by Ash, Nikki
I pull up to her loft and she gives me a quick smile then opens the door. This time I grab her hand, not letting her get away. “Can I walk you up?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She frowns slightly and I want to argue as the image of her in my lap, us kissing, then her kissing down my face and neck, runs on replay. And fuck, do I want her. Now that I’ve had a preview of what it could be between us, I need the full-length version.
“Okay.” I nod in understanding. Then I add, “Go out with me.”
She looks at me incredulously. “Are you serious?” She’s asking me a question but the way she asks feels like she’s not really asking.
“Umm… yeah?”
“Are you not sure?”
“No… I mean…yes. I’m sure. Fuck, you’re driving me crazy.” I shake my head completely lost in this conversation, chuckling under my breath.
“Go out with me,” I say again. “I want to get to know you. Please. One date.”
She takes a deep breath, looking torn.
“What’s going on?”
“You asked me to keep my occupation away from Lexi. Then you invite me over. You bet me for a kiss. And when we pulled up here you asked to walk me up. Now you’re asking me out. If you’re hoping for a quick lay, I’m not that woman, Tristan. I can’t be that woman, but at the same time I can’t be anything more.” The last part comes out in a whisper. This woman isn’t making any sense. She doesn’t want to be a quick lay, yet she can’t be more?
“I never should’ve said what I said to you. I told you I wasn’t judging you while I was judging you. I’m sorry. I don’t care that you’re a stripper. I know there’s more to you than that, and I don’t want you for a quick fuck.” She flinches at the word fuck. “I know we just met, but I want to get to know you.”
Charlie bites down on her bottom lip, slowly releasing it. “You would seriously be okay with dating a woman who takes her clothes off”—I’m liking that visual—“and gives guys lap dances for money?” Jesus! Now I have a visual of her dancing topless for other men. And then a sobering thought hits me… how would I ever compete with all of those guys she meets every night? I can’t… I won’t… and I’ll just end up in the same situation I was in with Bella and Gina.
She doesn’t even let me answer before she says, “It was really great hanging out with you and Lexi today, but I don’t think us taking this… whatever this is… any further is a good idea.” She leans over and gives me a chaste kiss on my cheek before jumping out of my truck and running up to her loft, not once looking back, and I think to myself that maybe it’s for the best. But somewhere deep inside of me, thinks the opposite, like I just missed out on something that could’ve been amazing.
I get back to the apartment and Mason is in the living room playing Mario Cart. “I forgot all about this game. I used to play this when I was little, but when it was on the Super Nintendo. Remember that one?”
“Yeah, I do. I used to go over to Bella’s and play.” I grab the controller and Mason starts the game over again.
“How’d it go? You two looked hot and heavy when I walked in. Your text made it sound like it was a dud.” Instead of playing the racing game, he chooses battle mode and selects the course.
“She’s all over the place, man. Hot and cold. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me.” I shoot off a red turtle and it pops one of Mason’s balloons.
“How would you even know it’s you? You’ve never given a woman the time of day. Every few months, you meet a woman, fuck her, then never call her again. The only women you talk to on a regular basis are Bella, your sisters, and your mom.” Mason’s guy shoots three green turtles at me and my balloon pops.
“Coming from the ultimate manwhore himself.” I pop another one of his balloons.
“I didn’t say you were a manwhore. I know what I am and I own up to that shit. I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want a family.” He pops another one of my balloons. “I don’t want kids or the white picket fence or any of that bullshit. But that’s me. You, on the other hand—” My last balloon pops and my guy wipes out in defeat. I chuck the controller to the floor, suddenly feeling way too annoyed over a stupid video game. Mason turns to face me and he looks more serious than I’ve ever seen him. “You want that shit. You wanted it with Bella, and you wanted it with Gina.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I stand and Mason does as well.
“Before you made the decision to play hero with Bella, you were dating Gina. The words ‘I love you’ were used. The only reason why you pushed her away was because she was heavy into drugs and then she got caught on her knees giving her dealer a blow job. Everyone has a hard limit and yours is betrayal. She betrayed you.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is, you love with all your goddamned heart. You loved Gina and you loved Bella, both of which didn’t deserve you. You moved me in with you even though I’m a pain in your ass, and you give Lexi every part of you. You love with every piece of you and you got fucked. Bella fucked you over and so did Gina. It’s easy to love Lexi because she can’t hurt you, and me, I’m just your best friend. We’re safe.”
Mason stares at me and I don’t know what to say. He’s right. I’ve spent the last five years acting like I don’t care but I do. Bella apologized and I took her back as my friend, but I never really got over how deep her betrayal cut me. Gina walked away from Lexi and I pretended to shake it off, all the while hating her for hurting my daughter. I never imagined this is how my life would end up. I want everything Mason says he doesn’t. I want the family and the kids and the white picket fucking fence. I want what my parents have, but both women I gave my heart to didn’t give a fuck about anyone but their damn selves.
I don’t blame Bella. She never asked for my heart. But it still fucking hurt. And Gina… fuck! I would’ve forgiven her for running to Marco, telling him he was the father of Bella’s baby, but then she had to go and fuck her dealer. After not being enough for Bella, Gina choosing her drug dealer over me was just too much. I thought maybe she would get it together once she found out she was pregnant, but in the end she chose drugs over her own kid. What mother does that? A selfish one who doesn’t deserve to have her daughter in her life. And I got my wish, her the fuck out of Lexi’s life, but at what cost? What happens one day when Lexi asks about her mom? How do I explain the woman who gave birth to her didn’t love her enough to stick around?
“I don’t want Gina or Bella.”
Mason chuckles, shaking his head. “Thank fuck because that’s not where I was going with this. My point is, you keeping women at arm’s length at the chance it could be more will never get you and Lexi that family you want. You’re so scared you guys will get hurt, you don’t even give a woman a chance to show you she won’t hurt you. You’re always one step ahead waiting for it to happen.”
“Because it did happen!”
“Yeah, it did. About time you admit it.”
“I let Charlie in today.”
“Yeah, after you treated her like shit because she’s a dancer and giving her crap for showing up late. Then you let her run away when the ice cream place was closed. I bet you didn’t even get her number when you dropped her off.” Mason lifts a knowing brow.
Fuck, he’s right. “No, I didn’t. And you know why? I wasn’t enough for Bella. I wasn’t enough for Gina. Both of them turned to someone else. And Charlie spends every day entertaining a variety of men. I would never be enough for her. She’ll eventually turn to someone else as well. And on top of that, she’s hiding shit. I can’t fucking deal with another woman fucking me over!”
“You’ve known the woman for like a minute. And instead of giving her a chance to open up to you, you’d rather condemn her now. Stick her into the box with Bella and Gina. And who the fuck cares if she’s a stripper! Everyone needs to pay their bills. Stop making excuses. She could be the one and you aren’t even giving her a chance. Give her a fucking chance.”
> “So, does all this advice mean you’re considering settling down?” I laugh, dropping onto the couch and scrubbing my hands over my face. Mason drops down next to me.
“Nah, it’s not for me, man. Relationships mean trusting someone else to make you happy. You have to compromise and sacrifice a piece of yourself to give to someone else in order for them to be happy. I just don’t have it in me.” Mason shrugs. “I can’t be in charge of someone else’s happiness.”
He stands and heads down the hallway. As I watch him walk away, I wonder if he has any idea how many times he’s taken from himself to give to Lexi and me. How many days he’s made plans but changed them because of me and my daughter. I wonder if he has any idea how much he’s contributed to my daughter’s and my happiness. I consider pointing it out to him but don’t. One day the right woman will come along and he will give himself to her freely and it won’t be called compromise or sacrifice… it’ll be called love.
Chapter Sixteen
Charlie
It’s been three days since I drowned my sorrows in alcohol at Tristan’s house, tried to jump his bones, and then told him us going on a date wouldn’t be a good idea. The man probably thinks I’m freaking nuts, and I wouldn’t blame him in the slightest. I’m off Sundays and Mondays from the club so I’ve had plenty of time on my hands to fantasize about the man. Only in every fantasy, I give us the ending I wish we would’ve had. The one where Mason doesn’t walk in and Tristan takes me right there on the couch. Okay, if I’m honest, I might have had one… maybe two fantasies where Mason walks in and they both take me. What? I’m a woman who has had subpar sex my entire life. Let me live through my fantasies at least.
I spoke to my therapist about what happened during our session yesterday and she seems pleased with my progress. Eight months ago, I sat in her office swearing I would never be sexual with a man ever again. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting sex. Justin was the second guy I was with. The first was the cliché prom night hook up with my boyfriend of three months. He had no idea what he was doing and neither did I. He took my virginity, the entire exchange lasting five minutes at most, and two weeks later we parted ways to go off to college.
My senior year of college I met Justin. Six months later, we had sex and it was okay but not something a girl would write home about… if her parents were alive… and wanted to hear about her sex life. I’ve never orgasmed during sex, but I read that’s normal. I looked it up and several articles state over seventy percent of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone. I know I can orgasm through masturbation since I’ve done it myself, but Justin never cared enough to bring me to an orgasm. Sex with my husband went from okay to robotic and eventually it was so bad, I would just tune it out completely. Most of the time we had sex, he would finish in mere minutes not even caring if I came.
I’m curious to find out if most men are selfish in bed like Justin, or if they’re more like the men in the romance books I’ve been binge reading the last several months. I’m not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to experience an orgasm at the hands of someone other than myself. I don’t, however, think that will be happening any time soon and most likely not by the hands of Tristan.
“Charlie! I need a White Russian and a Manhattan,” Bianca says, giving me a small smile and a wink. Bianca is a waitress here at Plush and one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met. She helped train me when I first started here a few months ago and was so patient with me. When I told her I had no experience, she insisted everyone has to start somewhere.
I finish making the Manhattan and pour it into its glass, then hand them both to Bianca. She places them on her tray and sashays over to the table to serve the men sitting in her section. It’s Tuesday night and the club is busy. I’m working the downstairs bar with another bartender, Nick, and by the time I’m able to take my first break it’s already after eleven p.m.
“Hey Nick! I’m going to take a quick fifteen.” He looks my way and shoots me a smile to acknowledge he heard me. I use the restroom quickly, wash my hands, and run my fingers through my hair before sticking it up in a high ponytail. Then I grab a granola bar from my purse and scarf it down.
As I’m walking down the hallway back toward the bar, I see Tyler walking my way. He gives me a chin raise and stops in front of me. “A guy came in here looking for you.” The blood flowing through my veins drains downward, my body suddenly turning cold. Please God, there’s no way Justin could’ve found me. I’ve done everything right. I haven’t left a single bread crumb for him to follow.
“W-what did he want?” Tyler gives me a look of concern. He doesn’t know anything about my past. While I told him and Bianca a little—keeping it simple and only giving them just enough so they understood I needed to lay low because of an ex—I didn’t give them any specifics.
“Hey now. It’s okay.” He places his hand on my shoulder and I flinch. “Sorry.” He removes his hand from my body, having figured it out months ago, I don’t do touching well. “It was a member… actually, a guest of a member. He came in and requested you, but I told him you aren’t available.”
“Oh,” I say in relief.
“I know your stance on entertaining and working private parties, but you could make a killing.” He waggles his eyebrows comically.
“I know, but I love bartending and suck at seduction.” I laugh. “I’ll leave that to the experts. I wouldn’t want to give your club a bad name.” I pat him on his shoulder playfully and head back to the bar wondering who came in here to request me. Could it have been Tristan? My heart picks up slightly at the thought of him coming in here looking for me.
When I get back to the bar, I see things have picked back up again, so I jump right in taking and making orders alongside Nick. Once the rush has slowed down, Bianca plops onto a stool and I pour her an ice water.
“Thank you! It’s busy tonight.” I nod in agreement. “We should go out one night this week. I could’ve sworn I saw you’re off Friday night.” She grins mischievously. She knows I’m off because she’s the one who makes the schedule. I roll my eyes and then notice a guy sit down a couple stools over. Grabbing a menu, I place it in front of him.
“What can I get you this evening?” When I look up, sky blue eyes are dancing with laughter.
“You work here,” Tristan’s friend Mason states knowingly, a slight smirk quirking up on one side of his mouth.
“You know I work here. I helped host your private party the other night.”
He shakes his head. “You know what I mean. You work down here at the bar. That’s why you weren’t dressed like the other women.” Ahh… so he’s catching on.
“And?” I challenge.
“And my boy was here requesting you… because he thinks you’re an entertainer. But you aren’t, are you?”
“I can’t help what your boy assumed.” I shrug and Mason throws his head back in laughter. “What can I get you to drink?”
“I’ll take a Heineken.” I grab a chilled glass and tip it slightly, pulling the lever up so the beer pours into the glass without all of the foam. Once it’s filled to the brim, I flip the lever back down and place the glass on a coaster on the bar top.
“So, do you strip at all?” Mason asks, but before I can answer, Bianca butts in laughing.
“That’s funny! Charlie taking her clothes off?” I glare her way and she laughs harder before changing the direction of the conversation. “I don’t usually strip or entertain either, but for you”—she checks Mason out from head to toe, lust shining in her eyes—“I might be willing to make an exception.”
“That’s good to know.” Mason smiles wide at Bianca’s flirting. “But I’m here for my boy. I’m thinking I should shoot him a quick text and let him know I’ve found his alcohol-slinging Cinderella.”
“Cinderella?” Bianca questions, and I groan, walking away from them to refill another member’s drink. When I return Bianca is laughing.
“Charlie! You let the poor guy believe you’re a
stripper?”
I shrug. “He assumed… and you know what they say about people who assume.” Bianca cackles and downs the rest of her water before getting back up to go check on her tables. Once she’s gone, I turn to Mason. “Trust me when I tell you it’s for the best. If Tristan was smart, he would forget about me and go in search of a woman who isn’t as fucked up as I am.” It’s the first time I’ve acknowledged just how broken I am, but he needs to know what his friend is trying to get himself into.
Mason shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. “You sound like Tristan.”
“So, he does know how messed up I am.”
“No.” Mason laughs humorlessly. “He believes he’s just as fucked up.” Somehow, I can’t imagine Tristan’s issues measuring anywhere near the magnitude of mine on the Richter scale of fuckedupness, but it makes me wonder about him. I haven’t seen Lexi’s mom around, nor have either of them mentioned her. Just as Tristan doesn’t know anything about my past, the truth is I don’t really know anything about his either. He appears put together. He has a nice home, a nice car, a beautiful daughter. Apparently, I’m just as guilty at assuming as Tristan is.
I leave Mason to enjoy his drink in peace while I tend to other members. Another hour goes by and Bianca is back at the bar. “So… Friday night… you, me, Club Hectic.” I groan, handing her another water. “Please, Charlie, I need you as my wing woman. Please, please, please, pl—”
“Okay!” I cut her off. “Okay, fine! But only for a couple of hours.”
“Yes! I will get a car service and pick you up at eight o’clock. We’re going to have so much fun!”
