by Mona Kasten
I nodded before my thoughts focused. After all, I’d missed having him around. It felt right to be so close. Strictly speaking, my body was convinced that it was not close enough, but my head insisted that I should pull myself together. These two sides of me didn’t seem to be in accord, to say the least. So I stayed in my position and clutched the pillow against my lap like a life belt.
“First I want to apologize for my behavior,” he began. “I was wrong to treat you like that, and I regret it. But that day I was sure I’d made the right decision.”
“Why? Tell me,” I whispered.
Kaden took several deep breaths. “About three years ago I spent a weekend with Spencer at the ocean. You’ve got to see this place, by the way. Everything is natural, steep mountains rising above the Pacific, foaming waves, beaches more perfect than in any movie, and—”
“Kaden?” I interrupted him. “We aren’t talking about Oregon’s coast right now.”
He shook himself as if to organize his thoughts. “Now I know why you always blabber.”
I just looked at him and waited. It took an effort for him to confide in me. He opened his mouth several times, only to slide his tongue over his lips and close it again.
“After I came home,” he continued, “I visited Kendra. I hadn’t seen her for a week, and I was so glad to be back home, and wanted to … ” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to show her how much I missed her, if you understand what I mean.”
I nodded. A queasy feeling spread through my stomach.
“She went crazy, Allie. She pushed me away, hyperventilated and cried. I stopped and asked her what was going on.” Now Kaden was speaking fast, his words tumbling out. “I thought she was in one of her phases. We’d been together two years, and I knew her moods. So I thought she was upset that Spencer and I had gone away without her. At least that’s what I thought, until … ” He fell silent and lowered his head.
“What?” I whispered.
He looked at me. “Until she broke up with me then and there. Just like that.”
Nodding, I encouraged him to continue.
“I knew something wasn’t right. And after being together two years, I felt like she owed me an explanation. When she kept on avoiding me and then didn’t even want to see me, I got angry. I put my hands on her shoulders to get her to turn around.” Kaden’s face contorted in pain. “The moment I touched her, she started to scream. Deafening. Without stopping.” He swallowed hard. “Her parents rushed into the room and demanded to know what kind of party we’d been to, and what I’d done with her there. I didn’t know what they were talking about since I hadn’t seen Kendra for days. I started to argue with her parents, and they threw me out of the house.”
Kaden paused again. We both seemed to be holding our breath. My grasp on the pillow loosened, and I almost reached out for Kaden. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“What happened?”
“That same day I went to see her best friend. I wanted to find out what happened to Kendra while I was away. Mia didn’t want to talk to me at first, but I insisted and then she told me that she and Kendra were invited to a party by a couple of college guys. Kendra had disappeared at the party and appeared the next morning at Mia’s door, hysterical and frightened. Her tights were gone, and there were bruises on her arms.”
“Oh no,” I murmured.
“I think we both knew what had happened, but neither of us dared to say it out loud. I drove like a madman to the guy who had thrown the party. But he didn’t even know who I was talking about.” Kaden gave a grim laugh. “Then I begged Kendra’s parents to let me see her again. She still hadn’t told them what had happened, and I think they were pretty desperate. So they let me up to see her. I was able to convince Kendra that she could trust me, that we’d get through this together. The whole time, she stared past me at the wall. But I didn’t let up. I had to hear it from her. Even though I hated myself for it, I asked her straight out if someone had raped her.” Kaden cleared his throat. “And then she said ‘yes.’”
I caught my breath, even though I knew the story.
“I asked her if she’d gone to the hospital, and she said no. Then I begged her to tell me who it was. A stranger? Someone she knew? But she just shook her head and kept pulling away from me, as if it were me she was afraid of. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.” Kaden clenched his fists. “Eventually I asked her parents to come in. It took a while but then she told us who it was.”
“Alex,” I whispered, and Kaden cringed. As if waking up from a trance, he lifted his head and looked at me. He nodded.
“It came out suddenly. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, I might’ve thought she was joking.”
I swallowed hard and noticed how dry my throat had become.
“After she said it once, she repeated Alex’s name again and again. I could only stare at her. It was incomprehensible to me, why she was saying this. I didn’t believe her. I couldn’t believe her, no matter how desperate she was, no matter how much she claimed to be telling the truth. Kendra always liked to get attention, and I figured that played a role here, too.” He shook his head. “To me it sounded like a bad episode in one of those crime series, when the wrong person is accused at first. Alex was my brother. I would have done anything for him. I went to him that day and he told me, of course, that he wasn’t even at that party. I believed him.” Kaden laughed in anger. His eyes revealed how much these memories hurt, and also how angry he was at himself. “Of course I believed him. And when the accusations grew louder, I took Alex’s side. Kendra’s parents hated me, and so did our circle of friends. They all told me they didn’t want to have anything to do with the brother of a rapist. Everyone except Spencer rejected me. It was simple. Like a bad dream that wouldn’t end. Alex could have any girl he wanted. I was convinced that he would never, ever, force himself on someone, least of all his little brother’s girlfriend. Besides, my Dad told me that Alex had been home that whole night.”
His voice cracked. He sounded so desperate and so hurt that I could not help myself: I reached out to stroke his arm.
“What happened then?” I whispered.
Kaden’s eyes became even darker. “Kendra’s parents wanted to file charges against Alex, but my father made them an offer. I don’t need to tell you that money can buy anything.” For a while he just looked at me.
“My father couldn’t risk bad press. His company was hurting at the time, and any bad headlines would have meant bankruptcy. And I believed him. I was so blind to the truth that I’m pretty sure I would have testified for Alex in court if it went that far. But Kendra’s parents accepted the money and signed a confidentiality agreement.”
I felt ill, knowing how Kendra must have felt about all this.
“Alex insisted to me that it wasn’t him. He swore, looked at me in the eyes and acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about. He just lied to my face.”
I got up the guts to ask: “How did you find out the truth?”
Kaden pressed his lips together and took a moment to speak. “I overheard a conversation between Dad and Alex. My father asked if he’d at least used protection, or if he was going to be a grandfather.”
My mouth dropped open.
“I lost it and went after Alex. I couldn’t stop punching him. He kept on saying he was sorry and insisted that she had been into him and even wanted it. Then I went straight to Kendra, but she didn’t want to see me. I tried to apologize, to explain, but it took months before she could look at me, let alone talk to me. She forgave me but made it clear that she’d never be able to see me with the same eyes as before. Alex left her in ruins. He destroyed everything, including our friendship.”
“None of this is your fault, Kaden,” I insisted, sliding a little closer to him.
He looked up. His forehead was furrowed, his expression bitter. “I’m not to blame for his mistakes. B
ut I enabled the hush-up. I let the pig get away, because I trusted my brother and father like a naive idiot.”
“But it wasn’t you who lied. It’s understandable to take your family’s side. Nothing wrong with that.” I paused. “Wait a minute … so why did you throw me out?”
Kaden clenched his teeth.
“Because you thought I was going to blame you for what happened to Kendra?”
“What happened to you, Allie … ” Kaden began with a heavy voice, “that was also covered up. How could I be with you when I knew damned well that I had done the same thing?”
He raised his hand to stop my attempt to contradict him.
“I have seen how bad these memories are for you, even today. No one deserves that. It’s not right. What happened to you is not right. And I … I protected a damned rapist!”
“But that doesn’t make you guilty of his crime!” I cried out. “You didn’t even know that he’d done it.”
“I should have questioned his story even more.”
“Kaden—”
“You worked so hard to be free, Allie. How could I do this to you? Every time you’d look at me, you’d see him.”
I slid from the sofa right into his lap. His arms stiffened. He was like stone.
“None of that is your fault, Kaden,” I said again, reaching my arms around him and holding him close.
“How can you say that?”
I leaned back to look deep into his eyes. It was important that he understand every word.
“Because I know you. I can’t say how you were in the past, and how I would have felt if Kendra were my friend. But I know the man you have become. And there’s nothing bad about him. The man I know would walk through fire for his friends. He would fly thousands of miles, leaving his family on a holiday, to be with his girlfriend when she needs him. Yes, I know you, Kaden. And I’d never hold you responsible for what happened.”
He closed his eyes. And then wrapped me in his arms and pressed me close. His shoulders were shaking, and he buried his face in my shoulder. Caressing his back, I murmured comforting words against his temple. I held him tightly and tried to drive out the demons of the past, the way he had for me.
Somehow we ended up lying on the floor. Kaden’s arms were still around me, his face pressed against my neck. But he’d stopped shuddering, and his breathing had calmed.
“You’re the best.”
I lifted my head a bit. “Hm?”
“That time in the hotel, when we agreed on a compromise, I told you that it was the second-best deal I’d ever made.”
He pulled away from me and sat up. His face was flushed, but he wasn’t as desperate as before. He seemed almost relieved, as if a huge load had been lifted from his shoulders.
“The best thing I ever did was take you into my apartment, Bubbles.” He brushed a strand of hair from my face.
“And yet you threw me out,” I reminded him, while trying not to sound reproachful. After what he’d just confided in me, how could I be angry at him? To see him suffer—it had almost broken my heart again.
“And that was my biggest mistake.”
“I fully agree, Mr. White.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you so much and destroyed our relationship, Bubbles. I…” He looked at me, determined. “I’m going to fix it. So we’re both on firm ground again.”
I returned his gaze, but with a little less confidence.
Things had changed. Now I knew that the reason for Kaden’s behavior lay with his past and not with me. Kaden would obviously need time to work this out. And it wouldn’t be easy for either of us. Who knew better than me what kind of strength that process required?
But this was about Kaden—the guy I’d fallen head over heels in love with. If he couldn’t do it alone, then I would dig deep into my reserves to help him. We would make it.
“We’re not totally destroyed, Kaden. Just give me a little time,” I whispered.
Kaden’s smile was worth everything. Simply everything.
“Okay. And in the meantime I’ll do my best to make you smile again.”
Chapter 35
The first morning in my new apartment was great. At least until I realized there was no coffee maker, which checked my mood somewhat.
Kaden had gone back home last night. It seemed right to both of us. On one hand, I wanted him to stay forever. But his recent behavior still hurt. That and our current living situation had definitely drawn a clear line in our relationship. I knew we’d make it, but we both needed time.
The doorbell rang while I was just putting on my makeup. I ran to the door but couldn’t see anyone through the peephole, so I opened it up a crack—and squealed.
On the doormat was a coffee maker. And not just any machine. It was Kaden’s.
Next to it was a blue box. I opened it and couldn’t suppress a joyful cry when I saw all the little bottles of coffee creamer in the most varied flavors, from mint to vanilla to coconut.
I gathered the coffee maker and box in my arms and practically embraced them. Once in the kitchen, I set up the machine and was soon stirring two different creamers into the freshly brewed coffee in one of my brand-new cups. I took a selfie, closing my eyes in pleasure, and sent it with a smiley face to Kaden.
His answer came in less than a minute:
Which flavor?
I smiled and sipped my coffee while typing the answer with one hand.
Coconut and caramel.
Could you be any more disgusting?
The broad grin on my face would probably be stuck there all day.
The second surprise was waiting at my car. Temperatures had dipped below freezing in the last few days, which meant I’d have to scrape frost off the windshield. But no: Someone had done it for me! I pulled my scarf off my face and stared at the car, confused. It took a moment for me to realize it must have been Kaden. And then I saw a square package, wrapped in a crimson bow, sitting on the trunk.
Sitting inside the car, I untied the lopsided ribbon and tore the paper off. The box was full of CDs. Loads of them. I recognized them all from Kaden’s car. He told me that he would never lend them to anyone! I held each disc up: some were bands that Kaden had introduced to me and that I now loved; and others were bands we’d both already been fans of for ages.
I swallowed hard. Each CD had a song or two that connected Kaden and me. When I got to the end of the stack, I found a piece of paper where these specific songs were listed. But he’d added a few more titles to the end of the list—so I decided to play them as I drove to class.
It turned out not to be such a good idea. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was ready to cry.
The lyrics were so beautiful and moving that I wanted to turn right around and drive to Kaden. Or should I write him? After all, we were … Well, we hadn’t talked about what we were. I should have felt upset and insecure about being in limbo like this, but weirdly enough I’d never felt so calm and confident. Kaden made me feel complete. And the songs he’d added to his list made me believe that he felt the same about me.
Dawn and Scott joined me for lunch, and I told them about Kaden’s visit the night before without divulging the details of his story. I also told them about his intention to make up for how he’d treated me.
“Hm,” Scott mused, when I was done.
“It seems incredibly romantic and somehow not like Kaden,” mused Dawn. She seemed to have problems reconciling the Kaden I was describing with the Kaden she knew.
“He gave me his coffee maker. I found it at my doorstep this morning. And he scraped all the ice off my windshield. And left his CDs on the trunk. Gift wrapped. With a bow,” the words bubbled out of me.
Dawn rested her chin in her hand. “So beautiful,” she sighed. “Just like in a movie.”
“I don’t think you should soften up just yet, Allie,�
�� Scott warned, waving his fork in front of my nose. “If Micah had pulled that kind of shit, he’d have to deliver much more than music and coffee.”
Well, that put a damper on my euphoria. If you put it that way, Kaden’s gestures weren’t really that special any more.
A tickling sensation feathered along my back, just as Dawn said: “Don’t turn around, Allie.”
Two hands lay on my shoulders, and I froze. Leaning back, I looked up—at Kaden’s amused expression.
“I hear you’re blabbering again,” he said with a smile.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have communication sciences now?” I asked, and realized I must sound like a stalker. Or a controlling girlfriend. Or ex-girlfriend. Or however he saw me now.
Kaden rubbed his neck. “I had an appointment with my tattoo artist.”
“Did you get a new one?”
He nodded, still wearing that crooked, secretive grin.
“Where? And what?” I pushed. As usual, when his tattoos came to my mind, my heart started to race.
“You wish you knew, right?” His eyes flashed in amusement.
“Maybe a portrait of Allie’s face on your left butt cheek?” Scott asked, and Dawn and I burst into laughter.
“No. Though it’s not a bad idea.”
“Don’t encourage him,” I warned Scott.
Kaden chuckled and leaned over me again. “I have to go. Just wanted to drop off some desserts.”
He set a small, steaming bowl down in front of me. The fragrance of chocolate wafted up. Kaden had brought me a warm brownie.
My eyebrows raised, I glanced over at Scott, but he wasn’t looking my way. Instead, he was staring in amazement at the bag Kaden was holding out to him. He took it gingerly, opened it, and peered inside. “You got me a doughnut?” he asked, incredulous.
“Yes. And for Dawn,” Kaden said, pushing a second bag across the table, “a blueberry muffin.”
“I don’t like—”
“I know. It’s chocolate. So, gotta go,” he interrupted her. Then he leaned toward me, and I froze. For a second I thought he’d try to kiss me. But instead he put his lips to my ear. “I’ll never catch enough of your rays, Allie. You’re beautiful.”
