Ashley realized something. Erin and Sam would be going back but not Luke and Reagan or Dayne. Luke and Reagan were looking for a house south of Indianapolis, where in December Luke would start his new job as a full-fledged attorney handling Dayne’s affairs for the firm there. It was a dream position, and Dayne was paying extra so Luke’s salary would be far more than the usual starting pay.
Ashley glanced at the other table. Luke and Dayne were caught up in some funny bit of conversation. The two looked so much alike, and now they had the beginning of something more, a bond that deep inside both of them had always wanted.
Again Ashley thought of their mother and how she would’ve loved this weekend, everything about it. She would’ve been standing at the front of the crowd of people in the backyard of the lake house waiting to welcome Dayne and Katy as they arrived from Los Angeles, and she would have added her own decorative touches to make the house a home. Here, now, she would’ve been practically bursting with joy. Dayne and Luke, her two sons, were at peace and at home, where they both belonged.
I hope You’ll give her a way to see this, Lord . . . to know that everything’s working out the way she always prayed it would.
Ashley sighed and finished her dinner. At the next table, her dad was saying, “. . . and then we walk through the cosmetic section of some department store, and this woman practically ropes Elaine into a demonstration of lip stain, whatever that is.”
“I could’ve gotten away, but I have to admit . . . I was curious about any kind of makeup with the word stain in it.” Elaine allowed a quiet laugh. She wasn’t nearly as talkative as their mother had been, but she laughed easily.
Ashley had noticed, and the fact that she liked to laugh reminded her that Elaine was good for their father. Even if her presence still felt strangely out of place. She gritted her teeth and swallowed the sorrow welling inside her heart.
When the dinner was over, the guys made good on their promise. They took care of the dishes while Ashley and the rest of the women joined their father in the family room. A few of the younger kids played on the floor while everyone else settled into the chairs and sofas.
“I’m stuffed.” Kari held her hand against her stomach. “I can never get enough of Mom’s mashed potatoes.” As soon as she said the words, a look of alarm filled her face, as if maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned their mother with Elaine sitting here.
Elaine crossed her legs. Her expression looked unfazed. “You’re right.” She aimed her comment at Kari but not in spite. Her tone was kind and gentle. “I’ve always loved your mom’s mashed potatoes. In fact, I use her recipe at home.”
Across the room, Kari visibly relaxed. “Me too.”
“Everyone loved how your mom cooked, Kari.”
“Yes.” Their dad’s eyes were wistful. Not at all the way they would’ve been if he had feelings for Elaine.
Ashley studied him. Maybe she was making more of his relationship with Elaine than was actually there. Cole and the older kids were at the dining room table coloring, and Ashley was about to ask Brooke more about the Hot Shots basketball.
But Katy moved to the edge of her seat. “Dayne and I are meeting with a wedding coordinator tomorrow in Indianapolis.”
In the blur of being in charge of Dayne and Katy’s house renovation and trying to finish the surprise before Thanksgiving, Ashley hadn’t had time alone with Katy since they’d been back. “So the wedding’s in Indianapolis.”
“No.” Katy smiled. “That’s just to throw off the paparazzi. We don’t want the press to find out, so we’re working with a woman Dayne knows from Hollywood. She’s the best at keeping things a secret.”
Ashley tried to imagine how Katy must feel. Just a few years ago she had been running the children’s theater group in town with no romantic prospects on the horizon. And now she was engaged to America’s heartthrob. Ashley smiled at her future sister-in-law. Talk about a fairy-tale ending.
“Where’s the wedding, then?” Brooke had a cup of coffee in her hands. She looked at peace, something she’d been missing for years. But now that she and Peter shared a strong faith and had come so far with Hayley, there was a quiet wisdom to Brooke. And a lightheartedness that had never been there before.
The smell of warm pumpkin pie drifted into the family room. Katy grinned and lifted her hands. “We have no idea. We’ll talk about that when we meet this lady.”
“We’ll help keep it a secret.” Ashley glanced at her sisters and found approval all the way around the room. “We pulled off your home makeover without letting the press find out. Just tell us what to do for the wedding.”
“Thanks, Ash.” Katy couldn’t have sounded more sincere. Their eyes met and held. “You have no idea how much that meant to Dayne and me. The house was on the verge of collapse, and now . . . well, now it looks brand-new.” She looked around. “We’ll never forget what you all did for us.”
“That reminds me.” Ashley felt her excitement building. “We need to plan a wedding shower.”
Reagan had been quiet, but now she perked up. “We should have a special gathering like the one you threw for me in New York City.”
“What was it like?” Elaine was caught up in the conversation. She didn’t know any of them very well, and she probably saw this as a chance, a beginning.
“It was the most precious time.” Reagan’s eyes shone with the memory. “Everyone shared a Scripture that meant something to them, one that would be helpful for Luke and me once we were married.”
“I like that.” Katy’s face took on a dreamy look. “I still can’t believe we’re getting married. Even after everything that’s stood in our way.”
“At my daughter’s shower, we had every guest bring a single page with the secret to marital bliss.” Elaine uncrossed her legs and tucked her feet neatly beneath her chair. “We took the letters and placed them into a scrapbook.”
“Oooh, that’s good too.” Katy looked at the others. “Hearing what’s worked over the years. That would be priceless.”
Erin and Kari agreed that a book of thoughts and advice on marriage would be a perfect theme for the shower. Reagan added that maybe they could do both—a presentation of a special Bible verse and the single page of advice.
Ashley wanted to be excited. Elaine’s idea was good and romantic, but somehow it made Ashley ache again from missing her mother. This moment—with Dayne finally home and about to begin his married years—should’ve been shared with their mother. She had been instrumental in pulling together Reagan’s shower. She had even written Luke a poem the night before his wedding. It focused on how quickly a child grows up and how the little lasts in life can often go unnoticed.
A lump formed in Ashley’s throat. Never mind that Reagan was laughing about how she had been scared to death before her wedding, not sure if the Baxter women would like her, and never mind that Erin was saying as long as she had a few weeks’ notice she could take a few days to come back to Bloomington for the shower and help with the wedding plans.
The atmosphere around the room was vibrant, the way Ashley had felt just a few minutes ago. But now, in her own corner, a wave of tears fought for release. Was she the only one missing Mom? Her dad was saying that if they had a luncheon shower, maybe Elaine could help with the cooking, and Ashley wanted to shout no. That could never do—having Elaine help in a place where only Ashley’s mother should be.
Suddenly Ashley couldn’t take another minute. The planning and excitement, as if their mother never existed. She needed to be alone, to wrestle with her feelings and find a way to come out on top, in control before she broke down. She forced a smile and swallowed her sadness. “I’ll be back.” Then she passed the kitchen and headed upstairs to the bedroom at the far end of the house, her parents’ bedroom.
The box of letters from her mother was still on the shelf in the closet, but she wouldn’t look for it, wouldn’t bring it down. Everything in the box belonged to her father. He had said he’d put together a scrapbook
of letters when he had the time. Ashley had learned her lesson before—the box was off-limits.
But the bed wasn’t. The bed where her mother had lain dying of cancer just a few years ago.
Ashley sat on her mother’s side and put her hand on the pillow. “Mom . . . I miss you. . . . Why aren’t you here?”
Her whisper was the softest sound, caught in a cry that came from deep inside her. She ran her hand over the cotton pillowcase. This was where her mother had helped Ashley plan her wedding, where she had told her how grateful she was that Landon was finally going to be part of the family. It was where, on a day when her mother wasn’t feeling so weak, she had done up the buttons of Ashley’s wedding gown, one button at a time.
They had bonded here, connected at a deep level. And all the while Ashley had prayed for a miracle—that her mother might beat cancer and live to see not only the wedding but the lives of her children unfold around her.
The tears came then, streams of them. Hot and tender, they trickled down her cheeks as her eyes remained fixed on the pillow. Her mother should’ve seen the birth of Devin and the way her town had picked up the pieces after the tornado last spring. She should’ve been at Dayne’s side after his accident, and she should’ve been at the front of the group of people when Dayne and Katy came home from Hollywood to their new house on the lake.
She should’ve held Hayley’s hand as she walked outside with the other children—slower, yes, but so miraculously healed that she no longer needed a wheelchair or even a walker. Little Hayley, whom her mother had prayed for day and night. The miracle was happening, but Mom wasn’t here to see it.
Ashley closed her eyes and imagined the scene downstairs. Here they were planning a wedding and a shower for Katy Hart, celebrating the astounding faithfulness of God to bring Dayne into their lives—and not just for a meeting but forever.
She hugged herself and wished that one more time her mother could hold her, rock her, and tell her everything was going to be okay. But instead, downstairs in the seat next to her father was a woman who didn’t really belong. She was her father’s friend, but the way they looked today during dinner was too much like . . . too much like the way he’d looked with her mother. Comfortable and happy and connected . . .
But not in love. Certainly not.
Her father would never really love anyone the way he’d loved her mother. Or would he? Was it even possible that somewhere not too far down road he would call his kids and make the announcement that he was starting over, trying love one more time with Elaine Denning? Friendship was one thing. She was glad her father had a friend, truly glad. But love?
A sick feeling welled up inside her. A feeling that had come over her several times in the past week.
If that happened, they could never look at their father and see Mom at his side—the way Ashley still saw her. If Elaine was there, then the picture would change entirely. It would be Dad and Elaine, not Dad and Mom. And even though Mom was gone, that would feel like betrayal. Ashley was sure it would feel that way to all the Baxter kids. Their parents had been so tightly knit that no one could ever take their place with each other.
But if her dad made that decision, there was nothing any of them could do about it. So maybe that was what frightened Ashley now, what made her sad. Maybe they’d shared their last holidays with Dad sitting alone at the head of the table, wandering outside after dinner to stand at the porch railing and stare across the Baxter property the way he did whenever he missed Mom.
With Elaine here, it was as if they’d all moved on. Another wave of tears filled her eyes and made its way down her cheeks. That was the hardest part, really. She wasn’t ready to move on, and the truth was, she didn’t have a choice. If her dad was ready to start a new season—with someone who could quickly become more than a friend—then Ashley could only accept that fact.
She lowered her face to her mother’s pillow and pressed her forehead against the cool case. Her mother had been right here in this very spot. She’d loved here, and she’d fought for another day here. “God . . . why?”
There was a sound at the door, but Ashley didn’t want to move, didn’t want anyone to see she was crying. She allowed herself to go limp, and she wrapped her arms around the pillow and beneath it. She felt tired and more emotional than she’d been in months. The door opened, and someone came into the room. “Who is it?” Her voice was muffled. She figured it was her father, wondering what she was doing.
“Ashley?” But instead, the voice was Landon’s. He must’ve seen her climb the stairs. He sat beside her and put his hand on the small of her back. “What’s wrong, baby?”
She sniffed and sat up, her shoulders slumped. She looked at him and saw again the unconditional love, the love that told her it didn’t matter why she was crying. He was there for her regardless. She put her arms around his neck and leaned her head on his chest. “I miss her.”
“Ah, honey . . . I had a feeling.” He ran his hand along her back, soothing the pain inside her. “I watched you at dinner and in the other room with the women. Every time you were quiet, I thought you might be thinking of her.”
“It’s Elaine.” Ashley squeezed her eyes shut, and the sorrow inside her built. “I want her to feel accepted, but . . . when she’s here, I can’t see Mom.” She lifted her head and looked into Landon’s eyes. “You know?”
“Mmm-hmm.” He kissed her forehead.
That’s what it was, why today had been so hard. Saying good-bye to their mother had been one thing, but her memory would live on in the rooms of the Baxter house, in the familiar places and chairs and moments. But with Elaine around, everything changed. Almost as if her mother had been replaced.
Ashley pressed her cheek against her husband’s chest again and allowed a few quiet sobs. “I miss her . . . so much.”
Landon could’ve told her that missing someone was normal or that it was time to move on. He could’ve said that God had at least blessed them with all the wonderful years they had with her mother, and he could’ve said that her dad deserved this time with Elaine, time to find friendship and companionship and even possibly something more. All of those things were true.
But all he did was hold her and let her cry.
Ashley savored the warmth of his body against hers, the way their hearts connected without a word. Because sometimes a heart needed to grieve so it wouldn’t shrivel up and die from sadness. Tears were a way to bring new life to a soul barren from loss. And Landon—in his uncanny ability to love—understood this.
Which was one more reason why Ashley would love him until the day she died.
John was aware that Ashley hadn’t returned and also that Landon had gone after her. As far as he could tell, none of his other daughters had registered her absence. Which was just as well. All night it had been clear that Ashley wasn’t herself. Whatever was going on in her heart, Landon was the best one to help her through it.
John figured Ashley was struggling with Elaine’s presence this evening, but he could only pray for her in that matter. Recently she had made great progress in accepting his friend, but the holidays were bound to be hard. Not just for her but for all of them. Tonight none of the others seemed troubled, and only Erin had pulled him aside and asked if something serious was going on.
“Are you and Elaine . . . seeing each other?” Erin’s tone hadn’t been accusatory but curious and maybe a little sad.
“Not in the way you mean.” John leaned in and kissed his youngest daughter’s cheek. “We’re friends. We enjoy spending time together.”
Erin didn’t hesitate. “Good.” She took hold of his hand. “I’m glad for you.”
And that’s the way Ashley felt most of the time. At least that’s what she’d told him ever since the big work day at Dayne and Katy’s lake house. Ashley had called Elaine and invited her to help.
“You deserve her friendship,” Ashley had told him later. “I understand.”
John watched his daughters talking to Katy about the p
ending wedding shower. Ashley might understand, but her feelings ran deep in every area. Her emotions were bound to vary as Elaine spent more time with the Baxter family. He looked beyond the family room to the kitchen, where Elaine was making coffee. She got along with everyone—in part because she and Elizabeth had been friends for so many years. All those conversations when Elizabeth had shared about her children and their spouses, about her grandchildren, made it easy for Elaine to fit in.
He leaned back in his chair and gazed out the front window. A fiery red sunset splashed a brilliant glow on the field outside, and for a moment it resembled one of Ashley’s paintings. He sighed. Dear God, my precious Ashley is hurting. I can feel it. Help her understand this next season for each of us. And help her know that we will never lose our connection to Elizabeth. No matter who comes and goes from our lives.
There was more he wanted to say, more in his heart that he needed to share with his God and Savior. But John heard a high-pitched, singsong voice come up alongside him.
“Hi, Papa.”
He looked down into the beaming face of Hayley—Brooke and Peter’s younger daughter. There would never be a time when he wouldn’t look into Hayley’s eyes and remember how she had looked in the hospital bed, hours after nearly drowning. Back then her doctor had talked to Brooke and Peter about signing papers so that Hayley could be an organ donor once her body gave up the fight.
But God had other plans for little Hayley.
She was six now, and there were only small signs of the brain damage she suffered while underwater. A slurred word or a limited vocabulary. Her slightly slower way of going about things. But she was still making progress, getting better at feeding herself and using a crayon in her special-education classes. They had their precious Hayley back. She was a miracle. Proof that God would always determine the number of a person’s days—whether they lost a battle to cancer far earlier than anyone had hoped or made a recovery from a near drowning that no doctor or medical knowledge could explain.
Sunrise Page 8
