by Jamye Waxman
ASK FOR AN EXIT INTERVIEW
If you feel you owe the church more than a handwritten good-bye, because of how active you were or because it’s the highest road you can take, then by all means ask for an exit interview. However, don’t expect the exit to be easy. While you may do everything right and feel good about saying good-bye, it can also go south, especially if they feel like they are being judged. Nobody likes when you believe their ideas are wrong, but some may envy you for having the courage to stand up for what you believe.
Most importantly, be confident in your choice and stand strong in your conviction. If you stay strong, you will come through the other end with a feeling of liberation that you will enjoy. Try repeating the mantra “My reasons are valid and legitimate” every time you have doubts.
After Cutting the Cord
Once you’ve said what you needed to say, it’s time to sever all ties with the church. If you still have friends or family actively involved in your former religious affiliation, you may want to have a discussion with them about the boundaries of talking about religion with you. Perhaps you put a moratorium on discussions about spiritual beliefs for the next twelve months, and when the wounds have healed a bit, you can see if it’s still too soon to bring things up. If conversations do arise, have a plan of action in place to get the heck out of them. A simple “excuse me” before you leave the room could work to get the message across.
If it feels like a big deal that you left your coven, then it is. So use this separation to allow you to find your separate sense of self. Be sure to make new friends, or at least make time for new things in your life. While you may or may not keep your old friends, take some space from them. It’s important to be able to establish a sense of individualism before you try to reconnect with even a part of what once was your whole community. Look for new people who challenge you to open up and explore what it is you are seeking.
In your search, you may decide you need a new outlet for self-reflection, perhaps something that you consider deeply spiritual. Meditation and yoga work for some and can keep you connected to your body and a higher spiritual calling. A new ritual may replace your old religion too. Joining a singing group can provide you with a place to let the spirit move through you. So can a Five Rhythms dance group, which is a community of people who come together to transcend through dance and movement. You can also volunteer your time with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America or some other organization that helps you feel like you are serving a higher purpose. Another religion may help you fill the void your old religion left. Of course, you don’t have to close the door to your church, temple, or coven forever. But you do have to be open to finding your own path, so you can come to your own inner truth in your time.
Real-Life Break Ups
“My mother grew up Southern Baptist in a small town. It was the kind of town that had two or three churches for denomination differences.
I did not grow up in that town, but on major holidays and random visits I was obligated to attend service at that church. I attended Bible school regularly, and I even went to Summer Bible Camp. At one point—around the age of twelve or thirteen—I had thoughts of becoming a minister, but I could never wrap my mind around it because my denomination believed that women could not lead a congregation.
What I loved about my religion was the absolute conviction that all suffering and pain was for a reason and reward was simply around the corner. And I loved how amazing the world sounded through a Southern Baptist sermon. Hellfire and brimstone was often followed by celebration and gratitude for the grace of God.
But I left Christianity, Southern Baptist specifically, because of sex. After I had my first orgasm with a partner, I spent two hours crying because I had broken some sort of vow to God. I tend to dislike anything that makes me dislike me. So I decided I needed to figure out if I was really willing to abstain or if I needed to rethink my beliefs. For a while I continued with my sexual escapades, convinced that the Old Testament was just outdated, and that this was fine. But then, I made my first friend who was homosexual. And my religion said that was not acceptable. My mom said that homosexuality is natural (as all things are created by God, including sin); however, it is our job as moral and Christian people to abstain from ‘sins of the flesh.’ And that was that for me. The concept that people should just walk around abstaining from their natural urges didn’t seem right to me. So I could not reconcile all of this in my head. Add that to the fact that my youth minister apparently cheated on his wife and had to make a public announcement during Sunday service as an apology to the church for false ministry, and I was gone.
I left quietly. I was a teenager, and most teenagers didn’t go to church often. About two years after that, I decided I was done with the religion completely, and then I told my mom. My mom cried and said, ‘It makes me sad that when I die and meet my savior, none of my family will be there.’ My father is not a religious man. He was disfellowshipped from the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Throughout this process, I learned to acknowledge that true acceptance means accepting beliefs that are both more conservative and less. I still find faith beautiful and have very good friends who are also devout ones. I occasionally envy them.” —April
“I grew up in the Mormon Church—by choice. I loved everything I knew about our religion, and each Sunday I would take the bus to church where I would stand behind the pulpit and bare my testimony that this was the one true church. I would sing and eat the blood or body of Christ from a silver tray. The seemingly infallible Elders in their crisp white shirts with perfectly placed name tags were my true heroes, and I yearned to one day follow in their footsteps. The LDS (Latter Day Saints) represented everything good in the world, and much of who I am today stems from what I learned within the church’s sunlit walls.
The seeds of doubt started to grow inside me one day when I was standing in the hall of my church. Two men who I greatly respected were having a conversation; one said to the other, ‘Evolution is ridiculous, to imagine that man comes from apes is stupid. How can anybody believe in evolution and God at the same time?’ The conversation went on, but I was already lost in deep thought. I believed in both God and evolution but had never considered that they were diametrically opposed. What a conundrum I now faced at the age of thirteen. I was taught that in order to love God, one must truly accept his existence into one’s heart, and since I was committed to the theory of evolution, that meant I couldn’t believe in him too. For years after that I held onto the bare threads of my faith, but like a rock climber suspended from a faulty rope, I was simply waiting for the last strand to snap (and hoping the rope might just save me). I remained suspended from that rope for twenty more years, but it just kept unraveling.
The rope finally broke when I learned the church actively worked to deny same-sex marriage. To deny not just the relationships of members of my family, but also of friends I adored. How could anybody deny the love and rights of these people who had committed to each other and demonstrated the very best of what we as humans can be?
The last time I ever walked into my church was to deliver a detailed ten-page letter to the Deacons’ office to say good-bye and explain why. Not to debate with anybody, but to give them a written legacy to ponder and perhaps learn from. They had lost me forever, and that should be their tragedy, their sin.
Despite all the good that the church had given me, the bad was not only insufferable but was contradictory to what the church had taught me. Racism, prejudice, greed, hypocrisy, disrespect, hate, and ignorance are the true enemy of humanity, spirit, and the heart, and no god or religion would or should deny this.” —Scott
“My family has been Jehovah’s Witnesses (on both sides) for four generations. I was a Jehovah’s Witness from the time I was born until I was twenty-seven. I loved the camaraderie, and the sense that everyone was your family.
I left because something was wrong in my life, I didn’t know what, so I left everything—my husband,
the church, my job. I didn’t go back because I learned about the lies those in charge perpetuated regarding doctrine.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses have what they call Judicial Committees (JC), where you confess your ‘sin’ and they decide if you should be ‘disfellowshipped’ or not. When trying to return to the church, they also decide if you’re repentant enough to be ‘reinstated.’ I basically turned myself in to the elders because I felt like I wasn’t worthy and I deserved God’s punishment by being disfellowshipped. I told my parents face-to-face that I was being disfellowshipped from the congregation after my JC but before the official announcement was made to the congregation.
Now, no one in the church is allowed to associate with me. My parents occasionally speak to me, but really only in regards to my children. My biological brothers don’t speak to me at all. Not one of my ‘friends’ stayed in contact with me, beyond those who also left the church.
When I left, I didn’t trust people in general, and I was still in shock from all the changes in my life at the time. It started with one person, who dragged me into her family. It took years to build friendships with those I now consider part of my ‘tribe.’
I learned everything about myself after leaving. When you’re a Jehovah’s Witness, you’re told what to think, how to act, what to wear, who to talk to, and what you’re allowed to watch and listen to. It’s conform or leave. Appearances are everything to them. Most live double lives. When you find out your entire life has been a lie, you start at the bedrock and rebuild. Therapy saved my sanity. Mostly I learned that I get to make my own life rules; I don’t have to follow what society says or what some religious person says. I am in charge of my own morality, and I’m not responsible for anyone else.” —Janet
How to Break Up with a Cult
The word cult was originally used to describe various religious practices, but now it mainly refers to small, independent sects who hold more eccentric beliefs. Cults are generally devoted to a particular person, object, or idea. Some people see any religion as a cult, but cults are often more extreme versions of religions—exploiting members both psychologically and sometimes financially through psychological manipulation. Cults demand you prove your loyalty and make you obey their leader. Some cults, like Heaven’s Gate and the Peoples Temple Agricultural Project (known as Jonestown), expect you to devote your life (and death) to their ideas.
Cults are often unhealthy, making you anxious and dependent, although at the right time and place, some people use cults as a healthy way to gain insight into various aspects of their own lives. I have at times been involved in cults—not the scary kind that ask for your life, just the kind that ask for your money and your mouth (to spread the word that they exist and do good). I like cults because I learn something about myself every time I am exposed to one, but I am also certain that I will always leave (and I always have). But when you are told you can’t leave even if you want to, then you know you have to get out.
Thought reform, a type of mind control, is a powerful tool to keep members from questioning life outside of the community. Controlling your mind makes it easy to control your movements. You become a human puppet being pulled by the strings of a leader.
When people leave extreme cults, it’s important they consult with a professional who is trained in cult deprogramming. They can help you deal with post traumatic stress disorder and self-esteem issues. Whatever thoughts you have about leaving a cult, it isn’t easy, and there are online and in-person resources that can help you get to a better place.
“If you try to confront someone directly who is in something like [a cult], you are just going to push them further away. What always worked for me was when people didn’t act shocked. I used to work at McDonald’s and I would tell the people I worked with about ‘The Lord,’ and they would react with an, ‘Oh, okay, that’s cool. That’s nice. So what are you doing Friday night? We’re having a bonfire party. We’d love if you came.’ Instead of trying to talk somebody out of it, presenting them with a more appealing option could be the way to reach someone.”
—SARAH, FORMER CULT MEMBER
Go Outside Yourself
Because leaving a cult challenges your sense of community and your sense of self, you want to find some outside help, whether it’s other family or friends or people you meet online who have had similar experiences. The International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) is a leading organization for helping those who want to break up with “physically manipulative high control groups,” and they have been offering support and services since 1979 (www.icsahome.com).
If you have the option, make a careful list of people you want to talk to, and then start reaching out to see if they’re available to help. Don’t turn to anyone who may slip up and share your secret before you’re ready to make it public. You may want to talk to a therapist or someone who’s been friendly to you every time you go to the grocery store (especially if you have no other options). You should also consider putting some solid legal counsel on the list (just in case). Go to the doctor and get a check up of the physical and mental kind. Plan out where you’ll live after you leave. If you had your own home, is it still safe to be there?
Getting Out
It may be difficult to leave a cult with a face-to-face ending. While it’s still the boldest way to go, it can also backfire. Instead of telling the whole group, try telling one member of the group. Meet in a neutral, public place where you can break the news to them and still feel safe. If you want backup, bring a friend with you. Then let the member go back and tell the rest of the group.
You can also try a phone call or sending a letter. Either of these options lets you write out, in detail, what you want to say while leaving some distance between you and the community you need to say it too. With a letter, they can choose to read it out loud to the whole group so everybody knows exactly how you’re feeling or to keep it amongst the leaders.
If you choose a phone call, write down the specifics of what you want to say, and stick to your points. If you are afraid to make the phone call directly, you can have an outside family member or friend (or whoever you have turned to for support) make the call for you. They can deliver your message and provide you with the distance you need to make a break from everyone else.
ADVICE ON BREAKING UP FROM FORMER CULT MEMBER
Paul Grosswald, a former cult member turned lawyer specializing in cult litigation, offers tips on leaving a cult:
“Instinct is awareness. Being in a cult taught me to suppress my doubts so that I would think there was something wrong with me and not the organization. That’s how they got me to overlook the bad stuff. That’s a dangerous attitude. If you’re questioning something about your community, trust your instincts. Questioning means that something is wrong.
Mind control and suppression are forms of abuse. The cult was treating me like crap, but I was determined to work my way back into it. I deflected the blame away from them and onto my parents (who were, at the time, trying to actively get me out).
Get help. I don’t know that I could have talked myself through that process without a counselor. Find other experts and counselors, and not just any counselor, but an exit counselor who really understands the mechanisms of a cult. Exit counselors can be anyone doing an intervention to get somebody out of a cult. This is someone who can show you that your reasoning is flawed and there is another perspective and another way of looking at life. You may find one through a cult recovery network (http://www.culteducation.com/directory.html) or through word of mouth. You need to free yourself from the ideology, and that’s something that can be virtually impossible to do without knowledgeable support.4”
Breaking up is hard. While disappearing isn’t the best way to end most relationships, it may be the best option in this situation—especially if you are already scared about leaving the community. Still, you’ll want to use an exit counselor to help you get out and stay out.
Because cult members will likely try to win you back,
you will need to keep your distance. You don’t have to answer their emails or phone calls, but if you do, write a short message asking them to never contact you again. Or again, you can have a friend write the message for you.
Keep a record of all the times they try to contact you and of your responses. Harassment laws do exist in every country, and it may surprise you to find out what kind of protection you are entitled to.
Eventually, you will replace your cult with other, more positive groups. Where you go and who you choose will be a conscious choice because you will again be in control of your life.
Real-Life Break Ups
“My parents found Brother Julius in 1970, when they were doing a lot of spiritual searching, and they heard about this guy who was giving baptisms and claiming to be John the Baptist reincarnated. This was before he decided he was Jesus reincarnated. So they got involved in his cult, and I was born into it. No choice. Similar to David Koresh’s teachings, Brother Julius was a sinful messiah. He was overweight and imperfect, but it was all for a divine reason.
I was in the cult until I was twenty, when I got kicked out. I was just pushing boundaries constantly and never could really fit in; despite the fact that I believed that Brother Julius was God, I was always misbehaving. I couldn’t help myself.
So, I got called in to a spiritual consultation, and when I showed up, I didn’t bring my Bible, which was a big no-no. Everyone worships their Bibles and carries them around. I had been at work all day and forgot mine, so that was the first problem. They had collected a lot of information on me, so they knew what I had been doing, who I had been associating with, and none of it was acceptable. I was holding hands. Kissing boys that were in the church and not in the church. So I got kicked out.
I never got to have the confrontation I wanted, which would have been great if I had been strong enough to do that, but I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do that. So it was probably good for me that it happened the way it happened. Otherwise, I probably would have been contrite for a while and then maybe had just gone back whenever they were ready to talk to me again. At some point they would have let me back in. But my leaving helped my cousin leave too. Because she thought I did it on my own, she felt empowered to do it too. And I’m really happy about that.” —Sarah
