by Jamye Waxman
However, she had made peace with him and they were moving on together. I didn’t totally understand why and how but did understand that that decision would impact any chance we had of being friends down the line. For a long time, there was still the longing to find resolution on both our parts. We would share a few texts here and there, go on an outing to a museum. We tried catching each other up on our lives, but when I didn’t invite her to my wedding reception because I didn’t want him there . . . I never heard from her again.” —Coyote
How to End a Friendship
You’re not in high school anymore. Either you resolve your differences, or you don’t. And if you don’t, then you have several options when it comes to ending a friendship.
You can just let it slide from its former place of high friendship status to a place of lesser importance, especially if you’re not big into confrontation. You can also become more involved in things that your friend doesn’t like, for instance if she hates the bar scene and you spend your weekends at bars, you’ll probably start seeing a lot less of each other. You can return phone calls less often and ignore texts for a while. Or you can outright tell your friend that you’re not into her anymore and let the words sink in.
Friendships minus the “fri” happen all the time. It’s a part of life and growth. When it comes to a friendship we once valued, how we end the relationship is as important as what we do to begin again.
OPTION ONE: MEET FACE-TO-FACE
Remember the positive-note research done by Metts, Cupach, and Bejlovec (discussed in Chapter Four) reminds us that ending a relationship face-to-face, and with compassion, provides the best outcome for closure or reconciliation.
Yeah, it may be daunting, and it’s definitely difficult, but this option will provide you with the most definitive closure you can ask for. That’s because both of you will be able to see and feel the impact of your words. Plus, it’s the most open and honest way to show them that you care, even if your level of caring has diminished so greatly that you’re ready to care a whole lot less.
In meeting face-to-face, wait until there are no big waves—like a funeral, a wedding, a new job, a friend’s big party, a midterm or final, or a serious illness. If you do it during a really emotional time, then a break up conversation can become a whole lot of arguing without resolution. Don’t break up a week after your friend’s father dies or the night they found out that they flunked out of college for partying too hard. Try not to end the friendship at a party where you’re celebrating another mutual friend’s big promotion or birthday. In fact, don’t end the friendship at a party ever, and never anytime that you’re drunk or high. End the friendship when it’s just the two of you and you’re in a quiet and sober place.
Of course, if you have to get it out now, then do what you have to. But you may want to acknowledge the sense of urgency before you end it all. Tell them that while you know this isn’t the best time to end your friendship, you aren’t sure when the right time would be. Mention how it’s been on your mind and you really need to talk about it. Own up to why it has to be now, and be honest about your own needs in the moment.
Don’t get into the finger pointing of who did what and why. Instead refrain from being a big baby and be the bigger person. Even if you think there’s a lot of blame, try to see both sides. There’s no need to apologize for needing to end the relationship, unless you did something really shitty. Just make sure that both you and your friend understand these A, B, C’s:
A. It’s over.
B. These are the reasons why (be as concise as you can be here).
C. This is how you’re going to handle it with your other friends.
Don’t make plans for future dates, and don’t be surprised if mutual friends get a little weird too. It happens. Just make sure you have clear boundaries and that the two of you understand the deal in ending the friendship.
A lot of times, it doesn’t take hours of conversation to end a friendship, even one that took years to build. But it can take brutal honesty and a lot of willpower to not cave in to requests to make it better or to avoid saying sorry when you’re really not sorry about it being over.
OPTION TWO: VIDEO CHAT OR PHONE
Sometimes you live across the country from the person you need to get away from, and just because you could wait until your paths cross again doesn’t mean you want to. In instances where distance is a factor, phoning it in is a good idea. Sure, it’s not as brave and personal as face-to-face, but when you physically can’t do it or don’t want to emotionally, a video chat or phone call are still better options than most of the others out there.
Talking via a real-time video chat allows you to see the person, but from the safe distance of not-in-the-same-room or state. It still allows you to read emotions and see expressions, only there’s no awkward in-person meeting and greeting. Instead it’s awkwardly done over the computer. And when you turn off the computer, you don’t have to get in the car and drive home; you’re already there.
If video chat doesn’t work because you don’t actually want to see your friend when you dump them, or because you don’t have a personal computer to chat on, you can do it by phone. It still gives you a chance to speak to each other prior to ending things, and it allows you to listen to what the recipient has to say. Still, it’s not as easy to read a person, even if they are super open, and it may not give you the complete feeling of closure. But it may.
OPTION THREE: WRITE IT DOWN
A note is a good way to communicate a lot of things you may find difficult to say otherwise. Especially if you’re highly emotional about something a friend did and you need to find a way to create some added distance. Writing things down gives you a chance to think about what you want to say and precisely how you want to say it. Getting it out in words gives you a chance to explore your emotions without getting too emotional in a face-to-face conversation. By having the words written out in front of you, you can get all of your points across and make a very clear case about your decision.
Letters are forgiving. Because you have a chance to think through the words you choose, you can say really hard things more easily and with compassion. If you don’t like somebody anymore, you can use words that convey your meaning in more flowery prose (or you can be direct, if that’s your style).
With a letter, there is less back and forth arguing, and you can be sure that you’ve really thought out what it is you wanted to say. Of course, you have to decide if you will invite a response from the friend, or if you’re just going to have a one-sided break up. You can also decide if you want to use the letter as a heads-up, so that when you do meet in person, you have a jumping off point. And if they write you back after all is said and done, you can read it, rip it up, or stick it in a drawer to open at a later date.
Or, you can write a letter for yourself (and never send it). It can help give you an idea of the points you want to hit when you do go in for the face-to-face talk. Or it can remind you, later on, how you felt before the friendship ended. However you use your words, writing them down can give you a lot of clarity.
OPTION FOUR: DO THE GRADUAL SAYONARA
This is an option when friendships are close enough that not making a point of shifting the relationship could be awkward, but you aren’t so invested in one another’s lives that you speak to each other all the time. If you are in a clique (like a sorority) and this person is part of your close group of friends, or if you know you will continue to see this person in your social circle, this is a gentler way to stop faking a friendship with them.
Slowly backing away usually works if both parties are not that interested in being friends but are interested in maintaining friendships with other people in the group. In order to back away slowly, you can start by limiting the amount of time you talk to each other when you do see one another. When you do talk, share less. Try not to share any intimate details about your life, especially anything that makes you feel vulnerable. Also, while you’re saying less about yo
ur life, stop offering advice or suggestions on theirs. Don’t make future plans, or even pretend that you hope to get together sometime soon. And decline any invitations to get together for a drink or to go to a concert.
As you grow further apart, you don’t have to feel obliged to pick up the phone when they call, and you probably shouldn’t text back right away either. While I’m not for playing games (outside of board games like Monopoly, Stratego, and Trivial Pursuit), it’s important that they understand they are not a priority in your life. It may be hard at first, and you may feel like a bad person for blocking them out slowly, but sometimes one or both of you aren’t truly ready to say goodbye. When slowly backing away, you may realize you don’t need to break up completely to find a place for your friend in your life. Perhaps the gradual sayonara allows you to find a space in acquaintance-ville for you old-time friend.
OPTION FIVE: DISAPPEAR
Okay, I said it in chapter two—a disappearing act isn’t cool. But I can’t ignore it as an option. And while it won’t work with a good friend, it does work with a casual acquaintance. But if they are just a casual acquaintance, you probably don’t need to worry about the whole break up anyway. And sure, disappearing is definitely easy, but if you do it to a friend, you’re a jerk.
I do mean to sound harsh. Sure, we’ve all disappeared from someone’s life. But if this is someone you care (or cared) about, then you really need to think about why you can do this to them. Of course, if the friend is so abusive you don’t know what else to do, then disappear. Stop answering their calls, texts, and emails. You may need to move away somewhere so they never find you. But if you can, or have to, disappear from a friendship, then you have bigger problems with, or than, this friend.
In the end, whatever path you choose, don’t expect that your soon-to-be ex-friend is on the same page. He or she may or may not be down with your decision—not just your decision to break up, but also the way you go about handling it. Just remember: Meeting in person, or on video chat, provides the highest chance of satisfaction for both parties. Writing a letter provides one-sided satisfaction, while the gradual disappearance of said friendship or the quick non-goodbye is the easy way out.
While in-person is the best way to break up, I can’t convince you to always do it that way. If I said I always broke up with people face-to-face, then I’d be a liar because it’s not always an option, it’s not always easy, and it’s not always true. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the best option when it comes to showing respect in a relationship.
Real-Life Break Ups
“I had a friend write me a ‘break up’ letter and I was shocked. I remember at the time feeling, ‘I feel like I just got dumped.’ I was furious that there was no communication before the break, and the whole thing was based on a misunderstanding. I actually went through a mourning period.” —Alex
Dealing with Your Other Friends
Oftentimes our friends are also friends with more of our friends, which makes breaking up with a friend a particularly tricky equation:
Friends + Friends – Friend = Awkward Friend Moments
You’re almost certainly guaranteed to run into a friend, or twelve, who are still friends with your ex-friend. And because you are going to be around other people that may still like the person you’re no longer friends with, you need to set up some really clear and firm boundaries around your break up. On top of that, you need to know how you will handle any violation. For example, if you tell your ex-friend you don’t want to have any contact—email or otherwise—and they contact you, you may ignore it once, but if it continues, you have to decide if you will take action against them.
Tell your other friends about your agreement, too. If it’s okay to be at a party with your ex-friend, let them know. (i.e. “We said we’d acknowledge each other with a nod, but not talk”). And if you get to said party and you can’t keep your promise, it’s your responsibility to not make a scene and just leave. Just like it would be their responsibility to do the same if they should feel the urge coming on. If you don’t want to be invited to a party because your ex-bestie is going to be there, then don’t make your other friends have to choose. It’s pretty unfair to break up with someone and then expect your friends to do the same. And it’s really not okay to expect your friends to get involved or to isolate your ex-friend from the group.
However, it is okay to tell your friends that you’re not comfortable being in the same room/at the same party with your frenemy. And if you can’t stand to be around them, don’t. If you might both get an invitation, inquire about the guest list. And if they say that your yesterfriend is going to be there, then don’t go. Don’t make it a big deal or so uncomfortable that you force a choice on your other friends. Your break up is not their problem.
That might mean getting out of the way of your friends for a while. Let them have their relationships, and see them how and when you can. For instance, if a large group of friends is still friends with this one ex, make individual plans for a while. Or have a party at your place, and invite over a select group of peeps.
If you do run into your ex-friend, it’s okay if it’s awkward. But this doesn’t mean you need to run the other way. Hopefully the two of you have made your peace and said your good-byes. As long as there has been closure, a pleasant smile and a nod should be all you need to keep on going.
If the break up wasn’t clean or two-sided, then seeing each other will likely be difficult. If unresolved issues arise, the recipient may act passive-aggressively or outwardly cruel toward you. She may tell your other friends her side of the story, trying to make you look bad.
It could be best to avoid the recipient for a while. Once you’ve broken up, it’s okay to disappear from their life, and it may even make the hurt heal faster. I had a friend break up with me and then disappear, and while it still hurt a lot, not seeing him was way easier than if I had run into him all the time. In fact, I don’t know how I would have gotten over it if he were still hanging around.
Arnie felt like an instant best friend and most fun buddy (and truth be told, although we were never intimate, he was someone I could have seen myself dating), but he dumped me after he got a girlfriend.
Perhaps he would have done it in person if we were in the same state, but because I was in San Francisco and he was in New York, he did it by phone. I got the call while walking on Van Ness Avenue, right across the street from City Hall. He told me how he met a girl, and he really liked her. I remember being happy for him and a little bit sad for me, knowing that when I returned to New York, things would be different. I didn’t have any idea how different they’d be, but I definitely wasn’t ready for the whopper that came next. Arnie told me that because he had met this woman, we couldn’t be friends anymore. No further explanation. No discussion. No apologies. Just, “I’m sorry, Jamye. I can’t do this now.”
I haven’t seen, or spoken to, Arnie since that day. I don’t know what I would do if I ever ran into him again, which honestly is highly unlikely since we don’t live in the same state or even the same part of the country. I did write him an email expressing my hurt, but he held his boundaries, and when he responded, it was curt and consistent with his message that our friendship was over.
Looking back, while his approach wasn’t the gentlest, it was direct. At the time, I felt like I could prove him wrong (about the not being able to be just friends part), but he was more insightful and honest than I was. He saw the things I wanted to deny. And by holding his ground and stepping out of my life, he gave me a chance to fill the void that he knew would be created by his being in this new relationship. And although I’m still sad that I lost the most fun friendship I’d ever known, I was glad he didn’t dangle the pain in my face.
And as time has gone by, the friendship matters less, although as I type this, there’s still a pain in my heart from where Arnie moved on. But I don’t think about him most of the time.
I believe it’s because Arnie was able to do the clean brea
k. He never had me holding out hope for a change of heart. And he was concise and clear in his break up message, even when I really wanted him back in my life.
Odds are, almost anywhere you go, someone can share a story about a friend they don’t talk to anymore. And by sharing these stories, it helps to see that no matter how different our paths are, we all share the common experience of making and ending friendships.
CONSIDERATIONS FOR THE BROKEN UP
1.You are not alone. Almost everybody has experienced at least one break up with a friend, and even those who have broken up with someone get broken up with too.
2.Take your time to process with your friends, your family, and others you can talk to about what they saw about the relationship and the roles you two played in the dissolution of your friendship.
3.Meditate or find other peaceful ways for introspection.
4.Try new experiences. Not only will this make you less likely to run into your frenemy, but you’ll be also opening yourself up to making new friends too.
5.Write a letter to the person who broke up with you explaining your feelings. Even if you never send it, it can feel good to get it out.
6.You may be hurt, angry, disgusted, annoyed, relieved, or in shock, or perhaps you’ve just accepted the break up, but even with acceptance, you may not be okay with how it all ended. And that’s okay.
SIX
Breaking Up with Family
“My family is my strength and my weakness.”
—AISHWARYA RAI BACHCHAN
Family was originally defined as the descendants of a common ancestor, but that definition feels a bit limiting. Family is the people we are willing to drop everything for and go anywhere to be with. They are the collective whose honor we defend—sometimes until death—and whose love keeps us alive. We are brought up believing (if we are lucky) that family is our lifeline, our safe refuge, our history, and part of our identity. No matter if your family was waiting for you when you made your vaginal or cesarean debut or they welcomed you into their home sometime thereafter—family ties are supposed to be unbreakable.
