by Casey, L. A.
When it was put like that, my anger for Anderson seemed harsh in the situation, but I found it hard to care for his feelings.
“What should we do? We have to let him know that it’s not us keepin’ him away, it’s the doctor. He might react differently. If he thinks it’s me callin’ the shots, he’ll blow a fuckin’ fuse. He hates me ’cause I’m the big bad ex-boyfriend.”
“I don’t think he cares who is keeping him away, just the fact that he’s being kept away.” Mr Ainsley sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not siding with him. I’m nicer than you are to him because he’s my son-in-law, but I don’t care for him either. Everything about my relationship with Noah changed once they got together.”
I was surprised to hear him say that; I’d always thought I harboured those thoughts for Anderson out of hurt and jealousy because he had Noah, but knowing her father agreed that there was something off about Anderson made me feel less crazy about the whole situation.
“What will we do if she asks about him?” I questioned. “What will I do if she asks why she’s with him and not me?”
“You’ll do the only thing you can do, son. Break it down, little by little . . . and tell her the truth.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
NOAH
A touch on my wrist brought me awake with a start.
I opened my eyes, blinked a couple of times then stared up at the ceiling. It was different; there was a small vent above me that I wasn’t used to seeing. For a moment I wondered why it was different, then I remembered that I was no longer a patient in the ICU. It had been eight days since I’d awoken from my coma, and my status had been downgraded enough that I was no longer required to be in a unit that cared for the most critically ill patients.
Early that morning, I’d been transferred to a regular ward. Even though I was in another private room, I was happy to be among people that needed care but didn’t need to be under constant watch. For me and my family it was a massive step on my journey to recovery. I wasn’t better by a long shot, and I still had a handful of weeks until I could leave the hospital and live my life again, but it was a step in the right direction.
A layer of bubble wrap had been undone, so to speak.
“Noah?”
I turned my head to the side and blinked. It was night-time and the light in my room hadn’t been switched on, so I could only make out the outline of the person sitting next to me. The voice wasn’t Elliot’s, my dad’s, my mum’s or even AJ’s. My subconscious, however, told me who it was before I could even think.
“Anderson?”
The fingers on my wrist pressed lightly on my skin.
“Yeah, baby, it’s me.”
I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t surprised to see him.
“Hi,” I said as I pulled myself into an upright position. “Why are you sitting in the dark? Turn on the light.”
He hesitated for a moment, then said, “Okay.”
He leaned over and flipped the switch on the wall behind me, turning on my bed light. I squeezed my eyes shut against the brightness, then slowly opened them as my vision adjusted. My eyes lifted to Anderson instantly and I found myself staring at him with wide eyes. He looked completely different than when I had first met him.
“Anderson.” I scanned his face. “What happened?”
He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His eyes had dark circles under them, his face was covered in a scruffy beard and his skin seemed sickly grey.
“I’m fine,” he answered with a smile. “I’m just . . . not coping well with you being so sick.”
His words tugged at my heart.
“I’m okay,” I told him. “I’m getting better. They moved me out of the ICU.”
“I know. Your doctor phoned me this afternoon to give me an update.”
I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I clasped my hands together as I remained sitting upright. I stared at the man who I was married to and tried to feel . . . something. But all that struck me was confusion. I truly had no memory of this man and it bothered me. I wanted to know what he was to me, how I felt about him.
“I’m sorry.”
He blinked. “What for?”
“All of this.” I shrugged. “I know I didn’t choose it, but I hate that you’re getting the short end of this stick. I’ve tried to remember you, but my mind is completely blank. The doctor says my memory could come back at any time, either whole or in fragments.”
“It also may never come back at all.”
I shifted. “Yeah, then there’s that.”
“Maybe seeing me and spending some time with me might help you.”
“Maybe.” I nodded. “I know Doctor Abara sent you home last week because of my reaction to you. I won’t lie and say this is entirely easy for me, but my head is clearer than it was. I’m curious to know you, to know what my life was like with you.”
Anderson leaned back in the chair, letting his hand fall away from my wrist. He made himself as comfortable as he could.
“I can tell you how we met, if you’d like?” Anderson offered. “That’s light enough. The doctor told me over the phone that major memory triggers were restricted right now because of your brain’s inability to process the information without hurting you.”
“Yeah,” I answered with a sigh. “I’ve got a lot of questions that can’t be answered right now, but what you suggest sounds light enough – as long as I don’t think on it too hard.”
Anderson nodded, then with a smile he said, “I met you in the florist’s where you worked. I was picking out flowers for a friend of mine who recently got a job promotion, and I went with red roses. You asked me if they were for my girlfriend.” He chuckled. “When I told you who they were for, you almost passed out. You were adamant that red roses represented love and that I’d be giving my friend the wrong signals if I sent them to her.”
I chuckled. “Flowers have meanings: they speak louder than words.”
“You said something similar back then,” Anderson mused. “You called me a silly billy. I laughed, and when you realised you’d said it out loud, you got all embarrassed. You were shy, I knew that from the start, but you were comfortable when you spoke with me. I asked for your number as you wrapped up yellow roses for me and that was our beginning.”
I exhaled a breath, trying to figure out how to process the information I had been given. For some reason, I’d expected to feel something to indicate what Anderson meant to me once I heard of how we came to be, but I felt nothing. It was odd having a man who was my husband tell me how we met. I knew I was supposed to feel love for this man – or at the very least, physical attraction – but I felt nothing.
It felt harsh, because Anderson was clearly going through a tough time because of me. He seemed like a wonderful man, like someone who really cared about me, but my heart didn’t know him. He had been wiped from it after my accident. Elliot was the only man who remained, but I found myself wondering if that was just a cruel twist of fate. I wasn’t with Elliot for a reason, and Anderson claimed Elliot had broken my heart and that I didn’t want him . . . Maybe I was in love with Anderson, and leaving Elliot had been the best choice for me.
My mind was so messed up because trying to think logically hurt my head. My gut told me Elliot was still my person and that Anderson was not, but I didn’t know whether I could trust my instincts. Not having my memory meant I couldn’t trust anyone, not even myself.
“Did we date right away?” I asked Anderson as I leaned back against my pillow. “What happened next?”
“We texted back and forth for a while before we went on our first date. Only to the cinema to see an Avengers film, but afterwards we went for dinner and then walked around town since it was a beautiful evening. We laughed so much that night over the dumbest of things that we could barely walk. I knew you were special that night and I knew you’d be the one I’d marry.”
I had always wanted to be married, to be in a secure and loving relationship. It seemed obvious
to me that I must have found love and happiness with Anderson – I wouldn’t have married him otherwise – but to the person I was right now, that didn’t mean a whole lot. It didn’t make me automatically love Anderson, but it did make me a little more open to him. I had shut him down before completely, because of shock and because I couldn’t see past Elliot, but I had to be realistic instead of optimistic.
I loved Elliot, but I had to prepare myself for the possibility that we didn’t have a future together – no matter how much it hurt me to admit that to myself.
“One of the first things you told me that night was that my eyes reminded you of a black dahlia at first glance, because they’re so dark.”
I snorted. “Sounds like me.”
“You’re a visual person.” He smiled in agreement. “You can’t help but compare people to things you enjoy seeing.”
I had never realised that about myself, but Anderson was right. I mostly did that with people’s eyes. I always compared the eyes of a person to something visual that I liked. Elliot’s eyes reminded me of the ocean, my dad’s reminded me of emeralds, my mum’s reminded me of the sky, and Anderson’s did remind me of black dahlias, now that I had got a good look at them.
“I just learned something new about myself,” I said thoughtfully. “I like that.”
Anderson leaned forward when I yawned.
“You should rest.”
“But I’m enjoying our talk.”
I wasn’t lying, I was enjoying our talk, but man, I was exhausted too.
“It’s late,” he said, reaching out and touching my wrist. “Security is lax now that you’re on a regular ward. I only planned to pop in to see you, I didn’t think you’d wake up. I don’t want to start anything with your doctor or parents, I know they’re only doing what’s best for you. I’ll keep my distance until you’re stronger, but I can come back in a few nights to see you again.”
I nodded. “I’d like that . . . I’m truly sorry about all of this, Anderson. It’s not fair to you.”
“It’s not fair to you,” he stressed. “You’re the one who’s going through hell, but I’ll walk through hell with you if it means you get better.”
His words touched me.
“Thanks, Anderson.”
He surprised me when he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to mine.
“I love you, baby,” he said, applying slight pressure to my wrist. “Don’t forget that.”
When he pulled back, he smiled at me when I nodded. He flicked my light off, bent down to kiss my forehead, then left as quietly as he came. I closed my eyes, trying to find a place in my heart for Anderson. I knew it was going to be a difficult task because no matter what life seemed to throw at me, at the end of the day, the only man who my heart wanted was Elliot McKenna.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NOAH
The cycle of being a doted-on patient continued for two days on the regular ward before anyone, including Doctor Abara, would even consider letting me even try to move about – which meant my catheter was removed, but I had to use a bedpan to pee and a commode for number twos. It was humiliating but it was a step in my recovery I had to take. Another step was strengthening my muscles. I now had a physical therapist come into my room and exercise the limbs that were able to move, to keep my strength up; apparently they’d had someone do this during my coma to keep my body as strong as it could be. At first, exhaustion made me meekly listen to my parents, and even Elliot when he suggested I just rest, but I was done resting.
I had spent a lot of time sleeping and not enough doing anything else. I knew I needed my strength, but sleeping all the time was extremely tiring. It was a paradox.
I could stay awake for much longer periods now; my headaches were still there, but the level of pain was nowhere near the height it had reached when I first woke up. That meant the painkillers I was on were no longer at a constant high dosage, which I was thankful for because all they did was kill the pain by making me numb and drowsy enough to fall asleep. I was never a big fan of using medication for every little twinge of pain I felt, and I wasn’t about to start now.
I had awoken from my first nap of the day, and I hoped it would be my only nap until I went to sleep that night. I found myself wondering if Anderson would drop by again. I hadn’t mentioned his visit to Elliot or my parents because I wasn’t sure how they would take it. Elliot didn’t like him just as much as Anderson didn’t like Elliot, and mentioning either one in the other’s presence didn’t seem like a very good idea. So since Elliot was with me nearly every waking moment, I kept it to myself.
It was interesting how I was able to cope with Anderson’s existence now. The situation I was in was slowly becoming my new normal. Having a husband who I didn’t remember didn’t seem as shocking today as it had ten days ago when I awoke from my coma. I wondered how I would view it in ten days from now. I hoped things would only get easier from here on out and my understanding of things would become clearer, because as of right now, my brain was still warped.
I had a lot of things I needed to get to the bottom of. I needed to know why Elliot and I were no longer together; I needed to know more information about the car accident I was in. I needed to know why my parents were scared to let me make decisions for myself and why they kept referring to never letting us drift apart again.
Whenever I mentioned any of the above, my parents, Elliot and even AJ would shut me down. I was always told we’d talk later when I was stronger, when I could stay awake for longer periods, when my brain could deal with more unsettling information. I was being treated like a child, and after my conversation with Anderson I had reached my breaking point. He’d given me information the second I asked for it – he’d told me about a little bit of my past that I had forgotten without overwhelming me, and I wanted everyone else to do the same.
The time for silence had gone; it was now time for talking.
I looked to my left, found the spot empty, then looked to my right and saw him.
“Don’t you have a job, paddy?”
Elliot’s eyes darted up to mine, then he grinned as he pocketed his phone.
“I’m on . . . extended leave.”
“Why?” I frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Yup,” he answered as he leaned forward and took my hand in his, brushing his fingers over my knuckles. “I hurt my back on watch a few weeks ago. I’m on leave until I get a physical at the end of the month.”
Having no reason to doubt him, I nodded.
“Does it hurt?” I asked. “Your back?”
“Nah,” he said. “But you know my job – you have to be physically fit otherwise it can mean someone’s life.”
I was very aware of how dangerous his job was. I had always been so proud of him, but I had been terrified every time he was on shift. I was always sure I’d get a call or a senior officer would show up at my front door to give me the news that would cause my heart to stop beating.
“Hey,” Elliot murmured. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I cleared my throat. “Just remembering that your job scares me.”
Elliot didn’t have to say a word; he knew what I was talking about and he understood.
“Where’s Mum and Dad?”
“I made them go home for a few hours. They were tired but wouldn’t admit it, so I sent them packin’.”
I snorted. “’Cause you’re bossy.”
Elliot’s answer was a wink.
I shifted as I stretched. When I dropped my arms back to the bed, I smiled when Elliot retook my hand in his. Every single time I woke up, he held my hand. I think it made him feel better to know I was awake and okay. It made me feel better too, but every time he touched me, I wondered what had happened between us that would have caused me to no longer want his touch. It was a constant reminder that the person I was had not chosen Elliot to be my forever person, and each time I realised this it made my stomach churn.
“I’m bored,” I said to him. “I think I have th
e beginnings of cabin fever; this room looks the same as my room in ICU.”
Elliot snickered. “D’ye wanna play a game on me phone?”
“What am I? Five?” I rolled my eyes, then after a few seconds I grumbled, “What games d’you have?”
He laughed again as he took out his phone and gave it to me. It was the first time I’d looked at it closely and it was one that I’d never seen before.
“What the heck is this?” I said, turning it over in my hands. “Is that three cameras?”
“It’s the new iPhone,” Elliot explained as he scratched his neck. “There’s been a bunch of upgrades since you last remember havin’ one.”
I blinked. “It’s fucking huge.”
“Tell me about it. Ye get used to it though.”
“I don’t have a phone, or at least not with me.”
“I’ll get ye a new one.”
I arched an eyebrow. “I can buy my own phone – or at least I think I can. I have no idea what my finances are like.” I paused. “Where do I live if not with you?”
Elliot leaned back in his chair. “With him.”
His mood changed like a switch had been flipped.
“You don’t like Anderson, d’you?”
“No, Noah. I don’t.”
“Because of me?”
He nodded and my belly erupted with butterflies.
“Are you . . . are you jealous of him, Elliot?”
He ground his jaw. “Yeah, I am.”
I raised my eyebrow but he said nothing else on the matter; he changed the subject instead.
“Did ye have Instagram when ye were twenty-four?”
“Obviously, but I hardly used it. I had nothing interesting to take pictures of.”
“The majority of people use it now,” Elliot assured me. “How else would people survive without takin’ pictures of their meals or lettin’ everyone know they’re in the gym?”
My brow furrowed. “Huh?”
“Never mind,” he chuckled. “Wanna get in a picture with me?”
My heart jumped. “I look disgusting.”
“Horse shite.” Elliot rolled his eyes. “Ye look beautiful.”
