by Rachel Burns
“Believe me you were a very good wife and a good person. I regret so much. You deserved a better husband than me. One who would have seen you for what you truly are, namely perfect.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You are the loving heart who held our family together. You always knew what was the right thing to do for us, even if it got you into trouble with me. I don’t think our kids even know half of what you did for them. It hurts me so much to know they have to finish growing up without you. They need you so much, and I can’t replace you. No one can. You were the best.” Scott wiped away his tears. His eyes were burning in pain. They hadn’t been dry since Brianna had passed away.
“I’ll love you forever.” He looked around his wife’s new home. He intended to visit her a lot. “I don’t know how to make it in this world without you. I need to talk to you and to hear your opinions before I make decisions. I feel so lost without you. All those years, I thought I was guiding you, but it was really you guiding me. You made me want to be the person I am today.
“All because I wanted to impress you. It was always all about you.”
The wind blew through his hair, flipping it back and forth. His hair wasn’t even gray, yet. He got cheated out of the chance to grow old and gray with his Brianna.
There was a hole in his heart. He honestly didn’t think it could ever heal. Brianna was the only woman he would ever love. He couldn’t feel this strongly about another person. His life was all about his family, Brianna and the kids.
He decided he would make sure they understood what a wonderful person their mother had been.
He couldn’t hold the tears back. Brianna honestly wasn’t here anymore, and he couldn’t pick up his cell and talk to her either. He would never see her again.
No, that couldn’t be. That was clearly too much to ask from someone. No one should have to give up their soul mate.
The pain was too much to bear. Who could he turn to to make it better? He usually went to his wife when he needed someone to hold him, but she was gone. He buried his face in his hands.
Scott cried, feeling so alone.
The hours went by, and he knew he had to get up off the cold ground and go home to his children. They needed him to be strong. He had to be there for them.
His breathing was heavy as he got to his feet. “I’m so sorry, darling, but I have to leave you now. The kids need me to pretend everything is going to be all right. I have to go home and lie to them now. I’ll do it exactly like I figure you would want me to. I’ll try to smile at them and convince them you are in a better place.”
He broke down again. “Oh Brianna, I hope you really are. Please, God let there really be a heaven, so Brianna can go there and finally know a life with no pain. Please, God, don’t leave my wife in the cold ground. Don’t do that to her.”
“Scott,” his mother called out to him. “Baby, we have to go now. Everyone is waiting for you.” She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him.
“I can’t leave her, mom. My feet just won’t move. She’ll be all alone once I’m gone. Brianna didn’t like to be closed in anywhere. She won’t be able to bear it if I leave.”
“Oh, baby.” his mother began to cry too. How was she going to get him away from here? Those two had been together since they met. Why did this have to happen so soon? The children weren’t grown up, and Scott hadn’t had a moment to prepare because daily life had gotten in the way.
“Baby, Alex and Christina need you. They don’t have anyone else. They need their dad to be strong for them. The children need to see that you are there for them. I know it’s hard, baby.” Karen couldn’t imagine waking up next to John and finding him dead beside her. She wasn’t ready to give up her husband either. Now her baby had to do exactly that, and he was so young. It was so unfair.
Karen had been crying the whole time, but now her shoulders started to shake too. This whole situation was just so wretched. It was her job to protect her child from pain, and here he stood a strong man with a broken heart, and she couldn’t fix it. No words would help to heal, and no medicine could erase his pain.
“Christina is crying for you. Brianna would want you to go to her.”
Scott bowed his head and covered his eyes with his fingers. He was picturing Christina crying, and Brianna saying he needed to go to her. She would have wanted him to take care of everyone else first and then worry about her.
His father also walked over to them. He locked his arm in Scott’s and starting walking him to the car. “Your daughter needs you, now.” He saw a job that needed to be done and walked his son to the car. “Alex is hiding in his room. You need to have a talk with him too. I already tried, but he needs to hear everything is going to be all right from you.”
They had reached the car. John pushed Scott into the car, making certain Scott didn’t hit his head. John walked around and got in.
Karen quickly got in before her son could jump out of the car and go back to his Brianna. God was testing their boy hard.
John sped through the town and parked in front of Scott and Brianna’s house. It was only Scott’s now. So much was about to change, and not for the better.
Scott looked at the house and at all the cars parked up and down the street. He didn’t want to face anyone, but it wasn’t a choice he had.
Brianna had left a hole in a lot of people’s hearts. They needed to shake Scott’s hand and say something nice about her before they could go back to their normal lives and go on.
Scott would never be able to go on. He would be stuck this way until he died one day. He folded his hands, once again praying there really were a heaven, and that he would be able to see Brianna there again.
Scott got out of the car so quickly it scared his parents. He swiftly walked up the steps to his house and opened the door.
All eyes were on him as he walked in. He saw Christina on her Grandfather Charles’ lap. She looked so young, much younger than her fourteen years.
He swiftly walked over to her and lifted her away from Charles. Scott hugged her tightly. He couldn’t help it. He had wanted to be strong, but no comforting words escaped his lips.
Scott couldn’t hold his tears back. His whole body was rocked with tears. His head was buried in his daughter’s shoulder.
Christina held onto her dad, thinking he had finally come home to make everything better. She held onto him tightly and let herself cry.
Scott sat down on the sofa with her in his arms and bawled. In the back of his mind, he knew everyone was watching him and probably thinking what he was doing wasn’t good for Christina, but he felt her relaxing a little in his arms.
His mother stood behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. His father also moved over towards him.
Cathy couldn’t bear the sight of them anymore. She laid her head down on Chandler’s chest and also cried. Her best friend was gone. Cathy and Brianna had been more than sister-in-laws. They had been together since grade school, never going more than a couple of days without seeing each other. They raised their children up together.
Eva moved, so she was sitting on Charles’ lap.
Charles held her closely and whispered in her ear how much longer they had gotten to be with her. “Every day with her was a blessing. She proved all the doctors wrong. Brianna stayed alive so much longer than they said she would. She fought to be with us, but she was just too tired. Our baby, needed to rest.”
“Daddy,” Christina said. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Scott wiped his eyes and looked at her. He had to smile because she looked so guilty. “Okay, baby.” He stood up and set her on the floor. Karen took hold of her hand, and went off with her.
Scott watched them leave. He had worried he would never let go of her.
People started to step forward and shake his hand. They gave him their condolences, and most left then.
An hour later, only the family was left. Most of them had cornered Scott and told him they would help
him with the kids as much as they could.
He nodded and thanked them, although he felt it would be best if he stayed home for a while and cared for them himself. They needed to feel he was there for them. It would be what Brianna would have wanted him to do. She had spoken about that often.
Scott had always scolded her not to say such things. He had broken his promise to her. He had said he would listen and take her seriously. Still, he had stopped her every time she tried to get things settled. He had robbed her of that peace of mind.
His hand moved over his mouth, and he took off for the bathroom.
The family traded worried looks. No one thought he was capable of caring for the kids at the moment.
“Should I move in for a week or so?” Cathy offered.
“No, honey you have your own children to take care of.” Her mom went to her and laid her arms around her. “I’ll stay with him.”
Scott washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. He looked so bad he had to smile.
His jaw locked into a frown. How dare he smile when his wife never would again? She deserved for him to be devastated. She had been the best wife a man could imagine. He was lucky to have gotten her. So many other men would have loved to be with her. Nevertheless, she had chosen him.
He washed his face again and brushed his teeth.
Scott needed to find Alex and talk to him. He hadn’t seen him since the funeral. He knew what was going through his head. Alex blamed himself.
Scott knocked on the door and waited for an answer.
“Go away.”
“Alex, it’s me. May I come in?”
There was a long pause before Alex answered. “Fine.”
Scott almost smiled again. ‘Fine’, was probably the last word to describe how his son felt.
He pushed the door open and saw Alex on his bed. “How are you holding up?” Scott asked as he closed the door behind him. He went over to his desk, pulled out Alex’s chair and sat down.
Alex shook his head. He wiped tears away from his eyes. He couldn’t speak at the moment.
Both men sat, not saying anything for a long time.
“I can’t believe I’ll never see her again.” Alex bit into his lip hard.
Scott couldn’t help but think that was something Brianna would do. She did it without thinking about it. It meant she was contemplating something important to her.
“I know, son. She was amazing.”
“She was somehow more than the other mothers. She was nicer, and she had a presence about her. People knew she was something special.”
Scott remembered Brianna saying that about her own mother. She had become what she wanted. She had wanted to be like her mother and have her children think she was something special.
“We were so lucky to get to spend so much time with her.”
“But it would have been more if I hadn’t scratched the car.”
Scott had to smile. “I keep thinking things like that too, if I had helped out more at home, or if I hadn’t worked so many hours. I’m her husband, and I didn’t see it coming. God seemed to have changed his mind about her. He sent her to earth, but then he realized she was an angel. He made her sick, so she could go back to heaven. But then he saw she was needed down here. He held out as long as he could, but he must need her up there too. Your mother would want to help where she could. You know how she is.”
That last word didn’t taste good on his tongue. He shouldn’t use the word is anymore. Brianna had become a was.
“But I think I still need her,” Alex whispered.
“I guess we all feel like a baby bird who has been pushed out of their nest. We all have to learn to care for ourselves now. But we have one another to lean on. We need each other to get through this. I’ll be there for you, and you’ll be there for your sister, and for me.”
“Mom would like that.”
“Yes, she would.” Scott had to smile a little again. Brianna would be very proud of him at the moment.
He would make that his goal in life. He would act in a way that would make her proud of him.
Chapter 30 – A German Lullaby
Callie set her hat down and stepped back. She could tell that the tourists were Americans. Their accents told her they were from the South. She would sing a country song to get their attention, and then see which songs she would sing from there.
A couple people in the group came over. One was a man with his two children. He had his hands on their shoulders. The man looked so prepared to care for them and protect then.
Callie found it hard not to be jealous. She hoped the kids knew how good they had it. She guessed they were around her age.
Why had God taken her father away from her? Didn’t he see how lost she was without him?
Now Michael was gone too. It was getting hard to picture him waiting for her and easier to picture him with a girlfriend from college.
College years were said to be the best in a person’s life. Michael was either having the time of his life, or missing out because of her.
The children wanted to turn away, but the father held them in place.
Callie stopped singing. Her instincts were telling her to go. She bent down and picked up her hat, thanking the crowd for her money.
“You have a very good voice,” the man said.
“Thank you, sir.”
“My wife used to like to sing. You reminded me of her. Thank you for that.” He let go of his son’s shoulder and held out a twenty-dollar bill to the young lady.
“Thank you, sir. That is very generous of you.”
“Are you all right? I have a feeling that you aren’t.”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“I’m still worried. Why would you be singing for money if you didn’t have to.”
He was still holding the money out to her, but Callie was afraid to reach for it. She was getting a feeling like she had done something wrong, and she had gotten caught.
“My parents aren’t that rich, and I’m one of five. They can’t afford to send me to college, but I want to study music. It’s my dream.”
He nodded at her and stepped closer to her, so she could take the money. “I think that’s what you should do. If my wife could have heard you, she would have wanted to join in. Thank you. I wish you all the best.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Both of his children thanked her too.
“Sir, do you want me to sing you something in particular? I could.” Callie felt that this family was in pain. It was clear the mother had died and that they still missed her.
“The only thing I would want to hear would be Schlaf, Kindlein, Schlaf,” the girl answered.
“I know that song. I’ll sing it for you.” Callie took a step back. She could feel the girl’s pain. She sang the German lullaby a couple of times.
When she was finished, the family thanked her and moved on.
Callie looked to her left and saw that man, who sometimes followed her around, was there again. He lifted up his hundred-dollar bill and moved his chin a little. It was clear what he wanted to hear, her story.
Callie felt that her story wasn’t finished yet. What was the point of telling her story when it had no ending? Every story needed a happy ending. She wasn’t even close to hers.
Callie shook her head and walked away from him. She went off in the same direction that the family had, just in case the man would try something funny. Callie hoped that the man from before would step in and help her if need be.
Scott was glad for the time off from work. His kids needed him. He may not have been able to show Brianna the world, but he was able to show them. She hadn’t left him all alone. They had two wonderful children and so many good memories.
This trip to New York was to take their minds off of losing Brianna. They traveled all this way only to see that reminders of her were everywhere. Even a kid singing on the streets of New York could help them remember what a wonderful p
erson their wife and mother was.
“Who wants to go get one of those famous hot dogs that you see in the movies?”
Alex perked his head up. “I’m a little hungry.”
Christina looked up at her father with a smile on her face. “Okay. We should take a picture in front of the sign for our album. Mom would want us to fill it up with good memories.”
“That’s right, baby. She would like that.” Scott hugged her close to his body.
Brianna would be proud of him.
Other Books By Rachel Burns
A Man To Guide Her
A Man's Due
A Sheikh's Love
A Spanking Good Cook
A Wolf's Bride
Blind Trust
Callie Part I, II, III, IV V & VI
Chocolate Rewards
Christmas Captive
Christmas Stories
Class Trip
Daddy's Little Girls
Daddy's Little Princess
Daddy's Sweetheart Part I, II, III, IV &V
End Of The World Part I, II, III & IV
Facing The Music
Have A Heart Part I, II III & IV
Her Majesty
Island Men
Pain and Regret
Southern Discomfort
Stranded On Christmas
Sugar Daddy
Sweet Daddy Part I, II, III &IV
Sweet Southern
The Man of the House
Trust In Me Parts I & II
Two Worlds Collide
Where The Clouds Touch The Earth
You Look Just Like Your Sister
Becky's Birthday (a short story)
Daddy, I Don't Feel Well (a short story)
Hold Still (a short story)
Mafia Men Mean Business (a short story)
