by BL Mute
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Playlist
Epigraph
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Follow Me!
Books by BL Mute
Copyright 2020 BL Mute
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either product of the authors imagination or used fictitiously.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or by information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher or author.
EDITING: One Love Editing
COVER DESIGNER AND FORMATTING: TRC Designs
Wait for Me- Raphael Lake, Ben Fisher
You should be sad- Halsey
I Know What You Did Last Summer- Shawn Mendes, Camila Cabello
I’m Not Angry Anymore- Warwick Smith
Shutter Island- Jessie Reyez
Needed Me- Rihanna
You broke me first- Tate McRae
Pills N Potions- Nicki Minaj
Ghost- Halsey
You should see me in a crown- Billie Eilish
“Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand, blood and revenge are hammering in my head.” – William Shakespeare
The lights of the room are dim and my vision is foggy. Something or someone is there. As I move closer, the silhouette before me flickers like the reel of an old movie. I try to process who or what is standing before me. Suddenly, I’m met with a touch. It’s a familiar feel. His hand twitches on my cheek, and my thoughts race. The touch of his strong hand kindles memories of passion, but is this real?
I move my palm over his and press it harder into my face, willing myself to believe I’m not crazy. “Teddy?” I question on a whisper. My voice is shaky and weakens with the sound of his name.
“My beautiful Monkshood. I’ve missed you.”
I almost melt at his words. A voice so raspy, so deep. A voice I’ve missed so much. I let myself soften in his loose hold for a moment before reality, the reality I’ve been living, comes crashing back.
“You’re dead,” I state, stepping away. His movements mimic mine as he follows me back down the steps. One stride after the other, his steps imitate my pattern, almost stepping on my toes, until my back is met with resistance. I turn to see Lucas standing behind me.
I can hardly face him. His appearance is somewhat solemn. His head hangs low, and his once balled fists now fall to his sides loosely.
“You lied to me,” I fume. My sense of disbelief quickly gives way to anger.
He doesn’t try to argue or explain his actions to me. He knows he’s been caught, and there is no point.
“Why?” I croak out. It’s a question to both Teddy and Lucas. Technically, they both lied to me.
“I did what had to be done,” Teddy says coolly, feeding me the same line he has a million times before. Lucas, on the other hand, doesn’t speak. He continues to appear defeated and portrays somewhat of an emotional indifference.
Although Teddy’s answer irritates me, Lucas’s silence cuts deeper, leaving an exposed wound. After everything he and I have been through, I expected more from him.
I raise my hand and ball my fist before sending it flying into his nose. His body sags slightly to the side after the impact, his head staying dipped low.
“You fucking lied to me!” A scream from deep within forces its way from my mouth.
A dark chuckle bubbles from his throat as he stands back straight. Blood drips from his nose, down to his chest, coating the thin gold chain around his neck and his crisp white button-down.
He wipes his nose with the back of his hand roughly before tilting his head back, looking at me down the bridge of his nose. “Julius knew too. And Carl. And him.” He points behind me, no doubt, to Teddy.
“I reported back to him with how you were doing, how you were running things. He knew you were a mess too!” he yells, shaking the bones inside my body with something that can only be described as fear.
I’ve never heard Lucas lash out. Sure, I’ve seen him mad, but I’ve never seen him like this. His body is twitching, his eyes are dark, and his chest is heaving a mile a minute, but it doesn’t stop me. It only fuels me to continue.
“The difference between you and them”—I jab my finger over my shoulder, pointing at Julius by the door, Carl lingering to the side of the steps, and Teddy right behind me—“is that I had more trust in you. Julius doesn’t talk. Carl seems like he couldn’t give a fuck less, and Teddy was dead for all I knew! You’re the one I trusted the most. You’re the one—” I cut myself off before I can spill the words.
“I’m what?” Lucas presses, tilting his head to the side with a grin and wicked gleam in his eyes.
“Fuck you,” I whisper, shoving his body away from mine.
When I turn back around, I’m met with Teddy’s chest. I glance up catching his eyes but quickly look away when I see the confusion swirling within. I sidestep him and stomp back up the steps, pausing in front of Julius.
He makes no attempt to stop me as I slap him across the face. I glance at Carl and see him widen his stance. I flip him the bird, then charge inside, slamming the door behind me before any of them can follow.
A lot can change in a matter of weeks. People grow, people die, and the hands of a clock never stop moving. Much the same, my life has had a staggering transition over the past four weeks.
When my dad was murdered, I thought my life couldn’t get any worse. I was left alone in the world with no mother to speak of. An adult orphan.
Until Teddy.
He started out a monster, and I never expected to want his help. I never expected to see him in a new light. And I most definitely never expected to fall in love with him.
When he died, or faked his own death rather, I realized my life could get worse. The only man I had given my heart to was gone. I fell so hard and fast for Teddy even though he and I were never destined to be together. We came from different worlds, had different beliefs. Two separate trains in danger of derailing yet going a million miles a minute down a dead-end track. Complete opposites of one another but still so perfectly right together.
My being was completely crushed the night that he died. The grief came in waves, disrupting my sleep, stealing my appetite and thoughts alike. My heart had become stale. It was mutilated into a bloody, mangled organ, and to be honest, I didn’t even recognize it. It didn’t even beat the sa
me way.
Until Lucas.
I sink against the bedroom door as I close it and let the memories of the last few weeks flip through my mind. The memories I’ve tried to suppress, to forget. I tried so hard to take away their power to prove to myself that I could move on. But they linger in the back of my mind like dusty books on a shelf. Their pages are sharp and sting like a paper cut, yet here I sit, opening their cover.
Six days after Teddy’s “death,” Lucas walked in on me on the bathroom floor. I was a mess. Tears flowed like a river down my face, and my heart ached so bad. I never knew how I would recover. Lucas picked me up, tipped my chin high, and told me, “Let it all out. Scream and cry. Beat the walls, break the vases. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, but leave it in this room. You’re in charge now and held at a higher standard. You can’t be weak—you are the queen.”
At first, his words pissed me off. How was I supposed to run things when I just lost my lover, let alone be expected not to cry. Not to feel. My favorite thing, it seemed, was to take my anger out on him. To use him as my own personal punching bag. So I reached up to hit him, but he caught my hand.
When his hand wrapped around mine, something clicked. Something changed. I don’t know if it was the mere touch from a man, the longing for Teddy, or the fact I was so angry I didn’t know what to do. But whatever it was drove me forward. I pushed my body into him and crashed my lips to his. At first, he didn’t stop. He let his tongue swirl with mine and pushed his hands through my hair. But then like someone poured a glass of cold water on him, he broke away. His whisper stung as he muttered something about not being able to do that to Teddy.
After that, I still let him hold me. I needed his touch. I needed someone to calm the shakes, someone to make the pain go away, and for some reason, Lucas was that person. We agreed to never cross that invisible line again, but we still kept our routine.
Every night he would come into my room and hold me as I sobbed, but the next morning he would leave before I woke. It was our own dirty little secret that wasn’t even really that dirty, but we both knew it was wrong. Even though we never took it to the next level, never let our lips explore one another’s again, it still wasn’t right. Maybe somewhere deep down in my subconscious, I knew Teddy was alive.
We never spoke about our nights together. I was too ashamed of myself. As for him? I often wondered what it was for him, but he too kept our secret. No one ever knew. Just him and I. Whatever budding feelings that were starting to grow between us would be pushed away and ignored. I chalked it up to nothing more than grief, and it all seemed like a perfect plan. It all went well until I realized he and Julius were hiding something. Quiet phone calls abruptly ended when I would walk into a room. Randomly sneaking away at odd times. And the final blow… knowing Teddy was alive while I wallowed and did my best to run the shit show he left me.
Anger threatens to explode out of me, but I do my best to push it down. I start pacing the room, wearing a trail into the carpet, when the door opens and Teddy walks in.
“Monkshood?”
My eyes catch his, and suddenly all of the anger is replaced with guilt. “Why?” I question, doing my best to suppress the guilt licking at my stomach, making me feel sick, as I look down.
The question is more to me. Why did you do it, Charlie? You’re so angry with him for lying, but isn’t that what you’re doing?
I shake my head, silencing my internal thoughts as I bring my eyes back to his, waiting for his answer.
He scrubs his hand down his face, then finally opens his mouth. “I did what had—”
I hold my hand up and cut him off. “Don’t. I want the truth. You owe me that much.”
I watch as his eyes narrow into slits like he’s debating on what to tell me. “I thought if I faked my death, whoever is running the cartel would show themselves and we could finally get answers.”
“Well, did they?” I ask. As angry as I am, with him and myself, I still want to find the answers to my dad’s murder. I want to end whoever took him from me.
He closes the gap between us, and his hand reaches towards my brow. His fingers grasp a strand of my hair, and he gently pushes it behind my ear. “Please just let me love you tonight. I’ve missed your touch.” He skims his hand over my collarbone. “Your scent.” He leans in and inhales next to my hair. “And your lips.” Before I realize what is happening, he presses his lips to mine lightly, almost testing the waters to see what I’ll do.
The electricity that’s been enough to power skyscrapers still bounces between us and sets every nerve ending in my body on fire. My knees turn to putty as his tongue flicks over my own, giving me the slightest taste of him.
I want to get lost in the escape he’s willing to give me, but I still have questions, and I still want answers.
I pull away from him and shoot my eyes to the floor. “I can’t, Teddy.”
When I raise my head again and meet his stare, I shiver. The coldness radiating from his eyes is chilling. “Have you just moved on, is that it?” he questions. “Or is it the fact I’m not Lucas?”
His words hit me somewhere deep where it hurts. I pause my reply and take a step back to study him. I’m not the only one that has changed. His changes are slight, but I can see them clear as day.
Dark stubble coats his chin and cheeks with small bits of gray peppered within sparingly. His eyes that used to burn so bright are now almost dull and lack the vivid blue I love so much. As my thoughts race, I can see he’s waiting on me to speak.
“What are you talking about?” The words come out horse, almost like my mouth doesn’t want to comply with my lie. It knows what I’ve done.
“I saw the exchange between you both. He looks at you—” He rakes his hand through his hair roughly, cutting himself off, before tugging it loose and punching the air.
“He looks at me like what, Teddy?” I step closer and circle the beast that inhabits the man I love.
“He looks at you the way I look at you, Charlie! Are you so blind you can’t see it?”
Another jab to the painful spot deep down in me. “I—” I cut myself off because I’m not even sure what to say.
“But you know what’s worse than that?” He steps forward, running the back of his hand along my face and down my collarbone again. “You look at him the same way.”
Something in me shatters, and that deep painful place comes floating to the surface of my chest. I react on impulse and slap my hand across his face. “How dare you!” I whisper-shout, and suddenly, the beast is no longer caged.
Teddy moves quickly, stepping forward so his body is pressed against mine, and wraps his hand around my throat. He turns me around to face him and backs me against the wall. Normally it would excite me, but this time there is nothing exciting about it. My shoulder blades dig into the wall painfully as he pushes against me. His hold tightens on my throat, letting his short fingernails bite into my soft skin.
“Make no mistake of who I am, Charlotte,” he says through clenched teeth. “I tried to be soft and understanding when I brought you here, and I’m afraid it’s given you the wrong image of me.”
His hand tightens around my neck as black spots paint my vision.
“I don’t fucking share. You are mine and only mine. If I catch you with Lucas, I will kill him while you watch, then fuck you in his blood. Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, Monkshood.”
He shoves me harder into the wall before releasing me and stepping away. He straightens his suit jacket, rolls his shoulders, then exits the room quietly.
I sink to the floor and hold back the screams that so desperately want to escape me. Finally, I have met the man everyone fears, and I have no doubt in my mind that he would kill me.
As the door clicks closed behind me, all of my frustration detonates and the only person I want to see right now is Lucas.
His bedroom door is closed with no light shining through the crack at the bottom, so I walk to the gym. I break through the thr
eshold and see him standing in the center shirtless, hitting the red punching back as it sways lightly.
“Enough,” I shout, pulling his attention to me.
His eyes catch mine, and I can see the defeat in them. He dips his head slowly, then raises it again. “Boss.” His voice is weak.
I rub my chin before unbuttoning my suit jacket and throwing it to the floor. I flip the cuffs of my sleeves, rolling them over and over until they reach my elbows. “Tell me, son, did you enjoy fucking my woman? Did her pussy feel so good that it made you forget where your loyalty lies?”
He shakes his head, then widens his stance. “I never slept with her.”
The conviction in his words make me want to believe him, but I know there is still something between him and Charlie, and I need to squash it now.
“I have given you and your brother anything you could ever want or need for the past eight years, and Emil has provided several women who fall at your feet. So, why Charlotte?”
He inhales a sharp breath, then releases it. “It isn’t what you think, boss.”
I step closer and grip the back of his head, pulling him to my shoulder, as I whisper in his ear. “It is exactly what I think.” I pull the piece from my holster and gently run the cold metal barrel alongside his temple. He flinches as my thumb teases the safety. “Consider this your warning. Next time, I won’t hesitate to pull the fucking trigger.”
I kiss his dark hair and push him away. I stare at him and smile, putting away the gun. I kiss my knuckles and begin driving them into his face. Over and over I hit him, and he doesn’t move or try to defend himself. My fists pound into his nose, then move to his ribs until he falls and crumples to the ground.
I wipe the sweat trickling from my forehead. “We will not speak of this again. If I catch you so much as looking at my fucking woman again, I will kill you.”
I jab my foot into his side as a parting gift, then pick up my now wrinkled suit jacket and leave the gym. Once I make it back down the hallway, I linger by Charlie’s door and debate on going inside. I shake my head and continue to the front door. I know if she smarts off to me again, I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself.
