by Kat Mizera
“Don’t worry,” Toli said, glancing back into the room when he heard the baby’s soft cry. “I have to go—baby’s crying.”
“Love you, big brother.”
“Love you too.” Toli disconnected and hurried to where his son whimpered. He gently lifted him up and brought him up to his shoulder, crooning softly in Russian against his ear.
“You’ve been holding him all day,” Tessa whispered from the bed. “You’re going to spoil him.”
Toli glanced up in surprise. “You’re awake,” he said as he closed the distance to the bed.
“I’ve been awake,” she said hoarsely. “I was just too tired to open my eyes.”
“You heard me singing to our son?” he smiled faintly.
“Is that what that noise was?” She tried to smile but her eyes fluttered closed again.
“Sweetheart, can you stay awake for a few minutes?” he sat on the edge of the bed with the baby on his shoulder. “Raina is desperate to hear your voice.”
“Oh.” Her eyes opened again. “Yes. If you call, I’ll talk to her.”
“Your voice is rough,” he said. “Let me get you some water.” He put the baby down even though he started to fuss, and poured some water into the cup the nurse had left for her. He held her head while she took a few sips and then she lay back, exhausted.
“What time is it?” she asked.
“A little after eight,” he said. “If we don’t call now she’ll be going to sleep.”
“Okay.” Tessa waited as he dialed the number, spoke to Tiff and Raina, and then handed her the phone. “Hi, Sweetie.” She spoke quietly, masking how hoarse she was. “I’m okay, just tired… Yes, your new brother is perfect. Daddy will come get you tomorrow so you can meet him... I love you too. Good night, honey.”
As she handed him back the phone, their eyes locked and he sighed. “I don’t want you to worry—I’ll make sure everything is okay at home. I know I haven’t been pulling my weight lately, but I’m going to make it up to you.”
“I told you I didn’t feel good,” she finally whispered.
“I’m so sorry, my love.” He took both her hands in his and held them tightly. “You’ve always been my rock, taking care of me, the house, the kids, everything. All I’ve ever had to do is work and love you. I should have realized something more was going on. It will never happen again, I promise.”
“They did a hysterectomy,” she said sadly.
“You didn’t want more kids, did you?” he asked, startled.
“No, but I didn’t want major surgery. It’s going to take weeks, maybe a few months, for me to be back on my feet.”
“It’s going to be fine,” he whispered, kissing her softly. “I’m going to hire a full-time nanny and we’ll have someone come to get up with the baby at night for the first few months. By then hockey season will be over and I’ll be able to take care of Raina and Alex, the nanny will deal with Andreas and you’ll feel well enough to take care of this little guy during the day. We can keep someone overnight as long as he’s not sleeping through the night. I don’t want to hear a word about it.”
“We still haven’t named him,” she realized.
“You hate Artyum and I think having a kid named Adam after three very ethnic names will be strange.”
“It’s either Armand or Adam.”
He sighed, though he really didn’t care what they named him at this point. “Sweetheart, if you really want Adam, it can be Adam. Or Aaron. Or Ashton. Or any other American name that makes you happy.”
“What about Anatoli?” she asked suddenly, her eyes meeting his.
“Why would we give him my name?” he asked in surprise. “My father is Anatoly with a Y, I’m Anatoli with an I, and we already have an Anton, which is similar. We need another?”
“He can be Anatoli, Jr.” She smiled. “With an I. He’s your son, after all.”
“What would we call him? Won’t it be confusing? Anton, Alex, Andy...”
“AJ?” she smiled as she squeezed his hand. “I was thinking about it and I really want to name him after you. I think it’s fitting since he’s our last one.”
He nuzzled her cheek, grateful that she was okay and talking to him. “Anything you want,” he said softly.
“New shoes,” she whispered back.
He laughed. Tessa’s one indulgence was shoes; she had at least two hundred pairs and loved every one of them. “As many as you want.”
Her eyes were starting to close but she was smiling. “You know how dangerous that statement is?”
“I do.” He rested his face against hers. “But if it makes you happy, I’m happy.”
6
Tessa didn’t remember ever being so tired or so miserable. Everything hurt, she had no energy and the mental strain of not feeling well was making her an emotional mess. Five days after AJ’s birth and her hysterectomy, she was finally home but aside from being happy to see her kids, she was having a hard time. This was different than her other three births and she wasn’t used to sleeping all the time. Toli was still home, handling everything, but he was just as unhappy as she was. The only difference was that he wasn’t in any pain. He wanted to be back playing hockey and guilt was the main thing keeping him here. As much as she wanted to tell him to go, she couldn’t even take care of herself right now, much less the kids.
“Are you all right, sweetheart?” Toli peeked into the bedroom where Tessa had been staring at the ceiling.
She smiled faintly. “As all right as I can be, I guess.”
“What’s wrong, love?” He padded into the room, a slight frown on his face.
“I hurt, I’m exhausted, and can’t do anything. As tired as my body is, my mind is bored to fucking death.”
He slid into bed next to her and gently wrapped his arms around her. “How can I entertain you?” he chuckled.
“It’s not your job to entertain me, goofball.” She shook her head but was smiling.
“You want to hold the baby for a little while? He’s pretty cute?”
She grinned. “Yeah, he is. In a little while maybe. I kind of like it being just us for a few minutes.”
“Both bigger boys are awake and playing in their rooms. Our time is limited.”
“Of course it is.” She sighed.
“Tessa?” He looked into her face worriedly. “Do you regret having kids?”
“I regret having them so close together,” she admitted. “But no, I don’t regret anything since I’ve met you.” She buried her face in his chest. “I miss you, Toli. You’re gone all the time and when you’re home it’s all about the kids. Sometimes it feels like we’re just roommates—I take care of the house and kids, you come home and take care of anything I didn’t do, spend time with the kids and then you’re gone again. It’s lonely now that there’s so many of them.”
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry.” He stroked her hair. “I guess it’s different for me because I have hockey. Do you want to go back to work?”
Her eyes widened. “With four kids? Hell no!” She shook her head. “I just need a little more balance—more time alone with you and a little more time away.”
“When you’re feeling better, we’ll go away,” he promised softly.
“Mommy!” Alex came running in, vaulting onto the bed. Toli snaked out an arm to catch him before he landed on Tessa.
“Son, remember Mommy’s boo-boo?” he asked gently. “You can’t jump on the bed right now.”
“Sorry.” Alex glanced at his mother. “I miss you, Mommy.”
“I’ve missed you too, baby.” She held out her arms and he climbed into them, resting against her chest.
“I’ll take care of Andy and be back,” Toli said softly. He kissed his wife and met her gaze meaningfully; sex wasn’t in the cards yet but they could spend some quality time together. She’d mentioned needing time with him more than once so he would make sure it happened.
Casey Hart was one of the biggest rock stars in the world, but when she showed up a
t Toli and Tessa’s, she seemed like anyone else. Her blond hair was pulled back in a ponytail, she wore jeans and Converse sneakers on her feet, and nothing but mascara for makeup. Toli hadn’t known what to think when one of his teammate’s had said he had an idea for a nanny, but Casey Hart at his door hadn’t been it.
“My daughter, Sasha,” she said once they’d introduced themselves and settled into the family room. “She had a rough semester at USC and it was partially my husband’s and my fault. She did something dumb but we made it worse and right now she doesn’t want to go back. I don’t blame her, but she can’t lay around all day and do nothing, so when Tina mentioned this, I thought it might be perfect.” Tina Papadakis was engaged to one of the Sidewinders and was good friends with Casey.
“What does she say about this?” Toli asked. “Taking care of three young children and a newborn is a lot of work.”
“I haven’t mentioned it to her because I wanted to talk to you first. She got a job at the mall after the holidays and after her first shift she was followed home by someone who recognized her as my daughter, which freaked her out, and me too, to be honest. So something like this, where my fame won’t impact her, is a much better solution. If you’re willing to give her a chance.”
“Tell us what happened,” Toli suggested gently.
“Sasha fell in love.” Casey had a wry smile on her face. “You know how it is. Young love, true love, everything that’s supposed to happen when you’re nineteen. Except he’s an aspiring musician, so you can guess how that went.”
“Oh no.” Tessa wrinkled her nose.
“She brought him home at Thanksgiving to meet the family.” Casey paused, chewing the inside of her cheek. “I’m sorry, I’m still so angry… anyway, he essentially asked my husband to listen to a tape of some of his band’s songs. Jay was annoyed but he did it, and of course, it was pretty terrible. So he gave him some constructive criticism, and the kid asked if he could work on it—for free, mind you—at our recording studio. Jay beat around the bush at first, reminding him he had to go to school and how booked the studio is. Well, the little shit got belligerent and told Jay he had a sex tape of him and Sasha and if we didn’t help his career he’d put it online.”
Toli let out a grunt. “I already want to kill him.”
“Yeah, well, you can imagine how Jay felt. He told the kid to kiss his ass and he was messing with the wrong family. We sent him packing and, sure enough, when Sasha got back to school after the break he’d released the video.”
“Oh, no,” Tessa breathed. “Poor thing. How did she take it?”
Casey smiled. “She’s a tough kid, I’ll give her that. Held her head high, said she hadn’t done anything wrong, and aced all her finals. Then she got home and fell apart, completely humiliated and heartbroken.”
“Were there any repercussions for that shithead of a boy?”
“Oh yes. We had our attorneys file a cease and desist and drummed up every bullshit charge we could imagine, even though ninety-nine percent of it wouldn’t stick. Worked, though. Scared his parents half to death thinking they’d go bankrupt in legal fees, so he pulled it down and had to make a live apology video talking about how much he loved Sasha and when she broke up with him it hurt him so much he lashed out and now regrets it, blah blah blah. We got our revenge but half the school probably saw the video and Sasha isn’t ready to face them.”
“If she’s good with the kids, we’d love to have her,” Tessa said immediately. “I feel terrible for her, and frankly, we need the help.”
“I agree,” Toli nodded. “When can she start?”
7
Sasha was petite and pretty, with dark, wavy hair that bounced on her shoulders, hazel eyes that twinkled when she smiled and a smattering of freckles on her pert little nose. Toli liked her right away, impressed with her sharp wit and the way she carried herself. She was undoubtedly overqualified for the job as nanny, but her current circumstances made this a win-win situation for both of them.
“I know my mom got me this job,” Sasha said quietly. “And I wish I could get a job some other way, but I promise I won’t let you down.” She paused as Raina came bounding into the room, stopping to look at her. “Hi, there. You must be Raina.”
“Are you the new nanny?” Raina asked, her blue eyes darkening suspiciously.
“I am.” Sasha smiled.
“Are you going to be nice? Cause if you’re not, my mom will fire you.” Raina was six going on sixteen sometimes.
“I try to be nice,” Sasha said. “I have bad days sometimes, just like you do, but I’m never going to mean.”
“Do you know how to braid hair?”
Sasha chuckled. “I played softball for years—my hair was always in a braid!”
“Cool.”
“So I hope you’ll give me a chance to show you I can take good care of you.”
“Mommy’s always worried about us,” Raina admitted. “That’s why she doesn’t like nannies—she thinks they don’t take care of us.”
Toli opened his mouth to protest but Sasha gave him a look that stopped him.
“I think,” she said, leaning down so she could look into Raina’s eyes. “Your Mommy probably loves you more than anybody in the whole world and since no one else could ever love you that much, except your daddy, she’s a little bit afraid. But I promise I’ll take really good care of you if you give me a chance.”
Raina nodded solemnly. “I think we can make this work.”
Sasha and Toli exchanged amused glances.
Tessa had planned to keep a sharp eye on Sasha, but she really didn’t have to. Sasha was funny, energetic and punctual. She was up early every morning and often got up in the middle of the night to check on the night nurse and AJ. She took Raina to school and Alex to pre-school, played softball with Raina in the back yard, and made sure the boys were always comfortable and happy. She never complained, always had a smile on her face, and even got Tessa moving during the day so that she wasn’t as bored.
With Toli traveling with the team again, Tessa had been nervous about taking care of the family, but Sasha handled almost everything. Tessa spent a lot of time with the new baby during the day, but then in the evening Sasha would take him so Tessa could color with Alex, do homework with Raina, and then cuddle with Andy when she put him to bed for the night. It was better than anything she’d been expecting, and she was grateful Sasha had come to them.
On a Tuesday afternoon in early May, six weeks after AJ was born, Tessa padded downstairs in yoga pants and a T-shirt. Sasha glanced up from where she was feeding the baby and smiled.
“Yoga today?” she asked.
“Yup. It’s the gentle class, mostly old people, but I figure it’ll be perfect for where I am right now.”
“Awesome.”
“Want to come?”
Sasha raised her eyebrows. “Do they have childcare?”
“Yup. We’ll have just enough time when it’s over to go pick up Alex from pre-school. I thought maybe we could go to lunch? Even though we’ll have the boys with us, it shouldn’t be too hard to handle them with two of us.”
“Oh, we don’t have to do that.” Sasha smiled. “I’m fine just bringing the boys home and you can—”
“Don’t be silly.” Tessa smiled back. “You’ve worked really hard the last five weeks, and other than some workout time, you haven’t had any time off. I’d like to take you to lunch and get out of the house. Both of us.”
Sasha nodded. “Okay, sounds like fun. Let me pack the diaper bag.”
“Great.”
Tessa watched her efficiently get everything packed up, including the strollers and Tessa’s yoga bag, and felt a moment of despair. She was still so slow and stiff, she felt ancient. She was healing well and would be back to normal soon, but it felt like it had been forever. And she desperately missed having time with Toli. Although he’d promised they would have time alone, it hadn’t really happened. Mostly, she was just too tired, but it was also his
travel, the team’s practice schedule, and keeping up with the kids. Sasha was capable of doing almost everything, but she and Toli felt strongly about being involved. It just seemed like there was something going on every day, and with her limited energy, they hadn’t been able to make time for each other. It was kind of depressing.
After also being diagnosed with postpartum depression, she’d begun taking anti-depressants and felt better now, but she hated having to take something. Toli had been firm that she not suffer, and she had to admit it made a difference. It just made her feel weak, like she couldn’t handle herself anymore. The doctor had assured her it was most likely temporary, so she hung on to that, desperate for a touch of normalcy to return to her life.
Tessa hadn’t planned to ask Sasha to go to yoga with her, but Sasha hadn’t had a day off since she’d arrived. Although she obviously didn’t work all day every day, she worked a lot; the kids loved her and went to her for almost everything. Even when Toli was home, Raina defaulted to Sasha now simply because she understood that the boys were too little to do much of anything for themselves.
Watching the younger woman load the boys into the car, Tessa almost sighed with frustration. She wanted to be able to take care of her kids again, and she was getting there, but it still hurt to lift Alex and Andy. She was fine with AJ, but it wasn’t possible with the older kids yet.
As if reading her mind, Sasha grinned at her. “Don’t worry—you’ll be lugging them around before you know it. And now that the playoffs have started, the season might be over at any time. Just don’t tell Toli I said that!”
Tessa laughed. “No worries—I won’t say a word. By the way, do you want to go to the game tomorrow night? I was thinking about getting one of the night nannies to come early so we can go. It’s game five, and they’re up three to one, so this might be the end of the first round, which will be an exciting game.”
“Sure. I love hockey. Thank you.”
8
