by Ute Jackle
Staring at my own face, I felt he must have been talking about someone else. His chest pressed gently against my back; I couldn’t help it and leaned into him.
“And I really don’t get why you always wear these baggy clothes either,” he whispered into my ear, his lips touching my earlobe as if by chance.
A tingling sensation spread throughout me. “Because... Because...” I couldn’t tell him the real reason. His arms moved around my waist, inch by inch, while he watched every move I made in the mirror. I let him do it and leaned my head against his neck, with a wildly pounding heart.
He caressed me gently beneath my breasts, brushing them as if unintentionally with his thumbs. “You’re so sexy,” he murmured hoarsely. “When you showed up in the kitchen last night it almost blew me away.”
“My breasts are way too big!” burst out of me.
Ben held me tighter and continued to caress me in this amazingly tender way. “They’re beautiful. There’s absolutely no need to hide them. Your breasts suit you; you are curvy and exciting. But that’s not all. You’re funny and pretty. You’re easy to talk to and joke around with. When you’re angry, your eyes sparkle like diamonds. It’s all part of who you are. All of it makes you attractive.” He had lowered his head while talking, now he was watching me over my shoulder while he kept stroking me gently.
I closed my eyes, wanting him to never stop. My breath quickened as he leaned his cheek against my head—then a key turned in the lock, and we separated hastily. The door opened. Toby and Ellen appeared in the hallway, observing us with interest. I was sure they had noticed how we jumped apart.
“Hey, what are you doing in the hallway?” Toby pulled his key out of the lock, while Ellen stared at us with a stony expression.
“We were just talking.” Ben shrugged
I brushed back a strand of hair and threw Ben a glance. His face didn’t reveal what was going on inside him, but he looked past me to Ellen.
“Are you feeling better?” Ellen asked.
“Yes, everything’s okay now. I just felt a little sick yesterday,” I hastened to explain.
“I’m sure Ben nursed you back to health quickly.” Ellen sounded snide.
I nodded. “Yes, he did.”
Toby tapped me on the shoulder. “So, your cee-le whatchamacallit wasn’t your imagination after all.”
“Nope.” I winked at Ben as discreetly as possible, but he wasn’t paying any attention to me, instead he stared at the floor.
“Well, guys?” Toby nodded towards the kitchen. “Anyone up for a late breakfast?” He held up a bakery bag.
“I don’t feel like eating today. I’m going back to bed to try and sleep this off,” I declined.
“What about you?” Toby addressed Ben.
“I already ate.”
With a shrug, Toby pointed Ellen, who had been leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, towards the kitchen.
Ben ran his fingers through his hair before he finally looked at me. “I should get some sleep too, didn’t get much last night.” He went to his door and put one hand on the doorknob.
Reluctantly, I also started to move. Even though I didn’t want him to disappear into his room, and if he did, I wanted him with me. Why had he said all those things earlier if he was acting so nonchalant now? I didn’t dare ask him though. I was just about to turn into my room, when I heard a quiet “Luca,” coming from his direction.
“Yes?” My heart jumped.
“About just now.”
“Yes.” I held my breath.
“I just wanted to show you how men see you—in general. Okay?”
“Okay,” was all I could think to say. What a bastard! Anger rose up in me, anger and humiliation at such a cocky statement. How right he was earlier! He wasn’t able to put himself in other people’s shoes; he was much too preoccupied with himself. Of course, he assumed I’d taken his words to heart. Because no girl could resist him. So, that’s how it worked when he was on the prowl. He charmed women, made them feel special, and when he was done with them, he showed his conquests the cold shoulder afterwards. Grudgingly, I had to admit his act had worked on me too. This guy was definitely out of my league. Ben had mastered this art to perfection, and the most amazing thing was that I hadn’t even realized for a moment that he was just stringing me along.
29
A few days later, Caro and I met at Starbucks to pick up coffee to go. She’d just come from a job interview at an art gallery, and we used the opportunity to catch up before her shift at the fitness club started. I ordered a caramel macchiato to test whether my digestive system was fully operational again. Caro had a caffè mocha. With our cups in our hands, we strolled along the pedestrian zone towards the city square. There was a light breeze, and cotton-ball clouds frolicked in the sky above us.
“What happened at the gallery? Did you get the job?” I sucked at my straw, carefully tracking my internal state.
“Not really yet.” Sighing, she headed for a park bench. “It seems there are several applicants, and now the boss has given each of us an assignment. We have two weeks to put together a portfolio, and she wants to make a decision based on that.”
I sat down next to her on one of the benches. “You’ll nail it, no question. You’re such a good artist. She’d be stupid not to hire you.”
Caro crossed her legs. “She doesn’t just want the portfolio. In two weeks, she wants to test us all at the same time on a Saturday to see how we work under pressure.” She snorted. “As if I were applying to MoMA in New York and not some crummy little gallery in downtown Erlangen.”
“Why do you let her walk all over you like that?” I took a deep sip of my macchiato, and to my delight, my stomach seemed to be behaving today.
“Because Nuremberg and everything around is like a developing country when it comes to art. I’ll be lucky enough to find a job in this field at all.”
“That sucks.”
She nodded.
“How are things with Martha?” I asked cautiously. Although Caro’s relationship status on Facebook still showed in a relationship, she was being very quiet about it, which was never a good sign.
“Martha.” She groaned as if in pain. “Martha says she’s getting tired of our incessant relationship discussions. Can you believe that?” She propped her heel on the bench. “We’re only arguing because she won’t commit to this relationship 100%.”
“Have you told your parents about her, yet?” I threw my empty cup into a trash can next to the bench.
“No.”
“I see.”
She lightly punched me on the arm. “What do you mean, I see?”
“That you’re not 100% committed to her either.”
“But I totally am. At least, here in Nuremberg. Besides, it’s complicated. My father had a bypass a few years ago. What do I do if I spill the beans, and he has a heart attack? I couldn’t handle having him on my conscience.”
I burst out laughing. It was amazing how Caro always turned everything around. “Take a defibrillator with you, just in case.”
Caro crossed her arms. “I’m so sick of fighting with Martha. Sometimes I think I’d be better off straight.”
Giggling, I leaned my head against her shoulder. “Oh, that’s not easier at all, believe me.”
“What’s going on with Ben? Has he seriously not tried to hit on you again?”
“Definitely not.” I shook my head. “I think he’s even been avoiding me.”
“What’s with that guy?” Caro smacked her forehead theatrically. “At first, he almost jumps on you...”
“He didn’t jump on me, he hugged me.”
“Okay.” Caro rolled her eyes; it was obvious she thought they were the same thing. “So, first he hugs you and whispers sweet nothings in your ear, and the next thing you know, he pretends nothing happened?”
“That’s exactly how it was,” I grimly agreed. “You should’ve seen him. He almost had me buying the stuff he spouted. It was so ele
ctric between us, and the next moment… Boom! Sorry, Luca, I didn’t mean me, but some random guys who might be into you.” I snorted. “He’s still nice and polite and everything. When I run into him in the kitchen he always asks if I want a drink and stuff. But…” I sat up.
Caro hung on my every word. “Here it comes,” she whispered.
“He makes sure we’re never alone in a room. If Toby disappears, he also leaves immediately. He’s acting so immature.”
“Makes me glad I am a lesbian,” sighed Caro with relief. Her own drama obviously didn’t seem so bad to her anymore.
“You can be,” I mumbled, pushing all thoughts of Ben aside for now. He wasn’t worth the headache. That particular evening, after he had dragged me in front of the mirror, he had gone out and brought back a pretty redhead to the apartment. We ran into each other in the hallway when I came out of the bathroom. Without a word, he had propelled his new bed bunny into his room. That was all it took for him to put me in my place. But damn, that had hurt. Why was it suddenly so painful to see him with other women? His bedmates had never bothered me before now.
“Hey, I have to get to the gym. My shift starts in half an hour.”
“That’s okay. I have to go to class too.”
“What about that weirdo who was harassing you?”
I got up. “Martin?”
“Yes.” Caro took my arm as we walked.
“Thank God he’s ignoring me. It seems like the boys’ threats worked. He even dropped out of our study group. Rhashmi told me everyone was sick of his stupid babbling anyway; they just didn’t say anything because I was being so nice to him.”
“Be happy he’s leaving you alone.”
“Oh, I definitely am.”
“Just imagine if it had gotten out of hand the way it did when…”
The hair stood up on the back of my neck. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Never again.”
“Course not.” She stroked my arm.
At the crosswalk, we parted ways, since the campus was in the other direction.
“Bye, I’ll call you.” I hugged Caro.
“And don’t forget the LGBTQ gala in two weeks.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” I marched off to get to my class on time, which unfortunately Martin attended as well. Although he stayed out of my way, I felt him staring at me the entire hour and regretted going out with him for the hundredth time.
30
Around three in the afternoon I was sitting at my desk studying. Toby had been picked up by some friends to go play soccer, and Ben was off at the Ark. Apparently, the kids there had a basketball tournament today, which he and a couple of coaches had organized. Those two were way too athletic for my taste.
Over and over again, I caught myself logging into Facebook to check out Ben’s profile picture. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see any more than that, because he had made his personal info private. His profile picture was a snapshot of him sitting on a rock, his legs bent and arms resting on his knees. Smiling, looking relaxed and happy. In fact, I’d never seen him this relaxed at home. With one finger I traced the contours of the tiny picture - that was totally juvenile, but nobody would ever know. His lips were beautiful and sensually shaped, and I asked myself once again why he never kissed a woman on the mouth.
The doorbell cut into my thoughts; I flinched and paused for a moment.
I wonder who that could be. Perhaps one of the boys had forgotten his keys and locked himself out. Maybe even Ben. I briefly considered making him wait by ignoring the bell until it rang continuously, just to offer the excuse that I had been talking to a guy from my genetics class on the phone and hadn’t heard him ring. Of course, I’d be all contrite about it.
Finally, I went to check. After all, he would only congratulate me for taking his stupid advice to hit on guys and enjoy my single life. I could do without that. But it wasn’t Ben. To my surprise, it was Erdie holding hands with a little dark-haired girl, who couldn’t be older than five years.
“Hey, Luca,” he greeted. “Is Ben home by any chance? I can’t reach him on his phone.”
I shook my head. “As far as I know, he’s at the Ark for a basketball tournament.”
“That’s right.” He smacked his forehead and turned to the little girl. “What are we going to do, now?”
She just shrugged.
I took a closer look at Erdie’s little friend. She was super cute with long, dark-brown hair and light-blue eyes. What a combination! Glittery clips held her hair to one side, and she wore a pink dress that made her look like a doll.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“It’s my day with Phyllis,” he explained. “But I really need to go with my brother to pick some things up for his wholesale market opening tomorrow. But I can’t take my little girl with me, it’s too chaotic inside. I’d have to leave her in the car for two hours, and I can’t do that either.” He rubbed his neck. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to cancel on my brother if I can’t reach Ben.”
Was this the Phyllis he’d mentioned at the cafeteria? Obviously, I’d misjudged him completely. But how in the world did Erdie have a five-year-old?
Phyllis tugged on his sleeve. “Who is that lady, Daddy?”
“She lives with Ben.”
“Oh, are they married?” She stared at me as critically as Vada checking out her father’s new girlfriend in My Girl, and I had the distinct feeling of not passing muster.
“No, she’s just Ben’s roommate.” He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder. “Let’s go. We need to tell Uncle Yasir he’ll have to go by himself.”
“I could watch her.”
“You?”
“Why not? I’m home anyway. So if you want, you can leave her with me.”
Erdie was still considering my offer, when Phyllis wrapped her arms to his leg. “I don’t want to stay with a strange lady, Daddy.”
I figured that might be the case, so I stepped aside. “Why don’t you two come in for a bit, have a drink, and we’ll take it from there?” I winked at Erdie, who gently freed himself from the girl’s clutches.
“Now that you mention it. I’m actually really thirsty. What about you, Phyllis?”
Phyllis frowned. “Only if you stay too.”
“Of course, I’ll stay.” He led her to the kitchen by the hand, and I followed.
Phyllis took off her unicorn backpack before she sat down at the table. Meanwhile, I got some orange juice from the fridge and some glasses.
“What do you have in your backpack?” I asked.
“My drawing things and a couple of games.”
“What kind of games?”
Phyllis went through her backpack, and I smiled at Erdie, who was pouring juice into the glasses.
“Memory, Uno,” Phyllis told me as she put a pack of cards on the table. “Do you know how to play?”
“Of course.” I nodded. “I’m actually the best Uno player in Erlangen.”
“Really?” Phyllis’ face lit up. “Ben is the worst Uno player in the whole world,” she went on. “He always loses.”
“You better watch out, Phyllis cheats,” Erdie warned me, gently stroking his little daughter’s head. “Besides, she’s always inventing new rules.”
“Not true at all,” protested Phyllis and pouted.
I already liked her; her face really was too sweet. I grabbed the cards and shuffled them. “Will you join us for a game?” I asked Erdie.
He looked at the clock and moaned, “If I have to…”
While I dealt, I said, “Does Ben watch Phyllis a lot?”
“He used to, but since she started kindergarten, it’s easier.”
I picked up my cards and was pleased to discover that I had gotten both a Wild Draw 4 and a Draw 2 card. Poor Erdie, his turn was after mine.
“How do you know Ben anyway?” I decided on the spot to seize this opportunity and get some information out of Ben’s best friend.
“From school,” he willingly told
me. “We were in the same class.”
“Oh, you’ve been friends for that long? I’m sure you drove all the girls in your class crazy back then,” I teased him a little and laid down a card.
He laughed. “I did, Ben not so much.”
“Why not Ben?”
Phyllis played a red six, the same color as my red Draw 2 card, which I now played.
“Dang,” mumbled Erdie, and picked two cards.
“Ben was fat as a kid.”
My jaw dropped.
“Really?” Phyllis giggled. “As fat as Adrian from kindergarten?”
“Much fatter.” He played a card. “The first time I ran into Ben on the schoolyard, I beat him up. That’s how we met.”
I had a sip of orange juice. “Why did you beat him up?”
Erdie shrugged. “Because he was fat.”
“That’s it?”
“You were a bad boy, Daddy,” Phyllis scolded him.
“Well, I was a stupid brat,” he defended himself. “When my mom found out, she made my life a living hell. She invited Ben to our house and forced me to play with him after that. At first, I didn’t want to.” He turned to Phyllis, who was listening with her mouth hanging open. “But your grandma threatened me that if I didn’t improve my attitude, I’d have to clean everybody’s shoes in the family for the rest of my life. So, I played with him, and to my surprise, he was a lot of fun. That’s how we became friends.”
“But Ben’s not fat,” Phyllis objected.
“Not anymore. He grew up and started playing basketball; Ben got thinner and thinner. And that’s why,” he poked her nose, “you should never judge anyone just because they’re different. Get to know them first. So, you won’t be as dumb as your daddy was.”
The little girl chuckled. She couldn’t be older than five, and Erdie was about my age. So, he had become a father really young.
