by Mona Kasten
Disentangling myself, I looked at him, eyebrows raised.
“Making you smile instead of cry, I mean.” He frowned as if he couldn’t quite believe he’d just said what he’d said.
Now with my forehead against his, I smiled even wider.
Chapter 29
We decided not to go hiking and went home instead. By now it was late afternoon.
On the way there, I leaned my head against Kaden’s shoulder and held his hand, which rested on my thigh.
By now, there was only a small, dark yellow mark on his hand as a reminder of the incident at Hillhouse, and I caressed it with my thumb.
When we reached home it was raining cats and dogs. Dashing along the short path to the front door was enough to soak me through. Kaden laughed as he heard me cursing. Rain didn’t bother him at all.
I hadn’t even opened the front door all the way, but Kaden was already inside. He grabbed my hand and pulled me after him up the stairs. I laughed, remembering how he’d already done something similar before.
“Are you planning to make another dent in the wall?”
He turned to me and grinned. Then and there he grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up, though we hadn’t reached our floor yet. He kissed me wildly, sending an electric tingling through my entire body.
“I need a shower,” murmured Kaden, and carried me the rest of the way up, my legs wrapped around his body.
“Me too.” I laughed through our kiss.
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
Once upstairs, he set me down and reached again for my hand. Laughing, we turned the corner.
Kaden stopped so suddenly that I ran into him.
He let go of my hand. It dropped limply. It was as if he’d turned to stone.
“Kaden, what—”
“Get out.”
Confused, I stepped forward.
Leaning against the wall at our apartment door was a guy wearing a suit and white shirt, a matching jacket flung over one shoulder. His dark blond hair was loosely styled, and he regarded us with an amused smirk that made me instantly uncomfortable.
He looked like the little boy in the photos at Rachel’s house.
A lot like Kaden. And then again not.
“I mean it,” Kaden said in a threatening tone. “Get out.”
Kaden’s features froze like a statue, he was that rigid. I was starting to feel scared.
“Nice to see you, too, bro,” said Alex. Unlike Kaden, his body seemed relaxed. His gaze wandered from Kaden to me. He smiled. “Who do we have here?”
This inquiry seemed to wake Kaden from his shock. He grimaced, grabbed me by the arm and pulled me with him to the apartment door. His grip was strong and hurt, but I didn’t complain. I trusted Kaden, and if he reacted this way there must be a good reason.
He didn’t let me go until he’d unlocked the door and pushed me ahead into the hall.
“It’s about Dad, Kaden. He wants to sell a part of the company.” Alex was still standing in the same position, still leaning casually against the doorframe. He hadn’t even raised his voice.
“Why should I care?” Kaden shot back and chucked his jacket toward the coatrack. I bent down to pick it up and hung it on a hook.
“They’re the shares he’s wanted to transfer to you since your twenty-first birthday. You know he’s been trying to get you on board for ages. But if you don’t want the shares, he’ll sell them.”
Kaden tried to slam the door shut without another word, but Alex was quicker. His foot shot forward like lightning, blocking the door from latching. With the flat of his hand, he pushed it back open.
“Just sign the papers, and I’ll leave,” he pleaded.
Kaden seemed to be weighing the situation; his face was still frozen. His gaze fell on me, and he swallowed hard. He came over and bent down to look me in the eye. “Please wait in your room.”
It was the last thing I wanted to do but Kaden reached for my arm again and gripped it tightly. “Please, Allie.”
With my lips pressed together, I nodded. Then I kicked off my shoes and went to my room. Throwing a last look over my shoulder, I saw Kaden step aside and nod for his brother to enter. Alex went straight into the living room. With a queasy feeling in my stomach, I closed my door.
If Kaden didn’t want me around when he discussed business with his brother, I could respect that. Even if it was hard for me to leave him alone in such a state.
What had happened between them? Kaden had shared some things with me, but I had witnessed two brothers who’d gone through more than just the divorce of their parents. Kaden’s face had been burning with hatred. And fear.
But why?
Ten minutes passed, then twenty. I paced in my room, much too agitated to do any studying. After thirty minutes without any sign, I couldn’t hold back any longer.
I cracked the door a sliver, and although I couldn’t see either of them, I heard every word.
“Shut the fuck up, Alex,” Kaden spat out his brother’s name.
“You need to get over it. How many years has it been? Two? Three?” Alex continued, unmoved. “It wasn’t serious between you two, anyway.”
I heard a noise.
“My God, you disgust me.” I could hardly understand Kaden, he sounded so furious.
“What do you want from me? I messed up, okay. But I confessed once and don’t feel the need to repeat it. Why isn’t that enough for you?”
“You confessed? When? I must have missed that,” hissed Kaden.
“We made a decision back then that protected our family. You know that as well as I do.”
Kaden snorted with contempt.
“And if you weren’t so proud, you wouldn’t have to live in such a shithole like this. You wouldn’t need a roommate to help pay the rent,” Alex continued.
“I won’t take a penny of that filthy money.”
I held my breath. Kaden had said that his father had refused to support him—but he’d never said he didn’t want his money.
Now it was Alex who snorted. “Sooner or later your pride will be your downfall, Kaden. Don’t destroy your future, just because things didn’t work out with a woman.”
I heard a muted thud and was sure Kaden had pounded the living room table with his fist. “That had nothing to do with Kendra. Keep her out of it.”
“How, then? With the new one?” Alex gave a cold laugh.
“I swear, Alex, if you even get near her I’ll-”
“So is that why you moved here? Because no one knows anything?”
Kaden gave a low growl.
“The girl doesn’t know, does she?” Alex probed. “Maybe I should take this chance to enlighten her.”
Something hit the floor with a bang. That was enough: I opened the door and rushed into the living room. Kaden stood with quaking shoulders opposite his brother, who sat on the couch, looking unimpressed.
“I think it would be better if you left,” I said, coldly.
“Oh, how cute.” Alex looked at Kaden with a smirk, then back to me again. A smile spread across his face as he let his eyes wander over my body. A familiar feeling crept over me.
“Get out of our apartment, or I’ll call the police,” I threatened, unable to suppress the quavering in my voice.
Cool and calm, Alex shuffled the papers on the table and stood. I marched to the door and held it wide open, as far as it went. He followed. Just before stepping across the threshold, he turned again toward me.
“Till next time,” he murmured.
I averted my eyes and felt bile rising up my throat.
When he was out, I slammed the door and locked it from the inside. Meanwhile, Kaden was standing stock still, as if frozen in place.
“He’s gone,” I whispered, placing my hand on his shoulder.
He winced and turned
to me. He looked so angry that I took a step back. I opened my mouth but no sound came out.
Before I knew what had happened, Kaden had turned on his heel and had disappeared into his room. I shut my eyes as he slammed the door behind him.
Of course he needed a moment to himself. Though it was hard not to go after him and wrap my arms around him, just as he had done when we were in Lincoln. To keep myself busy, I returned to my room and proceeded to straighten up, clean my closet, and sort through my folders. When there was nothing more to do, I sat in the living room and waited. I didn’t want to give the impression that I couldn’t accept his wish to be alone. So I just kept waiting.
I watched one reality show after another, fiddled with my cell phone, and wondered whether I should call Spencer and ask him to come over. I rejected the idea.
When Kaden emerged from his room, he didn’t even look in my direction. Instead he headed straight for the door. I rose and followed him into the hallway.
“Are you okay? Where are you going?”
He slipped on his boots and ignored me, then stuffed his key into his back pocket.
“Kaden, where are you going?” I repeated in a brittle tone.
He whipped around to face me. “I don’t owe you an explanation, Allie.”
And then he left.
And he stayed away. Time seemed to drag. Every hour felt like several days.
It was unbearable.
I nearly called Spencer or even Monica to ask them where he might be. But I rejected the idea just as quickly—there was no way I wanted to be one of those crazy women who wouldn’t give their boyfriend any space. As agitated as Kaden was, I suspected he needed space more than ever. That was clear.
Did I even have a right to ask where he’d gone? We’d never discussed whether we were a couple. I’d never had a talk like that before and didn’t even know if couples did that sort of thing. With the way Kaden and I had been so intimate the last few days, it had felt pretty clear. For me, there was no one but Kaden. I thought he’d felt the same about me.
It didn’t matter anyway whether there was a label to describe what we were for each other. I was worried about him and was on the verge of tears.
When midnight came, I couldn’t hold out any longer. I wrote him a text message. No answer. So I spent the rest of the night on the couch, falling into an uneasy half-sleep and sitting up at the slightest noise.
But Kaden did not come home.
Chapter 30
By the time I dragged myself to class the next morning, Kaden still hadn’t shown up. He hadn’t answered my message. I was sick with worry. And it hurt that, after all I’d told him about myself, he didn’t have the same trust in me. On the other hand, I understood. I knew how hard it was to open up.
Not wanting to trigger wild speculation, I tried to hide my pain and emptiness, telling my friends I had a cold—a credible excuse given the changing weather of the last few days. What happened between Kaden and me was no one’s business.
Dawn had already gotten involved in our drama, with not-so-pleasant results. I didn’t want her fracturing more fingers on my account.
When the afternoon rolled around, I was so worried that I was afraid to go home, for fear of not finding Kaden there. I put it off, instead wandering across campus and then heading for the library. I even started working on a presentation that was due in a couple of weeks. I didn’t go home until the library shut its doors.
My heart tripped when I saw Kaden’s Jeep in the parking lot. I took two stairs at a time and tumbled through the door.
And then stopped. The blood drained from my face so fast that I felt dizzy and braced myself against the wall.
A suitcase stood in the middle of the hall. Next to it, a few boxes. Moving boxes, filled with stuff that looked familiar. Like my crocheted throw. The picture frame with the photo of Dawn and me the day I’d moved in.
My heard began to race. I broke out in a cold sweat.
I made my way past the boxes into the apartment. My door was open, and I heard a loud rumbling sound. Kaden appeared in the doorway, another box in his hands. He didn’t even look at me as he passed by and set the carton down next to the others in the corridor.
“W-what … what are you doing?” I managed to croak.
Kaden ignored me and went back into my room. When he emerged holding my lamp, I blocked his path.
“Kaden, what on earth are you doing?” I asked, this time much louder.
Now he looked at me. His eyes were cold and unfeeling, his posture off-putting.
“I’m kicking you out,” he said in a monotone. “Without notice.”
For a moment I didn’t comprehend. He pushed past me with the lamp. I grabbed his arm and forced him to face me.
“What the hell!” My voice trembled. It felt like someone was pulling the rug from under my feet. Any second I might fall.
“We never drew up a lease. When I say you’re going, you go. So take your things and leave.” His indifferent tone stabbed me like a thousand tiny knives. This was not my Kaden. It was a robot, ice cold and unfeeling.
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered, encircling his other arm. He shook me off and set the lamp down. As he turned to go back in my room, I stood in his path.
“Allie,” he growled between clenched teeth. That sounded more like Kaden.
“What did your brother say to make you think you have to get rid of me,” I demanded. And though I was teetering on the verge of a breakdown, my voice was somehow now firm. “What did you discuss?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You can tell me everything, Kaden. Just like you promised to do,” I said, my voice softer now. “Please, don’t shut me out.”
He looked at me. His jaw was tight. A vein was pounding on his temple. “No.”
“I thought this kind of thing was behind us. I thought we trusted each other.”
“You thought wrong.”
I grabbed him by the shoulders. “Are you kidding me, Kaden? Yesterday, you tell me how good it feels to make me happy, and today you’re throwing me out of the apartment for no reason?”
“It was a mistake. The whole thing was a huge mistake.” He whispered, as if trying to convince himself.
“What happened between us was no mistake,” I countered. “What happened between us is the best thing that ever happened to me—and you, too, I thought. Why are you letting someone take that from us?”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.
I ran my hands over his shoulders, neck, up to his cheeks. “I’m not Kendra. I will not just disappear, Kaden,” I assured him.
It was the wrong thing to say. Kaden jerked back and grabbed my wrists, tearing my hands away from his face and stepping back.
“What happened with us,” he let the words fall, “was the biggest mistake of my life.”
Something broke in me. I gasped. But Kaden was not finished.
“Stay away from me, Allie. I mean it. I can’t take this shit right now.”
My hands were tingling; I wanted to slap him so badly. But I wouldn’t give in to this desire.
Instead, I felt myself shut down. The pain and the fear became so overwhelming and unbearable that I had two options: I could let it break me. Or I could push everything, every single sensation, into the farthest corner of my heart until there was nothing but a cold center. I could numb myself before the pain did it for me.
“So you want me to leave?” I asked. My voice was calm, no trace of the sadness or anger that was shaking my core.
Kaden nodded once and averted his eyes. “Yes.”
“You want to end our relationship like this? By throwing me out of the apartment?”
“The rules were there from the start, Allie.”
My teeth clenched. “And they were doomed from the start—your wo
rds.”
“I say a lot when I want to have my way.”
“Don’t act as if you only said it so I’d let you in,” I hissed. “There would have been more effective ways to do that.”
Kaden breathed out. “Why are you making it so hard for me?”
“Because, goddammit, I’m not one of those girls you can hook up with and toss to the trash heap. I’m the girl who lay in your arms and confided in you about her own painful past. I’m the one who—”
Kaden put a hand on my mouth. “No.”
I pushed it off. “You can’t just call it quits because you’re afraid to share your past. I know how hard it is, Kaden. Believe me. But I did it anyway.”
“And that’s my problem!” he cried, rubbing both hands on his face.
I froze. “What did you say?”
“Allie, please, I can’t. I tried … it just won’t work.” He swallowed. “I just can’t be together with you. It’s not about you. It’s—”
“Because of Anderson? Because of the thing with my mom?” I whispered.
He shook his head. “There are just some things that … happened. Things that would destroy you if you learned about them. It can’t work. I can never be with someone like you.”
His words shattered me. I backed away.
Something dark flickered in his eyes. “And sooner or later we would have broken up anyway, believe me. It’s better this way.”
I suppressed my tears. My protective walls stood up at once. Then I looked into Kaden’s eyes with as much contempt as I could muster. Cool and calculated, even though I was falling apart inside.
“I’m not the kind of woman who runs after anyone, Kaden. You should know that by now.” I squared my shoulders. “If you want me to go, I’ll go. But don’t think I’ll ever come back.”
It seemed like an eternity passed before he nodded. “I can live with that.”
So I did it. Turned around and left, though my heart hurt so much that I could hardly move.
Chapter 31
Dawn opened the door and looked at me in surprise. She prepared to speak but then saw the pillow in my hand and the suitcase on the floor next to me. She scrunched her eyebrows with concern and stepped aside to let me in. Sawyer didn’t seem to be there, but I didn’t care.
