by Jamye Waxman
TO FORGIVE OR NOT FORGIVE: SPIRITUAL LEADERS ANSWER THE QUESTION
“I personally think that forgiveness is often overly emphasized in this kind of language. Healing and forgiveness are not the same thing. A person can heal from terrible kinds of abuse and mistreatment without ever getting to a place of “forgiveness” of his/her abuser. When we put the emphasis on forgiveness too much, we run the risk of guilt-tripping someone who has suffered horribly at the hands of another, or making them feel insufficient, when it’s not true that all crimes can engender forgiveness. Certainly, if an individual can get to a place of forgiveness—whether or not the one forgiven has ever exhibited any signs of penitence, willingness to change, or even awareness that s/he has done anything wrong—it can be important and liberating. But it’s not a requirement—definitely not something the abused ‘owes’ the abuser, and not something that the abused is ‘wrong’ if s/he never gets to.” —Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg
“Forgiveness is always necessary, but it’s not always easy and it takes time. That said, not forgiving only hurts you. Resentment just keeps you locked in an evil and non-loving response.” —Mike Hayes, spiritual director
“I think that forgiveness is important because if we carry anger inside of us, then it affects our body. The body is the place where we store feelings and emotions. It can also affect us spiritually, especially if you walk around resentful and therefore see things through that lens. That being said, forgiveness is not forgetting. You don’t have to let someone treat you the same way again. That would be foolish. Still, it can often take a while for the anger and hurt to subside enough to begin the process of forgiving.” —Rabbi Gary Katz
“I see forgiveness as something we do to set ourselves free. It has little to nothing to do with the other person and does not require an apology. As long as we refuse to forgive someone, we live and get stuck in the pain of the hurt or disappointment. Once we forgive, we feel lighter and can move forward. We also must remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting, and it does not mean the pain never happened. It just means that we honor our sense of peace and we accept that our present and future are more important than the past.” —Tamara Horch-Prezioso, ordained minister, Reiki master, and intuitive counselor
Even with the downsides to forgiveness, the reality is that forgiveness is often a pick-me-up for the person who makes it happen. That being said, we all have different methods for moving on. Just because forgiveness seems like a good idea for some people doesn’t mean it works for everyone. So, before you choose to forgive or not to forgive, figure out what works best for you. And although you never have to do it, if you choose to, do it for you.
On Regret
For many years, I had a quote stuck in my head, one that I had heard in the beginning of a song. It went, “I would rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do.”
I’m not sure who the original quote maker was, although I’ve seen it attributed to the fictional SNL character Jack Handey. But just like “Fear is joy paralyzed,” these twelve words helped me out every time I began to feel like I had made a mistake in a relationship, or life in general. And to this day, when I start to doubt my decisions, I utter that phrase and remember I would rather regret taking a risk than playing it safe.
Breaking up with someone you care about, or you care enough about to actually break up with, is taking a risk. You risk losing someone who has helped you grow, and you risk losing other people, or an entire community, as a result of cutting ties. After it’s said and done, the broken-up-with may reject your words or treat you like something they would squash on the street. They may even try to turn it around, exclaiming that you are the problem and they are the solution. Whatever happens, you have made a decision, and you need to stick to it.
You won’t know what you actually want, or how they will truly react, until you can step away from the situation. Only after the break up can you look back and understand what you had, or what you needed, and what it means to not have it any longer.
You are mourning a loss. If you’re wallowing in regret over the decision, try working out, making art, hanging out with friends, throwing yourself a pity party, journaling, and taking a trip to get over the hump. If those don’t work, just ride the wave of regret. And strap in. It will get bumpy.
Take Care
As this chapter, and this book, comes to a close, I hope you have felt a shared experience and connection around non-romantic break ups. Sure, break ups are different for every person and each situation; however, there is something universal in the fact that we all suffer loss and we have to deal with filling a void.
Maybe you turn to other friends, a husband or wife, or a new exercise routine after ending a long friendship. Perhaps you stop talking to your family for a while after you get rid of that sister who’s been nagging you for decades. You may find another church after leaving yours, or you may decide that spirituality without religion is your thing. While there are no right answers, there are some things we can agree on. The most obvious one is that breaking up is hard, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it.
Breaking up can be vital for your happiness, and it may also be vital for your health. Think of the process of ending a relationship in the same way you think about getting in shape. It takes time to see the results you’ve set out to achieve, and it may take smaller goals to help you get through the daily bump and grind. When it comes to getting healthy, you have to work regularly and be mindful of what you eat. While the work can be more difficult than sitting on the couch watching The Long Island Medium, the end results are way more worth it. Or, if you hate exercise and only eat junk food, try to think of breaking up like breathing. Sometimes, it’s the only way to stay alive.
Whatever you do to take care of yourself after a relationship ends, take care of yourself. That means allowing yourself to acknowledge the break up and experiencing the emotions you are feeling. You can do this through writing, drawing, and talking out loud to yourself, your therapist, or your support network. You can feel better by reading more books or articles on the subject. You can get out and hike, camp, and travel. You may work on imparting a “yes, you can” attitude or changing something about your appearance, whether it’s a haircut, shopping, or just relaxing your body by getting a massage. You may just need to sit on your couch and watch movies.
Life is the experience you make of it. Break ups are life’s lessons about relationships and what works and what doesn’t work for us. Break ups are about acceptance and accountability. They are about making space and holding your own space too.
Break ups hurt, and you have to heal. It takes a lot of the time to get over someone, and for a while, it may tap into your energy reserves. Still, it’s a necessary part of our own evolution. And once you get over the hump, it can lead to new feelings of freedom and possibility.
How you handle a break up is going to impact your life more than it will impact anyone else’s life. So choose wisely, choose thoughtfully, and, most of all, choose you.
Notes
CHAPTER ONE
1. Rachel Zarrell, “This Boston Marathon Survivor Wrote A Breakup Letter To Her Leg Before Amputating It,” Buzzfeed.com, November 11, 2014, http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/adios-leg.
2. Timaree Schmit, “Timaree’s Body: Why Is My Doctor Always Running Late?” PhillyNow.com, December 11, 2014, http://phillynow.com/2014/12/11/timarees-body-why-is-my-doctor-always-running-late/.
3. Kat George, “Why Ending A Friendship Is So Much Harder Than Ending A Romantic Relationship.” Bustle, October 2014, http://www.bustle.com/articles/44167-why-ending-a-friendship-is-so-much-harder-than-ending-a-romantic-relationship.
4. Doka, K.J. Disenfranchised Grief: A hidden sorrow. (Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1989).
5. Bregtje Gunther Moor, Eveline A. Crone and Maurits W. van der Molen, “The Heartbrake of Social Rejection: Heart Rate Deceleration in Response to Unexpected Peer Rejection,” Psychological Science 21, no. 9 (
2010): 326-333, doi:10.1177/0956797610379236.
6. S. Halpern-Meekin, W. D. Manning, P. C. Giordano, and M. A. Longmore, “Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/ Off Relationships and Sex With an Ex,” Journal of Adolescent Research 28, no. 2 (2012): 166-188, doi: 10.1177/0743558412464524.
CHAPTER TWO
1. Robert Burns, “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough.”
2. Sandra Metts, “The Language of Disengagement: A Face-Management Perspective,” in Close Relationship Loss: Theoretical Approaches, ed. Terri L. Orbuch. (New York: Springer, 1992), 111-127.
3. Tara J. Collins and Omri Gillath, “Attachment, breakup strategies, and associated outcomes: The effects of security enhancement on the selection of breakup strategies,” Journal of Research in Personality 46, no. 2 (2012): 210-222, doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2012.01.008.
4. Michael Tomasello, Why We Cooperate. (Boston, The MIT Press, 2009).
5. (Marcia Baczynksi, pers.comm.)
CHAPTER THREE
1. Daniel Ploskin, MD, “What is codependence?, PsychCentral, 2013, http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-codependence/0001170.
2. Gregg Henriques, “Signs of counter-dependency,” Psychology Today, April 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201404/signs-counter-dependency.
3. Darlene Lancer, “Codependency vs. Interdependency,” PsychCentral, January, 2013, http://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-vs-interdependency/00014263.
CHAPTER FOUR
1. S. Metts, W. R. Cupach, and R. A. Bejlovec, “‘I love you too much to ever start liking you,’ Redefining romantic relationships,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 6, no. 3 (1989): 259–274, doi:10.1177/0265407589063002.
CHAPTER FIVE
1. Lynne C. Giles, Glonek Gary F. V., Luszcz Mary A., and Andrews, Gary R, “Effect of social networks on 10 year survival in very old Australians: the Australian longitudinal study of aging,” Journal of Epidemiol Community Health 59, no. 7 (2005): 574-579, doi:10.1136/jech.2004.025429.
2. Fatih Ozbay, MD; corresponding author Douglas C. Johnson, PhD; Eleni Dimoulas, PhD; C.A. Morgan, III, MD, MA; Dennis Charney, MD; and Steven Southwick, MD, “Social Support and Resilience to Stress. From Neurobiology to Clinical Practice,” Psychiatry 4, no. 5 (2007): 35–40, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/.
3. Nicholas A. Christakis, MD, PhD, MPH, and James H. Fowler, PhD, “The Spread of Obesity in a Large Social Network over 32 Years,” New England Journal of Medicine 357, (2007): 370-379, doi:10.1056/NEJMsa066082.
4. Jessica J. Chianga, Eisenbergera, Naomi I., Seemanb, Teresa E. and Taylora, Shelley E., “Negative and competitive social interactions are related to heightened proinflammatory cytokine activity,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in the United States of America 109, no. 6 (2012): 1878-1882, doi: 10.1073/pnas.1120972109.
CHAPTER SIX
1. Salvador Minuchin, Families and Family Therapy (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1974).
2. Arnett, Jeffrey Jensen, PhD and Schwab, Joseph, The Clark University Poll of Parents of Emerging Adults. 2013. http://www.clarku.edu/clark-poll-emerging-adults/pdfs/clark-university-poll-parents-emerging-adults.pdf.
3. (Joshua Coleman, pers.comm.)
4. Shona Vann, “I’ve divorced my parents (and it’s breaking my heart),” Daily Mail.com, February 2011, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1357417/Ive-divorced-parents-breaking-heart--She-blissfully-happy-childhood-So-40-writer-cut-mother-father.html#ixzz3OGUUYTvG.
5. Lise Funderburg, “Why We Break Up With Our Siblings,” TIME, December 10, 2000, http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,91424,00.html.
CHAPTER SEVEN
1. Ernest B. Harper and Arthur Duhnam, Eds. Community Organization in Action. (New York: Association Press, 1959).
2. Sarah Sentilles, “Breaking up with God,” Huffington Post.com, June, 20, 2011, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-sentilles/post_2129_b_880665.html.
3. Pew Research Center, “‘Nones’ on the Rise,” October 9, 2012, http://www.pewforum.org/2012/10/09/nones-on-the-rise/.
4. (Paul Grosswald, pers.comm.)
CHAPTER EIGHT
1. Dennis Dailey, PhD, “Circles of Sexuality,” http://www.health.state.mn.us/topics/sexualhealth/circlesofsexuality.pdf.
2. Lisa Diamond, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2009).
3. Eric Anthony Grollman. “The Kinsey Scale: It’s Purpose and Significance.” http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/kinsey-scale-purpose-significance.
4. Human Rights Campaign, “Coming Out in the Workplace, as Transgender,” http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/coming-out-in-the-workplace-as-transgender.
5. Health Communities.com, “Transgender Health & Sex Reassignment Surgery,” http://www.healthcommunities.com/transgender-health/surgery.shtml.
6. (Hanne Blank, pers. comm.)
7. Katy Winter, “‘You are married to the Lord and your daddy is your boyfriend’: Purity balls, in which girls ‘gift their virginity’ to their fathers until marriage, sweeping America,” Daily Mail.com, March 2014, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2586036/You-married-Lord-daddy-boyfriend-Purity-Balls-girls-gift-virginity-fathers-marriage-sweep-America.html.
8. Daily Mail Reporter: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2270322/Good-morning-parents-Im-gay-How-teenage-girl-came-mom-dad-homemade-cake-letter-witty-baking-puns.html
CHAPTER NINE
1. Myplan.com, “Happiness Index: 300 Careers With The Highest Job Satisfaction Ratings,” http://www.myplan.com/careers/top-ten/highest-job-satisfaction.php.
2. The Conference Board, “Job Satisfaction: 2014 Edition,” June 2014, http://www.conference-board.org/publications/publicationdetail.cfm?publicationid=2785.
CHAPTER TEN
1. Timaree Schmit, “Timaree’s Body: Why Is My Doctor Always Running Late?” PhillyNow.com, December 11, 2014, http://phillynow.com/2014/12/11/timarees-body-why-is-my-doctor-always-running-late/.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
1. Chance Allen, “4 Steps to Winning a Breakup,” Thought Catalogue, March 2014, http://thoughtcatalog.com/chance-allen/2014/03/4-steps-to-winning-a-breakup/.
2. Jessica K. Witt and Travis E. Dorsch, “Kicking to bigger uprights: Field goal kicking performance influences perceived size,” Perception 38, no. 9 (2009): 1328-1340, doi:10.1068/p6325.
3. Scapegoating Society: www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk.
CHAPTER TWELVE
1. The Huffington Post Women, “Dealing with a Breakup: 7 Healthy Ways to Cope with Post-Split Stress,” Women, Huffington Post, June 2013, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/05/dealing-with-a-breakup-7-tips_n_3389381.html.
2. Barbara L. Fredrickson, PhD, Love 2.0: Creating Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection. (New York: Hudson Street Press, 2013).
3. Radical Forgiveness, http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/.
4. Saima Noreen, Raynette N. Bierman, and Malcom D. MacLeod, “Forgiving You Is Hard, but Forgetting Seems Easy: Can Forgiveness Facilitate Forgetting?” Psychological Science 25, no. 7 (2014):1295-1302, doi: 10.1177/0956797614531602.
Acknowledgments
My deepest heartfelt gratitude to . . .
Everyone at Seal for your patience and trust, especially Laura Mazer for pushing me to find this voice and Stephanie Knapp for leading me on this journey. To all of those who helped in big and little ways—meaning everyone who shared their own experiences and break ups (on Facebook, email and phone), I appreciate your candor, stories, and struggles. Heaps of love to my family, friends, classmates and colleagues—you have always been encouraging and supportive of the many ways I continue to evolve and I am forever grateful. Krissy Eliot for your editing, proofreading, and you over all rock star support. Marcia Baczynski (www.askingforwhatyouwant.com), Kate Bornstein (www.katebornstein.typepad.com), Dr. Joshua Coleman (www.drjoshuacoleman.com), Yvette Bowlin (www.declutterist.com), Paul Grosswald, Hanne Blan
k and Timaree Schmit (www.sexwithtimaree.com) for your expert advice. To Leslie, Sara, Andy and Lauren for getting me to think about this topic. To Scott Player for your patience, understanding and help in finding the time to write this book while juggling (well, not literally) too many other things—including our infant daughter. To. S. Pirate Pearl for being the best baby a mother could ask for and for taking naps long enough to allow me to write.
About the Author
© Circe Photography
Jamye Waxman, M.Ed holds a graduate degree in sex education from Widener University. She started her professional career as a radio producer in New York City. From there, she launched into the field of human sexuality and relationships—as a sex educator, writer and media personality. She is also a sought-after-speaker and media consultant whose work has appeared in magazines including Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Playgirl and Zink. She has appeared as a sexuality and relationship expert on the pages of Heeb, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Self as well as on television: The Doctors, Playboy TV, MTV and The History Channel
Jamye is the author of Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation and the co-author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight as well as the Producer/Director of 101 Positions for Lovers. She also writes for www.gasm.org.
She is currently completing her PhD in Human Sexuality Education and a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.
She lives in Northern California and online at www.jamyewaxman.com.
SELECTED TITLES FROM SEAL PRESS
Crap Job: How to Make the Most of the Job You Hate, by Michelle Goodman. $15.00, 978-1-58005-553-6. Author Michelle Goodman offers practical advice, creative coping strategies, and much-needed comic relief for surviving the workday for the unhappily employed.
Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls, by Dr. Lana Staheli and Dr. Pepper Schwartz. $16.00, 978-1-58005-562-8. Snap Strategies for Couples offers 40 practical, immediate fixes (or “snaps”) for common problems that partners can use to end the fighting, leave the baggage behind, and move their relationships forward.
