And it reminds me of the suffering my heart’s endured because I wasn’t what Nicholas Cain wanted.
It’s why I was so careful to send things to the Jacks they’d appreciate when I began sorting through Jed’s things. The Jacks were a huge part of him—his brothers. And I needed to know if his brother had given him an inkling about me so I could move on with life. Not finding it, I searched for the answer within myself.
Then, I found the journals.
And here we are.
“Yes, I guess it is.”
Nicholas
Warm Up’s still hopping as the door opens and closes multiple times by the time Brad slows enough to drop me at exactly ten the next morning. “Just give the house a call if Maris can’t drop you off,” he calls when I slide from his SUV.
“Got it. Thanks.” Making my way inside, I pause almost immediately as soon as my feet cross the threshold. There’s a significant line ahead of me, which I scan looking for a specific head of mahogany hair. I frown wondering if she’s late when I hear a voice just behind me as the line shifts forward.
“Excuse me. If I could get past you to the guy in the blue coat right in front of you? I appreciate it.” Maris squeezes around a couple who snuck in behind me while I was searching for her. Her eyes are covered by sunglasses. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Her long hair falls around her shoulders like bolts of silk. Like every other time I’ve ever been in her presence, I want to sink my fingers into it and tip her face up to plunder her mouth. I clear my throat. “Sleep well?”
“No.”
“That’s too bad. I slept like a rock.”
The line shifts forward, but Maris doesn’t move. “Nick, tell me now. Are we here to have an actual conversation or to exchange banalities? If it’s the latter, I’m getting in my car and going back to my warm bed.”
Because that’s exactly what my dick needs, to think of Maris in bed. “We’re having a real discussion. I just don’t want to in here.”
“Boy, had this better be worth it,” she mutters.
“And one of the things we’re talking about is this problem you have with me,” I declare as the line moves forward again. I grasp her elbow.
“Problem? Me?” she sputters. “I’ve treated you the exact same way I have for years.”
“I’m well aware. And we have issues.”
“When did you come to this conclusion?” Maris snaps. Then she rubs her head. “I’m sorry. I need some caffeine and sugar. I’m good with no sleep if I have them.”
I’m not really sure I want to know how she figured that out.
The line surges forward again. We’re seconds from ordering. Just as a cashier opens up, I look down into her indigo eyes and mutter, “Do the words ‘baby’ and ‘adoption’ mean anything to you?” Stepping up to the cashier while Maris gapes behind me, I give a big smile. “Hi. I’d like a large Americano.”
Maris bumps my hip as she comes up next to me. The cashier asks, “Anything else? Oh. Hey, Maris. Didn’t see you there. You were too quiet.”
“I’ll pay you any amount of money for a pot of steaming hot liquid to throw, Cayleigh.”
The girl giggles. “Rough morning?”
Glaring up at me, she says, “I’m over my head already.”
“So, a large double caramel macchiato with extra, extra caramel, extra vanilla?” the cashier offers.
Maris gives it a lot of consideration before nodding. “Plus, a cookie. There’s no way I’m going to survive this without a cookie.”
I’m agog over the amount of sugar Maris is about to consume, but I don’t question it. If it sweetens her disposition at all, I’m willing to go out and buy a bag of turbinado and spoon-feed it to her myself. Damn, now I have images of doing just that floating in my mind. Leaning down and wrapping my tongue around her nipple before dusting it with the sugar crystals. Then I’d lean down and suck the entire thing back into my mouth…
I whip out my card to pay.
The cashier smiles at us both. “Your order will be right up.”
We wait for a few moments for our drinks and Maris’s cookie before she jerks her head to the rear of the building. Since I’m not certain whether or not Maris is going to throw the sticky substance at me, I warily follow her. But when we reach the back, I’m pleasantly surprised to find a courtyard that only has a few people in it. “How did I never know this was back here?”
Maris snorts before taking her first sip. She sighs in bliss. “That’s because you’re never in town long enough to actually spend time here, Nick. You’re like a captain with a storm off the sea. To protect yourself, you run the very minute you’re threatened whereas the rest of us band together to fight whatever it is were being threatened with.”
I had just been about to take a drink, but instead I lower my coffee to the table without taking a single sip. “Excuse me?”
Maris opens her mouth but closes it again just as fast. She reaches out to grab the bag with her cookie, but I snag her hand. “What is your problem, Sunshine?”
“Don’t call me that, please.”
I’m taken aback by the hurt in her voice. “Okay. Maris, tell me what I’ve done. We used to be friends.”
For a moment, her blue eyes widen before she bursts out laughing. “Oh, Nick. We’ve never been friends. Your friendship with the guys and how you conduct it is your own business.”
“Gee, thanks,” I drawl, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“But you don’t get to come to my home and question me about major life decisions. I demand more from the people in my life.”
“Like what? Explain things to me. I may not be one of your girls, Maris, but I am your friend.” She snorts and I find myself mildly insulted. “Hey, listen, if it’s because I’m a man, I’m sorry. I can’t change my sex to make this easier on you. Though, frankly, you wouldn’t want me to,” I goad her.
Maris reaches for her cookie and this time takes a large bite. She swallows and her head lowers. When it lifts, my dick tightens immediately. Her lids are at half-mast as she peers at me. Her lips are glossy, but there’s a little icing stuck in the corner of her mouth. I want to spend hours licking it away.
“Holy shit.” The words escape me before I can control them.
“And that, right there, is why we’ve never been friends and we’ll never be friends.” Between one blink and another, Maris morphs back into the woman who greeted me like a curmudgeon at the door. Shoving another bite of cookie in her mouth, she chews before saying, “I’m just surprised you acknowledged it after all these years.”
I lean forward. “So, that little performance was what? To prove you could make me want you?”
She shrugs, seemingly indifferent. “That was your own fault for coming up to me like that at the bar last night. What the hell was up with that?”
I have no damn idea. Brad certainly chewed a bite out of my ass when I did it, especially since he told me before I went over to be on my best behavior since Rainey had let him know the person she was sitting with was from the state adoption agency. “Maybe I was just annoyed because everyone else knew about you and this whole adoption thing before me? When you know there’s likely something I could do to help you?”
Maris snorts. “Sorry, Nick. Your name’s not going to shoot glitter rainbows in this instance. Mrs. G. didn’t even know who you were until Rainey and I told her last night. So, I guess there’s at least two females who don’t melt at the very sight of you.” She takes a long drink of her coffee in satisfaction.
“Who’s the first?” When she splutters her coffee all over the courtyard, I grin. I can’t help it.
“Me, you ass! That’s who! Now, when I get back, you’d better be ready to tell me what you’re really doing here other than trying to ruin a dream for me.” Maris grabs napkins from the holder and begins to dab at her chin before standing and collecting her garbage.
Just as she’s about to pass me, I touch her arm briefly. “A dream, Sunshine?”
&nbs
p; She doesn’t even take umbrage with the nickname. “The biggest one I’ve dared to have in a long while, Nick.”
“Then come back and tell me about it. And yes, I’ll tell you why I’m in Juneau.”
Her angry expression softens to the one I remember from so many summers. She reaches over and squeezes my shoulder. “I’m still pissed because you annoy me, but I’ve missed the real you, Nick.”
As she stomps off, I say low enough so she won’t hear, “I miss you too. Even though you won’t let yourself believe me.”
When Maris gets back, she reaches for her phone. Unlocking it, her fingers fly until she turns it around to face me. “This is David.”
I pick up her phone. “He appears happy.” Then again, who wouldn’t with Maris Smith’s arms wrapped around them, I think wistfully.
“I hope to make him happier.”
“Come on, this fighter is a former Jack?” Maris lifts a jean-clad leg up and wraps her arm around it.
“Maris, I swear to you, there’s no way for me to make this up. Look.” I pull up Reece’s information from my email and turn my phone around.
“Hmm. Not bad stats. His ground game needs some work.”
My shock almost topples me off the picnic bench to the stone patio. “You know what you’re reading?”
The filthy look I receive when she hands me the phone back is my only answer before Maris ignores my question by picking up her second cup of coffee. “I could live on Warm Up’s coffee. Best thing that ever happened to Juneau was when they opened.”
I’ve already been back inside for round two of coffee, dialing back the sugar for Maris at her request. “I will agree with you 110 percent on that.” This time, I’m the one eating as I couldn’t pass up the freshly baked triple-nut bread. I break off a piece and pop it into my mouth. “Christ, I’m going to have to run this off later.”
“Make sure you get a tourist pass if you plan on staying for any length of time,” Maris advises me. “Then you can hit the trails in the parks.”
“Thanks for the suggestion.” I put my phone away. “I don’t know how long I’m going to be in town, but I’d like to spend some time with you.”
“Why?” Her brows draw together in confusion.
My fingers brush against one another, removing the residue of food, before I reach inside my shirt for the chain I was bequeathed. “I never take it off.” My voice is raspy. It’s something we haven’t talked about yet, but it’s the largest issue between us.
Jed.
Her eyes flick back and forth between mine and the gold cross that used to grace the neck of every man in her family. She swallows hard. “And did you find what he wanted you to? Did you realize you saved yourself? It wasn’t your friendship with Jed that did that?”
I shake my head. “Because, to say the Jacks, that Jed, had no role in that is a disservice. It’s like fight night. There’s the guy fighting in the ring, sure, but there are three guys allowed in your corner—and one of them is mandatory and assigned. The cutman assigned to you has a huge job to get the blood stopping, to decrease the swelling on the fighter’s face.”
“What does this have to do with…”
I continue. “Then there’s the other two guys. Those are the guys you pick. The people at your back because you want them there. Typically your trainer and your coach. But if we look at this fight like it’s life, maybe Jed was there to be my cutman. Maybe he was assigned by someone to be the person to help get the blood off of me—metaphorically—so I could kick a little ass. And it’s up to me to pick the people to be in my corner. That’s the part that’s faith, Maris.”
I sit back and wait for her reaction.
“Who else is in your corner?” she asks, her voice softer than I’ve heard it in close to twenty years.
“The guys. The thing is, I can’t separate them. They’re a collective to me. Jed was different because he patched up wounds and didn’t give a shit if he hurt me in the process—the sign of an excellent cutman.”
Her head tilts to the side. “And the other? Where else do you want to put your faith, Nicholas? Who do you trust enough to have at your back?”
The answer comes to me without hesitation. “You. You’re the only other person who knows everything about me and who still would get up on little sleep, despite how infuriated she might be with me. I figure that has to be a sign of faith.”
“Oh, Nick.” Maris blows out a long breath.
“I promise I’ll work harder at this, us. Friends. We’ll be friends.” That word when it comes to this remarkable beauty feels repugnant in my mouth, but I’ll do anything to have her in my life. “Maris, there’s a lot to heal between us—most of it because of me.”
A hiccuping sob escapes her. Fuck, this isn’t going how I wanted it to go. “But give me a chance to make things up to you. Starting with that night in Vegas.”
“Christ, Nick. You’re really trying to do me in.” Maris lets go of her leg and puts both of her hands in front of her face.
“If I never get another chance to apologize, I…”
“Nick, Vegas wasn’t your fault.” Maris flips her head back. Her eyes are red, but no tears are falling. “It was mine for misunderstanding your letter. So, what I can’t understand is why you would want to have me at your back. Especially since Jed died.” Her face is tragic, as if it’s the early days when we all first lost Jed. God, has she been mourning him alone like this the whole time?
We’ve known each other half our lives, and I never thought the day would come when Maris Smith sat in front of me a stranger. But right now, that’s exactly what she is.
Because I don’t know who this broken woman is.
Maris
“My father used to mutter — out of Maris’s earshot — if Nick ever got his head out of his ass about my sister, either they’d end up together or the world was going to end. There was no in-between.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I want you at my back?” Suddenly a burst of laughter from another table draws Nick’s ire. “We can’t talk about this here. Where can we go?”
Disoriented, I look around as if a portal to somewhere is immediately going to open, when Nick grabs my hand and drags me from the bench. “No. I know the perfect spot. And God knows, he’ll love listening in on our conversation.”
Whether it’s all the sugar I’ve consumed or the weight of intuition, I immediately know where he means. Once we clear the front door of Warm Up, I tug at the grip Nick has on my wrist. He stops moving immediately. “What is it, Maris?” His voice is as broken as my heart feels.
“I need…”
“What?” When I don’t answer right away, he prompts me. “Tell me.”
Without a word, I turn away from him and walk to the flower store next door to Warm Up.
I never visit my brother’s grave without bringing him a fresh bouquet.
Nick catches up and I push the door open. The door opens with a tinkling of bells that doesn’t seem to annoy me as much today as it normally does. Beth steps out from the back, wiping her hands on her apron. “Oh, good morning, Maris. Do you need a bouquet today?”
“Please, Beth. Do you mind if we wait?”
“Not a problem. It will just take a few moments.”
Soon, Nick and I are walking through the iron gates of the cemetery toward Jed—technically Jed and Dean’s—resting spot. With a clear view of the sea, it’s the perfect place for Jed to be laid to rest. I lead the way at the end, stopping off to pick up a new flower holder and filling it with water.
Nick doesn’t say a word until I’ve placed the flowers to the side. Then I sit down, drawing my knees up and burying my head against them. What he finally says burns through my soul. “How can you absolve me from that night, Maris? I hurt you and I never meant to.” Aching sadness permeates his voice.
I lift my head, and instead of focusing on Jed’s tombstone which is what I normally see when I sit right here, the first thing I f
ocus on are Nick’s jean-clad legs. Behind him is the swirling sea. “All I found that night was the truth, Nick.”
“Which was?” His voice is a low growl.
“I followed where my heart led. Yours wasn’t there. I was wrong to have blamed you for that—punished you for it. I’m sorry for being so brutal. I’ve wanted to say that for a long time.” Some part of me feels clean sitting here saying the things I should have long ago in front of my brother.
After all, he thought them about me. His journals said so.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch his jeans shifting until he’s squatting in front of me. Resting his hands on my knees, he draws my attention from the tumultuous sea. I twist my head just as his mouth opens. Expecting him to accept my apology, I’m shocked when his first word is “Bullshit.”
I blink. It takes me a moment before I manage, “Excuse me?”
“You didn’t read that letter wrong, Maris. I agonized for hours over how to write it so it didn’t come off that I was begging you to fly down and see the fight—I wanted you there so damn badly. I wanted you to see that I’d done it. And then I was going to claim you.”
Clean anger whips through me. I shove Nick back on his ass hard as I scramble to my feet. “You bastard! Then what the fuck happened, Nicholas? Couldn’t wait until I got through security to sink your cock into something?”
“No! What happened was someone decided to grill me during the interviews about my damned past. And it made me realize—again—I wasn’t good enough for you,” he roars as he surges to his feet.
Whirling around, I yell to my brother’s tombstone, “Do you believe this crock of shit?” I begin to pace back and forth. I feel a pang of empathy for the groundskeeper for the work they’re going to have to do on repairing the wear and tear on the grass.
“He should as I told him the next morning.” Nick’s voice is calm.
That halts my stride as I’m pivoting. “Excuse me?”
“Jed knew. I told him the freaking media circus it became once that damn reporter opened the door. He ripped me a new asshole about how I decided to handle my—how did he put it? ‘Emotional turmoil’ was the phrase, but…”
Return by Sea (Glacier Adventure Series Book 3) Page 10
