to earn your love.
Love,
Marco
December 9th
Belles,
Remember I told you about that guy David. The one who is here because he was high and abused his wife? She came to visit him today. He came in the same day as me. It’s 60 days. I’ve been clean for 60 days and so has he. Today was family day. Since my parents visited for Thanksgiving, I didn’t tell them about today. Anyway, I was sitting outside when David’s wife came in. I watched her hug him and cry. I watched them talk and smile and laugh, but the whole time I kept wondering if they will really be okay. Will he stay off drugs? Will she really be able to forgive him? Will he ever hit her again? It made me think about us. I didn’t physically abuse you, but while I was high I yelled at you. I told you you were dead to me. I hope you will forgive me. I promise you, Belles. I am going to do everything in my power to never get high again. I don’t want to be David and his wife.
Love,
Marco
December 10th
Belles,
I’m thinking about you today. I love you and miss you. I miss your brown hair and brown eyes, and your smile. I miss everything about you.
Love,
Marco
December 11th
Belles,
Today has been a rough day. I am missing my family, you, hating that I’m in here instead of making things right with you. The woman, the pregnant one I told you about a while ago. She’s 25 weeks and during lunch her baby kicked. It made me think about you (seems like most things these day make me think of you). I will never get to feel our daughter kick inside you. I wasn’t there when you found out the sex. I wasn’t there to get you ice cream like my dad did when my mom was pregnant with Mackenzie. I am missing out on everything! Fuck! I’m so mad right now. I did this shit! I DID THIS! You came to me and I pushed you away! I want to leave right now. I want to get the fuck out of here and find you.
December 12th
Belles,
I didn’t finishing writing the letter yesterday, but I sealed it as is. Today is a new day. As much as I want to leave, I’m not. I’m going to finish these 90 days and find you.
Marco
December 13th
Belles,
I talked to my dad about leaving early. I couldn’t tell him why I want to leave so he didn’t understand. He told me I can leave whenever I want and he can’t make me stay. I knew that already. I’m here by choice. Of co
urse, I’m staying, but fuck do I want to leave.
Love,
Marco
December 14th
Belles,
Ingrid can tell I’m getting antsy. She told me to make a list of everything I want to say to you once I get out. So here goes.
I’m sorry for running.
I’m sorry for running
I’m sorry for running.
