“Brooklyn, that’s messed up. You deserve better.”
I shake my head venomously. “No, I don’t, Jaxon. I don’t deserve anything but misery. I deserve to suffer.”
“No, you don’t. God, why would you even say that? You deserve to be happy.” Jaxon caresses my cheek. Emotions play over his face, ones that I can’t even read.
“I want to tell you something.” I look away from him. “Something that is going to make you hate me, but I want to tell somebody. It’s something I’ve never told anybody before.”
“Whatever it is, I will never judge you.”
I look at him through my lashes, and I wonder if he will ever look at me like this again. I can see how much he cares for me. It’s in his eyes. He may not know it yet, but he is falling for me. Despite the fact that he thinks I’m too young, it doesn’t matter. Not to his heart.
I soak up this moment, knowing when he looks at me after this, it will be with disdain or pity, not love.
“When I was growing up, my parents were on a long-term assignment in Italy. I was part of their cover,” I begin. “They were there to take down a branch of the Italian mafia, but they weren’t after any of the small guys. They were there after the head guy. But they needed proof.”
Jaxon puts his hand on my thigh and gently caresses it with his thumb.
I take a deep breath. “When I was sixteen, my parents knew who the head guy was, but they needed proof. The guy... he had a son who was my age, so my parents asked me to befriend him. I did.”
He grins. “I bet he fell for you.”
I sigh. “Friendship wasn’t enough to get him to open up to me. So, my parents asked me to date him. I did. But it still wasn’t enough. So... they told me that I needed to make him fall in love with me.”
The smile falls from Jaxon’s face, like he knows exactly what I’m about to say next.
“My parents told me that I should lose my virginity to him. When I told them I wasn’t in love with him, and that I wanted to lose my virginity when I was in love, they told me that giving my body away to men was just part of the job. They said it should be an honor to lose my virginity so they could solve the case.” I bite my lip, scared to continue, but I know I have to. “So, I lost my virginity to him that night, and the next day, he told me everything. I realized then that I had come to love him, but not in the way a girl is supposed to love her boyfriend. I ended up feeling dirty for the whole thing. But I kept up the ruse and I told my parents what he told me.”
Jaxon’s hand tightens on my thigh.
I finally look at him. I need to see his face when I say this next part. “He told me how scared of his dad he was. He said that as soon as he could, he was going to get his mom out of there. He said he was going to take me. He wasn’t like his dad. He was a good man. But when Spy School went to arrest his dad, somehow he and his mom were caught in the crossfire, and they were both killed. They died because I betrayed him.”
“Brooklyn, that is not your fault.” He shakes his head back and forth. “It was never your place to get involved in their mission. You were sixteen, and you hadn’t trained enough for something that big.”
I nod, because I know that he’s right.
But it doesn’t change what I did.
His eyes widen. “That was last year?”
I bite my lip, not answering. I don’t want to answer, because he knows when I am lying. He will know I’m lying if I say it was last year, so I don’t say anything.
“Do you hate me?” My voice is shaky once I am brave enough to actually speak.
“I could never hate you.” He rubs his hands along my cheek. “As much as I try to not like you, something about you draws me in like a magnet.”
I knew that he liked me, but it’s nice to hear him admit it out loud.
Jaxon leans forward and his lips gently graze against mine. He gives me a chance to pull away if I want, but I’ve wanted this kiss since the moment I saw him in his classroom. It’s more than just a kiss. It’s everything.
I want Jaxon to consume me.
I want him to have my heart and my soul.
The thoughts should have me running, but I realized I am tired of running. Maybe I’m ready to make some attachments. And Jaxon Duran is who I want to be attached to in every way possible.
He deepens the kiss, and I grab onto the back of his neck, pulling him into me. What started out as a chaste kiss has turned into something more, and I don’t want this to stop. I never want it to stop.
Jaxon pulls away first. When I open my eyes, I expect him to be as excited as me, but instead he looks horrified.
“Brooklyn, I am so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” I ask, feeling confused. Why is he apologizing?
He picks me up, putting me onto the floor, and then stands up. “I should not have kissed you. You’re too young. I... I know better.” He runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “This is wrong Brooklyn. I shouldn’t be attracted to you. What kind of twenty-two-year old man is attracted to a seventeen-year old girl?”
That’s when I realize just how badly Jaxon Duran has been struggling. He doesn’t know that I’m nineteen. He doesn’t know that this really is okay. He sees me as seventeen. And I have just been making things worse for him. I’ve been flirting with him.
When I see just how horrified he is with himself, I promise myself that I will make it easier for him. I can’t tell him the truth about me being here undercover, but I can watch my actions in the future. I can stop flirting with him so much.
Jaxon looks at me. “What happened with that boy and his mother was not your fault. And if I ever meet your parents, I will tell them to their faces just how fucked up they are. And this... none of this is your fault, either. But we can’t be together. And you’re a smart girl. I know you know the reasons. I just need to make sure you understand, because I don’t want to be the cause of any tears for you.”
I nod. “I understand, Jaxon. I do.”
“Good,” he says. “I’m going to punch Killian, so don’t be alarmed if you see him with a black eye tomorrow.”
My eyes widen. “Should you do that? I mean, you’re a teacher.”
He shrugs, grinning. “He and I both know that he deserves it. And I’d better not see you sitting with him anymore. You deserve better.”
I don’t know about all that, but I still nod, knowing he won’t accept any other answer.
“You should give Luke a chance. He’s a good guy.” Jaxon looks pained as the words leave his mouth.
“No offense, but I think I’m done with guys for a while. I’m just going to buy a good vibrator and use my imagination.” The more I think about it, the better the idea sounds.
He laughs, but then sighs. “Brooklyn, I am sorry for all the things you’ve gone through in your life. I feel like you make so much more sense to me now. I get why you’re so nonchalant about sex. I mean, your parents taught you to be that way. But you deserve a guy who will give you the world.”
His words warm my heart.
Jaxon says goodbye and leaves me alone, but I no longer feel like crying.
Jaxon Duran has fallen for me. That much I know. And it’s enough for now. Maybe when this mission is over, we can be together. But for now, this is the way it has to be.
Thursday, August 13
Done with guys.
In an attempt to avoid seeing Killian, I skip breakfast in the dining hall and just grab a coffee on my way to class. I don’t think I could eat this morning, anyway. My stomach is in knots.
I know that Killian regrets what he did. I knew it yesterday when I saw his face. And I do think what he did was messed up. I mean, if he was truly serious about wanting to date me, he would have given me time to figure out my feelings. We had only known each other three days. He didn’t wait before jumping into bed with another girl. That says a lot.
I’m not mad at him. No, that’s a lie. I am mad at him, but I’m trying not to be. I know that things will nev
er go back to the way they were, but maybe someday I can find it in my heart to forgive him.
But Killian is not the only reason my stomach is in knots. And when I walk into my history class that Thursday morning and see Jaxon sitting behind his desk, I’m very glad that I decided to skip breakfast. I kind of feel like I’m going to vomit.
I have a crush on Jaxon Duran.
It’s more than a crush.
So.
Much.
More.
I am falling for him, a man I barely know, yet I feel like I’ve known him forever. Me, the girl who avoids commitment and relationships. And I feel like it’s the worst kind of karma that I’m falling for a guy who will never love me back.
I take a seat in the back of the classroom, using my hair to curtain my face. I don’t want anybody to see me, and I definitely don’t want to see anybody else. I just want to hide from the world, but of course I never get what I want.
When a figure stands in front of me, I try to fight my instinct to look up, but I can’t. Being a Spy School agent, I know I can’t keep my head down ever. I have to be vigilant. I have to watch. I have to...
Dang it.
Killian is standing right in front of my desk. And, as Jaxon promised, he has a black eye.
I hate how happy his black eye makes me feel.
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracks, and I want to feel bad for him, I do. It’s just...
He sucks.
Killian Young sucks.
I don’t know what to say to him, so I speak in Italian, knowing that he won’t understand what I am saying.
“You were a complete jerk to me. I told you when we first started hanging out that I make pretty boys like you cry, but you said you could handle it. Then when I turned you down, you couldn’t handle the rejection. Now that you’ve got your revenge on me and buried your cock in some other girl, you want me to forgive you, and for things to go back to normal?” I shake my head. “That is not how it works.”
He just looks at me, confusion on his face.
I am so focused on him that I don’t notice when a figure comes over to us, behind him.
“Killian, leave Brooklyn alone and take your seat.” Jaxon crosses his arms over his chest.
I notice that Killian flinches when Jaxon speaks. He’s probably scared that Jaxon is going to punch him again.
Even though I’m not sure that Killian deserved to be punched in the face, it still brings me great joy to see the black eye marring his perfect face.
Killian has no idea that I was coming back to his room to tell him that I was going to be his girlfriend, and I wonder what his reaction would be if he knew. I also wonder what he would’ve said had I come over, maybe an hour later. What if the girl was already gone? Would he have said yes, even though he knew what he did? I guess these are things that I’m not going to know the answer to.
Still, I feel like an idiot.
When people walk into the classroom, a few of them look at me, and they whisper to their friends. I don’t know the girl who was having sex with Killian, but I imagine that she told people what happened. I know that Killian didn’t tell, and I also know Jaxon wouldn’t tell either.
I spot Luke walk in the door. He looks at the desk where I normally sit, then his eyes scan the room until they land on me. When he sees me, he walks over, taking the spot directly beside me.
“How are you doing?” Luke whispers the words, very aware that people are probably trying to listen to our conversation.
“I’m about at a cuss-in-Italian level.” I’m certain he will understand what I mean.
He frowns. “He’s an idiot. And if he didn’t already have a black eye, I’d give him one.”
I smile at that. I’m glad that Luke is willing to protect my honor. It means a lot.
“Did you give him the black eye?” Luke raises an eyebrow.
“Nah. That was Jaxon.”
His mouth falls open. “Mr. Duran?”
“Yeah.” I nod, still not quite believing it myself. “He saw me crying in the hallway, and I told him what happened.”
“What exactly did happen?” Luke asks. “I heard rumors, but I don’t know the truth.”
I sigh. “Well, Killian asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said no. He got mad. I left for a little while to think. And I decided to come back and tell that I changed my mind, but when I walked in, he was having sex with another girl.”
“Arschloch!” Luke exclaims.
I know enough German to know that he just called Killian an asshole, and I have to say, I agree.
“Does this mean I get you all to myself?” Luke smirks, letting me know that he’s just joking.
“Luke, I’ve heard enough girls talking to know that you don’t date,” I say. “And you definitely don’t do random hookups. I’m really not the girl for you.”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “I think you’re perfect for me. I think you’re just too scared to admit it.”
I just smirk, not saying anything.
I’m in love with a guy I can’t have. I was also falling for a guy who probably would’ve cheated on me as soon as he was given the chance... Honestly, I think I should be done with guys for a while.
Only talking.
“Want me to murder him?” Hendrix slides his tray down beside Ellie, looking at me.
I shake my head. “Nah. If I wanted him dead, I’d have already killed him.”
It’s the truth. But I don’t kill without probable cause. Cheating on me is not probable cause.
Well, I guess he technically didn’t even cheat. He just... got his feelings hurt and reacted.
“He looks like he’s miserable.” Ellie’s voice is soft, and I know she’s feeling sorry for Killian right now. She’s got a soft heart, which means she must not have been through fear training, yet. Once they put her through fear training, she will toughen up. She’ll have to if she wants to survive this job.
I glance over at Killian, and he does look pretty miserable. He hasn’t touched the lunch that is in front of him, and his black eye looks darker now than it did a few hours ago. He’s probably got a killer headache right now.
As if he senses me looking, he glances over at me and our eyes meet. I can see just how miserable he truly is.
“I bet he hates himself right now.” A tray goes down beside me as Luke sits down. “I kind of hate him, too.”
“Me, too.” I turn to Luke, trying to forget Killian. But I can’t. And when I think of him, I think of that girl who was on top of him last night. I don’t even know who she is, and I don’t want to know.
“I wonder who gave him the black eye,” Ellie ponders.
Hendrix looks at me, raising an eyebrow. “Was it you?”
I shake my head.
I wish I could take the blame for that one, but it also feels good to know that Jaxon cared enough to do that to Killian.
“Do you know who did?” Hendrix prods.
I nod.
“You going to tell us who?” Ellie asks.
I shake my head.
No way am I going to tell them. Telling them would mean that I’d have to also tell them about the relationship between Jaxon and me, but that has to stay quiet. Not for me. If it were up to me, I’d be shouting to the world that Jaxon Duran kissed me and confessed his feelings for me. But then I think how torn up Jaxon was about the kiss we shared. I have to keep it quiet.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, so I pull it out, wanting to escape the questions that my friends have. This is not one that I am caving on. I would never hurt Jaxon like that.
Killian: Please, will you talk to me?
I sigh, reading over the words.
I know that I can’t keep avoiding Killian. I start to text him back when my phone vibrates again.
Michael Sinclair: I’m coming into town. Meet me tonight in my office around midnight. Don’t let anybody see you come.
Me: Yes, sir. I will be there.
I look back at Killian’s text, sigh
ing.
Me: Meet me in my dorm room at 7 tonight. We can talk, but that is it. Only talking. We can’t be together anymore.
Killian: I will take whatever I can get. :) See you then.
I lock my phone, putting it away.
I’m not sure who I am more nervous about talking to—Killian or Michael Sinclair.
“Earth to Brooklyn.” Luke waves a hand in front of my face.
“Sorry. I spaced.”
“Was that Killian?” He nods to where I put my phone in my pocket.
I nod. “He wants to talk.”
“Are you going to?” Ellie asks.
“Yeah, I think I am.” I look at my friends, then I look down. “I’m done with him, don’t get me wrong. But he didn’t cheat on me. I turned him down—a lot.”
“If you say it’s your fault, I’m going to vomit.” Hendrix wrinkles his nose.
“No. It’s absolutely not my fault. He’s the one who couldn’t wait to put his dick in some other chick,” I confirm. “But he was my friend. I’m going to give him a chance to explain himself. I don’t want to lose our friendship, and I don’t believe in holding grudges.”
“If you change your mind about killing him, you know where to find me.”
I laugh at Hendrix’s offer.
He’s a good friend.
But I’m not going to murder Killian, no matter how big of a jerk he was to me.
C’est la vie.
Even though I have deemed Jesse a non-threat at Spy School, I still like hanging out with him. The two of us have bonded. And he’s still going to help me learn French, which is much appreciated.
I’m also glad that I’m hanging out with Jesse today, because usually after training, I go to hang out with Killian. I’m a little sad that I’m not in his dorm room this afternoon. I’m going to see him later tonight, but it’s definitely not going to be a fun conversation. Far from it, in fact.
The Undercover Life (Spy Academy Book 1) Page 7
