by Mark Tufo
“He wasn’t my friend,” I said a little too hastily.
“But he was in your class, isn’t that right?” The second cop who was by the doorway was beginning to look a little more interested in the proceedings.
“I guess but, there’s lots of kids in my class,” I said lamely.
“None that have gone missing, though.” The first cop looked up from his pad.
I could feel more piss dribbling from my dick, luckily my bladder had been flushed mere moments before, unless they stared at my crotch I should have been alright. I started to shudder involuntarily.
“Look, he’s sick with fever,” my mother said, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. Looking back, I think it was more of a protection for her. If I confessed to something the stigma of her son being a murderer would be stuck on her; that was not something she could abide by. What would her bridge club think? “Unless my son needs a lawyer, I think that you two should leave until he feels better.”
I watched as the two cops gave each other knowing glances, they knew something was up but neither one would ever return. The cop standing by the door, Officer Franco would die three days later as a petty thief named Wellington Conrad (strange name for a thief, should have been a Congressman) would decide that having a shoot-out with the cops for a whopping seventeen dollars he stole was infinitely better than spending any amount of time in jail. He got his wish, bleeding out on the street with three shots to the abdomen. He could have potentially been saved if the town’s only ambulance wasn’t busy transporting the dying Franco to the hospital, with a .22 long rifle caliber bullet lodged in his neck. His severed carotid artery pumped blood at a rate that would have dropped an elephant. Apparently, it had been a one in a million shot, Conrad had merely been shooting his gun up in the air trying to dissuade the cops from pursuit. After traveling a little bit over a mile straight up the bullet had been caught ever so slightly by a small breeze which pushed it off its trajectory and straight down into Officer Franco’s neck. He left behind a wife, two young kids and a third on the way. That’s what he got for making me piss my pants. A few months after everything blew over, I snuck out of my house with the sole purpose of going to the house of his widow and breaking out two windows. I hauled ass once I saw the lights turn on and at least one of the brats start to cry. Nowhere in this narrative did I say I was a good person, but the more I say the more I realize maybe just how shitty I truly am.
The second cop, Officer Dunleven, would become increasingly busy as the football player Lyle and his sister went missing at the same time. Polks must have thought he was too great a threat. Then a string of two more kids would never be coming home for Spaghetti Wednesdays. I don’t know what happened to Polks at that point or why he stopped, I can’t imagine that the evil within him was sated. Much like the Hugh(s) in me the evil would need to be fed constantly. Garrett, on the final play of his last game of his senior year, snapped his neck in two places. He’d be sucking smoothies through a straw for the remainder of his days. I never did have the courage later in life to check on Polks or his whereabouts; had suppressed it, in fact, these many long years. But most likely without the backing of Garrett and his muscles he wouldn’t be able to lure much more than a wayward cat into those woods.
***
‘Dark. Food.’
That startled the shit out of me.
‘Can you open the door or do I need to show you again?’ I asked Hugh.
‘Do it! Hungry! So hungry!’
I had to tell myself to think these things out, if he was able to start learning I’d be out of a job and that meant he would redouble his efforts to get to me. As long as I was useful I was alive. Should have played the defensive line; they were the thinkers.
I had been so lost in my story I had not realized when the shooting had stopped but the church was eerily quiet. I would have preferred some noise something that would mask a door I was sure was going to be on loud squeaky hinges. Hugh relinquished almost all motor control on his right arm, it was nearly as easy to control it as it had been before I had been possessed. Maybe I should just choke the hell out of myself and escape from this fucking nightmare. Instead, I pushed the long handle down and pulled the door toward me, it slid open effortlessly and more importantly quietly. Anna’s brown eyes seemed to gather ambient light and shine at me brightly from a few feet away where she was sitting at a pew, her attention rapt completely on the door I was now entering through.
“I knew you were still there,” she sobbed quietly. “Nobody believed me.”
I brought my index finger up to my lips, Hugh did not have the knowledge to make a ‘shush’ sound but the imagery still must have been terrifying. I smelled warm piss emanate from her direction, I was well aware of that odor. Hugh lurched over her way, Anna seemed caught between running like a rabbit and fainting like one of those Brazilian goats.
‘NO!’ I screamed to Hugh. ‘She’s last.’
‘Eat her!’ Hugh demanded.
‘Soon my tapeworm friend.’ I began to show him what I thought would happen if we started to munch on our little princess before we took care of the bang sticks. Hugh might have a few lights burnt out on his string of Holiday lights but he was bright enough to understand death.
‘Can I use my vocal chords?’ I asked. Hugh had no clue what I was talking about. This showing him everything that I needed to do to keep us alive shit was growing old. He released his grip on the entire neck region. Anna grew wide-eyed as my head plunged into my chest, I bet she was hoping I had died. I slowly seized control of the muscles and pulled it back up into a more respectable pose, her chagrin at my unexpected revival was pronounced.
My first attempt at sending air over my rigor induced vocal chords sounded like glass embedded in a cat’s back being pulled slowly over a chalkboard. Anna pissed herself again, that was one healthy bladder and I was looking forward to tearing into it. I thought about going back into the hallway and clearing my throat to get this right, but Anna was under a spell at the moment and if I left now she would surely bolt. I kept pushing air until the bleeding cat glass sound turned to fingernails which in turn became the rough sound of a 40 year smoker who had swallowed small stones. It wasn’t a pleasant or comforting sound but it got my point across.
“How many?” I asked pointing to the upstairs of the church.
Anna began to back up, she hadn’t been expecting this new development.
“Anna,” I croaked. “If you want to live, how many?”
Who the fuck believes a six foot five shit-and-gore covered talking clown zombie? A desperate, selfish woman, that’s who.
“F-f-five,” she stammered out quietly. “You’ll let me go.”
“I’ll let you go.”
‘To meet your maker, if such a thing exists.’
She seemed pretty damned pleased that she had made a deal with me to save her own pathetic life, regardless of the fact that five others would have to pay the price for it.
‘Eat!’ Hugh demanded.
‘No shit, you gluttonous fuck! I’m working on it.’ That seemed to keep him quiet for the immediate moment. ‘Now this is what is going to have to happen.’ I laid out a plan for my carnivorous pal. He seemed to understand, as long as the pay-out involved meat he was good to go. Who knew zombies could adhere to the Adkins diet so well? Hugh would probably kill me if I made him eat broccoli.
“Anna, you all right down there?” a voice called out in the darkness. Shit, I was halfway up the stairs and with only one arm and my teeth as weapons I was vulnerable as hell. ‘Anna, stay true to your normal self preserving self.’ I screamed in my head.
There was an extremely long pause as for maybe the first time in her life Anna thought about someone else besides herself. Although that was maybe only half the truth, it was going to be who was going to better serve her needs. Oh I knew all about pretty women, the vast majority have never had to work for anything in their worthless lives. Look pretty and spread their legs and the world was theirs
for the taking. I envied them for the ease with which they walked through life and loathed them at the same time. Oh yes, I was going to savor devouring her, if only she would stay true to form.
“Red…” she started. I was turning around—this wasn’t looking good all of a sudden.
Red must have sensed something in her voice; I could hear him moving to come to her. Fuck, not much chance he was going to miss me in the middle of the staircase, not like I was going to blend in with the somber surroundings.
‘Hugh, let go of the legs!’ I yelled it so loud and maybe he could sense how close to disaster we were or at least how close I thought we were, but from the time of my request and his release it was seemingly a non-existent span. I ran up the remaining stairs. Red was just approaching the threshold, his rifle down by his side, it was long milliseconds that he took to recognize the threat fast approaching. He wasn’t quick enough as I grabbed him around the neck with my right arm and pulled him close to rip his cheek off, careful to keep an increasing pressure on his neck so that he couldn’t scream. He squirmed worse than a greased eel but I could bench close to six hundred pounds; he wasn’t going anywhere soon. I lifted him higher and started tearing a shred of flesh from his chest, I had never in my life tasted a meat so juicy and succulent, the t-shirt he was wearing not hindering my eating experience in the least, must have been cotton.
Red’s struggling peaked as I lifted him higher and tore into his sweet meats but began to come to a ceasing really quick as I tore his testicles off. A couple of days ago I would have told you that it was impossible for a human to tear through blue jeans with only their chompers but now I could say firsthand that is not the case. Although whatever Hugh was, human was not among the adjectives. Red became a ragdoll in my arms, as his life left so did his taste. Hugh and I were of the same mind that it was time to move on. I threw what remained of Red down to the bottom of the stairs, he landed considerably lighter than when he had originally alit them. Still, that bump in the night did not go unnoticed.
‘Gotta be more careful,’ I thought as I dragged the back of my hand across my face, spreading gore more than doing anything to get rid of it and that was actually alright with me.
“Did you hear that?”
“I didn’t hear shit, shut the fuck up, I’m exhausted.”
“Both of you shut up. Charlie you heard it; go see what it was.”
“Who’s coming with me?”
“Oh fucking pull your panties out of your snatch and go see,” the first person that had spoken to Charlie replied.
“Maybe I didn’t hear anything,” Charlie muttered.
“Go fucking check it out or I’ll shoot you myself, you sniveling little bitch.” the third voice said.
He must be the leader. He needed to die quickly.
“Wait,” a new voice chimed in. “Do you smell that?”
“Yeah it smells like zombies, if you haven’t noticed, they’re all around us,” second man said.
“No shit, but this is stronger,” fourth said.
“Like they’re closer,” Charlie piped up. I could tell from the sound of his voice that he was backing away from the stairs. The flight response was strong in this one. I heard at least two rifles come to the ready, maybe three.
“Help,” I gurgled out, blood and viscera coating my vocal chords, my plea seemed to come out from under water.
“Who the fuck is that?” second asked.
“What the fuck is that?” third asked.
“Has he been bitten?” Charlie asked.
Three men peered down the stairs at me.
“Friend, I want you to come up slowly, hands stretched high.”
I started to swallow quickly trying to force the meat and small bits of bone down. If I was going to pull this off I needed to sound somewhat normal.
‘Hugh I need my other arm.’ Hugh acquiesced; I didn’t realize it then but I had control of nearly my entire body but all I could think about was that I needed to survive the next five minutes so that I could feast to my heart’s content.
“Ooooweee, what the fuck are you, boy?” the leader said as I stepped up to the top of the stairs and into a small pool of lantern light. I held my hands up.
“Fucking shoot him,” second said. “He ain’t human.”
“Please,” I said. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t horrible, either.
“Boy, you look like you came through the wrong end of a meat grinder,” the leader said without mirth. His rifle never wavered from the top of my head.
“This is the only way I could get past them,” I said pointing to all the blood on me.
The leader motioned to me to put my hands back up.
“Sorry,” I told him.
“He don’t look right,” Charlie said from behind the leader.
“Even if he’s human, which I’m not convinced.” Third said. “He don’t feel right.”
“What’s your story?” the leader asked me.
Hugh was literally shaking with the desire to move into action, I was struggling to keep him reigned in and still act good enough to keep us from getting shot. Something was going to have to give soon.
“Son, I asked you a question.” The leader pulled the hammer back on his lever action rifle.
It just came to me, I don’t know if I thought it or Hugh did, but it was going to buy me some precious seconds. “If you smell like them they won’t try to eat you.” That sounded plausible enough to me.
“Fuck, I think I’d rather die,” second said, turning his head and holding his nose.
“Looks like you may have taken it a bit too far,” the leader said. He wasn’t buying it.
“The asshole is bigger than the jolly green giant,” fourth said.
“Fred, I think you should just shoot him,” second said to the leader.
“Shut up, Zak. I can’t just shoot him yet.”
“Merle, check his pockets for some ID,” Fred said to fourth.
“Not fucking likely, Fred,” Merle answered in no uncertain terms. “I read IT and this one is way scarier than the one I imagined in my head.”
“I’ll check him after you shoot him, maybe,” Zak said and he wasn’t kidding.
“Boy, you don’t look good,” Fred said.
“I’m covered in blood, shit and body parts from my neighbor. How do you think you’d feel?” I told him.
“Fair enough,” Fred answered. “Why the clown outfit?”
“I wanted to blend in with the circus going on out there,” I told him.
Fred actually laughed at that. “I still don’t trust you much and if I weren’t a God-fearing man locked in a church I think I’d rather send you on your way. But that is not the Christian thing to do.
“No way you’re letting that animal stay here,” Zak said.
“He can take your place,” Fred said.
“Can I put my arms down?” I asked.
Fred nodded.
“Fred, what the hell are you doing? He’s not human!” Merle said.
“Well he’s not a zombie, either. Have you heard any of them down there asking for help?” Fred shot back. “Listen, friend.”
“Timothy.”
“Timothy, you smell to high Heaven, no pun intended. There is a bathroom and a small shower which you might be able to just squeeze in. I think your look and your smell are keeping the rest of our merry band from seeing the person beneath. If you clean up some I think we might be able to move further in our goal toward trust. Charlie, Merle, why don’t you two escort him to where it is.” He said it in a way that left no room for debate. Charlie looked chagrined and Merle looked pissed.
I was to have an armed escort to the bathroom. Fine, two was better than four. I turned to head down the stairs once I hit the first landing and turned ninety degrees to go down I would be able to make out the huddled form of the fifth holdout right where I had tossed him. My two compadres were well behind me and my bulk would ensure that they would not spot him as we descended, but a mome
nt of action was close. As long as it wasn’t Fred, that was good, he seemed like the type that could shoot the wings off a fly while galloping on horse back.
This was not going to be easy. Merle was first behind me but he was getting too close and dammit if I couldn’t almost feel the muzzle of the barrel pointed at my back. Could I take a hit in the back? I mean if he severed my spine would Hugh be able to do anything to get me upright again, especially in the few moments it would take for him to do anything.
I descended the stairs my brain working feverishly to come up with something that didn’t involve me lying in a pool of my own filth as opposed to wearing it. I got to the first landing, I don’t know if the moon was rising in the sky or Anna had lit some candles but the lower floor had more light than I remember and my last edible tidbit was clearly visible from where I stood. “Hey, there’s something down here,” I said looking back at Merle.
“Well, what is it?” he asked with concern.
“How the hell should I know?” I told him.
“Go check it out,” he motioned with his gun.
“No way, man. I don’t even have a gun,” I told him.
“What the hell is the hold up?” Charlie asked Merle as he caught up.
“Fuckin’ clown says there’s something down at the bottom of the stairs.”
“Well, go check it out,” Charlie told me over Merle’s shoulder.
“He says he’s not gonna because he doesn’t have a gun,” Merle answered for me.
“As big as you are and you’re a chicken?” Charlie asked with malice.
“Fuck you. You have a gun and I don’t see you in any rush to go see what it is,” I snarled.
“Who’s missing from upstairs?” Charlie was asking more of himself than Merle.
“I haven’t seen Ben for hours and Red, I don’t know I was dozing off. You think they’re pulling a train on that Anna chick because I’d like to get in on some of that,” Merle sneered.
“Yeah, end of the world and Sister Anna wanted to go out with a bang,” Charlie said mockingly.
‘A nun?’ I thought. God, that sounded so tasty, so fresh. Her meat was going to be so sweet!
