He’d meant his words as a compliment, but she only seemed to shrink further inside herself.
At the house, it had already turned dark. He turned off the engine and said, “Let me handle the tenors. You go take a nice, long soak in the guest room tub. You’ve earned a little R & R.”
“I know you mean well, but please stop coddling me.”
“Babe, I’m not—”
“I’m fine.” She unbuckled her seat belt, then left the car to sling the diaper bag with the bottles over her right shoulder. She next unfastened Allie’s carrier from its base to take the infant into the house.
Jed grabbed Callie and Sallie, joining Camille in the kitchen, where she was already cleaning out the diaper bag and prepping fresh bottles.
They fed the babies in silence.
Jed checked the animals, making sure they were settled for the night. He returned to the house to find the babies on their play mat and Camille still not talking.
They bathed the babies in more silence.
After tucking the girls in for the night, with still no words save for the briefest of pleasantries, he’d had enough.
“Please, Cam, let me in.” In the hall with the nursery door closed, and monitor in hand, he said, “Given your aversion to violence, what went down in the store had to be a shock, but babe, it’s over and—”
“What don’t you get about the fact that it’s never going to be over? I can’t run far enough. I can’t hide. I mean, look at you—your entire life is based on killing.”
“Bullshit. My life is dedicated to protecting our country from terrorists who would love nothing more than to destroy our peaceful way of life.”
“Great.” She charged down the stairs. “That speech would make me feel so much better if you were ever to be blown to pieces by a suicide bomber.”
He chased after her. “Where is this coming from? How did a couple of gangster teens transform you from the amazing woman I’ve come to know over the past few weeks into this angry shell?”
“Screw you, Jed.” She turned for the front door. “If you don’t care for my company, I’ve got an easy remedy.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth that I never said.”
He tried pulling her into a hug. But she backed away, hugging herself.
“You don’t understand.” Her voice sounded raspy with what he could only guess was pain. “How it all came rushing back—the last case I worked. There was so much blood. Senseless, stupid killing. Five brothers and sisters just wiped out. Why? Because they were costing too much to feed, and the parents preferred to spend their government checks on meth. The children weren’t even theirs, but foster kids. Society is broken beyond repair and...” She swiped tears from her cheeks.
“No,” he said, “society is plugging along just like it always has, with some good apples and some bad. What sucks for you is that you spent years focused on the worst of the worst. Look what we’ve shared here—the beauty of our girls.”
“They’re not our girls, Jed.”
“I know, but—”
“No, there’s no gray area in this. Emily gave your mom custody. You’re their uncle and I’m nothing to them.”
“They adore you.”
“That’s too bad, because I’m leaving.” She took her purse and keys from the entry hall table.
“No.” He darted in front of her to block the door. “The girls need you. I need you. I—” He stopped short of telling her he loved her. Had always loved her. Because honestly, he wasn’t even sure he knew what love was. When he’d married Alyssa, he’d meant his vows to her. He’d promised to spend a lifetime caring for her. But in hindsight, had what he’d shared with her been love? When she’d left, it hadn’t squeezed his chest like a vise—not anywhere close to the physical agony this argument with Camille caused.
What did that mean?
Covering her face with her hands, she crumpled to the floor.
He sat cross-legged beside her, drawing her onto his lap, holding her, rocking her while she cried harder than any of his nieces on their worst day.
“What you went through is behind you,” he said. “I know it’s hard—trust me, I’ve seen things I’d rather forget, too. But with the help of the guys on my team, I’ve worked through it. Let me help you.”
She nodded against his chest, clinging to him. “Take me to bed. I want to forget. I need to feel free.”
Slipping his fingers beneath her chin, he coaxed her gaze to his. “You sure?”
She nodded, but then shook her head. “The only thing I’m sure of is wanting to be with you. Make love to me. Make me forget...”
Chapter 14
“Good morning, gorgeous...”
While Camille stood at the stove flipping pancakes, Jed pushed her hair aside, nuzzling her neck. They’d shared a beautiful night lost in each other’s arms, but this morning she wasn’t filled with just regret, but an avalanche of self-doubt. What had she been thinking? She’d had enough psychologist visits to know that masking her feelings with sex wasn’t exactly the key to good mental health.
“Why didn’t you ask me to help?” He nodded toward the girls, who were all grinning in their swings. “You did diaper changing and feeding by yourself?”
“It wasn’t a big deal.” She scooped two pancakes onto a platter. “You were sleeping, and since I was wide-awake, I figured at least one of us should be well rested.”
A knock sounded on the back door.
Two seconds later, her grandfather waltzed in. “Good morning. Mmm...” He kissed her cheek. “Pancakes. My favorite.”
Oblivious to the undercurrent running between Camille and Jed, Gramps helped himself to the booth. “If you don’t mind, Earl would probably love a few pancakes, too. Oh, and I’d like a little sugar in my coffee today. Need extra pep in my step. I hit a promising vein yesterday that could finally be the motherlode.”
“Good for you.” Jed got her grandfather’s coffee, setting it on the table in front of him.
“Thank you,” Gramps said. “And you know, son, ever since you and my granddaughter patched things up, I think you’ll make a fine addition to the family.”
“We’re not together.” Camille set his pancakes in front of him a little harder than planned. She fared no better with the glass syrup bottle or his silverware and napkin.
“Mind heating that syrup?” Ollie asked. “I’ll need butter, too.”
“God bless America.” She slapped the spatula to the counter. “You’re demanding this morning.”
“I’ve got it,” Jed said. “You work on Earl’s meal.”
“It’s not like you to be snippy.” Gramps tucked his napkin into his shirt collar. “Lovers’ quarrel?”
“Please, Gramps...” She clamped her hand over her forehead and sharply exhaled. “Just eat your breakfast and leave it alone.”
“I’m trying to eat,” he said, “but can’t because I have no butter or warm syrup.”
Camille gripped the counter hard enough for her knuckles to turn as white as the tile surface.
Sun shone through the many windows; the air smelled of a heavenly mix of pancakes and baby lotion and the leather of Jed’s jacket, boots and cowboy hat. She should be happy. So why wasn’t she? Why couldn’t she forget the convenience store robbery and get on with her currently wonderful life?
Thirty minutes later, after three cups of heavily sugared coffee, Gramps and Earl finally moseyed to the mine. The mule had eaten six pancakes, leaving none for her.
Just as well.
It wasn’t like she had much of an appetite.
“Hey...” Jed stood behind her at the sink. “Now that Ollie’s gone, what gives?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Everyone has down days.”
“It’s not that. I’m apologizing for last night
. It never should have happened.”
“What do you mean?”
She turned in time to see his eyes narrow.
“Not to toot my own horn,” he continued, “but you seemed awfully content after we...”
“It was a mistake. The sex was nothing more than putting a bandage over a gaping wound. This game I proposed of the two of us playing house was a horrible mistake. I’m not right in the head. Can’t you see that?”
“What I see—” He reached for her, but she backed away. He hefted himself up to sit on the counter. “What I see is that until what happened in that convenience store, you and I have never been happier.” He glanced at his hands, which he’d braced on his thighs. “Look, I wasn’t planning on admitting this today, but it’s going to come out eventually.” His mother had gotten word to him that conditions were improving, and she’d be able to leave soon. “Being back with you feels like I finally found the missing piece to my life’s puzzle. The thing is, I didn’t even realize how incomplete I felt until this time with you and the girls. Mom should be home by next week, but as much as she loves her missionary work, what if I ask her to transfer primary custody of the tenors to me? Us? I’ll need to finish out my current enlistment period, but what would it hurt for us to all live in Coronado for a while? Hell, if it makes you feel better, even Ollie and Earl could come along for the ride.”
“Stop. What you’re suggesting is ridiculous.”
“No, Cam, it’s brilliant. The best idea I’ve had in years. I hate that Chase and my sister died, but I’m not going to deny that I feel profoundly blessed that out of that tragedy you and I have somehow found each other. I think I love you, and I sure as hell love us being a couple again, don’t you?”
“That’s delusional. It’s not me you love, but the idea of maintaining this cozy domestic bubble. But you know what the problem is with bubbles? They burst.” Arms crossed, she paced. “Don’t you get it? Up here, we’re safe. The big, bad outside world can’t touch us, but yesterday proved that the second we descend from this mountain, all hell’s going to break loose.”
“Now what’s sounding delusional? You can’t hide up here forever. I thought I could live with myself, just heading back to base and leaving the girls with my mom and you, but not only can’t I saddle her with that, I don’t want to.”
“Good for you. I’m glad to see you stepping up to your responsibilities. In case you forgot, they don’t involve me.” The babies’ swings were slowing, so she rewound them.
Giggles abounded.
“Know what I think?” he asked, hopping down from the counter.
“I don’t care.”
“Tough.” He lightly grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face him. “Does the idea of a life spent alone save for tending to Ollie and Earl sound appealing? Or would you rather face your demons like you did during that robbery? Throw coffee in the face of your every fear like the badass you were born to be. Don’t you get it? You’re a hero.”
“No.” After a sharp shake of her head, Camille said, “All I see is that my reckless actions resulted in spooking that teen into firing his gun. I was damn lucky any of us in that store survived. In hindsight, I should have tried disarming them. I didn’t take time to think the whole thing through.”
“You’re not being rational. You did the only thing you could, and it worked. You’re a rock star.” He tried pulling her into a hug, but she brushed him away.
“I have to sort Ollie’s meds and wash his sheets, and Lord only knows how many dishes have piled up.”
“Please don’t do this.” He wasn’t too proud to beg while trailing after her to the entry hall. “Don’t go.”
“I—I have to.”
“When are you coming back?”
The look she cast toward the babies contained unmistakable love. “I’m not sure.”
* * *
For at least five minutes, Jed stared at the closed front door, unsure what to do with his hands, or especially the wad of emotions balled in his stomach.
What. The. Hell.
How had he so drastically misread Camille’s intentions? They’d been getting along better than they ever had. How could she not see that? How could she not crave more?
Lord, he’d love hashing this out with his buddies over a half-dozen cold brews, but whether Camille was here or not, his three tenors still needed care.
A glance out the front window showed that the once sunny day had turned cloudy. A northerly wind had also kicked up.
He took the stroller from the hall closet, bundled the girls to put them in it, then headed to the barn for morning chores.
“You’d better behave,” he said to the chickens.
They eyed him as warily as he did them.
From outside the pen, the girls grinned at the fluffy fowl intent on pecking clear through the toe of Uncle Jed’s boots.
The goats were adorable, surrounding him and the girls for sweet talk and petting.
“Should we go find Lucy and Ethel?” he asked his helpers.
They cooed and gurgled and made all the new weird and wonderful baby noises he’d learned to appreciate more every day.
The two horses had made it to the extreme far end of the pasture, where tender spring grasses formed a horse oasis.
“You two probably know Camille better than I do.” He stroked their manes. “Wish you could tell me what to do. I’d never tell her, but she made a valid point...”
It’s not me you love, but the idea of maintaining this cozy domestic bubble. But you know what the problem is with bubbles? They burst.
Maybe he didn’t love her?
Maybe his track record with relationships meant he didn’t understand love? What he did understand and wholeheartedly believed in was the importance of family. And somehow, some way, Camille had once again become just that. An integral part of his family he wasn’t sure he could let go.
* * *
Camille did laundry and dishes and dusted every flat surface in her grandfather’s cabin. She found a roast in the freezer, defrosted it, then put it in the pressure cooker with carrots and onions and potatoes.
What she didn’t do was think about Jed.
How he would manage caring for the animals with the babies in tow. She especially didn’t worry about whether or not he’d dressed the girls warmly enough or remembered to screw the lids onto their bottles extra tight. Sallie had the beginnings of diaper rash. Would he remember to use her cream?
Stop.
This constant fretting about infants who weren’t even hers wasn’t healthy.
But they could be yours.
The intoxicating thought crept into her head like a wisp of smoke. Subtle. Not nearly enough to hurt her unless she took Jed up on his asinine offer. Neither of them were parent material, yet despite that fact, they’d managed to keep everyone reasonably content and thriving—even their pediatrician had said so at their well-child visit.
On the surface, following Jed and the triplets to Coronado sounded like a great adventure. But what happened when the newness wore off? What happened when she was inevitably forced to face her demons again by encountering more crime? Or if, God forbid, Jed was hurt?
In a metropolitan area as big as southern California, there were bound to be multiple shootings weekly. How would she cope? What happened if she had the kids with her and had a meltdown? What if they were hurt? What if Jed shipped out to Syria or Iraq? What if she permanently lost him?
Worse, what if her neurotic fears caused him to no longer want her to be with him or around the babies? The sting of Jed’s rejection might hurt too badly to ever recover.
All of which made staying on her grandfather’s ranch the right choice. The only choice.
Without her to help care for his nieces, the most likely scenario was that Jed would return to the navy and Barbara would remain here to care
for her granddaughters. Camille would happily help.
All problems solved.
All except for the one stemming from the fact that she’d fallen hard for Jed all over again.
The sound of a car crunching on the gravel drive had her looking out the window.
Jed.
And the three screaming tenors.
She smoothed her hair. Not wanting to see him, yet desperate to.
Knowing his pride would never have allowed him to come unless he needed her help, she raced out the door and across the porch, to find him already out of the car.
“What’s wrong? Are they sick?”
“No clue.” He swiped his hand through his too-long hair. “If I had to guess, I think they miss you.”
“Not likely.” She opened the SUV’s back door, then unfastened Sallie’s safety harness to lift her into her arms. “Poor baby. Is your tummy hurting?” When the infant calmed, she repeated the drill with the other two.
Remarkably, her voice, her hold, did seem to soothe them.
“What did I tell you?” Jed held Sallie and Callie while she still held Allie. “They missed you.”
“I can’t do this.” Camille hated how her voice cracked. How very much she cared for all three of these babies and their uncle.
“Yes, you can. Come back to the house with me. We’ll stay in separate rooms. But I need you. The girls need you.”
“I can’t. I was wrong to ever think we could keep this casual. I never should’ve stayed. As for you and me sleeping together? Massive mistake.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I thought I could handle playing house with you. I thought once it came time for this to all end, I could handle that. Turns out...” she said on the heels of a broken sob “...I’m in even worse shape than I thought.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You. Me. Us? We were always just a dream and you know as well as I do that dreams never come true.”
“But what if they could?” After putting the babies in the car seats, he took her hands. “Have the past few weeks proved nothing? I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a damned good time—the best of my life.”
Home on the Ranch: The Colorado Cowboy's Triplets (Cowboy SEALs Book 8) Page 15
