Captured

by Myers, K. L.

  Like he can’t breathe, he clutches at his chest. “I’m sorry, Emery. So damn sorry.” His words come out between sobs. “I should have saved you. I should have—”

  Brecken picks up his ring and looks at it like it’s his worst enemy. “I wasn’t man enough to save you. Oh God, what he did to you, Em.” His voice breaks, and my heart does too. Seeing him so broken decimates me. I have no idea what happened to Emery, but it’s obviously horrible.

  “Damn it,” he sputters as he grabs the ring and launches it across the room, the metal clanging somewhere in the distance. “You should have lived a long life. I’m sorry I failed you.”

  He cries for several more minutes. I want to go to him. To tell him she knows he would have saved her if he could have, but I can’t bring myself to say things I don’t know the truth about. I’ve never asked the details of Emery’s death, and now is not the time.

  Turning, I walk quietly back to our bed and climb in. I’ll be here for him to cuddle up to when he’s ready. I’ll be here if he wants to talk or scream or say nothing at all. No matter what it is, I’m here.

  It’s the first and only time I saw Brecken cry. He thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. It’s when I realized the monster was just a man.

  Holding his ring in my hand brings the tears once more. It opens every wound that had started to heal over. I want to do the same thing Brecken did and fling that ring across the room, only I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s all I have left of him. The real him, so I place it in the one place I know it will be safe. Next to his final letter.

  A knock at the door startles me. The doorknob turns, and the door pushes open slightly. “Miss, breakfast,” Jamal speaks lightly. Just like he’s done every day for weeks now, he peeks his head through the door. “Breakfast in here as usual?”

  “No, Jamal,” I’m quick to respond. “It’s time I get out of this room.”

  “Very well. I’ll have the usual on the table for you when you are ready.”

  The door closes behind him, and I stare at the letter once more. Am I ready? Is finding the ring a sign from Brecken that it’s time to start living? Maybe the sun shining today is my sign. My heads screams, “Yes!” but my hearts shouts louder that I’m not ready. Having breakfast in the dining room is a start, but living means forgetting, and I’m not ready. Not yet.

  I strip out of my nightshirt as I make my way back to the bathroom, only the tub has lost all appeal to me now. Sitting in there will just allow my mind to wander. To remind me of all the joys I’ll never share with Brecken again, so the shower it is. Quick, fast, and easy. In and out. Just like I need it to be. Otherwise, I’m liable to crawl back into that bed and break down again. Today, I will eat breakfast outside of these four walls. I will spend time with Jamal. I will honor Brecken’s request of me.

  All we have in this world is each other. Please do not let me down and leave Jamal by himself. He needs a family just as much as you do.

  I hang my head as the water pounds down on me. I’ve done just as Brecken asked me not to do. I’ve left Jamal all alone. Brecken was his family, all he had left in the world, and I let my own misery pull me away. I shut Jamal out when he needed me most, yet he served me as if it was his duty. And just like that, I’m crying again. The tears aren’t for Brecken this time. I cry because I’ve been so selfish. I’ve thought only of my pain. That ends today. Moving forward, it’s going to be about me and Jamal. We can survive this together.

  I don’t stand in the shower long. Just enough time to wash my hair and rinse my body. I dress quickly and make my way to the dining room. Once again, I find Jamal sitting there and eating all alone. When he sees me, he stands without saying a word and leaves the room, only to return with my breakfast.

  “Thank you, Jamal,” I say as I take my seat. I can’t bring myself to eat, not just yet. I’ve got to apologize, and if I don’t say it now, I may never bring myself to say it later. “I’m sorry. Sorry that I’ve left you all alone. It was very selfish of me. I’ve let Brecken down by not doing the last thing he asked of me and let you down by not being here for you when I’m sure you needed me.”

  Jamal half smiles at me. “It’s fine, Miss. I understand how you were feeling. Mr. Wade would not be discouraged. In fact, he expected it.”

  I’m confused by Jamal’s words, needing to know exactly what he meant, so I ask, “What? How did he expect it?”

  Jamal takes his seat once again. “Eat,” he encourages me. I stare directly in his eyes for the first time ever. He allows me this one glimpse into his soul but then quickly breaks our eye contact. “Mr. Wade and I would talk about the future and you. I don’t believe he ever thought you would stay once he refused to take your life. But when you did, a part of him started to heal. He was strong, but he knew if anything ever happened to him, you wouldn’t be as strong as he was.”

  The smell of the chocolate chip pancakes makes my mouth water. It’s been awhile since Jamal has made them for me. I can’t control myself any longer, and I allow the fork to cut through the chocolatey goodness and wrap my lips around the breakfast delight. “Yummm,” I moan quietly, and Jamal laughs.

  “Mr. Wade, he worried about you all the time. He loved you. Sometimes I think more than he loved Mrs. Wade. I saw the way they looked at each other on the island. They were happy, very happy, but Mr. Wade’s eyes were always bright and carefree. The look in his eyes he had for you was so different. His eyes when he looked at you were on fire. You sparked something in him that had been missing, something he would never be able to live without.”

  “I find that hard to believe, Jamal.”

  “It’s true. He even told me, if anything happened to him, I was not allowed to let you down. It was okay to let you mourn, but if you didn’t snap out of it after a month or so, I had instructions to force you to get over him.”

  I reach out and place my hand on Jamal’s arm. “Still controlling even after he’s gone.”

  Jamal looks at me, then quickly diverts his gaze. “Tomorrow, you will go with me grocery shopping. It’s time you got out of the house.”

  29

  An Unexpected Surprise

  Willow

  For the past two months, Jamal and I have developed a routine. Breakfast is followed by daily exercises. Jamal reminds me that Brecken was a firm believer that a fit body leads to a healthy mind. God knows my mind is anything but healthy. I still can’t bring myself to open the final letter. I’m not ready to fully live. That means placing Brecken’s memory in a box and tucking it away somewhere, so that I don’t hurt anymore. The hurt is what is helping me fight every day. The hurt reminds me that without Brecken here, only I can save myself.

  For the fifth morning in a row, I find myself on my knees, praying to the porcelain god. I want to believe that I’m coming down with a stomach virus, but I know the truth. Deep down inside I know it isn’t a sickness. Everything in my body tells me I’m pregnant.

  It’s funny how life works out. I wasn’t ready to have children with Abe, and now God is punishing me to have a child on my own. It doesn’t matter that I felt awful because he was ready and I wasn’t. That I wished I could be. God didn’t care. He took both the men I loved and has left me in an impossible situation.

  I never thought about getting pregnant with Brecken. He knew I worried I couldn’t be a good mother. I knew he worried he spilled so much blood his sins would flow over to his child. We didn’t want to fuck up a kid because we were fucked up. Isn’t it ironic that this would be his parting gift to me? Someone to carry on his legacy.

  How the hell am I going to raise a child?

  I’ve let my writing go the past couple of years, and although I still get royalties from my books and movies, it’s not enough to keep this massive house going for long. I sure as hell can’t take care of Jamal too. The only thing going in my favor is, the house is paid off. A mortgage payment for a house this size would have us on the streets well before this baby comes into the world.

  So, l
ost in my own thought, I don’t hear Jamal enter my room, but there he is standing in the doorway to the bathroom when I stand to wash my mouth out. “Miss, are you going to be okay? Can I get you anything?”

  I attempt a smile as I look at him. “I’m fine. I need to make a trip into town today.”

  “I’ll be waiting downstairs for you when you are ready.”

  Jamal leaves the room, and as I turn to leave the bathroom, memories assault me. The few times Brecken entered me bare rip through my mind, and anger courses through me so hot, I’m afraid I’ll incinerate myself and my unborn baby. That son of a bitch.

  Damn you, Brecken! Was this your plan all along? Did you want to get me pregnant? Teach me another of life's lessons? I want to believe it was an accident, but Brecken never left anything to chance.

  “How could you do this to me?” I shake my fist at the ceiling as I unload my anger at him. “How could you? You knew I didn’t want this.”

  I take a few minutes to get myself under control before going down to meet Jamal. I’m not ready to tell him what’s going on. I need to know for sure, and then I can figure out what to do.

  Jamal is standing at the window watching the snow fall when I enter the room. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Miss?” he speaks, never turning to look at me.

  “I suppose,” I say, dismissing his question. “Are you ready to go? I’d like to take care of my business and get back before the weather gets too bad outside.”

  “Of course. Would you like me to call Dr. Price and ask him to meet us back here later today?” Jamal asks casually as he passes by me en route to the front door.

  “Why would you ask that?”

  Jamal reaches for the keys, taking them from the hanging hook. “I’m not a fool. You’re pregnant. So, I’ll ask again, should I call Dr. Price?” He tugs the door open and walks away.

  I dash after him, closing the door behind me. “You’re being preposterous.” I don’t mean to be rude, but him blurting that out has me losing my cool.

  Jamal holds the door to the Escalade open for me. “Am I?” He closes the door, walks around to the driver’s side, and climbs in. “You think I don’t pay attention,” he states as he places the keys in the ignition. “But it’s quite the opposite.” His voice is smug with indignation. “You’ve been sick every morning this week. Your eating habits have changed tremendously. And you’re starting to fill out your clothing much better.”

  “Okay, stop right there,” I scoff. “Just because I’ve been hungry more often doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. And I take offense to you calling me fat. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that women do not like to be told they’re overweight?”

  Jamal places his foot on the brake, bringing us to a complete stop before he looks in my direction. “I never said you are fat. I merely explained that I noticed you have fit better into your clothing.” The light changes, and we begin to move once again. “I am not foolish. I see the signs clearly. You, on the other hand, have been so consumed by your loss that you have ignored the signs. You simply stumble your way through every day as if you are going through the motions of living.”

  Wow, don’t hold back or anything, I think as his statement smacks me upside the head. Have I truly been that oblivious? I try and remember what I’ve done over the last few months aside from eating, sleeping, and crying, and I come up empty. Jamal is correct. I have been going through the motions. I know I’ve had conversations with him regularly, but I can’t seem to remember the topics that we’ve spoken of. The car comes to a stop in front of Walgreens. Jamal puts the car in park and reaches to turn the ignition off.

  “Just wait here, Jamal. I’ll only be a minute.”

  I run in and toss several pregnancy tests into my hand basket. I make my way around the corner to the vitamin aisle and toss in a couple of bottles of prenatal vitamins, because as much as I’d like to deny it, I can’t. I am pregnant. These tests are just to say I did my due diligence.

  Jamal says nothing as I climb back into the Escalade. He puts the vehicle in drive and proceeds to bring us home. The snow is falling heavier by the time we arrive. The ground is completely covered in white, but that doesn’t stop me. I make my way through the yard, walking through the few remaining evergreen trees until I reach the small clearing that holds the remains of Brecken Wade. A small headstone sits in place, where someday, Jamal and I will place a proper memorial to his life. Neither of us can agree on what that will be, so until such time, we’ve agreed to wait.

  A few tears pool in my eyes, then cascade down my face. “Why, Brecken?” I say aloud. “What was your plan? Did you think I wouldn’t be angry when this happened to me?” God, he’s so infuriating even in the afterlife. “How can I possibly provide for a child… our child? I can’t do this without you.”

  I stand in silence for a bit, my toes cold from the snow, begging for warmth. I’m waiting for something, some sort of sign to let me know everything is going to be just fine. Only that sign never comes. I walk back to the house completely defeated.

  30

  Back to the Living

  Willow

  I peed on every plastic stick I purchased. Six white tubes rest on the counter, waiting for the countdown to end. Jamal stands patiently with me, just as I asked him to. A smug smile plasters his face, as if he’s saying ‘This is a waste of time.’ We do already know the answer, but I still want to do this.

  When the second hand reaches twelve, indicating the necessary time has elapsed, one by one, I read the results. Six sets of positive lie before me. I look up at Jamal, and he’s smiling big as a Cheshire cat back at me.

  Then he turns and walks out of the room. I was waiting for the “I told you so,” but he’s not petty like me. His smile said it all loud and clear. He’s happy. So, I follow behind him, stopping at the chest of drawers where he stopped. I know what he wants from me, and I want it too. I’m ready.

  I reach down and take the envelope that has been staring at me for months. OPEN WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LIVE AGAIN. I read the handwriting once more and then decide it’s time.

  Willow,

  I’m so proud of you for finally opening this letter. I knew you had it in you to fight back. Never once did I doubt your strength, though I’m sure you did. So, tell me, how long did it take you? Anything longer than two months, and I’ll be disappointed.

  For Christ sakes, even from the grave he’s a bossy ass. I shake my head with a smile on my face. He’s right. I wallowed longer than I should have. Maybe I was waiting for the surprise in my belly. Maybe I needed someone else to live for.

  It’s time, Willow, time for you to do great things again. Time to forget about me and move on with your life. I wish I were there to share in all the wonderful things you’re going to accomplish. Write, sweet girl, write until you fill the pages of your next novel. Write a love story like no other. Show that Nicholas Sparks what it’s really like to love someone. You’ve got it in you. Keep chanting the mantra of the little train “I know I can, I know I can.” Write it for me.

  Don’t worry about money. I couldn’t share this with you in the first letter because you weren’t ready to hear it. And don’t be mad at Jamal for keeping it a secret. I told him it was not his place to share this information with you. I trust the boy. He’s always been loyal to me.

  Are you sitting down? You probably should. Actually, you should. Go sit, Willow. Trust me on this one.

  I stop reading for a moment and sit on the edge of the bed. Obedient as always. A stray tear drops from my eye at the thought of how much this man has impacted my life. I wonder how he would feel knowing he was going to be a father.

  Everything that I have is yours. Except for a sizeable bank account that I left for Jamal. The house, the cars, all my investments. They amount to billions, and I ensured that once I passed, Jamal would have transferred them into your name. I didn’t want you to have to want for anything. I never did.

  Live, Willow. Live, love, laugh, and be happy. It's all I’ve ev
er wanted for you. Well, that and a family. I wanted to start a family with you. I guess I’ve let you down once again. I love you more than I could have possibly shown you. You brought my soul back to life without even knowing your impact. You see, even this monster has a soul.

  I’m just sorry we never had our happy ending, but you will. Promise me, you will find your happy ending. Don’t be afraid to love and take risks. I promise they will be worth it.

  Remember, happily ever after can be found even after you’ve suffered great loss. I was better for knowing you, and I pray I left you in that world better for having known me. Find your happy ending.

  I loved you in that world, and I’ll love you in this one.

  Until we are reunited,

  Brecken

  I can’t contain the tears any longer. I cry for my broken heart, for the child that grows within me, who will never know their father, and for the loss of the one person who broke me, made me whole, and then left me all alone to survive being broken once again.

  31

  Acceptance

  Willow

  Days have turned into weeks, and weeks into months, yet I still can’t accept that a little life is growing inside of me. My baby bump keeps growing larger and larger, but I refuse to see Dr. Price. Seeing him will make it real.

  Brecken wanted me to live, and I’m trying. The words started flowing slowly, and before I knew it, I had outlined my next great love story... our love story. It was a step toward finding the woman Brecken told me was buried inside. But seeing the doctor means mingling with the outside world. I’m not ready for the questions. To answer about the baby. I’m not ready to handle the world.