Chapter Thirteen
Now or Never
Later that evening, Tammie’s grandmother knocks on the door.
“Baby girl, I’m going to go pick up your brothers and sisters. I’ll be back after a while ok?” Tammie gives a muffled reply from her pillow and listens to the sound of the front door closing.
Devon calls just a few minutes later. After hearing Devon’s plan, she packs yet another night’s worth of clothes, mind feeling numb.
“My cousin told me about this place,” Devon says. “They’ll do the procedure, and they’re very, um, discreet.”
Tammie nods, forgetting that he can’t see her reaction.
“Tammie? You there?” he calls out through the phone.
“Yeah,” Tammie speaks apologetically. “I’m here. So what time?”
“Eight,” Devon continues. “But I need you to come up with the rest of the money. It’s going to cost way more.”
“How much?” Tammie feels her stomach tighten. She doesn’t have any money.
“A thousand dollars,” he answers. “But I have seven already,” he adds quickly. “I just need you to come up with the other three.”
Three hundred dollars? Tammie bites her lip. The only money she has access to is the emergency stash her mother keeps in her bedroom. She runs quickly to her mother’s room, feeling in between the mattresses for the cash she knows is there. Tammie’s insides wrench with guilt. She’s never stolen from her mother before, but this is an emergency.
But it isn’t there. Tammie glances quickly at the door, halfway expecting her mother or grandmother to walk in at any moment. Where is it? Tammie lifts the mattress completely, but there is nothing there. Perhaps one of her mother’s thieving boyfriends found it.
Tammie goes into the living room and sits on the couch. She begins feeling the sides and in between the cushions, just in case. Defeated, she removes her now linty fingers from the couch and sighs. She remembers that Devon is still waiting on the phone in her bedroom. Just as she gets up, she spots her grandmother’s purse. She must have forgotten it when she left the house.
Tammie peeks inside and finds her wallet. She pulls it out slowly, reconciling her actions. Her grandmother is a good woman. The worst thing she’s ever done to her, in fact the only thing, is give birth to Tammie’s mother. She can’t be faulted for that. Mercedes McLeod made her own decisions.
Tammie opens the wallet, hoping to find no more than twenty dollars.
There is more. Tammie stops counting after four hundred and stares at the money in her hand. She’s about to cross the line between being a liar and being a thief.
Tammie crosses the line achingly, promising herself that she will repay her grandmother. Precisely how she’ll do that is fuzzy, but she will definitely repay her. Tammie takes the $300 she needs and replaces the wallet.
The phone rings, and Tammie again remembers that she left Devon on the line. Of course, it is Devon.
“I’ve got it,” she tells him. She can hear the smile on his face.
“Good girl, Tammie. Now don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.” Tammie hopes this time he is right.
•••
When they arrive at the clinic Tammie is immediately skeptical. The whole block seems like the type of place you avoid after dark. There are a few prostitutes leaning on car doors and men loitering on the sidewalk, or leaning against fences. There’s more garbage on the ground than in the cans on the corners. The building they are headed to looks like a large house. A shoddy, cardboard sign marked “Counseling Services” is the only indication that the place is a business. The window –there is only one –is dingy and caked with dirt.
“This is it?” Tammie questions nervously. She doesn’t like the look, or the feel, of this place. She isn’t even sure where they are. It definitely isn’t Logoria.
“I know it doesn’t look like much,” Devon concedes. “But my cousin says they’re very discreet. Come on.”
Devon gently grabs her hand and leads her inside. It’s dark, and there is no registration area; just a table with clipboards and pens and a waiting area with couches and chairs. Tammie and Devon walk up to the table and grab one of the clipboards. It is a sign-in list, more or less, with a check box beside each heading. The first box is ‘Pain Relievers,’ the second ‘Termination,’ the third ‘Sleepers.’
Tammie looks at Devon, confused. “Is this place legit?” she asks.
Devon shushes her. “Don’t ask questions, Tammie. They’ll get it done, and you’ll be fine.”
“Are these people even real doctors?” she speaks with an edge in her voice.
Devon is becoming annoyed. “Listen, this wouldn’t even be an option if you’d just done what needed to be done weeks ago. My cousin has been here before, and everything turned out fine. The people here have plenty of medical experience. I don’t know if they have medical degrees, but they don’t need one for the services they offer. Are you doing this or not?”
Tammie nods, anxious. What has she gotten herself into?
“Well, which box do I check?” she asks.
“Termination,” Devon says, rolling his eyes. “The first is for drugs like codeine and morphine, and the third is for Euthanasia.”
“Isn’t that illegal?” Tammie gasps.
“Shut up!” Devon hisses, grabbing Tammie forcefully by the arm. “You’re going to get us kicked out with talk like that. What did you think I meant when I said ‘discreet’?”
“I don’t know,” Tammie begins to tear, glancing at her arm. “I guess I thought it meant they wouldn’t need my mom to sign anything, or they don’t keep public records.”
“Well, they offer services that others don’t without going through all the paperwork, Tammie. That’s why it costs so much more. Do you have the money?”
Tammie nods, indicating its location in her purse. “What do we do after we check the box?” she asks.
“We wait,” Devon shrugs. They sit down after placing the clipboard back on the table and wait for someone to see them.
A scuffle in the back of the building startles Tammie. Several doors slam, and Tammie watches a man come through one of the doors and into the waiting room with a large black bag in his hand. There is a cut near his eye, and the man is breathing hard, cussing and muttering under his breath. Another man comes through the door behind him and grabs his shirt.
“Not this way, you idiot!” he yells. “I told you to take it out the back!”
The two engage in an altercation which ultimately ends with the black bag being dropped and split open. Tammie gasps as a tiny, twisted body spills out onto the floor. It’s only the size of her hand, but all of the features of a human child are there. Tammie looks away before she can identify what else has fallen out of the bag, but not before bile rises in her throat. She runs out of the building, vomiting on the ground. Devon finds her shortly afterwards and rubs her back softly.
“It’s okay, Tammie,” Devon soothes. “Calm down, okay?”
Tammie nods, grateful for his touch, and straightens herself. “Did you see it?” she cries. “The little baby? Did you see it?”
Devon nods. “I saw it.”
Tammie shakes her head. “It was so awful. The little bones were broken; it looked like it went through so much pain.”
“I don’t think so,” Devon shakes his head. “Tammie, the baby can’t feel anything. It’s just a fetus.”
Tammie looks at Devon with horror. “What? The baby can feel. It feels everything! Is that how you see our baby? As just a fetus?”
Devon shrugs. “Well, yeah. Tammie, look, you’re becoming emotional. Think rationally about this. If you have this baby, you’ll have to quit school, probably for the rest of the child’s life. You’d resent your baby for that. And you’re too young and too uneducated to get a meaningful job that pays real money. So you’re setting up yourself and your baby for a life that’s miserable and full of hardship. Is that what you want?”
Tammie shakes her head. “No.”
Devon nods. “Then let’s go back and wait our turn. The procedure will be over quickly. You won’t even have to see it.”
Tammie stares at Devon, defiant. “I’m not going back in there.”
Devon shakes his head, frustrated. “Tammie, you’re really starting to annoy me with this flakiness. I’ve tried to be patient, and I’ve sacrificed a lot to make sure I do everything I can for you. I have tried and tried to make this easy for you, and I’m fed up. Either you’re with me, or you’re not. Now, are you going through with this, or not?”
Tammie presses her lips together before speaking. “Devon, you don’t understand how hard this is.”
“It’s hard for me too, Tammie!” Devon speaks defensively. “The only person you’ve been thinking about this entire time is you! Don’t you ever think about me? Don’t you ever wonder what this is going to do to my life?”
“I am thinking about you!” Tammie exclaims. “I’m thinking about the both of us, Devon. I just…”
“Either you’re with me, or you’re not,” Devon states coldly.
Tammie sniffs and wipes her face in her hands. “Devon, I’m not going back in there!”
Devon scoffs, shaking his head. “Fine. Have it your way. You made this decision by yourself, so you can deal with it by yourself.” Devon walks to his car.
“Devon,” Tammie calls after him, following him. “This doesn’t mean I don’t want us to be together.”
Devon gets in his car and puts it in gear.
Tammie grabs the passenger door, but it’s locked.
“Devon?” she stares at him wide-eyed as he drives off.
Tammie panics and runs after him. “Devon!” she screams after him and stops, panting heavily, overcome with sobs. She looks around at her unfamiliar surroundings. The entire street is dark, with the exception of one faint, blinking street light. There are a few people out. None of them look very friendly. Many of them are staring in her direction. Tammie recognizes the look and begins walking away, quickly.
How could Devon leave her in the middle of nowhere? How will she get home? Tammie grabs her wallet out of her purse and stuffs it in her jacket pocket, then pulls out her mother’s cell phone. She’d grabbed it off the bookshelf earlier, knowing she’d never miss it.
The battery is at four percent. Who can she call anyway? Tammie considers her mother, then thinks better of it. Her mother will scream at her until her phone dies, and she’ll still be in the same position. She has no idea where she is and doesn’t trust anyone near her to ask. The only store nearby is closed. Tammie sits on a sidewalk bench, frantically searching her mother’s meager contact list for a savior. She winces when she scrolls past Jennifer’s name, remembering the way she had manipulated her. She stops when she sees Max’s number. Her mother has it listed as Mr. Kent’s home number. All the youth leaders give their home numbers to the parents of the youth, in case they need help. Perhaps Mr. Kent can help. She calls his number, not knowing what to say.
Max answers on the first ring.
“Tammie, is everything okay?” Max asks.
Tammie shakes her head. “No. Devon left me, and I’m here all alone, and I don’t know where I am, and I have no way home.”
“Okay, I’m on my way,” Max speaks quickly. “Are you alright?”
“Yes,” Tammie sniffs. “But I don’t know where I am. I’m not in Logoria, I’m in Clairmont, I think, or some city a few miles past Logoria.”
“Just give me a few minutes, okay?” Max assures her. She hears him grunt as he puts on his shoes. “Are you sitting down somewhere?”
“I’m on a bench,” Tammie looks around her to describe everything she sees. “The street name is Wales, and there’s a deli, and a few apartment buildings. The street is very narrow and gravelly. There are three cars on the side I’m sitting on,” Tammie isn’t sure how helpful this information will be, but she gives it to him anyway.
“Okay, three cars, Whales, gravel, got it,” Max recaps. “Tammie, what are you-”
Tammie pulls the phone from her ear when Max is cut off. It is shutting down. Tammie stares at the now dead phone for a full minute, hoping that Max will be able to find her.
•••
Max isn’t driving; at least, it doesn’t seem that way. It feels more like someone is leading him; guiding his movements as he makes his way out of the city towards who knows where. He’d been expecting Tammie’s call. He’d had another dream, and in the dream, Tammie had called him for help. He saw where she was sitting on a bench, crying.
He doesn’t know how he knows these things, but hopefully they’ll prove true. Tammie needs him, and, more importantly, needs God. Max prays emphatically that he’ll find her soon, and she’ll be okay.
•••
Tammie can’t hold back anymore. According to her watch half an hour has passed with no sign of Max. How can he possibly find her? There are three cities neighboring Logoria, and who knows how many have a street called Wales? Tammie sobs, softly at first, then uncontrollably. How could this happen to her? Once again, she’d trusted someone she thought was special, and once again, she’d been let down.
Tammie puts her head in her hands, crying inconsolably. She feels a hand rest on her shoulder. She looks up, hoping it is Max, and is horrified to see a toothless man before her. He smiles before pulling her purse off her shoulder and taking off into the night.
Tammie stares after him, dumbstruck. She can’t even scream for help. Who would listen, anyway? She hears tires screech in front of her and watches, relieved, as Max jumps out of his car. He immediately starts after the purse snatcher.
“Hey, get back here!” he yells.
Tammie finds her voice again. “No, Max it’s okay, really.”
Max looks back at her, concern etched on his face. “Tammie, thank God! Are you alright?”
Tammie nods. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about my purse. I put my wallet in my jacket. He didn’t get away with anything of value, unless he fancies Coach.”
Max sighs in relief. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Tammie gets in the car, glad he has the heat on, and sobs.
Max watches her, uncertain, as he starts the car and heads back in the direction he came from.
“How did you find me?” Tammie asks between sniffles.
Max shakes his head. “I have no idea. I just knew where you were, somehow. Are you sure you’re okay?” Tammie nods, though her tears haven’t stopped yet.
“How could Devon leave you out here?” Max asks angrily. “Who would do something like that?”
Tammie is grateful Max doesn’t ask why she’s here, but she feels the need to tell him anyway.
“Max, we came here to get an abortion,” she speaks quietly.
Max continues to drive, waiting for her to continue.
“I couldn’t go through with it,” she finally says. “I was ready to, but then, I saw… I just couldn’t.”
Max nods in understanding. “What are you going to do now?” he asks.
Tammie shakes her head. “I don’t know. I thought I had everything figured out, but now I don’t know. Devon doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t blame him. I don’t want to be with myself.”
“Why?” Max asks. “Tammie, you’re a very brave person. What you did tonight was very courageous. I’m proud of you for standing up for what you thought was right.”
“I don’t feel like that’s what I did,” Tammie shakes her head. “I’m not sure if it is the right thing to do. How can I take care of a baby? Especially now?”
Max looks at the road in thought. “How does a widow take care of a baby? Or a single mom? How did your mom take care of all of you?”
“I don’t know,” Tammie answers honestly.
“I’m sure if you think about everything you have to do in any situation, you’ll feel overwhelmed,” Max offers. “Just take things one day, one step, at a time, and maybe it won’
t seem so bad. You have more support than you think, Tammie.”
“What support?” Tammie scoffs. “The only people who know about it haven’t supported me.”
“Tammie,” Max sighs. “You have a mother who loves you enough to embarrass you and your friends if she thinks they’re a bad influence. You have a loving grandmother, brothers and sisters, and a church family who prays for you. You have Jennifer who, admittedly wasn’t all that supportive in the beginning, but is now more than willing to make up for that.”
“How did you know that?” Tammie asks.
Max smiles. “Martin and Jen are like peas and carrots, Tammie. I couldn’t help but overhear about your ‘sleepover.’”
Tammie lowers her head in shame. “Yeah. I don’t think she’ll want to be my friend after that.”
Max waves her comment away. “Even if that were true, you still have me, which may not be much but has to count for something. And,” Max smiles at her. “You have a God who loves you and wants you and will never, ever leave you. Support like that can’t be bought, Tammie.”
“How can God love me after all I’ve done?” Tammie cries. “I’ve been living in sin, Max. Devon and I have been sleeping together. And let’s not forget that I’m pregnant, and there won’t be a wedding anytime soon.”
“What would forgiveness be worth if God only forgave certain sins at certain times?” Max asks. “Tammie, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. God can and will forgive you. You’re his child. And you’re too precious for Him to just give up over some sin he’s forgiven billions of times already for billions of people. You just have to forgive yourself.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Tammie sniffs. “What about you, Max? You’re telling me all these things about God’s forgiveness when you don’t believe he can forgive you. Why should I believe he can forgive me if he can’t forgive you?”
Max opens his mouth to speak, but he doesn’t know what to say. She’s right. “Then I guess we both have a decision to make,” he says finally.
Tammie nods quietly.
“So, are you going to tell your mom?” Max asks.
Tammie sucks in her breath. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do, Max. I’m scared.”
“Me too,” Max admits.
Tammie looks at him. “Why are you scared?” she asks.
“Because you’re right,” Max replies. “If God can forgive any sin, then I’m no more an exception than you are. God’s ready to forgive my sins just as soon as I ask him.”
“That scares you?” Tammie asks.
Max nods. “It terrifies me,” he confesses. “I’ve been making excuses for so long, hiding from God, as if that’s even possible…” Max pulls into Tammie’s driveway and parks the car.
He gets out and opens Tammie’s door, where they embrace briefly.
“Tammie, let me pick you up for church tomorrow,” he offers.
She hesitates. “I don’t know, Max.”
“I’ll pick you up, we’ll get some breakfast, and we’ll go to service. Please say yes?”
After giving it some thought, Tammie finally agrees. They say goodbye and Tammie makes her way inside.
Her mother is waiting for her.
“Tammie?” she calls.
Tammie is startled. It is only ten o’clock. Her mother shouldn’t be home.
“Mom? Shouldn’t you be at work?” she asks.
Her mother is in the dining room, sipping a cup of coffee. “I came home early,” she confesses. “I wanted to talk to you so we could sort some things out. Who brought you home, Tammie? I didn’t recognize the car.”
“That was Max,” Tammie remembers her mother’s earlier accusations. “Devon left me stranded, and Max came to pick me up.”
“Devon?” her mother’s tone expresses her disbelief. “I can’t imagine Devon doing something like that.”
“Neither could I until tonight,” Tammie sniffs.
“Honey, please talk to me,” her mother coaxes her forward. “You can talk to me, you know.” Tammie sits in one of the kitchen chairs while her mother speaks.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’m sorry for the way they’ve affected you,” she continues. “So let’s start over, okay? I’m Miss Mercedes McLeod, mother of four, wife of none, and attracted to the worst kind of men. I just realized that my life affects my children whether I want it to or not, and I have a teenage daughter I really want to reconnect with. Now you go.”
Tammie wipes a tear from her face before speaking.
“I’m Tammie Michelle McLeod, and I’m pregnant.”
Her mother gasps, and Tammie looks at her with eyes full of remorse.
“I’m so sorry, mom,” she says.
Her mother holds her in an embrace, stroking her hair and rocking her while she cries. “It’s okay, honey,” she sniffs. “Tell me everything.”
Love Me Page 13
