by Kat Mizera
“Sure.”
“Did I, um, was I pushy before? On the blanket?”
He leaned in and kissed her, slowly, his mouth caressing hers so tenderly she shuddered at his touch. When he finally pulled away, she was breathless, unsure what to do next or what it meant when he kissed her like that.
“No,” he said softly. “You were real and honest… sweet and seductive—it was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen and we were both fully dressed.”
“There you go with the romantic words again,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder.
“I can’t help it with you.” He was leaning in to kiss her again when they heard the key in the door.
“Geez,” she muttered, sitting back and hitting the Play button on the remote.
Lexi got up early to shower, do her makeup and get dressed. She’d washed her wig after Zaan left last night so it was fresh and pretty today, even though he’d said he liked her natural hair. She still hated it, so she would be wearing the wig until it was at least bob-length. She might try going without at that point, but for now, she wasn’t comfortable that way, and the therapist she’d seen for a while had told her to do what felt right.
“You’re up early,” her father said, glancing up from his coffee and the crossword puzzle he was working on.
“Zaan and I are going to breakfast and then a movie,” she said, taking her vitamins and drinking a glass of water.
“You, uh, you like him then?”
Lexi smiled. “He’s really sweet, Dad, so yeah.”
“I’m glad you guys are getting along.”
“Yeah, just in time for me to leave and go to Chicago,” Lexi murmured.
“Mack and I thought you’d be bored here all summer, since you don’t really have any friends, but in Chicago at least you’ve got Amy and Vinnie.” Amy and Vinnie were Mack’s son and daughter from her first marriage. Lexi was close to Amy, but she was several years older and had a job now, so they didn’t see each other much even when Lexi was in Chicago.
“If I don’t get in to Julliard, I’m probably going to stay here for a semester and then try to transfer to UCLA or USC,” she said thoughtfully. “There’s no reason for me to be on the east coast if I’m not at Julliard.”
“That’s a good plan.” Rob got up and busied himself at the counter to make breakfast.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Please don’t be mad. Give me a chance to decide what’s right for me.”
“You’re my baby,” he said, not looking at her. “It’s hard for me to think about you doing… stuff with…men.”
She leaned against his side, letting her chin rest on his shoulder. “Remember when we found out I was sick? Remember telling me you’d let me have sex if it meant the cancer would go away?”
He nodded briefly.
“The cancer is gone, at least for now, and I’m trying to start living again. Zaan and I haven’t done anything, but he makes me feel normal. Please don’t hate me—or him—for finally feeling normal and healthy.”
“I could never hate you,” he said in a voice gruff with emotion. “And as long as he’s kind and respectful, I’ll never hate him either.”
“He’s been a perfect gentleman.”
“Okay, good.” He glanced at her. “Have fun, but be smart and be safe. That’s all I care about.”
“Both of us have too much to lose to do anything stupid,” she whispered.
“I love you and I trust you.” Rob reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “And honestly, if you were determined to date one of my teammates, I can’t think of anyone better than Zaan. He’s a good kid.”
“I love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, kiddo.”
The doorbell rang and Lexi pressed a quick kiss to her father’s cheek before grabbing her purse and running out the door.
They had the movie theater to themselves. They sat in the back row and watched the preview sequences in silence, her hand wrapped in his, resting on his lap. She leaned into him, letting her shoulder rest against the hard muscles of his arm, her head finally landing on his shoulder. He lifted his arm and put it around her shoulders, pulling her closer, and she closed her eyes, breathing in everything that was Zaan. His touch brought every nerve in her body alive, a veritable shock of electricity that jolted through her. It was unlike anything she’d experienced before and a little unnerving but she loved it.
She’d gone on dates before, but nothing like this, where she became completely immersed in someone else. They didn’t need to talk or even kiss to connect; it simply happened with no effort. They laughed at the same jokes, liked the same music and movies, and their attraction was palpable. It sizzled between them like drops of oil on a scalding frying pan, making her want to throw caution to the wind. She wondered if it would be like this with every guy she liked, but something deep down told her it wouldn’t, that Zaan was special.
Getting hurt was probably a given, but after what she’d been through since her cancer diagnosis, it seemed a small price to pay to feel this happy. She’d been to hell and back and still wasn’t out the woods. She had to be tested regularly and wouldn’t truly be able to breathe until she’d passed the five-year mark. Statistically, she had approximately a 90-percent survival rate once she hit five years, but that was four long years away. She hadn’t been able to talk about what her chances were if the cancer recurred before then, and refused to look it up. But she wasn’t going to waste a single minute with Zaan. Whether they had a week or a few months, she wanted as much as he was willing to give her.
“You’re not watching the movie,” he whispered against her cheek.
“I am.” Kind of.
“Your eyes were closed.”
She looked at him. “I was thinking how nice this is.”
“Being at the movies, being together or being alone at the theater?”
She giggled. “All of the above, as well as being able to touch you.” She was grateful for the dark because her face felt really hot with embarrassment.
“I paid a lot of money for these tickets,” he joked. “We should watch it.”
“Are you afraid of my dad?” She nudged him.
“Absolutely!” He laughed.
“I’m an adult,” she reminded him.
His arm tightened around her. “Your dad can still kick my ass, even if he can’t get me arrested.”
“My dad’s overprotective because I’m his little girl and because he thought he might lose me, but he’s not like that. He wants me to be happy. And you make me happy.”
“You’re leaving in a week.” He looked down at her, something she couldn’t read in his blue eyes. “You’ve already been through so much… getting involved with someone just before you leave might—”
“I’m ready to live again,” she said, placing the tip of her forefinger over his lips. “I have four long years of yearly scans before I can start to believe I have a future, that I might make it, and I don’t want to waste another minute. Meeting you yesterday changed the way I think about everything. Maybe I’m being silly because I don’t have a lot of experience with guys, but something feels so… right when we’re together. I can’t explain it.”
He was quiet for a while, and her heart started beating harder and faster as she contemplated whether or not he was trying to come up with a way to let her down easy.
“Zaan, if you don’t—”
“No, stop. Let me think.” He looked a little flustered, so she waited, her eyes never leaving his face.
When he met her gaze, the look in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. “I feel it too,” he whispered. “It’s intense, the way I want you, but no matter how many ways I tell myself we shouldn’t, I look at you and feel something I’ve never felt before.”
“You don’t have to keep saying all those… romantic things,” she whispered. “I want to be with you, even if I never see you again afterward.”
“I don’t say tho
se things so I can get in your pants,” he murmured as his mouth moved towards hers. “I say them because I can’t help myself when I’m with you.”
Their tongues came together hungrily, greedily taking what they each wanted from the other, but giving back so much it was hard to tell who was giving and who was taking. Maybe it didn’t matter. All that mattered was how it felt when they touched and how perfect it was. She didn’t have a lot to compare it to but the uniqueness of these feelings told her there was something special between them.
“We can’t do this here,” he rasped, reluctantly pulling away.
“I live with my dad and you live with Cody,” she sighed. “We have nowhere to go.”
He rested his forehead against hers. “Hotel?”
She nodded slowly. “We have to go to the far outskirts of town because we can’t take a chance anyone recognizes you and takes a picture of us at a hotel.”
He got to his feet and held out his hand.
She took it with no hesitation.
5
Lexi was the coolest dichotomy of innocent and sinfully sexy Zaan had ever met. She might not have a lot of experience but he had no doubt she was ready to change that. He left her in the SUV while he ran into a drug store to buy condoms, regretting they had to do this at a hotel instead of his bed, his apartment, a place they could relax and not have to worry about anyone seeing them. He knew he could call one of his teammates—Vlad and Tore would let him use their apartment—but it wasn’t a much better option since Tore couldn’t keep a secret and Vlad would be uncomfortable keeping that kind of secret from Rob.
He got back in his SUV and drove to a little hotel on the northern edge of the county. He hated sneaking around but reminded himself they were adults and weren’t doing anything wrong. It didn’t seem too much to ask to want privacy and there wasn’t anything he wanted more than to be alone with her. He honestly didn’t even care if they had sex—he wanted to touch her, kiss her, listen to her voice… sex would be a fantastic bonus but not mandatory.
Her fingers sliding between his startled him back to the present and he squeezed them, wondering if she was as nervous as he was or merely excited. They hadn’t said a word since leaving the movie theater, but she’d turned up the radio and they were now singing along to Deep Purple’s “Hush,” their voices blending together in the small space.
“Your voice is beautiful,” he said when the song ended, turning to glance at her.
“Thanks. I’ve been singing since I was little.”
“Is that what you’re going to Julliard for?”
“Vocals and drama—that way I have options. TV, movies, Broadway—the sky’s the limit.”
“That’s exciting.”
“Just keep your fingers crossed Julliard lets me in this year.”
“If they don’t?”
“I’ll probably go to UNLV for a year and then re-apply, but I want to go now—I’ve already lost enough time.”
“I understand that.”
They were pulling into the parking lot of the hotel and he parked along the side of the building. “You stay here and I’ll get a room. I’ll text you the room number and you come up on your own, okay? That way even if someone recognizes me, they won’t see us together.”
“I hope you don’t think I’m ashamed to be seen at a hotel with you,” she said softly. “I just don’t want to make trouble between you and my dad or embarrass either of us.”
He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I know, babe. I’ll text you in a few minutes.”
Lexi wondered why she wasn’t nervous, but the reality was she didn’t care what anyone thought. She didn’t want her dad to be upset with Zaan, but other than that, she had no reservations about what they were about to do. Before the cancer, she’d figured she’d lose her virginity sometime during high school, not before she turned sixteen, but probably before she was eighteen. She’d been sixteen when she’d done it but hadn’t thought about it again until recently. She’d hoped she would meet someone when she got to college that would make her want to try again, so being so attracted to Zaan had been a special kind of surprise.
She started when her phone buzzed and looked down at the text with a smile.
Room 310.
She got out of the SUV, locked it and headed inside, looking for the elevators as she bypassed the front desk. She wished she was wearing something other than shorts and a T-shirt, but she hadn’t gotten dressed up to go to the movies and though she’d been hoping this would happen, there’d been no way to know to prepare since she didn’t own any lingerie or anything.
Zaan was waiting in the doorway, a smile on his face and she moved right into his arms, backing him into the room. His lips instantly sought hers, their tongues mingling with both curiosity and familiarity as the door slid shut behind her. They’d kissed a lot in the last twenty-four hours and she couldn’t get enough. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let herself get lost in him. Being this close was almost too intimate, too hot for reality, and she ached with need. She didn’t truly understand what that meant, what it would take to satisfy that ache, but she wanted to find out.
She kicked off her sandals as they moved towards the bed, but instead of getting on it, he turned so her back was to his front, and they were facing the mirror on one wall. Their gazes locked in the reflection and he slowly slid his hand around to her front. He moved up her stomach, resting on her chest, where her breasts should have been. He bent his head, kissing the side of her neck and gently tugging off her wig.
“I know you hate your chest and your hair,” he whispered against her ear. “But you need to know I don’t. I think you’re beautiful. Breasts are nice to look at, but I wasn’t planning to make love to your breasts—I’m going to make love to you.”
“How can you think I’m beautiful?” she asked sadly. “I’m so… skinny and disfigured.”
“You’re slender and healing from surgery,” he responded. “I love your long legs and can’t wait to have them wrapped around me. Your lips are sweeter than sugar, and I plan to kiss them raw. Your face is stunning. You’re just… perfect, Lex, and I want you to see what I see.” He gently lifted her T-shirt. She wore a bra underneath, and he pulled it free with one hand, leaving her bare, scarred chest on display. Tears stung her eyelids but he had one arm firmly around her waist and the other running along the tattered skin.
“Zaan…”
“Shh.” He splayed his fingers across her skin and then down to her flat stomach. “All I see is this beautiful girl who gets me, who doesn’t care if I play hockey or teach physics… You’re so sexy, and by the time we’re done, you may not think the word, but you’ll feel it in your soul.”
“Do you write poetry?” she whispered, leaning back against his solid chest. “You should… the things you say are so wonderful.”
“I’ll write poetry for you,” he bent his head over her shoulder, trailing his tongue along her collarbone.
She dug her fingers into his blond hair, tugging his mouth over to hers and they kissed greedily. She rubbed herself against him, his erection throbbing against her backside, and they both moaned softly. Without hesitation, she reached back and slid her hand into his shorts, fumbling with the band of his boxers until she felt the warm heat of his erection. She closed her fingers around it and he shuddered against them.
“Bed,” he murmured, pulling her that way as he yanked off his T-shirt and tossed it aside.
“So long and thick,” she sighed, gripping him tightly as they stood next to the bed.
“I’m glad you like it.” He flicked open the button at the top of her shorts and slid them down so she could step out of them. She didn’t hesitate to slide his down the moment he was done with hers, and now the only thing separating them were her tiny panties and the thin fabric of his boxers.
“I never thought I could call a guy beautiful,” she murmured, taking in his broad chest and lean hips, “but I think you are.”
He smiled. “Th
at’s fair, since I think you’re fucking gorgeous.” He kissed her again, their mouths working together, naked torsos pressing close. They ground their hips together, instinctively seeking out the other’s heat and arousal, until they fell onto the bed without breaking their kiss. Hands and lips moved in an almost synchronized perfection, and it wasn’t until he peeled off her panties that she felt the first twinge of panic.
“I’ve never…” He hesitated, licking his lips. “I’ve never gone down on a girl before. Have you…?” His unfinished question left her shaking her head.
“I’ve never gone down on a guy and no one’s ever gone down on me.”
“You wanna try?” he asked, the fire in his eyes unmistakable.
“Oh, yes.” She was breathless with the craziest combination of desire, trepidation and arousal, the spot between her legs throbbing painfully.
He took off his boxers, watching as she crawled onto the bed and lay on her back. He kissed his way along her leg, his tongue leaving a wet line in its wake, from her ankle up to her thigh. She was gloriously sexy, with a tiny patch of light brown curls at the juncture where her thighs came together. He used his fingers to pry her folds apart, grateful to see evidence of her arousal pooling at her soft, pink entrance. He pressed a light kiss on her clit, wondering why he’d never done this before. It was hard to believe, but no other woman had driven him wild like this, made him want to try everything. But Lexi did, and he’d go as far as she wanted him to.
Without hesitation, he ran his tongue up her slit, closing his eyes so he could savor the musty taste of a woman’s sex; he fucking loved it. He’d watched enough porn and imagined doing this so many times in his head, it was natural to explore her most intimate place with his mouth. She seemed to love it too, her hips rising up to greet him greedily, anxious for more.
She reared up when he filled her with his tongue, a sound he’d never heard before escaping her. “Oh, God, please please please!” Her voice was gravelly, thick with lust and passion, her thighs quivering on either side of his head.
