Confessions (Tattoos & Tears Book 3)

by Amiee Louise

  “I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me, babe.”

  I sit down outside the door in my boxers.

  “Please, just go away,” she chokes out, and I lean my head back against the wall.

  “Not happening, baby. I’ll sit out here all night if I have to.”

  A few minutes of silence pass.

  “Do you want to tell me what your nightmare was about, angel?”

  My voice is barely a whisper, as I try desperately to get her to open up and tell me what the fuck she was dreaming about. She unlocks the door, and as she opens the door, I reach my hand out to her. She regards my hand intently and starts to push past me. She runs into the living room, and I follow her.

  “Fuck, where are you going, angel?”

  My voice is panicked, but she doesn’t answer me. Her silence is really freaking me out, and she frantically starts throwing her stuff into her overnight bag.

  “Peyton, will you just fucking stop for one god damn second!”

  I try to stop her, and I tilt her chin up to face me. Her blue eyes look so sad and troubled, the remnants of her nightmare still visible in the expression on her beautiful face.

  “Don’t leave me, angel,” I plead, and she shakes her head.

  “I can’t do this anymore Sam, being with you is...unpredictable. Every time I’m near you, I lose myself.”

  What the fucking fuck? Where is all this coming from? I can’t help thinking that it is a lame cop out on her behalf to mask something more serious. She swipes a stray tear from her eye as I move closer to her.

  “Why are you doing this? What have I done? Tell me what I’ve done, and I’ll fix it; I’ll make it right.”

  She hangs her head.

  “I thought we were ok, please stop and fucking talk to me. Please don’t run from me, tell me you’ll stay.”

  The truth is, I can’t bear the thought of her leaving me; she’s all I’ve thought about for the past few months. She moves closer to me, and I reach for her hand. She lets me take it and I stroke her knuckles softly.

  “What’s wrong? Please talk to me. I can’t fucking stand you shutting me out like this, angel.”

  She releases my hand and puts her hands up to her face. She sobs, and as the tears begin, I clench my jaw. Fuck, my heart feels like it’s being ripped apart and it fucking shreds me.

  “Jesus, please don’t cry, what can I do? Tell me what I can do, angel,” I plead anxiously.

  She tries desperately to get herself together, and when she finally does, she chokes out.

  “This is all such a fucking mess, Sam, and it’s all my fault.”

  What the fuck? I shake my head.

  “Everything’s going to be ok, as long we have each other; I’m not going anywhere, I promise you, angel.”

  I move towards her and pull her to my chest. She clings to me as she sobs, and I hold her close to me, silently begging her to tell me what’s wrong.

  “Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours, angel.”

  My voice is a gruff whisper, and my heart beat starts to quicken as I wait patiently for her to continue. She takes a deep breath, and our eyes lock.

  “I...I’m pregnant,” she chokes out.

  I’ve never really contemplated wanting kids, but suddenly, now that she’s told me she’s pregnant, I am instantly on board and thrilled at the prospect of becoming a dad for the first time. I don’t say anything at first, I’m still processing the news. She starts to tremble violently in my arms.

  “Hey, shush, I’ve got you, angel.”

  I try to soothe her and then I find my voice.

  “You’re pregnant, wow!”

  The biggest grin spreads across my face. I cup her face in my hands, and I press my lips eagerly to hers.

  “Angel, you have just made me the happiest fucking man to walk this earth! I’m going to be a dad!” I say excitedly as I see the look of relief wash over her face and she sags in my arms.

  I release her and hold her at arm’s length away from me. I might not be a mind reader, but I know as soon as I look at her exactly what was wrong. She actually thought I was going to leave her just like her scumbag ex Callum did.

  “You thought I was going to leave didn’t you, angel?” I say softly, waiting for an answer from her. “Look at me, Peyton.”

  She looks up at me and nods, her eyes brimming with tears. My heart slams against my ribcage. How the fuck could she think I would do that to her?

  “How could you think that, angel? After everything we’ve been through?”

  She shakes her head.

  “I don’t know I just panicked...I was...terrified.”

  I stroke her face softly with the back of my hand.

  “I’m nothing like that cock sucker. I’m not going anywhere; you’re stuck with me,” I say vehemently, as I grin widely.

  I lift up my t-shirt that she is wearing to look more closely at her now visible bump.

  “How far gone are you?”

  I trace her small bump with my fingers, and my smile couldn’t get any bigger. She is carrying our baby, a piece of her and a piece of me moulded into one tiny person. She places her hand over mine and smiles.

  “Twelve weeks.”

  She worries her lip between her teeth as I take in a sharp breath.

  Three fucking months. She kept it to herself for three whole months? What the actual fuck? I do the maths in my head, and that means she knew she was pregnant before we left for the European leg of our tour. Why the fuck would she do that? I curse to myself and walk over to the balcony. I pull open the doors and drop down on the lounger. I run my fingers through my hair so harshly that it is almost painful. I can’t believe she kept it from me for so long and I can feel myself trembling with anger. She follows me out onto the balcony and leans in the doorway.

  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, angel? That night you told me about Callum, I promised you if that ever happened to us, I’d stand by you.”

  I scrub my hand down my face, desperately trying to keep my anger leashed. She bursts into tears again, and I wrap her in my arms, trying to comfort her as she clings to me tightly.

  “Shhh, it’s going to be alright, angel, I promise. We’ll be a family. The three of us: you, me and our little rock star!”

  I laugh, and she cocks her eyebrow at me.

  “What if it’s a girl?”

  I cup her cheek and kiss her gently on the end of her nose.

  “Then she’s not leaving our house until she’s at least thirty-five, and I’m not letting any boys anywhere near her!”

  We both laugh, and she lets out a yawn.

  “Tired, angel?”

  She nods, and I pick her up, carrying her into the bedroom.

  “I can walk you know, I do have legs!”

  I laugh out loud.

  “I know, but you’re carrying precious cargo now!”

  She chuckles softly, and I set her down gently on the bed and lie down next to her. I pull her back to my chest and wrap my arms around her. I gently rest my hand on her stomach and snuggle into her back. At that moment, I feel so happy, jubilant and content with my life. I fall into a dreamless sleep with the woman I love in my arms and my unborn child in her stomach.

  ***

  Present

  Freddie squirms in my arms, and I get up from the floor and move over to the window. I hold him close to me as I look out across the New York City skyline.

  “See, this is where daddy lives sometimes, rock star. Isn't it beautiful?” I say softly. “Look, there’s the Empire State building, that’s the third tallest building in all of New York.”

  I chatter idly and smile as his chubby fingers cling onto my shirt. Peyton chuckles softly.

  “You’re a natural. I think that’s his way of telling you he likes you.”

  I turn around, and she still takes my breath away. Her innocence, her natural beauty, and the way she has the ability to calm my racings thoughts… by just being her. I hold our s
on close to me, and I am struck dumb by the little miracle in my arms.

  “I’m speechless, angel; he’s the most beautiful kid I’ve ever seen. He’s a little person that looks like us.”

  She smirks and cocks her eyebrow.

  “Since when did you start getting sentimental, Newbolt?” she says sassily, and I chuckle softly.

  “Since I started reading some of those sappy, erotic romance novels Ruby reads!”

  She raises her eyebrows and smirks. I can't believe I just fucking admitted that out loud!

  “Hey, don’t judge me, we had a year off. I’ve had time on my hands, babe!” I joke, and she cocks her eyebrow, silently asking me to elaborate.

  “You know the ones? Billionaire alpha male meets innocent young beauty, young beauty tries her hardest to stay away from said billionaire alpha male, but his pull is just too strong for her to resist, blah, blah, blah...you could write the plot on the head of a fucking pin!”

  I dramatically make a vomiting motion, and we both laugh. I am comfortable with the easy conversation between us; it is almost like the past year never happened.

  “Wow! Sam Newbolt in sappy romance novel shocker, that’s front-page news right there, babe!”

  She cheekily sticks her tongue out at me; I throw my head back and laugh. There’s my girl.

  “Shhh! I’ve got my rock star reputation to keep up, angel. Let’s keep that one just between us.”

  I put my index finger to my lips and wink cheekily. She visibly shivers, and even after all this time, my presence still affects her. That one single reaction gives me hope that we can move forward.

  “Freddie’s due his nap; can I put him down in one of your bedrooms, please?”

  I nod, disappointed that my time with my son is cut short, but I would agree to almost anything she asked if it meant that I get her to stay. Christ, I sound like such a pussy.

  “Yeah of course, whatever you need, angel.”

  I am still trying to process the fact that my Peyton is back, and we have a child together.

  “I would offer you some wine, or something stronger, but it's not very responsible, is it? I’ll put the coffee machine on; there are two spare bedrooms just through there, angel. As soon as you agreed to let me see him, I got Cole to order a cot and some bedding.”

  I point along the far end of the apartment, and she smiles. Amazing what having money can do to get things done.

  “You’ve thought of everything, thank you,” she says softly and reaches up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek.

  She turns to take Freddie with her, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I step into my kitchen and turn on the coffee machine, the aroma of fresh coffee beans filling my nostrils. I lean on the worktop and contemplate how I never really knew how much I wanted kids until Peyton told me she was pregnant. As soon as she told me, I knew instantly that I wasn’t going to be like that cocksucker, Callum, and bail on her when she needed me the most. I was prepared to stand by her and do the right thing. I was brought up believing that it takes two people to make a baby and I was prepared to support her both emotionally and financially.

  When the band first started I didn’t see a future with a girlfriend or a wife with two point four kids. I saw me being a world-famous rock star, an eternal bachelor destined for the single life, moving from one groupie to the next, and touring around the globe without a care in the world.

  Seeing Cole, Amy and Addison as a family in the year Peyton was gone, it cut me deep. I have never been envious of anyone in my life, because for years I had it all: the money, the fame, the rock and roll lifestyle, and the women. Yet in that year, I felt like I had nothing. I felt resentful towards Cole and Amy for having something that I felt I would never find again. A child created out of love between two people, a family of my own, a legacy, someone to pass on my words of wisdom to, and someone to carry on the Newbolt name.

  Cole and Amy’s daughter, Addison Rose Benedict, is my goddaughter. The day they asked me to do the honour of being her godfather was up there in the top five moments of my life. It’s an honour to have someone entrusting you to look after their child in event of their death and to be someone for that child to look up to.

  The night of her birth Cole was doing security for us at a gig; he wasn’t supposed to be working that night, but all his guys were out doing various jobs, and Trey, the guy who was meant to be standing in for him, called in sick. He reluctantly agreed to work the gig, and halfway through, he got a call from Milo that Amy was in labour. He gave me a look from the pit in front of the stage, and I instantly knew something had happened. I made an executive decision to cut the show short that night; much to J.D’s disgust, but I explained family comes first, always. I pulled a few strings, and I personally drove Cole to the hospital, breaking a few major speed limits along the way, but we got there just in time for him to see his daughter being born. It was a beautiful moment for us to see and welcome a new addition to the Rancid Vengeance family. I held Addison when she was just a few hours old, and I instantly fell in love with her. Now, at five years old, she is a little firecracker. She worships the ground I walk on, and that is why, six months ago, I reluctantly agreed to be her ‘date’ for her fifth birthday party.

  34

  Sam

  Six Months Ago

  “Uncle Sammy!”

  Addison comes bounding into my bedroom, with her black curly hair in pigtails. She is wearing a neon pink tutu, black tights with silver glittery guitar shapes all over them, her beloved pink Converse, and a black Rancid Vengeance t-shirt with our band logo on the front and the number five and ‘Team Bolt’ on the back. She looks like a tiny rocker, and she is adorable. The glum face I had sported previously disappeared as soon as I saw her. I am getting ready to accompany her to her fifth birthday party, and six months after Peyton’s death, it is becoming easier to paint on a smile and pretend everything is ok. I am dressed in jeans, black Doc Martens, a black v-neck t-shirt, and black blazer with the sleeves rolled up. I am styling my hair into soft spikes in the mirror as she stands in front of me with her hands on her hips.

  “Uncle Sammy, are you ready yet?”

  She sighs dramatically, and I chuckle softly.

  “Give me five more minutes, princess.”

  She rolls her eyes.

  “My mummy says you take longer than a girl to get ready!”

  I cock my pierced eyebrow and try to suppress my smirk.

  “Did she now?”

  She giggles cheekily, and I continue to spike my hair. She moves slowly to my left and stands on her tiptoes. She reaches out for my collection of aftershaves on my dresser and points to my Joop aftershave, my personal favourite.

  “Uncle Sammy, I think you should wear this one, you have to smell nice if you’re going to be my date for my party,” she says animatedly.

  I finish spiking my hair, wipe the excess gel on a black towel, which is slung over the back of my black leather chaise lounge, and I pick up the bottle she has chosen. Joop, my favourite and Peyton's favourite.

  “Good choice, baby girl, that one happens to be my favourite.”

  I wink and splash on some aftershave while she watches me like I’m the most fascinating person she’s ever seen.

  “Do you miss Aunty Peyton, Uncle Sammy?” She asks curiously.

  My smile fades, and I screw the lid on my aftershave bottle.

  “Every day, baby girl, but I know that she’s in heaven looking down on us right now.”

  I pick her up. She clings to my neck, and she wraps her little legs around my waist. Even though it is the middle of the afternoon, I go to the window of my bedroom and point to the sky.

  “You see at night when the stars come out, princess?”

  She looks at me and nods. I’m not sure I can find the right words to say to her, to make her understand, so I go with my heart’s instinct.

  “Well, one of those stars is Aunty Peyton. When we’re lost, she’ll guide us. When we’re sad, she’ll comfort
us, and when we’re lonely or confused, she’ll put us back on the right track.”

  She grins at me and points out of the window.

  “I think she’s definitely the brightest star in the sky, Uncle Sammy.”

  I swallow back the lump in my throat and nod.

  “Yes, she is. Come on then tiger, let’s get the birthday girl to her party.”

  We arrive at Cole and Amy’s house, which is a converted barn next door to my place, where the party is taking place. It is a bright, open space with floor to ceiling windows that showcase the miles and miles of rolling green hills behind the property. The house looks like every little girls’ fantasy. There is pink glittery shit everywhere, and it looks like someone vomited a Disney film. Addison clings to me tighter as we enter the room, and everyone applauds as they see the birthday girl. But I can’t help but hear the audible gasps of her friends’ mums as they see who has entered the room with her.