“Thank you, Mr. Timmons,” Father Janis said and went on to direct further questions to other students.
Matthew let out a deep breath. “Nice save,” a voice behind him whispered.
What was wrong with him? He knew he shouldn’t have given in to his attraction to Howie. He’d been right when he’d thought, after-the-fact of course, that indulging himself in any relationship would interfere with his judgment regarding his future. In order to make a decision, he couldn’t be involved with anyone. He’d never be able to be certain he made the right decision about the priesthood if he was. He made up his mind: no more flights of fancy into the world of interpersonal relationships! That decision made, he decided to ask to borrow Carl’s car to go to the gym.
“Mr. Timmons, please define the meaning of Dei Filius and give a brief summary of the first constitutional doctrine enacted by the council…Mr. Timmons? Do you need the question repeated…again?”
* * * *
All the way to the gym, Matthew kept reminding himself that his sole purpose in going there was to work out. His health was important and working out was a means to that end.
Nevertheless, he was disappointed when he stepped out into the workout area and Howie wasn’t there. He found himself working out slowly, keeping an eye on the door to the men’s lockers. After two complete circuits of the exercise stations—he usually did only one—he concluded Howie wasn’t going to show. Even so, his shower was taken at a leisurely pace and his after-shower routine was a masterpiece of slow motion movements and poses as if he were performing a Tai Chi exercise. Finally, he gave up, tied his trainers, and left.
Now he sat in the parking lot of Howie’s apartment building, convincing himself the right thing to do was to see Howie and explain his behavior the last time they’d seen each other. After all, it’d been rude of him to sprint off like that as if he’d discovered Howie had the plague or something. A face to face apology was the proper way to make amends and break things off. He got out of the car and went up to Howie’s apartment.
Matthew stepped out of the elevator and walked deliberately down the hall. He carefully rehearsed how he would tell Howie how very sorry he was to have led him on, and that he hoped they could still be friends. No! He hoped Howie would have a good life…if he never saw him again. Which he wouldn’t.
Matthew stopped at Howie’s door, took a deep breath, and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again and then a third time. Matthew shrugged, sighed, and turned to leave. Then he stopped. He had to have this over with. He needed to get Howie out of his head so he could concentrate on making his decision about seminary free from any distracting influences. He walked back and forth along the hallway for a time. Then he leaned against the wall outside Howie’s door. After a while he slid down and sat with his legs drawn up, resting his folded arms on his knees.
“Matthew?”
Matthew raised his head from his knees and looked up. He had dozed off. Howie was standing over him, a bag of groceries in each arm.
Matthew jumped to his feet. “Uh…let me help you with those,” he said self-consciously.
Howie smiled. “That’s why you’re here? To help with my groceries?”
“No…I came to…uh…can we go inside?”
“Sure.”
Howie handed Matthew one of the bags and took out his keys. When the door opened, he stepped aside to let Matthew go in first. Immediately the two cats came running from somewhere in the house and began rubbing against Matthew’s legs.
“Hi, guys,” Matthew said.
“Wow!” Howie exclaimed. “They never do that. Even when my best friends come over they head for the bedroom closet and hide. Kelly and Ernie even have accused me of making them up.”
“Maybe I got the bag with the cat food in it?” Matthew offered as an explanation.
“I didn’t buy cat food today,” Howie said. He still had a bemused expression on his face. “The kitchen’s through the living room. This way.”
The two men carried the groceries into the kitchen, the cats following.
Once in the kitchen, they set the bags on the counter. One of the cats stretched up and put its paws on Matthew’s leg, mewing softly.
“She wants to be picked up,” Howie said. His voice reflected surprise. “She never does that, except with me,”
Matthew reached down and picked up the begging feline.
“Put her on your right shoulder and put a hand under her butt,” Howie instructed.
Matthew did as he was told. The cat snuggled against him, purring loudly, then began to lick the nape of his neck.
Howie stepped forward to stand in front of Matthew. “This is Katya,” he said as he reached out and scratched her behind the ears. “And that’s her brother, Sergei.” He pointed to the other cat still circling their legs. “They’re Russian Blues. I adopted them from the shelter where I vol…”
His voice trailed off as he stared into Matthew’s eyes. “Why did you come here tonight?” he asked in a hushed voice. “Not to meet my cats, I’m sure.”
Matthew surprised both Howie and himself by saying, “We didn’t finish what we started the other night.” He put his free hand around Howie’s waist and pulled him into a kiss. They separated and stared at one another. Howie took Katya from Matthew and let her drop to the floor. Then like two men deprived of water, who’ve just found an oasis in the desert, they wrapped arms around each other and kissed again, more deeply this time.
Matthew’s senses were on overload. He’d never experienced anything like this before. He knew he probably wasn’t very good at it. He’d never dated, never made out with anyone. He’d avoided doing so, thinking that if he were headed for the priesthood he shouldn’t be giving into temptations of the flesh. His only sexual experiences involved his imagination and his trusty right hand. He knew that hadn’t been a suitable substitute for on-the-job training for the real thing.
When the kiss ended they stood with arms around each other. Matthew was acutely aware of Howie’s sexual excitement, as well as his own. Their hard cocks were pressed together through the layers of fabric that separated them.
“Wow,” Howie said.
“I’m sorry,” Matthew said. “I know I’m not very good at this. I’ve never done it before.”
“Get outta here!” Howie said in surprise. “An…an…Adonis like you and this is your very first time? I don’t believe it. You’re hustling me.”
“No, it’s true,” Matthew said, blushing both at his disclosure and Howie’s comparing him to the Greek god of the ultimate in masculine beauty and desire.
“But why?” Howie asked.
Howie’s question brought back to mind Matthew’s reasons for coming to see Howie in the first place: to apologize for his rude, hasty exit the other night and to get Howie out of his mind so he could make a clear decision regarding the priesthood. Now the situation was more complicated than ever. Matthew didn’t know where Howie stood religiously. Matthew didn’t want to embarrass him by telling him he’d just kissed a man struggling to determine if he should follow a religious vocation or not. And even more unsettling was the undeniable fact that Matthew had totally enjoyed the kiss, and now felt even more strongly toward Howie than before. Matthew had moved from physical attraction to some level of emotional attachment. He should leave now, before it got even more difficult. However, he didn’t want to. Instead he said, “I’d like to get better at it.”
“I have a friend who speaks in clichés all the time. So I can’t believe I’m saying this, but practice makes perfect,” Howie said, leaning in for another kiss. This time he traced Matthew’s lips with his tongue.
Matthew got the idea and opened his mouth to Howie. Matthew’s first tango of the tongues left him breathless.
“We should take this to someplace where we can be more comfortable,” Howie said as he rubbed his body against Matthew.
Matthew nodded. “Okay.”
Howie took him by the hand and led him through the li
ving room toward a hallway that Matthew assumed must lead to a bedroom.
“Um…how about here, on the couch?” Matthew asked.
“Oh? Well, okay, sure.” Howie said, looking a little puzzled.
They sat facing each other. There was an awkward moment of silence. Matthew felt he needed to give Howie some sort of explanation. “Uh…I’m really new to this.”
“So you told me.” Howie reached out and rubbed Matthew’s thigh reassuringly.
“And I guess I’m a bit old fashioned, but I’d like to get to know you better before we…uh…you know.”
Howie looked at Matthew in surprise and then started to laugh.
Immediately Matthew regretted he’d said something to put the brakes on what they both had been clearly enjoying.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No, don’t be,” Howie said. He leaned forward and gave Matthew an affectionate peck on the cheek. “It’s just that I made just the opposite decision very recently.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’ve been looking for someone who didn’t want to hop into bed right off—someone who wanted to take it slow and let things develop first. But it wasn’t working out for me. So, I thought maybe I was being too prudish. So, I decided to change tactics and bam, as soon as I do that, this great guy walks into my life who says, ‘I’d like to get to know you first.’ How weird is that?”
“So you understand?” Matthew asked.
“Of course! Sure I do. We’ll take it as slow as you like. You lead and I’ll follow. Let me know when you’re ready.”
With that, Howie pulled Matthew into a deep kiss. Matthew immediately responded fully. They continued to kiss, embrace, and caress for the next hour. Matthew relished the kisses, reveled in the feel of Howie’s body against his, and gloried in the sensations produced when they fondled each other’s hard cocks through their clothing. Matthew felt no pressure and was able to give himself totally to the activities of the evening without feeling he was disappointing Howie.
By the time they said goodnight at Howie’s door, Matthew’s briefs were soaked with pre-cum, and he knew he’d have to take care of his overstimulation as soon as he could. They exchanged phone numbers and promised to see one another again soon.
Matthew was tempted to satisfy his need as soon as he got into Carl’s car but convinced himself to wait until he got to his apartment. Once there, he stripped naked as soon as he walked through the door, lay down on the bed, and let the images of the night flow through his mind. He imagined that across town, another man was lying on his back on his bed doing exactly what Matthew was doing.
Those images morphed into ones of Matthew and Howie together, expressing their mutual desire for one another in every act of passion Matthew had ever fantasized. And why shouldn’t they? Clearly they had feelings for one another. Certainly this was leading to something more, something permanent.
At that moment Matthew climaxed in an orgasm more intense than he could ever remember experiencing before. Nothing mattered except him, Howie, and their friendship. And as if on cue, the inevitable post-masturbatory crash settled in. As Matthew lay there, the reality of his situation washed over him. He felt ashamed. He’d led Howie on. The man had pretty much admitted he was actively searching for someone to commit to, and Matthew in his moment of weakness had let Howie think he may have just met The One. And even more disconcerting was that Matthew, in that same weak moment, had let himself feel the same way—that he and Howie had a future. Were it not for Matthew’s lifelong conviction that the priesthood was his calling, he could well imagine he and Howie were meant to be together.
Matthew got up, went into the bathroom, and stepped into the shower to clean up. As he stood under the warm spray he mused, This is exactly why you shouldn’t have done this. Now how will you ever be sure of your decision to become a priest? You’ll always be dogged with doubts that you’ve done the right thing no matter what you choose. Now you’ll never be able to make the decision objectively. Howie will always be there.
The thought of Howie rekindled the feelings Matthew had had earlier that evening when the two men were together. His cock responded. Matthew watched as it slowly rose to full hardness. Looking down at the engorged organ, he said, “You’re proving my point, you know.” Matthew contracted and relaxed his abdominal muscles, making his stiff dick nod in agreement.
Chapter 9
“Jesus, Howie! You just made out on the couch, fully dressed, not even a blowjob?” Kelly ranted. “And neither of you came? What’s that all about?”
“I told you I wanted to take it slow, so does he,” Howie retorted.
The men were back at the Pick-n-Play. It seemed to be Kelly’s favorite hangout. Howie figured Kelly had chosen it in retaliation for Howie’s choosing Stubby’s.
“Slow? I’ll say it’s slow. Snails probably get it on faster.”
“Technically you’re right,” Ernie interrupted. “Snails are hermaphrodites. They don’t need a partner and…”
Kelly silenced Ernie with a look, then turned back to Howie. “You could have at least given each other a hand job. That’s not even sex. It’s not sex until you fuck. Everything else is foreplay. Everybody knows that. Two hot men, horny as hell and you don’t do nothing but make out? Ain’t natural!”
“I think it’s sweet,” Ernie chimed in.
“You would,” Kelly said.
“There’s nothing wrong in letting things take their natural course if love is your goal,” Ernie said.
“That’s why you fucked Todd on your very first date then, right?” Kelly was quick to come back.
“We all look for love in our own way,” Howie said.
“And it looks like neither of the ways you two are using are working for you.”
Both Howie and Ernie sighed.
“He’s got a point,” Ernie said.
“So, where does the slow boat to China go from here?” Kelly asked.
“We’ve exchanged phone numbers,” Howie said.
“That’s a start,” Ernie said encouragingly.
Kelly sneered. “I bet he hasn’t called, right?”
“Well, yeah, he hasn’t. But it’s only been a week.”
Kelly gave Howie a smug smile.
At that moment Howie’s phone rang. All three men jumped. Howie picked up the phone and stared at it. “It’s him,” he mouthed.
“Answer it!” Kelly commanded when Howie continued to stare at the phone without moving.
“Hello,” Howie said, his voice barely audible.
“Howie?”
Matthew’s deep baritone blared from the speaker which Howie had accidently pressed, flustered by the unexpected call.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s me.” Howie looked at his two friends, a broad smile spreading across his face.
Ernie gave Kelly a so there look. Kelly shrugged.
“We were just talking about you,” Howie said. “I’m out with my two buddies from college. You remember I told you about them: Kelly and Ernie?”
“Hey Matt! What’s goin’ on?” Kelly blurted out.
“Uh…Howie?” Matthew asked, sounding flustered himself.
“I’m sorry. I accidently pushed speaker when I answered,” Howie explained, mouthing “Damn you,” to Kelly. “That was Kelly, the one with the big mouth.” Howie glared at his friend.
“Oh, hi. Uh…nice to meet you…sort of,” Matthew said, sounding bewildered.
Howie switched the speaker off. “You’re off speaker now,” he said, hoping to reassure Matthew. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I just called to ask when you’d be free. I thought maybe we could work out and then do coffee again?”
“I’d like that. I’m free any evening next week that works for you.”
“And if he wasn’t, he’d cancel any other plan he had,” Kelly whispered. Howie kicked him under the table.
“Ouch!”
“How about Tuesday then?” Matthew was asking.
&
nbsp; “That’d be great,” Howie said. “I’ll be there around seven. That okay?”
“Yeah, see you then.”
“Can’t wait!” Howie said enthusiastically.
They hung up.
Howie was just about to say something sarcastic to Kelly when the metallic voice of caller ID spoke from Kelly’s phone. “Call from Jerome Parkinson.”
Kelly quickly jumped up and walked away.
Ernie and Howie looked at each other. “Jerome?” they said at the same time.
* * * *
“You’re sure?” Howie asked as Matthew slipped Howie’s tank top off over his head.
Aloud, Matthew said, “Yes, I’m sure,” while in his head he wasn’t at all sure that allowing his testosterone to make decisions was wise.
By mutual agreement the two men had decided to skip coffee and head straight for Howie’s place. The workout had been so sexually charged both seemed to know that unless they got somewhere where they could express their arousal, they’d be arrested for lewd and indecent public behavior. Now in Howie’s living room they were free to let their desires be expressed.
Matthew appreciated Howie was standing by his word—that he’d let Matthew determine what would happen between them and when. At the same time, it would be easier on Matthew’s conscience if Howie was the one initiating the interactions. Then Matthew could claim exemption for being the one responsible for what transpired, being the one who was simply giving into the weakness of the flesh.
He slipped his own shirt off and pressed his bare chest against Howie’s, relishing his first sensations of flesh against flesh. He felt as if his cock would burst through both his briefs and shorts, his reaction was so intense. As the two men kissed, Matthew let his hands roam over Howie’s torso, first up and down his back then coming around to the front where he found Howie’s erect nipples as Matthew explored the man’s muscular chest.
He rubbed one of Howie’s nips with his palm. Howie’s response of pleasure increased Matthew’s arousal. Without conscious decision, reacting as if by instinct, Matthew lowered his head to Howie’s chest and began to caress each hard nub in turn with his lips. Encouraged by Howie’s pressing Matthew’s head firmly against his chest, Matthew licked and bit.
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