“I’ll page Howie and tell him you’re here,” the girl said. She picked up the phone, then paused, smiled at Matthew, and said, “We’re all so glad Howie has finally found someone. He’s such a nice guy and deserves the best.”
Matthew returned her smile and nodded. A happy warmth spread through him, but at the same time that little voice whispered, You’re not being fair. He doesn’t know the whole story.
Shut up! Matthew addressed the voice. I told you we’d think about this at the end of the term!
Just then Howie appeared. He came up to Matthew and gave him a quick hug. Matthew glanced at the receptionist. She was beaming at them.
“Come on,” Howie said, and led Matthew off to the kennels. Before arriving there, Howie pulled Matthew into a small storeroom full of bags of dog and cat food, closed the door, and kissed him.
“Just wanted you to know how glad I am to see you,” Howie said when he broke the kiss.
“I can tell you are,” Matthew said as he pressed his body against Howie’s hard cock.
Howie responded by grinding his body against Matthew’s.
“If we keep this up we’re going to be stuck in here for a while,” Matthew said as his own equipment began to respond.
“Would that be so bad?” Howie teased.
“No, but it may get a bit awkward if someone needs to feed the residents.”
Howie laughed. “You’re right.” He kissed Matthew lightly once more and backed away. They waited a few moments for their hard-ons to subside then casually left the storeroom.
A while later they were in the park-like area of the shelter’s property, exercising a pair of black Labradors; brother and sister. Howie said their names were Amos and Andrea, Andi for short. They were surrenders to the shelter when their elderly owners could no longer care for them. They had stipulated that they be adopted together as they had never been separated. As a result, they’d been at the shelter for a long time.
“They’re such great dogs,” Howie said, “But because they’re older, big, and have to be placed together, they get passed up. They both have had chances to go to separate homes, but we can’t do that.”
“That’s a shame.” Matthew said, looking down at Amos, who was happily walking along, nose to the ground, tail wagging.
Howie sighed. “I’d adopt them, but I don’t know how Katya and Sergei would handle it. Besides,” he said, slipping an arm through Matthew’s, “if I did bring them home, you and I would have to get a bigger place.”
Both men stopped. Shocked at what Howie had just said, Matthew turned and looked at Howie, who was staring back at him with a look of panic on his face.
“I…I mean, we…uh…when you come over it’s kinda of…well…I don’t have a lot of space, and…” Howie stumbled to a halt. He took a deep breath and said. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. It’s sort of presumptive of me to think that someday maybe…well, you know.”
“It’s…it’s okay,” Matthew said, struggling to keep his own astonishment at Howie’s statement under control. “We all have dreams of what might lie ahead.”
Howie looked somewhat reassured that his blunder hadn’t done too much damage, and they began to walk again. However, Howie’s assumption that a live-in arrangement might lie in their futures had brought back Matthew’s confusion and feelings of guilt that he hadn’t been up front with Howie about his situation.
Evidently trying to get as far away from his faux pas as he could, Howie babbled on about the shelter, saying things that Matthew already knew. Barely listening, Matthew began his own regaining his balance act, arguing with himself as he often did.
You see! You’ve done it. Now Howie has dreams of white picket fences and puppy dogs.
It’s not that bad. He didn’t really mean it. It was just a slip of the tongue.
Freudian!
Oh, shut up! It was just one of his fantasies that got away and got said out loud. Besides, maybe I have a few fantasies of my own.
And that makes what you’re doing all right? You’ve got to tell him.
“Oh, all right,” Matthew said aloud.
“What?” Howie said, stopping in mid-sentence and turning to look at Matthew.
“Uh, nothing,” Matthew said, trying to cover his outburst. “You were saying the shelter board got this land from…”
Howie went back to what he was saying.
I’ll tell him—before the end of the semester! Matthew told himself, getting in the last word.
* * * *
“It’s been a great day,” Howie said as he bent to put the key to his apartment into the lock. They’d just returned to his place after having dinner and some dancing at a club Howie liked. Matthew had his arms around Howie’s waist and was pressing his body against Howie, kissing the back of his neck. He rubbed his semi-hard cock against Howie’s ass.
“And I have a feeling it’s just started and is going to get even better,” Matthew said as he stood, and they walked through the door. The enjoyable evening and the few drinks they’d had wiped away the shock of Howie’s slip of the tongue about their getting a place together. That left Matthew’s libido free to make its own decisions.
As the cats wound around the men’s ankles in greeting, Matthew took Howie into his arms, kissing him with feeling.
Howie pulled back, smiling as he looked into Matthew’s eyes. “Let me feed the cats and then…”
“And then,” Matthew said as he ran his hands down Howie’s back and began to massage his ass as he kissed Howie again.
“Hold that thought,” Howie said. He turned and, taking Matthew’s hand, led the way into the kitchen where he dished out dinner for the two impatient felines.
Howie then led Matthew back to the couch where he began to sit down.
“Let’s skip the prologue,” Matthew said, pulling Howie toward the hall that led to the bedroom.
Howie smiled broadly. “Anything you say. You’re the boss.”
Once inside, Matthew kissed Howie, again kneading Howie’s ass as he did.
“I like where this is going,” Howie said, wiggling his butt against Matthew’s hands.
The men undressed, and Howie lay down on his back on the bed. Matthew stood over him, slowly stroking himself. He knew what he wanted to do, had for some time. But he’d hesitated to go that far, to cross that bridge which seemed to symbolize a point of no return. However, tonight, under the influence of the light buzz created by the drinks he’d consumed, the prospect didn’t seem so daunting. After all, wasn’t this just another expression of the fun they’d been having all along, the logical next step?
Matthew knelt down between Howie’s legs. He bent and took Howie’s hard cock into his mouth. Howie moaned and began to flex and relax his hips, making his organ slide into and out of Matthew’s mouth.
Howie sensed Matthew’s intent and also his hesitancy due to his lack of experience. He gently took the lead and raised his legs, offering himself to Matthew. Placing a hand behind Matthew’s head, he gently pushed and said, “Get me ready.”
Matthew looked up at Howie. Howie nodded. Matthew lowered his face and began to kiss Howie’s ass cheeks. Slowly he increased his explorations, and after a time was licking Howie’s ass crack and probing the hole with his tongue. As he did, Matthew’s desire for union with this man increased to the point that nothing mattered more to him than his cock being buried deeply inside Howie’s body.
As Matthew’s urgency increased, so did Howie’s. He was pressing himself against the assault of Matthew’s tongue and guiding Matthew’s fingers into him.
Finally, Howie half-rolled onto his side and reached into the drawer of the bedside table. As Howie rolled back, Matthew heard the rip of foil. The next moment Howie sat up, and rolled a condom onto Matthew’s throbbing organ, almost causing him to climax.
Matthew was trembling from head to toe as Howie lay back down, placing his legs on Matthew’s shoulders. Howie took hold of Matthew and guided him to his opening.
“Push,” he said quietly.
Matthew did and gasped in amazement as his cock slipped past the ring and into Howie. He continued to push until he was fully inside the man—Matthew’s thick bush of auburn pubic hair pressing against Howie’s balls. Howie let out a deep sigh.
“Hold still for a minute, let me adjust,” Howie said with shining eyes as he smiled up into Matthew’s face. “I’ve waited a long time for this—being fucked by someone who meant the world to me. I want to enjoy every second.”
Matthew bent and kissed Howie as Howie wrapped his legs around him.
After a time, Howie began to thrust his hips, signaling Matthew to begin his own rhythmic undulations. As Matthew did, the physical sensations and emotional feelings welled up and engulfed him. He’d often imagined how this would feel as he masturbated, but nothing he’d ever imagined came close to what he was experiencing. The sheer emotional passion and avalanche of physical ecstasy drove all else from Matthew’s mind. There was no past, no future, there was only now and his union with his wonderful Howie. It could go on forever and ever. Nothing mattered. The two of them existed only for this moment.
With every second that passed, the intensity of sensation and emotion increased.
Just when Matthew felt he could stand it no longer, Howie whispered, “Oh my God! Matthew!” He tightened his embrace. Immediately Matthew felt the gush of warm fluid as Howie reached his peak and spewed his cum over their abdomens.
Matthew tried not to give in. He wanted to prolong this moment as long as possible. But he’d reached the point of no return and could do nothing to prevent it. With groans and roars of pleasure he filled the latex barrier with his seed.
When he was finished he collapsed on top of Howie, who kissed and kissed Matthew’s head, neck, and shoulders.
Matthew rolled off Howie to one side and pulled him close. Matthew closed his eyes. He could feel Howie’s heart still pounding, its rhythm matching that of his own. Slowly the frantic beating subsided, and as it did the reality of what they’d just done washed over Matthew. Howie’s words from the dog walk with Amos and Andi echoed in Matthew’s head: Besides, if I did bring them home, you and I would have to get a bigger place. Besides, if I did bring them home, you and I would have to get a bigger place. Besides…
Matthew closed his eyes tighter and buried his face against Howie’s neck. That’s what Howie’s been looking for all along—not just a boyfriend to hang with, not just a sex bud. Someone to commit to, to make a life with. While that could have been an option for Matthew, he’d failed to confess the fact that he had other irons in the fire. Would Howie have kept seeing him if the man had known all along that Matthew’s dilemma was not between Howie and another man or just staying single, but between Howie and God? To make matters worse was how, deep down, Matthew had known this from the start. And he chose to make excuses or downright ignore it.
Now it was to the point where Matthew had done serious damage. Fooling around sexually was one thing—blowjobs and frottage included. Even kissing, perhaps the most intimate of all acts, was done so universally that overtones of commitment had been dulled. But intercourse crossed the line. To have sex in this way, to unite one’s body with someone else’s so completely, meant more. Matthew knew this was true, especially for Howie. It meant something that Matthew wasn’t prepared at this point to give, no matter how much he might want to.
It had to end. He couldn’t go on with this. He couldn’t keep deceiving Howie—or himself. It was over.
Chapter 13
“So let me get this straight,” Kelly said, leaning forward and staring intently at Howie. “Last weekend, after a great date, you fucked for the first time, and then he disappears?”
Howie nodded. “I haven’t heard from him—he hasn’t answered my texts, emails, phone calls, nothing.”
Kelly leaned back, smacked a hand on the table, and said with satisfaction, “He’s married! Didn’t I tell you?”
Howie looked at Ernie, who gave him a strange look.
“I don’t understand. We were getting along just fine. Then I made a mistake. When we were at the shelter I said some dumb thing about us needing a bigger place if we ever wanted to adopt a couple of older, big dogs that have been there for a long time. That’s the only thing I can think of that’d scare him off. I was only joking.” Howie paused. “Well, not really—I’ve been thinking a lot lately that Matthew just might be the one and fantasizing about us living together. I guess it just slipped out.”
“That’d do it. Nothing spooks a married guy more than the “move in with me’ hint.”
“But we made love later, and it was—profound! When he left he seemed fine. He held me for the longest time as we stood by the door. His goodbye kiss was full of emotion. I just don’t get it. Maybe you’re right, Kelly. Maybe he is married.”
“He’s not,” Ernie said.
Both Howie and Kelly looked at Ernie.
“How the hell would you know?” Kelly asked, taking a swig of beer.
“Because I met him,” Ernie said.
Howie looked more intently at his friend. “What?”
“I met him—last week.”
“Where?”
“At the university. Remember I said I was going to meet Todd after his class the other night?”
Both Howie and Kelly nodded.
“Well, the class Todd was teaching was on music for liturgical services. I met him on the steps of the seminary building. He was with this gee-orgeous hunk. When he introduced himself I nearly passed out. He said his name was Matthew Timmons.”
Howie sat stunned. “He’s a priest?”
“No, I think he’s a seminarian. He’s studying to be a priest. He’s taking Todd’s class.”
“I knew it,” Kelly said, “I knew it.”
“You said you knew he was married,” Ernie reminded him.
“Married, priest, same thing. They’re supposed to be married to the church, ain’t they?”
“Did you tell him you knew me?” Howie asked.
“I would have, but I was so surprised that I just kind of mumbled something at him. He had to leave so I didn’t get a chance. I did tell Todd he was the guy you were seeing. I said something to him about a seminarian dating. Todd said that dating was pretty normal for seminarians and this seminary does little to discourage it. Todd said some of the guys told him they actually were encouraged to date because that’s supposed to help them get in touch with their sexuality. It would give them world experience to help in the counseling duties as a priest.”
“That’s nuts, “Kelly interjected. “Well, the whole celibacy thing is nuts. It ain’t natural to expect a guy to keep his pecker in his pocket his whole life.”
Howie sat there, staring at their table top.
“You okay?” Ernie asked.
“I thought he was sure to be the one.” Howie looked up. “So he was just using me for research?” he asked his friends, looking from one to the other. “He was never really serious about me—us?”
“Looks that way to me,” Kelly said. “Better that you found out now. Good riddance.”
Howie’s shoulders slumped.
“Hey, what’s supposed to happen, does. It’s…what the hell did you call it, Ernie? Uh…kismet? Kelly asked.
Ernie on the other hand was more supportive. “Who knows why he did what he did. Maybe he did have feelings for you but realized he couldn’t follow through.”
“But why couldn’t he have told me that? He just walked out the door and that was it.”
Neither Kelly nor Ernie had anything more to say.
* * * *
“Hey, Matthew! Wait up!”
Matthew stopped and turned to see Carl jogging toward him along the woodchip footpath. It was a wooded area, quiet. It gave you a chance to clear your head and think things through, even do a little praying. That was why Matthew was there.
“Hi,” Matthew said casually when Carl came up to him.
“What�
�s going on?” Carl asked in a slightly breathless voice, bending over and placing his hands on his knees.
Matthew shrugged. “Nothing much, why?”
“Well, for starters, you haven’t asked to borrow the car for a while.” Carl stood up. “You’ve been using it almost every night for a couple of weeks.”
Matthew looked down and moved some woodchips around with his toe.
“Trouble with the new boyfriend?” Carl asked.
Matthew’s head snapped up, and he said in a more defensive tone than he intended, “He wasn’t my boyfriend.”
“Well, whatever he was then?”
“He was just a friend.”
Matthew felt a wave of sadness pass through him as he uttered those words.
“And nothing’s wrong,” he lied.
Carl gave Matthew a don’t give me that look.
Matthew felt put on the spot. Carl was a friend, a good friend, but Matthew didn’t want to talk to him or anyone about Howie. The less said the better. The less Howie was thought of, the sooner Matthew could move on, put this experiment behind him, and concentrate on the goal of becoming a priest.
“Look, it was good while it lasted. We had a few laughs. But it was never any big deal. We just decided to be done and go our separate ways.”
Matthew’s sense of loss and the feeling he was betraying Howie deepened with every word he uttered. How could he say those things about the man who’d stolen his heart and in doing so had almost derailed his life-long plan of service to the church?
“Okay, have it your way, but I can tell you from experience that you don’t put it behind you by not facing it and calling it by name. I can vouch for that. He meant more to you than you’re letting on. I can see that. See ya later,” Carl said, and jogged off down the path.
Matthew watched him go. He sighed. Who did he have to talk to that would understand? Carl had never expressed an understanding of the concept of a calling to the priesthood. He couldn’t comprehend the yin and the yang that the dilemma posed by being called to serve the church and yet wanting love. For Carl it wouldn’t be a choice. Love trumps God. No contest.
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