by A. K. Evans
I was so distracted by it that I hadn’t been paying much attention to the conversation at the table. That is, until Leni said, “Oh, um, my ride is here.” She stood from her chair and moved to my parents, who also stood.
“Your ride?” I repeated.
Leni turned to look at me. “Yeah, I just figured I’d get a ride home since I’m not feeling well. I don’t want you to have to leave the party because of me.”
Leni was covering for me. She told them she wasn’t feeling well, so she wouldn’t have to break their hearts, too.
Leaning into my mom, Leni gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It was so nice to meet you. I hope I’ll see you in one of my classes soon.”
“You bet I’ll be there. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well.”
I watched as she moved to my father, gave him a hug, and said, “You’re a very lucky man, Mr. Locke. You have such a beautiful family. Thank you for allowing me to be here to celebrate with all of you tonight.”
“Anytime, dear. We loved having you. And honestly, you should make my son take you home so he can see to it that you make it there alright.”
Before Leni had the chance to respond, I declared, “I will be.”
Leni turned her head in my direction, and all I saw was anguish.
“Great,” my dad said. “It makes me feel better that she’s not riding home with a stranger. You take care, Leni. Hope you feel better and that we get to see you soon.”
Leni gave him a nod, looked to Reece and Sophie, said goodbye, and walked toward me. When she did, she barely looked at me. The minute she made it to my side, I put my hand to the small of her back, felt her body tense, and guided her outside.
Once there, we saw the Uber driver was, in fact, there and ready to pick her up.
“You really don’t have to leave, Holden,” she started. “I can take—”
“No,” I cut her off. “I don’t care what happened in there. I brought you here; I’ll see you home safely.”
Leni pressed her lips together and didn’t argue the point beyond that.
I opened the door for the Uber and let the driver know that we wouldn’t be needing the service before Leni and I walked to my truck.
The drive back to Leni’s place was silent. I knew what I had to say to her, but I felt she at least deserved to have me say it to her face and not the road.
But the minute I pulled my truck into her driveway, I saw she already had her fingers curled around the door handle. My reflexes were faster, so the second I parked and she started to open the door, I reached for her wrist.
Leni stopped moving and looked at me.
“Holden?”
“Wait,” I urged her.
She hesitated a moment before letting go of the door. Before I could say anything, she spoke. And when she did, she was talking a hundred miles a minute. “I’m so sorry about tonight, Holden. I shouldn’t have just blurted that out like that. I was caught up in the moment, and the words just flew from my mouth. I hope you know I’m not upset with you about how it all went down.”
“Leni, sweetheart, you don’t have to apologize,” I assured her.
She held my eyes and waited for me to continue.
Taking in a deep breath, I saw her wince. She’d already explained once before that she knew deep breathing usually meant something uncomfortable was coming. She wasn’t wrong. “I should be the one apologizing to you,” I started. “I’m sorry, but I’m just—”
“Not there yet,” she cut me off.
I blinked in surprise.
Leni went on, “I understand. Trust me, nobody gets it better than I do. I mean, I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting a little when I said what I did to you at the party, but once I had some time to think about it, I understood. Most people don’t move at the speed that I do when it comes to most things. I’ve always been the girl who goes after what she wants, and there’s rarely anything holding me back. So, it’s not surprising that when things changed between us in the beginning, I took that leap. I felt safe doing it. Because it’s like my grandma said to me the other day. I’ve always just followed my heart. I did it when I decided to take charge of my own life, leave my parents’ company, and do what made me happy. And while initially it might have seemed like things didn’t go the right way, they eventually all worked out for the better.”
I stared at her. This was getting worse and worse with each word she spoke. Unable to pull myself together fast enough, Leni continued, “I might move quick, but I’m a patient woman, Holden. Part of me already knew I’d get here before you. I’m okay with that. I like what we have, and I’d hate to see it end because you’re worried that you aren’t in the same place as me.”
After a brief pause, Leni made it impossible for me to do what I needed to do.
“I trust my heart, Holden. And because of that, it seems like I’m always sprinting to the finish line. I can wait for you to meet me there.”
How, after all of that, could I do it? How could I tell her that she shouldn’t trust her heart when it came to me? Her convictions were strong, and I didn’t have it in me to hurt her any more than I already had tonight.
So, I warned her instead. “It could be a really long road with me, Leni.”
“That’s okay,” she assured me. “This is good between us. Honestly, this was one of the best nights of my life. I had so much fun dancing with you. I always have such a good time with you. So, to be honest, I don’t mind slowing down and taking the scenic route if nights like tonight are what I’ll get along the way.”
She was killing me.
Or, I thought she was.
But then she brought her hand up to my face, pressed her palm to my cheek, and slaughtered me when she asked, “Please. Will you stay with me tonight?”
I hesitated at first but ultimately nodded.
After all of that, I couldn’t say no to her.
“I can see things didn’t go well last weekend.”
Oddly enough, that wasn’t exactly true.
I looked at my brother as we stood out on his deck, and I hoped he’d be able to help me. I needed sound advice.
“That’s the thing,” I started. “I took Leni home, and we talked. I even spent the night with her. So, technically speaking, things did go well last weekend.”
His brows shot up. “Well, it’s clear they aren’t going well now. What happened?”
Turning my head to the left, I stared off into the distance. I felt like such an ass. Leni deserved so much better than what I was giving her.
When I directed my attention back to my brother, I admitted, “I told Leni I didn’t think I’d be able to get to the same place as her. She’s all in, Reece. And she’s such a good fucking woman that she’s understanding of the fact that I’m not there with her. She’s willing to wait for me.”
“So, take your time and try,” Reece suggested.
“I think it’s wrong to do that,” I argued.
“It’s wrong to try?” he asked incredulously.
Shaking my head, I explained, “Of course not. But in this case, I think it is. I’m not sure I can get there, and if that’s the truth, she’s wasting her time.”
“You don’t think you’re worth it?”
I sighed. How could he not understand this?
“It’s not about that,” I told him.
“It absolutely is,” Reece insisted.
When I didn’t respond, he continued, “You’ve explained to her your reasons for holding back and not wanting to go there with her. If she understands that risk and is still willing to take the chance on you, that’s her choice to make. If you don’t give her and yourself that opportunity, you’re just being foolish.”
“I’m trying to be smart,” I reasoned.
Reece moved to one of the chairs and sat down. “You think logic comes into play with love, Holden?” he asked. “You’re probably the smartest man I know. There’s no way you can actually believe that.”
I was terrified
of committing to a serious relationship with Leni, especially now knowing that she had such strong feelings for me, and my brother was sitting here talking to me about love.
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I declared. “I know what it feels like to love someone and to have them hurt you. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do to her.”
“So, what are you going to do then? Have you seen her or talked to her since you took her home?” Reece questioned me.
I nodded. “I’ve seen her once since then, and we’ve communicated through phone calls and texts. But it’s so hard, Reece. She gives me a hundred percent of herself, even when she knows I’m holding back. I’m purposely trying to distance myself to make it easier, and she just keeps giving.”
“Distancing yourself to make what easier? And for who?”
“I’m trying to make it easier for her to end this. I figure if she has less and less of me, it won’t hurt her as much when she doesn’t have me at all. I don’t know that my plan is working, though. Because when I’m with her, it’s like I forget all the reasons I have not to continue pursuing something with her. But when I go home or when she’s not around, I find myself wondering if I’m making a mistake. I’m scared shitless of giving my whole heart to her and having her stomp on it down the road. I don’t think I’d ever recover from her.”
Reece let out a laugh. I wanted to smack him for thinking there was anything funny about this. Before I could do that, he pressed, “Did you ever wonder why that might be?”
“Why do you think this is funny?” I shot back, ignoring his question.
He continued to laugh at me and said, “Holden, it’s amazing that you can’t understand what’s going on here. I think you already know that you feel something more for this girl than you ever expected. I’m not going to tell you what it is because I know you’re smart enough to eventually figure it out. But I hope for your sake you do that sooner rather than later. I’d hate to see you trash something that’s worth it because you’re afraid. Obviously, there are no guarantees about what will happen. But you need to decide if you ever want that reward. Seeing how she was with you last weekend, especially the way she looked at you when you were dancing with Mom, I have no doubts about how much she feels for you. Seeing you now, I know how much you feel for her. What I don’t know is whether you’ll wake up realize that she’s someone worth taking this risk on the same way she’s taking a risk on you?”
I looked away from him again, not sure what to do. Coming to Reece’s, I had hoped he’d tell me everything I wanted to hear. That I was doing the right thing—the smart thing—by pulling away from her. He was doing the exact opposite, and it was messing with my head.
Now, I stuck.
This was wrong. I knew it was wrong to keep stringing her along like this. But for some reason, I couldn’t just end it. In a way, I guess I was hoping to take the easy way out. If I distanced myself from her, she’d get fed up and leave me. It would easier to cope with her being angry at me because the opposite was something I didn’t want at all. I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to look in her eyes and see the pain in them if I was the one who ended this.
“Fuck,” I whispered as a vision of Leni popped into my mind.
A moment later, I felt Reece’s hand on my shoulder. He gave me a squeeze there before he urged, “Don’t let the people who disappointed you and caused you pain be the reason you hurt yourself even more.”
That was just it.
“It’s not me that I’m worried about hurting, Reece,” I insisted. “It’s her.”
“That should tell you everything you need to know.”
And with those parting words, my brother’s hand left my shoulder. Seconds later, I heard the sliding door open and close as he left me on the deck with my thoughts.
Fifteen minutes later, I wasn’t convinced he was right. Because I still had no idea what to do.
I was afraid I’d reached my limit.
Since I’d managed to make it to the day I promised my grandma I’d be coming to visit her without completely losing it, I knew I needed to use my time with her today wisely.
I needed her sound advice.
And I knew she wouldn’t mind. She loved her time with me. While she always made every effort to bless me with her inappropriate comments throughout our visits, I knew she also enjoyed feeling like she had a purpose. Part of that purpose was imparting wisdom to help guide her granddaughter whenever said granddaughter was headed in the wrong direction.
On the drive over to the assisted living facility, I thought about everything that had happened over the last two weeks that followed the party for Holden’s grandparents and brought me to this point of terror.
There was no shortage of activity in my days. Most of them had been filled with work. Between the few additional in-person classes I held and the new series I filmed for my online classes, I kept myself busy. When I wasn’t actually doing yoga, it was likely that I was editing yoga videos.
But there were still some moments of downtime. And that was something I’d always hated because I knew how easy it was for me to think a lot during those moments. When I did, it always ended in me panicking about something I couldn’t control.
Knowing what had been on my mind and the fact that it was precisely the kind of thing that could send my brain spiraling, I did use some of my free time to simply meditate. It was the easiest thing I could do to keep the bad thoughts from completely consuming me.
Working and meditating weren’t something I could do nonstop, however.
So, there were times that I had no choice but to let my imagination run free. And when it did, I found myself beginning to fear that I’d made a really big mistake.
I was torn. Because a huge part of me did not regret for a moment that I’d told Holden I loved him. It was the truth, and I’d learned a long time ago that it wasn’t worth it to hold the truth in, especially big ones like that. There was the other part of me that believed I might have ruined the progress Holden and I were making in our relationship, though.
Initially, I thought we were going to be okay. Holden spent the night of the party at my place, and for the most part, everything was great. We’d made love. Well, I did. Part of me believed that he was trying to communicate something to me then as well because when we were intimate that night, it was different. He took his time, never once rushing it, and was incredibly gentle. It was then I actually believed I’d done the right thing by telling him how I felt about him. Because he made me feel like even though he wasn’t ready to say the words back to me, he had somehow found another way to share his feelings.
Following our lovemaking that night, Holden even spent some time talking to me. We talked about a couple different things, but mostly I wanted to know more about his knack for dancing. He shared openly and honestly with me about it.
When I fell asleep that night, I didn’t do it with the feeling of a gaping hole in my belly like I’d felt when I’d initially blurted my feelings to him and got nothing in response. Naturally, when we woke the next morning and Holden left after having breakfast with me, I didn’t think twice about it.
But then it changed.
Things started happening that made me begin to worry.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as that first week where Holden only showed up to have sex and leave without anything in between, but it definitely wasn’t what it had been between us. I didn’t want to admit it, but deep down I had a feeling he was pulling away from me.
And none of it made sense to me.
Which is precisely the reason why I was excited to finally pull into the lot outside the place my grandmother lived. No matter what, I knew she wouldn’t let me leave here until I made sense of it all or until she helped me come up with a plan to figure it all out.
I parked my car, grabbed the cookies I’d baked for her yesterday, and made my way to the front door. Walking in, I saw Pauline looking bright and cheerful, ready to greet me.
“Hi, Leni. How a
re you?”
“I’m doing well, Pauline. How’s Grandma been?” I asked.
Pauline smiled and assured me, “She keeps us on our toes, that’s for sure!”
I jerked my head toward the double doors that led down the hall to her room and asked, “Is it okay if I head back?”
With a nod, Pauline confirmed, “Absolutely. I’ll buzz you in.”
“Thanks.”
I walked through the doors and down the hall to see my favorite woman in the world. When I got there, I knocked on her door and popped my head inside keeping my eyes closed. “Is it safe to come in?” I jokingly asked.
“Oh, knock off your nonsense and get in here,” she ordered.
I stepped into the room, closed the door behind me, and walked toward her. After giving her a kiss on the cheek, I pointed out, “You have to admit that it’s not really nonsense. I mean, you’re the craziest one living here. I never know what I’ll find when I walk into this room.”
“I’m not crazy,” she retorted. “I just like to grab life by the balls. What fun would it be to just sit around waiting for stuff to happen?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Only my grandmother would talk about grabbing life by the balls. But that’s precisely why I loved her so much. She had no filter, and she didn’t care if you liked it or not.
Holding the container up between us, I announced, “I baked cookies.”
“Are they any good?” she asked. “I know how you always seem to put things in the oven and then forget about them.”
“I don’t forget about them, per se. I just get busy doing other things.”
“Nearly every time you’ve burnt something, my darling girl, it’s because you were standing upside down,” she reminded me.
She wasn’t lying.
I wasn’t exactly a bad cook, but I wasn’t great either. I knew enough to get me by and didn’t typically venture outside of what I knew I could handle. But on certain occasions, like coming for a visit with her, I’d try to do something special. Unfortunately, it didn’t always turn out the way I hoped. Thankfully, I’d recently learned the art of setting a timer when I put things in the oven. It had helped tremendously with cutting down on the number of failed baking attempts.
